An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Third and final leg

This week marks the final dates of my book tour spent on the road, and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my readers in Denver and Austin:

Monday, April 6
7:30 PM MST
9315 Dorchester Street
Highlands Ranch, CO 80129

Wednesday, April 8
7:00 PM CST
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

For those in my home town of Salt Lake City, here’s a reminder of the reading/signing I’m doing a week from Wednesday:

Wednesday, April 15
7:00 PM
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105

So far the most difficult thing about being on the road at seven months pregnant is the shoe removal rule at the security checkpoints in every airport. My belly is now so awkward and unwieldy that it prevents me from bending over and tying my own shoes. Yes, I know, slip-on shoes would eliminate the problem. But every pair of slip-on shoes I own no longer fits my swollen feet, and if I go out and buy new shoes now I risk getting blisters from breaking them in. So there I am, purse on one shoulder, hulking computer bag on the other, visibly psyching myself up for the exhausting task of bringing my legs up as far as they will go, and blindly fumbling with the laces on my tennis shoes. In San Francisco I asked a strange woman gathering up her carry-on bags if she could do me a favor and tell me if my shoes were tied. She did a double take and tried to reconcile why I was asking her such a ridiculous question, so I clarified, “HI. I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I CANNOT SEE MY OWN FEET.”

Again, this book tour has been nothing short of spectacular, and everyone I have met along the way has reaffirmed the joy I get from doing this, this Online Internet Website Blog Thing, even the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. Especially the woman in Seattle who gifted me a coin purse in the shape of a hairy vagina. I found out on Wednesday that the book made the NY Times Best Seller List for 04/12/2009 (OH MY GOD !!!! YES THAT WAS FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS HERE LET ME DO THAT AGAIN !!!!), and to celebrate I walked into my hotel room in San Francisco, fell over sideways on the bed and took a two-hour nap. When I woke up I called my parents to tell them the news, and my stepmother who grew up on a farm in Mississippi asked in her very Southern accent, “That’s a good thing, right?” I said yes, a really good thing, a dream come true, right up there with getting to touch Crystal Gayle’s hair.

In other news, I’m going to be on the Oprah Winfrey show tomorrow (Monday April 6) in an episode dedicated to “the secret lives of moms.” We taped this show a couple of weeks ago, and I am one of the several women who joins via Skype, so I did not get to meet Ms. Winfrey in person. Meaning I have no idea if she smells just as good as she looks, although my money is on ABSOLUTELY. When I mentioned this Oprah appearance a few weeks ago, the one question I got most in my inbox was JUST HOW GOOD DOES THAT WOMAN SMELL?? Just like that in all caps with two question marks. And of course it’s not a question at all, it’s a statement of indisputable truth that requires no response whatsoever. Much in the same vein as JUST HOW DELICIOUS IS THIS DORITO??

  • Congratulations, Heather! I’m so happy for you!

  • Erika

    I can’t tell you how much you make me laugh. I’m 26 and not even thinking about kids yet, but the humor totally transfers. Love the site, and plan to buy the book as soon as my next pay check comes.

  • jennifer

    i forgot about the oprah appearance. normally i boycott her show but now i am am required to watch. oprah will sprinkle her magic dust on you and your book will be on the ny bestseller list for years! i am so excited for you!!!!

  • Soooo….stopping by Brisbane, Australia on this tour? Or was that a typo to leave us off? (Kidding!)

    I remember feeling the same when I was pregnant – seven months into it and boarding a plane ON CRUTCHES after our Great Dane knocked me flying. Now THAT was subtle. No-one stared. Not at all.

    Enjoy the adulation and then the foot rub!

  • Meg

    I always wanted to touch Crystal Gayle’s hair, too. It’s My childhood fantasy. (But yeah, NYT bestseller list tops that. wow)

  • Anonymous

    Congrats on the Best Seller, but Oprah? OH NO! This blog will crush under the weight of the Cult of O that surely will follow. Bye, Dooce. Was great while it lasted.

  • Congrats, Heather! That is fantastic news! I’d like you to know that I bought it, read it, loved it 🙂

  • Jennifer

    I cannot believe how lucky I am that you’re not only coming to Denver, but in reality you are coming to the Tattered Cover in Highlands Ranch and I just happen to live 1 minute away from there! I’m so excited to see you! Your book was amazing and I laughed and cried the entire time.

  • caril

    I am making a hairy testicle purse for Jon.

