An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pay attention, this one’s complicated

Several months ago when we had Coco fixed the vet sent us home with a packet of information that included a giant red piece of paper covered in a warning about how important it was to make sure that the dog did not lick her own wound. They even gave us a tiny plastic cone to put around her neck just in case she fixated on it, and on the drive home Jon wondered out loud, “They didn’t say anything about whether or not it was okay for anyone else to lick her wound.”

“By anyone else, do you mean Chuck?” I asked hopefully.

“By anyone I mean anyone. What are they implying by the absence of that stipulation?”

“They are implying that they trust you have two brain cells to rub together.”

It was around this time that I brought up the subject of edamame on this website, and many readers suggested that we put together an instructional video on how we cook and eat them. And we shot some footage that night, we certainly did, but other things have occupied our attention since then — SILHOUETTE OF MICHAEL PHELPS’ ABDOMEN, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE — and Jon was all, this is entirely unfair, it’s not like Kate Walsh got dressed up in a tiny bikini and gyrated her perfectly toned body through a pool every night for a week, ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, and he drew up a letter to the Universe and called it several names that I don’t think Harvey Keitel would agree to say out loud in a movie.

So while I was watching every single minute of the swimming portion of the Olympics Jon edited all the footage together and we finally have ourselves a video. He wants you to note a few things before viewing, however:

1. His hair is post nap.

2. His hair and Coco’s hair: matching.

3. My pronunciation of “Jon” is something he hears about 30 times an hour, thus he has developed selective hearing. I call it willfully ignoring me.

4. Leta had a very minor meltdown involving the snap-out portion of her princess magnets; not the magnets themselves, the snap-out holder thingy which he mended with tape. During editing he cut out the footage of us both standing over the pot of boiling water wondering aloud whether or not the sound of our daughter wailing in the other room is what people would refer to as neglect.

5. Behold: mind-blowing special effects. If you blink you’ll miss the part where I run screaming from the house because his hair looks like this.

  • Fucking Awesome. I love Jon’s wound love and that he had to think about the edamame being better than wound licking.

    Thanks for the peek into your life and I am glad to know my child isn’t the only one who flips out over things that have me saying “Seriously? Whose kid are you?”

  • Roiling Boll

    Roiling Boil

    Rolling Roil

    Rolling Boil

    LOL. I can’t say cinnamon right, it’s all good.

  • Hayden

    “no head, no head”


  • Love Edamame. Hate Dame Edna. Love Chuck. Curious about Coco. Adore Jon. Crazy about Heather. Can’t let a day go by without Dooce.

    Amazing work. On all counts.


  • Now that’s entertainment!

    Love the porn music (not that I’ve ever seen one).

  • jennifer

    I always put a little freshly squeezed lime juice (and salt) on my edamame

  • MelissaInAz

    Holy shit that was funny.

    THANK GOD you explained about the wound licking cause that would have been totally confusing otherwise.

  • dogmom

    God, here I am at work and LMAO over some ordinary thing like wound care and edamame. Who would have thunk it? You guys are so normal it’s hilarious! What a crazy world. Thanks for the laughs.

  • J. Bo

    I think “Edamame Filmmaking” could become its own school of aesthetic cinema.

    And tell Jon that vessel is truly more pot than pan (and is technically called a saucier). Also, it’s better to use more rather than less water. So you were right on both counts.

  • b

    Um, why isn’t “SILHOUETTE OF MICHAEL PHELPS’ ABDOMEN” a hyperlink?

  • Ruth

    Love the movie. I also panic and speed up whatever I’m doing when the water begins to boil 🙂

    To add to an earlier post, I think Jon looks like Josh Radnor from How I Met Your Mother. It’s the hair. Right guys?

  • “Add one dog” hahahaha. I can’t believe Coco just lets you do whatever you want to her.

  • Sara

    That was hilarious. And I am thrilled that I am not the only one that lets the wailing go on for more than 5 seconds. If that’s child abuse, then we can all share a cell when they convict us.

  • I LOVE your blog and have been reading it for months. But really…..people wanted you to make a video of how to make edemame?!?! (It was entertaining) Can’t they read the freaking label?!?!?! Just a thought.

  • KAS

    My two favorite quotes:
    “Are you calling the Jews cheap?”
    “Tastes a lot better than a wound.”

    I think I am probably in love with you. If “you” means the collection of both you and Jon. We are obviously talking about numerous Oscars here. Probably many more than one, and maybe even more than two. Easily best actor and best actress in a DRAMA. Drama-mama? Or maybe in a mama drama. That’s more accurate, I think.

    I still highly suggest that you come visit the midwest, Heather – I promise that we are indeed very scary people. I am probably the scariest. I mean the nicest. I mean the .. I don’t know.

    Oh! And “Tastes a lot better than a wound” should be your September tagline. That would be amazing. And true. I mean, I haven’t licked you (or my monitor) recently but I’m pretty sure it tastes better than a wound. Although my monitor might not.

  • Oh my hell that was entertaining. You all are so much better than the food network.

    And I can’t decide if you really didn’t know it was a rolling boil, or if you were just pronouncing it funny.

    Royaling = Rolling
    Crown = Crayon

    Is there some great kingdom of pronunciation out there I am simply unaware of? 🙂


  • Oh my heck, this was entertaining. You just ain’t lived until you see a man licking a dog wound.

