Heater, Mother of Lance

Pay attention, this one’s complicated

Several months ago when we had Coco fixed the vet sent us home with a packet of information that included a giant red piece of paper covered in a warning about how important it was to make sure that the dog did not lick her own wound. They even gave us a tiny plastic cone to put around her neck just in case she fixated on it, and on the drive home Jon wondered out loud, “They didn’t say anything about whether or not it was okay for anyone else to lick her wound.”

“By anyone else, do you mean Chuck?” I asked hopefully.

“By anyone I mean anyone. What are they implying by the absence of that stipulation?”

“They are implying that they trust you have two brain cells to rub together.”

It was around this time that I brought up the subject of edamame on this website, and many readers suggested that we put together an instructional video on how we cook and eat them. And we shot some footage that night, we certainly did, but other things have occupied our attention since then — SILHOUETTE OF MICHAEL PHELPS’ ABDOMEN, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE — and Jon was all, this is entirely unfair, it’s not like Kate Walsh got dressed up in a tiny bikini and gyrated her perfectly toned body through a pool every night for a week, ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, and he drew up a letter to the Universe and called it several names that I don’t think Harvey Keitel would agree to say out loud in a movie.

So while I was watching every single minute of the swimming portion of the Olympics Jon edited all the footage together and we finally have ourselves a video. He wants you to note a few things before viewing, however:

1. His hair is post nap.

2. His hair and Coco’s hair: matching.

3. My pronunciation of “Jon” is something he hears about 30 times an hour, thus he has developed selective hearing. I call it willfully ignoring me.

4. Leta had a very minor meltdown involving the snap-out portion of her princess magnets; not the magnets themselves, the snap-out holder thingy which he mended with tape. During editing he cut out the footage of us both standing over the pot of boiling water wondering aloud whether or not the sound of our daughter wailing in the other room is what people would refer to as neglect.

5. Behold: mind-blowing special effects. If you blink you’ll miss the part where I run screaming from the house because his hair looks like this.

383 Comments
  • Amanda

    2008/08/19 at 5:12 pm

    Loved it! You’re hilarious!!!

  • Julie

    2008/08/19 at 5:15 pm

    Holy crappers I am the first to comment. Dreams come true.
    I LOVE DOOCE!

  • Julie

    2008/08/19 at 5:22 pm

    Aw Amanda you chap my ass.
    😛

  • Julie

    2008/08/19 at 5:16 pm

    Shit.
    Stupid amanda.

  • Nancy

    2008/08/19 at 5:16 pm

    Why’d you keep cuttin’ off Jon’s head??

  • jen

    2008/08/19 at 5:17 pm

    LOL Or it could be a rolling boil.

  • Sarah

    2008/08/19 at 5:18 pm

    The video is gone? Sadness.

  • Abigail M Schilling

    2008/08/19 at 5:18 pm

    You are so right about how to boil water. More videos!

  • Amanada

    2008/08/19 at 5:18 pm

    hahahaha. I loved that I was the first.

    Take that Julie!!

  • Amy

    2008/08/19 at 5:19 pm

    I want to marry Jon. Or Heather. Or I’ll just take the dogs. Any of the above will do.

  • middle-aged-woman

    2008/08/19 at 5:19 pm

    Cannes is SO unprepared for this piece of…artistry.

  • Nic

    2008/08/19 at 5:23 pm

    You need to make more videos like this! Love the “new” (not so new now) house (the parts that were seen). Very pretty decor 😉

  • Gabbitron

    2008/08/19 at 5:25 pm

    A Royal Rolling Bubbly Boiling good time. I give it four edamame pods.

    Leta’s whimpering was timed so that it almost sounded like the edamame was upset about being drained into the non-rusted stainless colander.

    A Question for Jon. Did you get/taste any dog hairs with the edamame?

  • Angela Poole

    2008/08/19 at 5:25 pm

    Rolling boil, people. Seriously though, you made my day today. Nice substitution with the kosher salt. We’re eating oceans of sea salt!

  • Nancy

    2008/08/19 at 5:26 pm

    Ok, you cut off his head to avoid the nap hair (I should have watched the whole thing before I commented).

    One more thing . . . how long do you boil the edamame?? I’d scrap any plans you have for a recipe section for your blog.

  • Orang1na

    2008/08/19 at 5:27 pm

    OMFG. Made my day.

  • mamainterrupted

    2008/08/19 at 5:27 pm

    Loving it! New to the site and if this is what I can look forward to . . . I’m in!

  • Chrissy

    2008/08/19 at 5:28 pm

    Love you guys! You are totally nuts!

    How about some video of your cute dogs, please? I’d like to see Coco keeping those sheep in line.

  • dooce

    2008/08/19 at 5:28 pm

    Nancy, bring it back to a royal roiling boil and you’re done. About four-five minutes.

  • alex

    2008/08/19 at 5:29 pm

    i enjoyed this greatly. i could go on, but all of it was wildly amusing.

  • Lisa

    2008/08/19 at 5:29 pm

    Oh god I was laughing. Roaring boil?? You meant rolling boil.

    You guys did know that you can throw that bag in the microwave and steam it right?

  • Leslie

    2008/08/19 at 5:29 pm

    The video was great, but wow do I love your kitchen. Fab decor.

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/19 at 5:29 pm

    Loved it — but if the environment is your thing you can put a top on the pot and make water boil faster. Maybe not so interesting in a video — until it boils over, of course.