    (w00t on the NYT…)

  • If I didn’t just have brain surgery on Monday, I WOULDN’T MISS YOUR BOOK PEOPLE READING FOR ANYTHING.

    But I did.

    So … #^($@&%*^@(&^($%&

    I’m a little pissed.

    Have a blast when you’re here!

  • Christy Wood

    Why didn’t New Orleans make the list???? I would love to meet you. Congratulations on your success….a dream come true, indeed!

  • Ray

    CONGRATULATIONS on getting on the NY Times Bestseller List!! That’s awesome. =D And I look forward to seeing you on Oprah tomorrow.

    Take, care. ;o)

  • All I could think about while reading this entire post was: if she only bought clogs for traveling, she could avoid the whole shoe-at-the-airport dilemma…

    Congrats on NY Times Bestseller!!

  • Chelsea

    Sooo happy for you Heather! I can’t wait to see you on Oprah.

  • Brookins

    I was already en route to an awkward non-vacation with my family in Colorado when I realized I would miss your LA date…but LO! Your Colorado date is not only perfect timing, but also right by their house! Whoo!

    Can’t wait to offer to tie your shoes, and pick up a book. Lord knows I need something to read while my parents watch things like HGTV for 14 hours straight followed by the entire showing of the 2009 country music awards.

  • Beth C

    Hi Heather, I just finished your book. It took me about 3 days, most of which was on public transit which was kind of embarrassing because I cried the entire time. It was such a lovely book, I really enjoyed it. Thnx.

  • When in the SLC. You must tote yourself across the street to the Paris to have a snack before or after the signing. I will be working and not able to bask in your brilliance at the Kings English. Congrats on NYT List. Woo Hoo!

    Have you really touched Crystal Gale’s hair? I heard it smells good…

  • I am so bummed that I missed your San Francisco reading. I had it on my calendar since you first announced your tour dates and had been looking forward to it ever since. I fully planned on driving out to see you (from an hour outside the city). But then the hubby had a thing so I had baby duty, and on top of that I got sick. Boo.

    But I did buy your book. And I’m happy to hear your tour has been so successful. Congrats!

  • i was the bearer of the vagina purse, which i whipped up myself about 30 minutes before i left to go to the signing.
    here’s a photo i snapped of it before i fled the house to get there in time:

    i’m almost embarassed to admit that i had to leave before the q+a period finished because i had to get to a dance class that evening….so i’m hoping you’ll accept a copy of your book with an old-school SASE to sign and mail back to me…

  • Meg

    Just letting you know I’m holding out for a copy in Australia 🙂 I keep pestering my local bookshop and they’re trying, apparently.

    Keep up the good work 🙂 Wish we could get a book signing all the way out here!

  • Congrats on the muttilicious (more about that word here and book, nyt list and all.

  • JennC

    Holy Christ! I’m in the top 200 comments!
    Anyhoo, enough about me and on to: you. Congrats on the best seller list!! I have my copy (pre-ordered, of course) and am waiting until the semester is over so I can take my time and savor it. (F’ing *job* screwing up my life again).

    Congrats congrats congrats! You rock.

  • Without being horribly condescending, I’m so proud of you. Yes, I am significantly younger than you, and no, I am not your mother, but you make me proud to write. Specifically, you make me proud to write about poop jokes and alcohol-fueled conversations. 🙂

    You go! Congrats! And thank you for being a role model for all of us small-time bloggers.

  • AJ

    I’m SOOOOOOOO excited to see you in Denver tomorrow! THANK YOU for coming!

  • Heather,

    It was so great to meet you in Seattle–I too failed in the moment (plus my friend was talking to you about Reese’s appreciation) to mention how you have been an inspiration to me as a writer and blogger and I admire your honesty and wit and dedication to your craft. Sincere congrats on the NYT list!

    Anyway, I was on Oprah’s show once a while back, and honestly all I could smell was her diamond stud earrings that are WAY bigger in real life.

  • is it weird that I almost clapped because I was so excited about your book being a best seller??? so happy for you =D congrats!

  • Robyn

    Can’t wait to watch Oprah tomorrow – glad I have Monday’s off and looking forward to King’s English on 15th. You crack me up and always entertain. The fact we live in the same town is even better. My daughter who lives in LA got me hooked on you. She discovered your blog and website when she got homesick and was looking for photos from home. Your daily photo filled the bill and an empty place in her heart. Thanks!

