Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Third and final leg

This week marks the final dates of my book tour spent on the road, and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my readers in Denver and Austin:

Monday, April 6
7:30 PM MST
9315 Dorchester Street
Highlands Ranch, CO 80129

Wednesday, April 8
7:00 PM CST
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

For those in my home town of Salt Lake City, here’s a reminder of the reading/signing I’m doing a week from Wednesday:

Wednesday, April 15
7:00 PM
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105

So far the most difficult thing about being on the road at seven months pregnant is the shoe removal rule at the security checkpoints in every airport. My belly is now so awkward and unwieldy that it prevents me from bending over and tying my own shoes. Yes, I know, slip-on shoes would eliminate the problem. But every pair of slip-on shoes I own no longer fits my swollen feet, and if I go out and buy new shoes now I risk getting blisters from breaking them in. So there I am, purse on one shoulder, hulking computer bag on the other, visibly psyching myself up for the exhausting task of bringing my legs up as far as they will go, and blindly fumbling with the laces on my tennis shoes. In San Francisco I asked a strange woman gathering up her carry-on bags if she could do me a favor and tell me if my shoes were tied. She did a double take and tried to reconcile why I was asking her such a ridiculous question, so I clarified, “HI. I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I CANNOT SEE MY OWN FEET.”

Again, this book tour has been nothing short of spectacular, and everyone I have met along the way has reaffirmed the joy I get from doing this, this Online Internet Website Blog Thing, even the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. Especially the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. I found out on Wednesday that the book made the NY Times Best Seller List for 04/12/2009 (OH MY GOD !!!! YES THAT WAS FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS HERE LET ME DO THAT AGAIN !!!!), and to celebrate I walked into my hotel room in San Francisco, fell over sideways on the bed and took a two-hour nap. When I woke up I called my parents to tell them the news, and my stepmother who grew up on a farm in Mississippi asked in her very Southern accent, “That’s a good thing, right?” I said yes, a really good thing, a dream come true, right up there with getting to touch Crystal Gayle’s hair.

In other news, I’m going to be on the Oprah Winfrey show tomorrow (Monday April 6) in an episode dedicated to “the secret lives of moms.” We taped this show a couple of weeks ago, and I am one of the several women who joins via Skype, so I did not get to meet Ms. Winfrey in person. Meaning I have no idea if she smells just as good as she looks, although my money is on ABSOLUTELY. When I mentioned this Oprah appearance a few weeks ago, the one question I got most in my inbox was JUST HOW GOOD DOES THAT WOMAN SMELL?? Just like that in all caps with two question marks. And of course it’s not a question at all, it’s a statement of indisputable truth that requires no response whatsoever. Much in the same vein as JUST HOW DELICIOUS IS THIS DORITO??

  • mick

    Congrats on the best seller list! I’ve just got The Book from Amazon and just eat half of it already 🙂 (

  • NYT best seller list! You rock! I am in awe! You’re really packing a lot in. Good for you. . . keep going’ girl.

  • Peg

    I CANNOT wait to see you tomorrow and I am planning on bringing the baby a present. I hope that doesn’t creep you out – too much

  • How about not untying your shoes and just slipping them off, then on again? Or you could always check out the slip on tennis shoes, no breaking in needed.

    Good Luck

  • Collette

    One word: Danskos. Maybe not the most fashionable but slip on, no blisters and oh so comfortable.

    And congratulations on the bestseller list! I was at the library this week and they had your book at the front desk on hold for someone. I tried to get the toddler to grab it and run but he doesn’t follow commands very well.

  • Excellent, I am so happy for you! Can’t wait to get the book myself. Sad I had to miss you in SF, but it was too late for me as I rise early for college – I know, “Odd College Girl Actually Has Normal Bedtime.”

    Love ya,

    Loyal Reader

  • leah p.

    Hey Dooce. Just bought the book @ book people. I’ll be back on Wednesday for the signing! It’s a beautiful day in Austin. I hope you’re looking forward to Texas.

  • Kim

    Heather, love your book, sad that you aren’t visiting Toronto (though impressed that you’re touring at 7 months!). I have never had a strong desire to have a child, and after reading your book, I am now officially terrified. In a good way! I have a dog who reminds me of Chuck in his younger, wilder years, and methinks that might be enough responsibility for me. Love you!