  • Nat

    2008/08/19 at 5:31 pm

    Loved the credits…very clever! 😉

  • Liz C

    2008/08/19 at 5:32 pm

    I am stunned that Coco would let Jon hold her in that position for what seems like forever. She must adore him. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dog that would tolerate that. Awesome!

    I simply nuke my edamame in a covered bowl with a splash of water and a little salt for 5-6 mins. Done, and done. They also taste better than they wouldn’t.

    My short attention span would never hold for the whole waiting-for-water-to-boil-twice thing.

    BTW, ‘full’ or ‘rolling’ boil. Your choice.

  • HouseofJules

    2008/08/19 at 5:32 pm

    Michael Phelps & Edamame make up the PERFECT MEAL. The edamame are optional, of course.

  • watercolor

    2008/08/19 at 5:32 pm

    HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA! Excellent! I can’t stand biting the hulls. I break them open first then eat the beans out. I’m weird.

  • Jennifer

    2008/08/19 at 5:33 pm

    Awesomeness…that’s what this is….awesomeness.

  • Jen

    2008/08/19 at 5:34 pm

    I almost shat when you and the camera panned around to find Jon “licking” the wound. That is comedy genius my friend!
    Awesome video!

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/19 at 5:35 pm

    I know this must be maddening, besserwissers from the internet telling you how to boil a pot of water, but maybe add a lid?

    Using hot water from the tap to cook with is not really such a great idea either.

  • Nancy

    2008/08/19 at 5:36 pm

    If you don’t want to wait for the rolling boil you can just put the frozen edamame in a bowl and cook in microwave for about 1.5 minutes. After it’s hot, then sprinkle with salt – less waiting time and less pots to clean.

  • Carrie

    2008/08/19 at 5:36 pm

    Before today, I lived a life where I never had to think about licking the wounds of others.

    I miss that life.

  • Amy

    2008/08/19 at 5:36 pm

    Nobody is going to comment about Jon licking Coco’s wound?! What is wrong with you people?! Hee… I hope he was just giving her a rasberry on her belly or something. 🙂

    So you guys only use salt as a seasoning? I’ve had some before where they used a sort of garlic/butter seasoning. Oh, on the edamame, I mean, not on the dog.

  • Christina

    2008/08/19 at 5:37 pm

    Pure magic. I wish my dogs would sit still long enough for wound licking. I suppose if you lick the wound and then eat the edamame, you could with hold the salt…maybe.

    On a side note, we cook ours in chicken broth no salt, tasty!

  • Shalini

    2008/08/19 at 5:37 pm

    Loved the video.. and as stated by a previous commenter: ROLLING BOIL!

    roiling boil sounds like it needs to be lanced.

    love the licking the wound bit!

  • Katya

    2008/08/19 at 5:39 pm

    I love you guys! You make life worth living! (And wounds worth licking??)

    -side bar-
    My two words are “war kindly.” Did our president come up with this combo??

  • Stellare

    2008/08/19 at 5:40 pm

    Best short film EVER!

    Save the energy! Should be a hit with the climate change people.

  • This is such a fantastic video!
    And yum, edamame.

    And Kosher salt is so fantastic. And so are the cheap Jews (like me). Yeah!

  • Jennifer

    2008/08/19 at 5:41 pm

    That was quite possibly the best video tutorial ever. Great job.

  • Staci Magnolia

    2008/08/19 at 5:41 pm

    To heck with the edamame, I couldn’t stop drooling over your heaven of a kitchen. Want. Want. Want.

  • Fe

    2008/08/19 at 5:42 pm

    Too cool. The world is now a better place. Thank you.

  • J

    2008/08/19 at 5:45 pm

    God, I just shove them in the microwave in a bowl with a little water at the bottom. Then I salt them. Or you could buy the SpongeBob Squarepants ones in the single serve packs.

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/19 at 5:45 pm

    So THAT is what edamame is. Awesome kitchen! Can I have it? Please? Pretty Puh-lease!?

    You made me hungry!

  • Corn

    2008/08/19 at 5:45 pm

    Loved the licking the wound. Also please let Jon know that you have Phelps, but he COULD have Misty Mays and Kerri Walsh. Misty has that fab booty and Kerri those leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegs. I am temporarily a lesbian during beach (booty booty booty) volleyball, then I change back for the swimming portion. Go USA!!!!

  • Sensibly Sassy

    2008/08/19 at 5:51 pm

    Pure awesomeness! I can’t wait until the next how to video, maybe on pancake making?

  • Madison Charbonneau

    2008/08/19 at 5:53 pm

    Hilarious AND educational. Leta’s cameo is not to be missed, people! Run, don’t walk to see this film.

  • Erin

    2008/08/19 at 5:53 pm

    Loved the video! Very informative. I love edamame! GO USA AND PHELPS!

  • Fit Bottomed Girls

    2008/08/19 at 5:54 pm

    That was pretty hilarious. Edamame are delicious, but who knew they were so entertaining to make at home?

  • doug

    2008/08/19 at 5:57 pm

    2 thumbs up for Jon’s overboiling scene – sarcasm wins awards

  • manda

    2008/08/19 at 5:58 pm

    Jon is yummy.

    And, my 4 year old movie-critic-wannabe wanted to “watch the ada mommy movie again!”

    We just get our edamame in the giant box at Costco. They come in individual serving sized microwavable bowls, and they turn out great.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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