  • Stenar

    Now that you’re a NY Times Bestselling author, that Oprah needs to have you on her show in the flesh, if nothing else so you can smell her. 😉


  • I saw the now-legendary gifting of the Hairy Vagina Purse and I feel truly special for having witnessed this moment in Dooce history. (I was at the back of the Seattle crowd–also the girl who requested you draw a little poop under your signature. Because our favourite posts are about the poop.)

    Congrats on the NYT listing. That means all future editions will probably mention it on the cover, and you can forever afterwards call yourself a New York Times Best-selling Author. With CAPITAL LETTERS!

  • You never cease to amaze me! I don’t know which is cooler, the NY Times Bestseller List OR Oprah. (The hairy vagina coin purse totally beats both of them, though.)

  • jilljen

    Hi – I just wanted to let you know that I ordered your book from Amazon as soon as I could and had it sent over here to me in Norway. And I couldn’t put it down!! I finished it early this morning, and I just want to thank you for writing and sharing your experiences. Love your blog – and your book!

  • Just finished reading your *entire* blog last week and I love you(in a non-toe licking way, of course!)

    I totally understand travelling 7 months preggo-I did that with my 20 month old, and NOT recommended, by the way! I seriously wanted to tell the airport to suck it but I also wanted to catch my flight!

    My blog sucks ass compared to yours, but you have inspired me to be more open and myself with my writing.

    Anyway, thanks for keeping me company with my newborn through her nighttime feedings, and I can’t wait to get your book when I get into town.

  • Buttercup

    Can post a picture of that purse??? I am dying to see it!

  • Dude – swollen feet suck. I’m almost 7 months along now and my saviour has arrived in the form of compression socks. They are worth it, even though you may need help putting them on. (Although, my husband has proved pretty much useless in this dept. He managed to catch my baby toe this morning and it made me worry that he’s going to injure our child just getting him dressed.)

    Congrats on the Best Seller List! That’s wonderful!

  • Long time lurker… first time poster… Congrats on the best seller list! I’ll definately be DVRing the Oprah show today. Thanks for providing me with some very funny reading material, I do enjoy you!

    May more good things come your way!

  • Congratulations…on everything!! You’re living my dream. 🙂

  • Liz

    I appreciate that you’re pregnant and stuff, but maybe after? Us British feel so left out… 🙁

  • Beth sorry I am unable to make it to your book signing tonight in Denver..I even bought the book 2 weeks ago in hopes to get it signed tonight but life got in the way. I started reading your blog because of Lily Chan. I went to school with her in Singapore…FYI I am an ultrasound TECHNOLOGIST not technician which you state in your book several times..We are very sensitive about being called technicians because we don’t fix your car, heating or air conditioning

  • Congrats on all of your achievements!!!

    I can’t wait to see you this evening in Denver!

  • Anonymous

    I have a friend who just taped on Oprah last week. I’ll ask him about the great smelling thing and get back to you…


  • Lisa

    What fantastic news! I finally received my copy from the Amazon pre-order and am halfway through it. A friend was over, paged through it a bit, and started reading out loud and laughing – another dooce convert!

  • Jen

    Congratulations on making the NY Times best seller list! I am so excited for you!

  • Congratulations! You deserve it …

  • The New York Times bestseller list?!? That is just amazing, congratulations!

  • I hate to point out the obvious, but Crocs would probably solve a lot of this problem.

  • Jessica

    My husband bought me your book as a surprise “just because” gift. It was on my Amazon wishlist. I’m not finished with it yet, but so far I freaking LOVE IT. You are awesome, and I’m thrilled that it made the bestseller list!


  • Congrats on making the NY Times Best-Seller List!

    If you can go on a book tour at 7 months pregnant, than I guess I can haul myself over to the book signing at the Tattered Cover tonight after my little surgical procedure. It won’t be as exciting as getting a hairy vagina purse, but maybe I’ll cough up some stitches for you.

  • amber

    come to canada!! well ok, maybe you can have the baby first. 😛

    congrats heather!! i’m buying the book the second i get home from the UK, so excited for it.

  • Candace

    I’m just so thrilled for you!

  • Heather!! I’m a little bitter that you didn’t come to Boston, but I set my bitterness aside long enough to read the book. You being on the bestsellers list gives me that feeling you get when something really good happens to a friend you really like. I’m so happy for you guys with the book and the baby and I probably need to explore how I can like people this much who I don’t actually know.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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