An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pay attention, this one’s complicated

Several months ago when we had Coco fixed the vet sent us home with a packet of information that included a giant red piece of paper covered in a warning about how important it was to make sure that the dog did not lick her own wound. They even gave us a tiny plastic cone to put around her neck just in case she fixated on it, and on the drive home Jon wondered out loud, “They didn’t say anything about whether or not it was okay for anyone else to lick her wound.”

“By anyone else, do you mean Chuck?” I asked hopefully.

“By anyone I mean anyone. What are they implying by the absence of that stipulation?”

“They are implying that they trust you have two brain cells to rub together.”

It was around this time that I brought up the subject of edamame on this website, and many readers suggested that we put together an instructional video on how we cook and eat them. And we shot some footage that night, we certainly did, but other things have occupied our attention since then — SILHOUETTE OF MICHAEL PHELPS’ ABDOMEN, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE — and Jon was all, this is entirely unfair, it’s not like Kate Walsh got dressed up in a tiny bikini and gyrated her perfectly toned body through a pool every night for a week, ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, and he drew up a letter to the Universe and called it several names that I don’t think Harvey Keitel would agree to say out loud in a movie.

So while I was watching every single minute of the swimming portion of the Olympics Jon edited all the footage together and we finally have ourselves a video. He wants you to note a few things before viewing, however:

1. His hair is post nap.

2. His hair and Coco’s hair: matching.

3. My pronunciation of “Jon” is something he hears about 30 times an hour, thus he has developed selective hearing. I call it willfully ignoring me.

4. Leta had a very minor meltdown involving the snap-out portion of her princess magnets; not the magnets themselves, the snap-out holder thingy which he mended with tape. During editing he cut out the footage of us both standing over the pot of boiling water wondering aloud whether or not the sound of our daughter wailing in the other room is what people would refer to as neglect.

5. Behold: mind-blowing special effects. If you blink you’ll miss the part where I run screaming from the house because his hair looks like this.

  • Anything tastes better with dog!

  • Absolutely stinkin’ hillarious! I loved the whole thing.

    And I happen to like your accent, Heather!

  • I missed the music credit… What is that tune? I love it.

  • I don’t know what’s more pathetic – that you and Jon made the video or that I spent 5, 10? minutes of my life watching it. Whatever, it was funny. BTW, ROLLING BOIL. ROLLING! And LOVE that “Hazelton” is your spam blocker word.

  • sometimes i see people in a relationship and say to myself “that is the type of relationship i’d want if i were married” or “i would get married if i had that type of relationship”. granted, there was editing in your video, but i hope you realize how great you two have it with each other – not two peas in a pod, but two soy beans in an edamame. i can only hope that someday i can find someone that is my missing piece, much like jon is yours and you are jon’s. lovely.

  • Val

    Yeah. That was pure awesome.

    More more more!

    PS – was my daughter visiting you that day? Because I swear that was her.

  • Anu

    So, did he actually lick her wound?

  • The credit music = perfect. For some reason that’s the bit that cracked me up the most.

  • Nothing like a good dog wound licking to stir up your appetite for some edamame.

    And lucky me—I have three dogs to choose from!

  • Although it works more for a commercial vs a short film .. I get bags of edamame from Whole Foods, already out of the pod.
    And, they can be steamed in the microwave. (I think the bag you have can be too)

    Perhaps you can edit in a Royaling hand wave whilst watching the water roiling!

    Funny stuff you guys!

  • wait, did jon actually spit hairballs in the edamame water?

  • I feel I am now a complete individual, fully understanding the intricacies of cooking edamame. I was leaving out the “add one dog”… both times. It must make all the difference!

  • So. Am I the only one who had a terrible fear that Jon was pretending to go down on the dog and was SO relieved when it was specified that he was licking a wound?

  • Deb

    Loved it! I was anxiously awaiting a mention of Michael Phelps in the credits.

  • tara

    lime. you forgot to squeeze a lime over them after draining the water – before the added salt – so good. like a healthy margarita, but not at all.

  • Michelle

    Seriously? You’re not supposed to eat the outer shell part? No wonder I hated it!

  • Sarah

    I don’t think we can get Edamame in Canada .. too bad!

    Did you drug Coco?

    My husband loves your granite! (so i would like to ask .. what color are they called?)

  • Jen

    LMAO!! Awesome insight to the Armstrong household! Loved it! Jon’s face when you told him to hurry was priceless!!

  • Anonymous in NYC

    Hysterical. I think you need to put out your own line of “How to” videos…

  • sugapie

    Hey Y’all…the technical name of that fancy pot you boil your edamame in is called a Saucier!

    Loved the video and I second the idea for you to have your own cooking show.

  • Stop the presses, it’s official, Jon is Barton Fink.

  • Eve

    You guys TOTALLY spent all your time on the credits which CLEARLY rocked! Jon kind-of reminds me of Maxwell Smart but much cuter, and…smarter. (:

  • Anonymous

    I would watch reality tv if just one of those dumb shows starred you and Jon.

  • Anonymous

    Very enjoyable. I first watched it on Jon’s site while at work with no sound and no back-story. So glad to have that back-story now!

    Shazam on my iPhone tells me the song during closing credits is “What R We Stealing?” by David Holmes & Dynastie Crisis from the Ocean’s Twelve soundtrack. I dare not question Shazam’s mysterious ways…

  • Kristin

    Where’s the booze!!??!! I’ll anxiously await the reality tv show with ya’ll. Way more entertaining than Jessica and Nick or Tori and Dean or whoever the couple of the reality minute is.

  • I like how Jon says the package doesn’t state its size before he even reads it. I thought my husband was unique in that way. You know, that contrarian way that makes you have to tell him he’s wrong ALL THE TIME.

    I must say I imagined Coco much larger than she is. Or perhaps I pictured Jon smaller. I don’t know. But either way, you’re telling me THAT little, bitty cute dog is the one that wreaks havoc on the household? Nahhhhh….

  • That was greatness!

  • Anonymous

    I was disappointed to find the video unavailable. Will that be corrected?

  • I’m kind of in lust with your kitchen. Great video, I hope all that wound licking helped Coco heal faster.

  • Anonymous

    that video just made my week. maybe my month.

    when’s the next one? September’s looking kinda iffy…

  • Ahhh, that is soooo IT, I’m buying some tomorrow (it’s payday) and cooking it per Jon’s intructions. Looks yummy. Sounds gross.


  • curious_jorge

    could you do all of your posts in movie form? This was spendicular and I was giggling all the way through. That’s gotta feel as good as eating it! or licking it,,,,,,what?

  • “Tonight at ten, tune in for Dooce’s introduction to the almighty edamame.”
    It freakin’ cracks me up how many people are all, OH MY GAWD. YOU MENTIONED THAT SOY BEAN, AND I TRIED IT. AND, IT’S THE BEST THING EVER.
    (I typed it in all caps, you know, for emphasis and everything.)

  • Howling with laughter! Loved the Jon was “licking” Coco’s wound because she couldn’t and also how limp she was in his arms. HILARIOUS!!!!

    Also – the credits were fantastic! I give it 5 edamame pods!!!!

  • You guys are hilarious! I love the “add one dog” part.

  • Anonymous

    Fabulous film making. Not to be a smart ass or anything, but you could shorten your prep time by nuking the edamame with about 1/4 cup of water, salt, cover with plastic wrap leaving a small opening for air to escape, zap for 2 minutes and drain… voila.

    Regardless, funny stuff with Coco’s wound… but eeewww.

  • So, what yer sayin is ya eat edamame like boled peanuts?

  • MC

    Noooooooooooooooooooo! Blasphemy! For the perfect Edamame, it should be STEAMED, not boiled. And then you put it all in a pot, sprinkle a bit of salt over it, put the lid on and then shake it all up.

  • Is it a Dad Thing? Because my man makes our girl “say the whole thing” too:

    “I want my (insert unreasonable request)!”

    “What do you say?”


    “Say the whole thing.” (or “Who are you talking to, and what do you want?”)

    “Pleeeeeese Daddy may I have my (unreasonable request)?”

    “Yes you may.”

    I cracked up when Jon did it, too! I thought I had the only one!

    There will be more movies in the future, yes?


  • Gabrielle

    After seeing Jon in this video, I finally say that I get the whole Laroquette thing. The world makes sense again!

  • One of the worst things about my apartment (next to the incredibly loud 4 a.m. sex above us and the recording studio in the bedroom below us) is that the entirety of my two and a half square feet of kitchen counter is separated from the stove by empty space on one side and the refrigerator on the other. While watching this video, I was totally distracted by the fact that your stove is actually on your counter. I’m jealous and, frankly, a little turned on.

  • I am cracking up right now that you totally boiled microwaveable edamame. I microwave my Edamame Steamer, then toss it in sea salt. Delicious. My kids even eat it.

  • This video was hilarious! I had to google edamame though because until I read about it, they just looked like some snow peas on crack.

  • jon licking coc’s wound actually made me SNORT!

  • kelly

    I love that the bag of edamame you used totally says “steamers” on it, implying it is the kind you can pop in the microwave, but youall choose to boil water and crap. Also that is enough edamame for one serving maybe, and all three of you are having it for what I hope is not dinner, but maybe a mid-afternoon snack?? The movie is longer than it would take to prepare and eat the amount of edamame there, but maybe thats just me and my family.

  • Yeah, but you forgot to say if you guys eat them warm or cool…I’ve only ever had them shelled and at room temperature, so I’m curious.

    Have you ever had dry-roasted edamame? It’s awesome…better than peanuts. I used to get it at Trader Joe’s but I haven’t seen it there in a while.

    Loved Leta’s little fluttering hands as she asked for her “thing” back. She’s so cute!

  • candybeans

    possibly my favorite part: sheinhart wig company! good lord, am i glad there are other people out there who appreciate that show like i do…
    and, ditto above comments: while Jon’s hotness had previously not been as apparent to me, hearing him talk and generally Jon around made his hotness abundantly clear.

  • Maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but Jon is a hottie! Fabulously entertaining.

  • I have those very same (well, not the VERY same – those are yours, of course) colanders!

  • Aimless

    So will the Heather and Jon show be on FoodTV next season? What time slot, I need to set my DVR up with a season pass. I like the part where Jon says, “No, say the whole thing nice.” I do the same thing to my son.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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