An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Third and final leg

This week marks the final dates of my book tour spent on the road, and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my readers in Denver and Austin:

DENVER, CO
Monday, April 6
7:30 PM MST
TATTERED COVER
9315 Dorchester Street
Highlands Ranch, CO 80129

AUSTIN, TX
Wednesday, April 8
7:00 PM CST
BOOKPEOPLE
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

For those in my home town of Salt Lake City, here’s a reminder of the reading/signing I’m doing a week from Wednesday:

SALT LAKE CITY, UT
Wednesday, April 15
7:00 PM
KING’S ENGLISH BOOKSTORE
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105

So far the most difficult thing about being on the road at seven months pregnant is the shoe removal rule at the security checkpoints in every airport. My belly is now so awkward and unwieldy that it prevents me from bending over and tying my own shoes. Yes, I know, slip-on shoes would eliminate the problem. But every pair of slip-on shoes I own no longer fits my swollen feet, and if I go out and buy new shoes now I risk getting blisters from breaking them in. So there I am, purse on one shoulder, hulking computer bag on the other, visibly psyching myself up for the exhausting task of bringing my legs up as far as they will go, and blindly fumbling with the laces on my tennis shoes. In San Francisco I asked a strange woman gathering up her carry-on bags if she could do me a favor and tell me if my shoes were tied. She did a double take and tried to reconcile why I was asking her such a ridiculous question, so I clarified, “HI. I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I CANNOT SEE MY OWN FEET.”

Again, this book tour has been nothing short of spectacular, and everyone I have met along the way has reaffirmed the joy I get from doing this, this Online Internet Website Blog Thing, even the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. Especially the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. I found out on Wednesday that the book made the NY Times Best Seller List for 04/12/2009 (OH MY GOD !!!! YES THAT WAS FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS HERE LET ME DO THAT AGAIN !!!!), and to celebrate I walked into my hotel room in San Francisco, fell over sideways on the bed and took a two-hour nap. When I woke up I called my parents to tell them the news, and my stepmother who grew up on a farm in Mississippi asked in her very Southern accent, “That’s a good thing, right?” I said yes, a really good thing, a dream come true, right up there with getting to touch Crystal Gayle’s hair.

In other news, I’m going to be on the Oprah Winfrey show tomorrow (Monday April 6) in an episode dedicated to “the secret lives of moms.” We taped this show a couple of weeks ago, and I am one of the several women who joins via Skype, so I did not get to meet Ms. Winfrey in person. Meaning I have no idea if she smells just as good as she looks, although my money is on ABSOLUTELY. When I mentioned this Oprah appearance a few weeks ago, the one question I got most in my inbox was JUST HOW GOOD DOES THAT WOMAN SMELL?? Just like that in all caps with two question marks. And of course it’s not a question at all, it’s a statement of indisputable truth that requires no response whatsoever. Much in the same vein as JUST HOW DELICIOUS IS THIS DORITO??

  • Kath

    Best seller list? Nice one! It’s well deserved.

    It’s not at all creepy that I posted this seconds after you did is it? No, right?

    Ahem…

  • Anonymous

    Everyone should have a hairy vagina coin purse.

  • I think Jon owes you a foot rub. Especially since he didn’t think to give you the coin purse first.

  • leah

    right along with a hairy vagina purse… Last night I was out for drinks with friends and we had to inform one of the girls that she was sitting under a vagina mirror… yes, a vagina mirror. A guy in our group took a picture of his crotch in the mirror… hilarious…

  • Tiffany

    SO excited to see you in Denver tomorrow! Loving the book! Congrats on the NYT bestsellers list!

  • Is it sad that I’m considering driving 60 miles for your book signing?

  • Is it sad that I’m considering driving 60 miles for your book signing?

  • That is amazing news!! Congratulations. I’m so thrilled to see you all successful and shit 😉 I just finished the book in tears. Never before have I read a book that had me laughing til I couldn’t breathe one minute and crying the next. You are ridiculous, and I mean that in a good way.

  • Louise

    Lol. I needed a good laugh today…. and a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina now. lol

  • Yay…Hairy Vagina Change purse!

    Here is a picture of the beauty of the vagina purse:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennfoik/3403197433/

    You rocked in Seattle Heather, it was so worth it to drive from Chilliwack (1 hour east of Vancouver) to meet you!

    You are my hero!

  • I know you don’t want to hear this… Crocs. Or you could single-handedly revive the ’80s Topsiders/Weejuns preppy deal. Oh, yes.