  • Amazing video– so, so funny. But have you seen the sushi wedding cake featuring edamame as topping?? Check this out:

  • I didn’t realize people needed more directions on cooking edamame than what’s already on the package. But, if I come across some that do, I’ll definitely direct them to this video.

  • Iron chef Armstrong.

  • LOL – “It’s boiling, hurry up – because it’s going to STOP BOILING?” He said it THE SECOND after I thought it. Also, the part with needing more water cracked me up. Glad to know my spouse and I aren’t the only ones who have these conversations.

  • ML

    Somebody get these people their own cooking show. 🙂

  • That video cracked me up. Y’all seriously remind me of my fiance & I. He’s snarky like Jon and I’m spazzy you like you, Heather (in a good way, of course!).

    I’ve never eaten Edamame thought I’m sure I should try it eventually (perhaps that it’s often/traditionally eaten cold is what puts me off).

  • I am dying to know the song during the credits…

  • ariel

    I work in the industry, so I think the credits have to be the best part. I actually laughed out loud.

  • Holy Crap! I have that exact same rusty bottomed colander only in yellow! Same rust and everything!!

  • Wait, what’s unfair? Hasn’t he been watching Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor hold ownage at beach volleyball in what essentially boil down to thongs? I know I have.

  • Tami A.

    Love you guys!! More videos please!
    I agree with KAS, “Tastes a lot better than a wound” has to be your tagline for September.
    And the Food Network should seriously consider you two for their fall lineup.

  • 1. your husband is hottt
    2. please do more of these
    3) not only b/c your hubby is hot, but also b/c it was HYSTERICAL
    4) also, please make sure Leta has a cameo again. awe-some.

  • J

    I loved it. Especially the ‘rumbling boil’ part. (It’s actually a ‘rolling’ boil.) And we have the same kitchen utensils! Wow, I feel super special now.

  • Erin

    When I someday (hopefully) find someone to marry me, I would very much like it if we could have lots of fun together like you and Jon do. I mean, I’m sure you fight over your budget or whatever like everybody, but this kind of silliness makes it all seem worth it.

  • Dog hair makes everything taste better, does it not? Thanks for the cooking lesson. 🙂

  • You know, Jon’s pretty hot. I never realized that until now…

  • Angel

    I think Jon licking Coco’s wound, and YOUR laughter was a riot.

    Do more video’s!

  • LOL! i especially love the credits. nice work!

  • Zak

    “Are you calling the Jews cheap?”

    That was like the most pathetic/hilarious instructional video ever. I heart you two.

    And Leta.

  • Katy

    We went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant with my inlaws a few years ago and my husband and I ordered edamame then promptly went outside to smoke a ciggie before the appetizers arrived. When we returned to the table both my MIL and SFIL had a disgusted look on their face as they pointed to the bowl of edamame and asked us what it was. Confused, we told them it was edamame, then we each picked some up and popped the beans out into our mouths. That’s when we saw the lightbulbs go off over their heads: They were trying to eat them whole, shell and all. Bleeeah! We tried one like that, just to see what they had tried, and it was truly disgusting.

    Thanks for the awesome video. Never thought of making them at home for ourselves! I’ll be sure to try wound-licking when I make them, too.

  • I SAY “ROILING BOIL” TOO! Because it’s funny, of course. I also say “But I digest…” as a transition (a malapropism attributed to my brother in our youth–particularly handy during dinner conversation), and think that is hilarious as well. Apparently, I crack me up. 😉

  • That’s hysterical, and I love Jon’s hair.

    How is boiling water bad for the environment? It’s water goof-ball!

    I really like the house, very nice.

  • O.k., hysterical laughing over dog wound licking….ewww…ha..ew..ha..eeeeeeeewwwwww…haaaa ha ha…..
    I am almost positive this is like a sneaky way to make the public actually not wanna buy edamame thereby increasing your own edamame horde….nice.

  • what, no blooper reel?

  • Jennifer

    I think “Tastes better than wound” is a great tagline for next months’ masthead.

  • Am I really the only one who is ever-so-slightly revolted at the idea of Jon licking her wound?? GROSS!!! Boys are so nasty!

    Also: ROILING is totally the way to say it. It can roll, too, but roiling is like when the fish in a koi pond all start bubbling at the surface to get the fish food you’ve just thrown it. Hence: roiling boil. (yeah, I spent a little time in the south)

    Plus: I love you both. Almost equally (sorry Jon!)

    Furthermore: Your dogs rule.



  • maggie

    Jon is darling, I can see why you like him.
    You, my friend, are bossy.

  • i particularly enjoyed the credits at the end.

    I suggest you might want to disclose, “No animals were harmed in the making of this film.” for the PETA people.

  • Daily Reader

    I want my 5:51 back!

  • Laura

    According to Webster, it’s a ROILING boil… roiling: to agitate water. That dictionary is genius. But I do agree it’s pronounced Crown.

  • AAHHHHHHHHH now it all makes sense!!

    I commented on Jon’s blog already, and omitted many a “…” about the licking of the wound. Because it made no sense. And thus was vaguely creepy.

    Thank you for explaining. 🙂

    Also: I SO KNEW you guys had made a neglect comment, and I was totally wondering where it was!

  • Dear God, I hope this is only the first of a How-To Series by Heather B. and Jon.

    Thoroughly enjoyable! Thanks!

  • Im thinking you should try out for Next Food Network Star.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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