An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pull a chair up with the hyrup

The Olympics is slowly killing both Jon and me by pushing us three and four hours past our normal bedtime. We’ve been trying to keep up with all the excitement, and two nights ago I finally had to call it quits at one in the morning and hit the sheets. I remember thinking as I checked the clock, oh God, please Leta, sleep in until at least 7:30, do it for Michael Phelps. She answered that prayer by screaming out at 5:00 AM and then refusing to go back to sleep. I brought her back into bed with us and for two hours she asked, CAN I HAVE A PANCAKE NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? I WANT A PANCAKE. MY OWN PANCAKE. PANCAKE. PANCAKE. PANCAKE. I won’t lie, I did have the sudden urge to punch Jon in the gut at about 6:30 and go THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. In fact, two days later, I’m still fighting that urge.

I couldn’t sleep through the PANCAKE monologue, so I finally took her upstairs at about 7:00 to eat breakfast. Jon was wiped out, had been working on about six different projects, so I let him sleep despite the fact that THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT. And then when we got upstairs I realized, oops, I don’t know how to make pancakes. Sure, I could read the directions on the box, but on four hours of sleep I couldn’t see straight. And was in no state to operate a piece of machinery whose main component is fire.

So I suggested that we eat some cereal together. And she protested a tiny bit until I explained very clearly that her daddy is the pancake parent and me? I’m the cop out cereal parent. Pancakes taste better when made by daddy, and cereal poured into a bowl by anyone other than me will just not taste as glorious. Also, I’m tired, be quiet, be glad you have food to eat, if you want I can give you the speech my dad used to give me about starving children in Africa, I haven’t yet uttered that sentence to you, and it would give me great pleasure this morning to cross off that rite of passage.

So we had cereal. And some casual conversation (note, she is watching herself in the viewfinder the entire time):

Also, thanks to several kind readers who sent me the link, I think I now know how to make pancakes because of the following amazing video. Be prepared for the most sensational three minutes and forty-six seconds of your life, I promise you it is worth the investment of your time. Someone get this kid a recording contract STAT:

  • I thought you were a woman who used your powers for good not evil… now the whole freaking internet (me included) is pulsing their head singing, Make a pancake make make a pancake.

    Evil. Evil. Evil. God forgives you for the whole premarital sex while drinking coffee thing, but this is going too far!

    make a pancake, make make a pancake…



  • DLJ

    I love hearing her sweet voice. Too funny. “I love Chuck, he’s my favorite.” was adorable… and you better watch it tomorrow… and report back! 😉

  • God help you when Leta turns 13. You’ll probably need a blessing from the priesthood just to survive teenagedom.

  • this is why we buy frozen pancakes. i used to describe myself as the goddess of pancakes, because i make some pretty damn good pancakes. but, the downside to making great pancakes is, you constantly get asked to make them until you’re ready to slit your wrists if you have to stir one more batch of batter.

    frozen pancakes. they will change your life.

  • Stacy

    Does she really say “he’s so pleasing to me?” or am I hearing that wrong? Too cute!

  • Oh my lands. The Olympics! I love them. I too have been staying up way too late to watch them and strangely, my normally happy to sleep in baby has decided that this is the week to wake up every morning at 7:00. Bah…babies.

  • Hey WAIT A MINUTE – That’s the same tactic my Husband uses to get me to cook EVERY night…. (“You’re better at it than me”) – same thing with laundry and computer stuff. He’s going to teach my kids that shit!!! ARGH!!!!!

    Oh wait – I use it on him about breakfast.

    Whew… maybe we’re even…

  • Abbie

    The Olympics are killing my husband and me, too! Gymnastics + Michael Phelps… Sigh. I guess a few weeks of not sleeping won’t kill us!

  • Ames

    My favorite was the credits….”Next time wake me up at six you big ol’ stank Koofie!”

  • thank you for helping to implant the song that will be in my head the rest of the month. =) (the song in the credits will be next month’s ditty. i thank you in advance for that.)

  • Eileen

    I was RESISTANT to the Batter Blaster concept – and then I found out it was Organic! I know – organic pancake mix in a can, it just sounds wrong . . . but they are GREAT.

  • You go “upstairs” for breakfast? That sounds so odd. Perhaps you sleep in the garage.

  • I see I’ve been beaten to the link, but she failed to mention… It’s organic! oooohhhh!

  • Anonymous

    The Olympics suck. Fake singers, fake jocks, fake freedom.

  • “Tomorrow.”

    Leta’s a psychic! And super cute.

  • God, she is adorable. Granted, it’s not five in the morning and I don’t have to make her pancakes . . .

  • I’m so glad you posted the video of Leta. My baby girl turns 24 today and I needed a little girl fix. And a drink. One down, one to go.

  • I’m SO having pancakes and hyrup for dinner tonight.

  • You need Bisquick Shake n’ Pour. It’s made for people like you. me. us.

  • As entertaining as that video was to watch here’s the real deal if you ever want to learn how to make the best pancakes ever.

  • So here’s what I think you should do next time Jon can’t wake up to make Leta a pancake:


    That’s what I’m going to do next time my boyfriend won’t get up and make me waffles. It’s not quite the same, but I think he’ll get the idea.

    (PS Love the Leta video!)

  • I’ve stopped saying I’m “watching the Olympics” and started being more honest with myself and my husband, so now I’m just “watching Michael Phelps.” Pretty soon I’ll have to start saying I’m just “watching Michael Phelps’s abs.”

  • caroline

    can’t help it – I have to recommend the episode of Family Guy about young Stewie becoming addicted to the almighty pancake. Season 2: “Love Thy Trophy.”

    A sampling:
    Waitress: Here you go, hun. From Flappy himself.
    Stewie: I don’t care if they’re from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan!
    Waitress: Try ’em. You’ll like ’em.
    Stewie: Yes, well, I rather doubt that. [takes a bite of the pancakes]
    Stewie: Oh, oh yes! These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I’ve decided not to kill you!

    hilarity ensues…

  • Wow, what a very picky kiddo!

    I can’t say much though, because I have a little sister around the same age and she refuses to eat anything unless it has pepperonis on it.

  • Okay, but am I the only one who cringed every time that dude cracked the egg on the cupboard??? I mean… I suppose it’s possible he disinfects his cupboard doors every day and wipes them down with Clorox wipes incessantly, but my guess is… not so much.

  • One time I made pancakes on our George Foreman Grill.

  • Nancy

    OMG . . . Leta has become a PERSON!

  • Sarah

    Okay – my hubby, too is the pancake king.. but we have discovered the greatest thing ever to address this very issue.. have the hubby make extra pancakes on the weekend (or whenever).. then you freeze on a cookie sheet.. put in ziplock bag after frozen.. and presto after :30 sec in the microwave child has pancake in hand.. almost easier than cereal. Only issue is when 3.5 yr old child demands “may I have pancakes.. ON THE GRIDDLE.” Then I’m doomed.

  • Marci

    For mornings like this you need Batter Blaster. Its Pancake batter in a squirt can (like whip cream). I have seen it on sale at Dan’s and Harmons.

  • Kimi

    My 3-yr-old just watched that pancake vid with me and found some inner funk I never knew she had. I may have to add more R&B to my music collection.

  • Best.Video.Ever.

    Thanks, and pass the hyrup.


  • Susan Schacht

    And i’m sure someone has mentioned it, but there are boxes of pancake mix that require only water. I mean, seriously? OIL? EGGS? Who really does that? My boys are 9 and 6 and have spent years eating nothing but pancakes. At one point I had to grate up vegetables into the pancake batter to get them to eat anything else. Gross, I know. But somehow, it worked.

    Thus was born my parenting motto: Whatever works.

  • Sarah B.

    If my boyfriend thinks I won’t be singing this song to him every morning, he is sorely mistaken.

  • you are very funny. this blog is awesome. found you through New York Times.
    keep up the great work!

  • Did Leta like the Pancake video?

  • Joy H

    Gee, thanks for putting that in my head. And Chuck is my daughter’s favorite too.

  • I was going to ooo oo … make a pancake, make make a pancake … So I was going to leave a aaah ahh … make a pancake, make make a pancake … wanted to leave a comment, but now I can’t!!! make a pancake, make make a pancake. make a pancake, make make a pancake … thanks a lot, Dooce. We’ll be singin’ this until Christmaaa … ke a pancake, make make a pancake … Christmas!!

  • Leta’s so cute, I’ll forgive you for making “Make a Pancake” repeat incessantly inside my mind. Good pancake video, though…that’s one creative kid.

    Hey, maybe that’s what’s for dinner? DH is the pancake man here, too. But none of that Batter Blaster stuff…we tried it and weren’t impressed. But that’s probably because we’ve been spoiled by DH whipping us up some Aunt Jemima batter.

    I am definitely the cereal parent, too. And now my kids are old enough to pour their own, making mornings ever so easy for this chronically sleep-deprived Mom.

  • Swedish pancakes. They’re my favorite. I have a video you might get a kick out of, of the horse next door – check it out here:

  • Ashlea

    I absolutely second the Batter Blaster comments. And the website/jingle/video is so cute, why wouldn’t you wanna try it? Plus it’s ORGANIC, so bonus. Are they more yummy when I make them from scratch?…of course. But this is totally the answer for those mornings like the one you just described, I feel like a super hero when I can make a hot breakfast that June Cleaver would be proud of without actually being fully awake.

  • Yup – the Olympics = sleep deprivation!

    And now that we know what Chuck is going to do tomorrow, maybe she could tell us what MICHAEL is going to do tomorrow?

    And we could all get a little more sleep.

  • grandma

    You want to be Leta’s best friend? Or not – ask Jon to make Mickey Mouse pancakes. One circle, two little half circles off set at the top and then you let Leta put on the a nose, eyes and mouth decor with fresh or dried fruit. And lots of hyrup.

  • bohica

    You NEED to send that to Life Cereal RIGHT NOW and watch the endorsements flood in. Seriously.

  • Allison

    My God, it feels like just yesterday that you were talking about how froggy Leta looked, and now she’s having a fully fledged conversation!

  • Dammit, now I want pancakes.

    Seriously, though, while from scratch pancakes are of course the best, yadda yadda yadda, Bisquick is totally the way to go. And to make delicious thin crepe-like pancakes, do 1:1:1 of milk:eggs:Bisquick. I used to eat 60 million of those. Possibly it’s why I gained weight, but hey, Leta doesn’t eat much, so a few extra calories won’t hurt her.

  • Clearly the pancakes have made it possible for her to see into the future.

  • I love the Olympics!!!
    I don’t want them to be over when it’s over. Just extra Java in the morning, and 5 hours of sleep is enough, right?

    Stop by and say hi!

  • virgotex

    oy… such an earworm I got now.

    Make a pancake. Make make a pancake.

  • Lisa D

    The best part of the video? George W. with his own short stack.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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