    I can’t believe your tour didn’t come through Wichita. Ha.

  • darcie

    Got sidetracked by this book at B&N the other day…two hours had passed while I sat on a tiny footstool and I had laughed and cried, like a freak, in public, over a “stranger” I know from “the internet.” You deserve every bit of goodness and the Being of #1 that this book and your gracious, hilarious sharing gets you. Congratulations, Stranger! 🙂

  • I’m so happy to hear that everything is going so well – you deserve it.

    It’s nice to believe in a world where good things happen to good people.

    (And by “good people”, I’m obviously referring to all of you smart, funny, hairy-vagina-purse toting mommy bloggers out there…)

  • I’m marveling at the fact that you’re doing that seven months pregnant. I couldn’t handle a travel schedule that was that frantic under the best of circumstances, so I’m guessing that I’d really suck at doing it with another human being living in my abdomen.

    Good luck with the the last few signings … and consider a Boston signing when you publish the sequel! 🙂

  • OHN

    Am I the only one here that is pissed at Heather for not adding THEIR city to the list.

    C’mon girl…the baby won’t be here for another two months, surely you can squeeze in a few more cities!

    I would even PAY for the book.

  • I drove about 100 miles to LA from Santa Barbara on Thursday, and I am so thrilled to have finally met you! I was a huge dork and too nervous to tell you that you’ve inspired me to start my own blog and that you’re much prettier in person. Thanks so much for inspiring me to write about my life after divorce, although it really seems like a cake-walk, now that I’m reading your book. And double thanks for setting a kick-ass example for women (and my brother!) everywhere. Congrats on your success, the new baby, and your happiness!

  • Anneliese

    Hey, Congratulations on the NYT best seller list!! I just wanted to let you know that if by some weird reason you wanted to do a book signing in CT, I work at Borders and we would love to have you come by. Oh, and I agree with the person above, Jon definitely owes you a foot rub.

  • Big, big congratulations on the NYT bestseller list. I finished your book last night, and the honor is well deserved.

  • Congrats on the book making it on NY Times Bestseller list. That’s major!!!

    It was wonderful seeing you in LA. I left work that day at 3pm and waited outside Book Soup until 7pm. It was so worth it!

    Congrats on all the wonderful things coming your way! I’m so excited for you.
    God Bless!

  • bonzai

    First, CONGRATULATIONS (yes, all CAPS). I missed you in Oak Brook (the day sucked, my kids sucked, and missing your book tour was the empty box of HoHo’s to cap the day).

    Second, are you hiding this trip from your ob/gyn? Mine threatened to hang me by my toenails if I even THOUGHT about getting on a plane after the second trimester. He knew I traveled for work, and he was absolutely berserk on the point.

    Last Birkenstocks – the CUTE non-fat strap ones – maybe Disney Princess Pink? I ‘let mine out’ from the normal buckle position and wore them almost every day for the last two months. Of course, they were useless afterwards, since my bulk flattened the cork foot beds, but at least my circulation reached my toes!

  • Another Heather

    Congratulations on the Times bestseller! I was in Borders the other day with my mom-in-law and she picked up a book off the table we were browsing and read the title. It took me a second to realize why it sounded so familiar… then I realized it was your book! I am really hoping I’ll be able to catch your reading when you’re here in Austin. Good luck with the rest of the tour!

  • Heather, I just had to tell you that I loved the book so much that I read it on the day it arrived. All of it. And I have two small and needy children. So that should tell you how much I enjoyed it. It was far, far, far better than any Dorito, ever.

  • Jessica

    Was heartbroken that I couldn’t make it to Seattle for the signing, but am still considering mailing my book to you to be signed and Leta can write in it. 🙂

    Good luck with the rest of the tour!

  • Congratulations. What a great accomplishment! It was great hearing you read in Portland and fun to see just how many people filled that room so fast. I had friends that didn’t make it in. I feel lucky!

    Good luck with the feet.
    It sucks, but really, it’s the last time they’ll be like this!

  • Crocs/clogs are great in an airport. You just slip them on and-

    Whoa. Almost forgot whose blog I’m reading. Heh.

    I am loving your book. If I weren’t going to school right now, I would have already finished it.

    Congrats on the Best Seller list. You deserve it!

  • wow. nice job getting on the nyt list. may it hit #1

  • Golden Bryant

    I absolutely loved your book! I read it in 2 days.
    I wish you’d come east though for a reading. I’m in MA!

  • Niki

    I have been following your website everyday since I read about you in the washington post (maybe 7years ago). I read your book in one day and you always have made me laugh. I wish you the best of luck you and your family are one of those great stories that keeps getting better and better.

