the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Third and final leg

This week marks the final dates of my book tour spent on the road, and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my readers in Denver and Austin:

DENVER, CO
Monday, April 6
7:30 PM MST
TATTERED COVER
9315 Dorchester Street
Highlands Ranch, CO 80129

AUSTIN, TX
Wednesday, April 8
7:00 PM CST
BOOKPEOPLE
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

For those in my home town of Salt Lake City, here’s a reminder of the reading/signing I’m doing a week from Wednesday:

SALT LAKE CITY, UT
Wednesday, April 15
7:00 PM
KING’S ENGLISH BOOKSTORE
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105

So far the most difficult thing about being on the road at seven months pregnant is the shoe removal rule at the security checkpoints in every airport. My belly is now so awkward and unwieldy that it prevents me from bending over and tying my own shoes. Yes, I know, slip-on shoes would eliminate the problem. But every pair of slip-on shoes I own no longer fits my swollen feet, and if I go out and buy new shoes now I risk getting blisters from breaking them in. So there I am, purse on one shoulder, hulking computer bag on the other, visibly psyching myself up for the exhausting task of bringing my legs up as far as they will go, and blindly fumbling with the laces on my tennis shoes. In San Francisco I asked a strange woman gathering up her carry-on bags if she could do me a favor and tell me if my shoes were tied. She did a double take and tried to reconcile why I was asking her such a ridiculous question, so I clarified, “HI. I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I CANNOT SEE MY OWN FEET.”

Again, this book tour has been nothing short of spectacular, and everyone I have met along the way has reaffirmed the joy I get from doing this, this Online Internet Website Blog Thing, even the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. Especially the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. I found out on Wednesday that the book made the NY Times Best Seller List for 04/12/2009 (OH MY GOD !!!! YES THAT WAS FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS HERE LET ME DO THAT AGAIN !!!!), and to celebrate I walked into my hotel room in San Francisco, fell over sideways on the bed and took a two-hour nap. When I woke up I called my parents to tell them the news, and my stepmother who grew up on a farm in Mississippi asked in her very Southern accent, “That’s a good thing, right?” I said yes, a really good thing, a dream come true, right up there with getting to touch Crystal Gayle’s hair.

In other news, I’m going to be on the Oprah Winfrey show tomorrow (Monday April 6) in an episode dedicated to “the secret lives of moms.” We taped this show a couple of weeks ago, and I am one of the several women who joins via Skype, so I did not get to meet Ms. Winfrey in person. Meaning I have no idea if she smells just as good as she looks, although my money is on ABSOLUTELY. When I mentioned this Oprah appearance a few weeks ago, the one question I got most in my inbox was JUST HOW GOOD DOES THAT WOMAN SMELL?? Just like that in all caps with two question marks. And of course it’s not a question at all, it’s a statement of indisputable truth that requires no response whatsoever. Much in the same vein as JUST HOW DELICIOUS IS THIS DORITO??

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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