  • WOOOOT! Congrats on make the list. 🙂

  • Just finished your book – best read in AGES! I loved it and have already insisted to my husband that his life must be on hold until he reads it too!

    It is just fabulous!

  • Congrats on the book and surviving the tour!

    I’m so sorry you won’t actually get to sit next to Oprah and make her as uncomfortable as you did Kathie Lee.

  • Congratulations, Heather!! I’m so happy for you!

  • Congratulations! Your success is deserved. I imagine that Oprah smells like Chanel perfume.

  • Karen

    Congratulations on the success of your book!

    And I’d so be your dedicated shoe tier (not tier as in “three tiered chocolate cake” but tier said like “tire”). You’d never have to worry about untied/unbuckled shoes again (at least during your pregnancy. Although it probably would still be awesome to have someone tie your shoes no matter what physical state you’re in).

  • This is completely off topic, but on American Idol when Paula pulled the crayons and coloring book from under the table and Ryan described it to the blind guy (in my defense I don’t know any of the contestants’ names this year and I say pink-haired girl and Justin Timberlake wannabe), I laughed out loud because he pronounced crayon the way you do. My husband said what the hell did he just say and I felt all smart because I’d heard “crown” before. Don’t let anyone every say reading Dooce isn’t educational. Congrats on the NYT best-seller list, what an accomplishment!

  • Congratulations on the NY Times Best Seller list! You deserve it (and I haven’t read one word of your new book, but can’t wait to because I just finished your first) but I absolutely know it is FABULOUS, and inspring and much more! Can’t wait to see you on Oprah…especially since I will be trying to figure out if you are actually wearing pants! HA! That is seriously hilarious if you weren’t! Technically speaking you could say you had been on national television pantsless…and that is something to be proud of! HA! 🙂

  • Congratulations on the book making the NY Times list!
    Will you please ask Oprah how I can get a secret life? Because it sounds fabulous.

  • Heather

    I was so disappointed when I arrived 15 minutes early at the Powells in Portland for your appearance only to discover the room that it was being held in was closed due to max capacity and that there was a line of about 100 people waiting outside of the room in case they would eventually let anyone else in. I waited there for an hour and while they let some people in when someone would leave the room, they couldn’t get to everyone. I finally had to leave without ever being able to join the crowd, it was devastating! I’d been looking forward to that for two months. If anyone here is still planning on seeing Heather at one of her signings I recommend arriving VERY early. So very, very sad.

  • Firstly, when I went to the Ellen Degeneres show, I noticed that SHE smelled absolutely amazing. Must be a-celebrity-with-their-own-talk-show thing.
    Secondly, I will come see you in Austin at BookPeople AND tie your shoes, if necessary.
    Thirdly, okay there’s no thirdly, but it seemed to keep with the rhythm of the comment to pretend there was.

  • so sad i missed you, heather! you come to LA the one week this year that i actually had to be out of town. i had planned to bring you some photos of chuck i had from back in the day. not quite as exciting as a purse like a hairy vagina, but maybe it would have been a second runner-up? next time for sure. congratulations on all your successes.

  • Megan

    Congrats, bestseller list is an amazing accomplishment, I just purchased the book on Friday and can’t wait to read it!

  • Hi Heather,
    I’ve read your blog for a couple of years and love it. First time I’ve commented. Re the swollen feet, Crocs really are lovely! They feel great and slide right off for security checks. Jon has the right idea!

  • WOW! The NYT best seller list? Congratulations!

  • The answer to those questions is “All the way.”

  • Andrea

    My sister enjoyed meeting you in Seattle for me as I just had a baby and sadly don’t live near where you visited. Even though I’m not a fan of Oprah, I will be watching! Congrats on everything!

  • Doreen

    Will you please post a picture of the hairy vagina coin purse?

  • Meredith

    Your book is great….loved it!!

  • Maybe you shoud name your new baby Oprah?…

  • Bea

    Congratulations! Best Seller, what a title (it’s slightly better than Shit-Ass-Ho Motherfucker)

  • NY Times Bestseller list is indeed a huge deal. Congrats! Looking forward to reading the book.

  • Congratulations!!! I picked up a copy for my mom for mother’s day (last year Dad got “Things I Learned About my Dad”). Good luck on the rest of your tour!

  • I am really looking forward to your reading in Austin this week. But now that you mentioned the hairy vagina purse I feel like I cannot top that…so much pressure….

    Can’t wait and congrats on the NYT Best Seller list!!!

  • Congratulations Heather! I LOVE the book and have cried and laughed through it all. You deserve all the success. p.s. I can’t wait for Oprah tomorrow!!!

  • Congratulations on the best seller list…and the hairy vagina.


  • Honey. I have two words for you: Crocs Cleo. They are not ugly. They are the most comfortable shoes in the world. They will not cause blisters. You can get in and out of them effortlessly.
    Seriously. Change your life good.

  • Alison

    Yay Heather! I was at the signing in Mountain View when you announced “It Sucked” made the NY Times bestseller list. So exciting! You absolutely deserve it!

  • Kara Fern

    I am so excited for your signing tomorrow at Tattered Cover! BAAAAHHH.

  • We drove an hour and a half to see you in Not San Francisco, and I’m glad it was there, otherwise it would have been a longer drive for us. I kind of drug my husband along and I know he was pleasantly surprised at how funny you ARE! I hope you get a nice massage. Those massages got me through both of my pregnancies. Congrats and best wishes to you and your great family.

  • Amy

    Way to go Heather! So glad to hear the book and tour are going so well for you. MUST see hairy vagina purse.

  • Erin

    I LIVED in these when I was pregnant. They come in a lot of different styles, so I actually had like 3 pair (and they are CHEAP!).

  • Brea

    I wish I’d know Girlbert (comment #16) was going – I’d have carpooled. I rationalized meeting The Dooce on a Thursday night, driving from Santa Barbara to LA, was over the top. Phooey! I wish I had had the balls to pull it off…

    BTW, although I doubt my mom made it to your book signing – she very well could have been the hairy vagina purse bearer. It’s something she’d do.

    I’m off to get your book tomorrow! HOORAY!!!!

  • Can’t wait to meet you tomorrow night in Denver, I’ve been looking forward to your book tour for weeks! I’m also excited to buy and read your NY Times Best Seller! Congrats.

  • Caitlin

    Congratulations on everything! You may now truly consider yourself a success because my husband walked past as I was reading this and goes, “Dooce is going to be on Oprah? Wow!”

  • Lauren

    Today I purchased the very last copy of “It Sucked…” that my local Barnes & Noble had in stock. I am half way through it and it’s fantastic!!!!! Congrats on your much deserved success!!!

  • Ron


    NY Times Best Seller!!!!

    WOO! WOO! WOO!


    Congrats….cause you DESERVE it!

    Oh…and here’s a few more exclaimation points in case you run out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • I really, really wish I could come see you speak in Denver. I love your blog and your books, but it looks like I can’t make it. You are the best though! Thanks!

  • Julia

    Congratulations on the NYT bestseller!!

  • Jackie

    I pre-ordered your book, and was so pleased when it came in the mail last week! I couldn’t put it down, and now that I’m finished, I feel like I want to pick it up and read it again. LOVED IT!
    Congrats on the best seller list!!

    Also, your not alone, it too me and my husband 10months to be able to reconvine the “procedure”.

  • Congrats! I pre-ordered the book so I’d like to think I contributed. I considered passing it around, but then decided that my friends and family should just go get their own, thus propelling you higher on the list.

    Congrats again!

  • Anonymous

    i would have totally come with you, free of charge, and carried your bags, tied your shoes, and fetched your doritos! how creepy that is! but it’s the first thing i thought after reading this….. although you’re big time now, i was there before coco and leta with ya, i love ya like a sister– and i’m so so so proud of you! we have all watched you grow and go through so much- and you’ve given us all love along in all the creative ways you’ve shared about this crazy little thing called life. cheers to you, heather!

    (so truly sorry i missed you in mountain view! (camping trip parent info night for my class of 4th graders.)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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