  • beth

    Wow! I am so happy for you! Life could not be any better unless someone gave you a purse in the shape of Coco’s vagina!

  • Congrats on the bestseller list and all your success. AND, welcome back to Austin. As you’ve probably already discovered, it’s the bee’s knees of Texas.

  • Congrats on being on the Best-Seller List!!!! (!!!!) When I went to Barnes & Noble to pick it up, it was the first book on display in the whole store! That’s talent, woman.

    Anyway, the next book you write, you should come on tour in Philadelphia!

  • Hey, Sara Palin supposedly flew from Texas to Alaska AFTER HER WATER BROKE so I think many ob/gyns and midwives would be fine with plane travel in the seventh and eightth months.

    And Heather, here is one of the many things about becoming a bestselling author: Now anytime someone says, God, I can’t believe she got to buy that fancy toothpaste/dog collar/lawn ornament just by writing a stupid Web site, you can say, “No, I got to buy it by writing a bestselling book.”

  • Congrats and good luck with the rest of your tour! I’m sure Oprah smells like blueberry muffins and plumeria but i think i’d still choose the dorito!

  • If I saw you at an airport, I would help you with your shoes.

  • Shelley

    I only recently discovered your blog and I just finished your book too- love them both! As being 37 weeks pregnant with my first child it opened my eyes into what a tough job lies ahead, but also the one that will be filled with the most joy and love! Continued good luck with #2! You deserve it!

  • Well, you know, all that agony over shoelaces is what you get for getting pregnant just before you publish a book.

    Seriously, congrats on all the success, though.

  • Congrats on making the best seller list! That’s a dream of mine as well (not so much on the Crystal Gayle’s hair thingie though.)
    I just finished a novel and I’m working on getting an agent, and I only hope to be half as cool as you are some day.
    Keep up the coolness. I’m so watching you on Oprah tomorrow and I’ll be wishing I had smell-o-vision.

  • LOL ew to the hairy vagina purse pic (comment #10) but you look lovely, Heather. Only you could stay classy holding something like that. 😉

    Congrats on the NYT bestseller list, and all the rest of it frankly. I can’t wait to get my copy (which a good friend in Austin is going to get for me).

    PS: I think the reCaptcha is suggesting a baby name for #2: APPLETON LOVING. Has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?

  • OMG! The bestseller list – way to go! Congratulations! Every author’s dream and you did it – you go, girl!

    You sound exhausted – come feast your eyes on my spring garden when you have time for a little break …

    http://thebutterflymind.com/ramblings_0083_aprilflowers.htm

    http://www.thebutterflymind.com

  • Anonymous in NYC

    Will the Hairy Vagina Coin Purse make it onto your daily style section or can we get a link to where the fan got it? Inquiring minds want to know?

  • YAY DENVER!!! I convinced a non-bloggy friend of mine to tag along, explaining to her that going to see you read was pretty much her equivalent of meeting Jen Aniston. I’m super psyched.

  • Jen

    NYT Best Seller list!? Hot damn! Congrats!

  • Anonymous in NYC

    PS just the shear mention of your book on Oprah tomorrow… Your book will go from #16 to #1 in mach 1. Keep it up!

  • Yaaaa dooce! congrats and can’t wait to read the book – and here’s another vote for Boston next time around.

    Watch you start a trend of HVCPs. I can feel it coming.

  • Jess

    Congrats on the NYT list!

  • I hope some day you meet Oprah in person, so we can have a full report. Please bring your book tour to PA.

  • After four children ranging in age from 13 to 2, I completely empathize with everything you’ve ever said/written/thought about motherhood.

    I’ll be watching Oprah tomorrow, though I may have to resort to watching it on the DVR so I can hear what you’re saying over my own voice begging for everyone to FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO FOR 5 MINUTES, PLEASE.

  • Darn! I live in Denver but will not be able to make it tommorow. A HUGE congrats on making the NYTBSL!!!!! (that was FIVE exclamation points).

  • Alana

    Congratulations!

  • Please don’t scream too loudly when you read this… and I say this as an adoring fan and not someone out to kill you… But I think a pair of Crocs would help with the security checkpoint woes. Ask Jon.

    Let me know when you’re done screaming.

    In other news, if you had asked ME about your laces at the checkpoint, I would have tied them myself. In a non-creepy way.

    And HELL YES!!!! NYT Best Seller list. You rock.
    And I’m sorry about Oprah. Next time!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave