the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Because they were out of GWAR cake toppers

Five years ago at this exact moment a wall-eyed anesthesiologist was sticking an enormous needle in my back in order to administer an epidural. To celebrate the anniversary of this event I made cupcakes.


They were out of GWAR cake toppers

I’ve spent the last two days preparing for Leta’s birthday, and instead of just buying cupcakes for her party I indulged the Mormon in me. Meaning I had my sister wife make them. I guess this means she’s the one getting lucky tonight THANK GOD.

Huge birthday post coming tomorrow, and when I told Leta what I was doing, writing down all these feelings I have for her and would she like to hear them all, she goes, “Sure, if I can have some ice cream after.” It’s her birthday tomorrow, I guess I can unchain her from the boiler long enough for dessert.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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