An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

34 weeks

This week marked the HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY point in my pregnancy:

34 weeks

If everyone could give a warm welcome to my good friend Fred, The Protruding Belly Button, he’s crashing on our couch for the next six weeks. I didn’t hear him knock or drop his suitcase in the living room or notice that he’s been eating all our Lucky Charms. In fact, I had no idea he was here until Jon grabbed my shoulders one morning, looked me directly in the eyes and said, sweetie, I hate to even bring this up, but I think your belly’s got an erection.

I’m resigned to his existence, and sometimes when I’m bored I like to wear really tight shirts in public and watch people try their hardest not to look at him. He’s an evil third eye, a really gross physical abomination that demands attention, and when I notice that someone is actively trying to look elsewhere I’ll start scratching my belly right next to him to give them an excuse to indulge in the fascination. GO AHEAD. LOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOOOOOOK. You want me to lift up my shirt and start waving him back and forth? Because I totally will. No, really. Watch, if I bend over like this it looks like he’s trying to say something. Hey, don’t run away! Come back! My belly button just wants to talk to you!

Life at this point in pregnancy feels very crowded, meaning I frequently feel like I’m wedged between two people on the subway and am afraid to breathe because I might smell onions on their breath. I’m not sure the baby has dropped yet, and just when I think she’s got her feet wedged up behind my ribcage she’ll go scraping a body part against my cervix and I expect a foot to suddenly poke out from between my legs. I certainly hope you’re eating lunch while reading this because there’s nothing like the image of a tiny foot covered in blood and uterine juices to spice up a ham sandwich.

I’m also way more emotional than I have been in previous weeks, on the verge of tears all day long, and even now as I write this I’m trying not to cry. About what? Do you even have to ask that question? Yesterday it was because my tortilla chip broke into several pieces as I was dipping it into salsa. And then this morning I accidentally dripped toothpaste onto my shirt, and every attempt to wipe it off made the mess exponentially worse, and suddenly I’m standing there crying, the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, drool and foaming toothpaste dribbling down my chin into a puddle on the floor. Because it was the worst thing that ever happened, and how was I supposed to carry on?

Sometimes Leta will turn to Jon and go, dude, she’s crying again. And I’m all THIS IS NOT CRYING. THIS IS MOURNING THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE. DAMMIT, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. STOP LAUGHING, JON.

  • Mary

    Heather you look sooo cute! I hope I’m half as cute as you when I’m pregnant 🙂

    Also PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE show more of the baby’s room! I absolutely love your style and you are making me rethink any design idea I ever had for a baby’s room. It’s so chic!!

    Finally, all you needed with that salsa/chip fiasco was a “rescue chip” – the word of the day on urbandictionary for May 3. Happens to the best of us!

  • Jills

    Shame on you for me giving me false hope that I could look that f-ing gorgeous when 34 weeks pregnant. You’re putting us all on right? You just have a skin covered basketball attached to you, right? RIGHT?!?!?! Seriously, I’m mad at you for looking so good.

  • You look fabulous, Heather. My belly looked like a highway road map by that time in my pregnancy!

  • …quite possibly one of my favorite posts to date. Made me laugh hard enough that I ALMOST forgot about the fact that some avocado from my sandwich found its way to my desk chair, where I then sat on it and proceeded to walk around the office for an HOUR before realizing I had green crap smushed all over my ass. Bravo, Dooce.


  • Julie

    Thank you for the much needed Thursday afternoon laugh! And a few tears of my own 🙂 You look amazing! I only hope that I can look half as great when I’m at this point.

  • Susie

    Ah, the dreaded protruding belly-button… I think all women get them while extremely pregnant, however it is very disturbing to see a man with one… Particularly a man on the beach at a resort, who is talking to me and rubbing his stomach like a pregnant woman would… It was very disturbing. Made even more so by the alarming skinniness of the rest of this man, except for his tummy which was about on par with yours… I still think he may have had a baby in there… Obviously I am still reliving this moment and need to talk to my therapist about it! Take care, you look great!

  • Meranath

    34 weeks!!

    I just had my first baby Friday (I was going to say “we” but the husband sure as hell didn’t push anything out his vagina). When you posted that you were pregnant and only 6 weeks behind my due date I was so excited LOL. OMG MY FAVOURITE BLOGGER IS PREGNANT TOO!! I’m such a nerd.

    My belly button never popped out. I’m convinced it’s a black hole that eats socks and hair ties.

  • ember
  • Words cannot express the magnitude of your hilarity! Honestly, how can you live with yourself and not pee in your pants all the time from laughing so hard? Or is Jon who’s doing all the laugh-peeing? Great post, I freakin’ loved it!

  • Nin

    I’m a week ahead of you, and in the past 7 days I have completely dropped and my belly is now where your crotch is. Except we’re having a boy and the world and his wife keep telling me that they hang out a bit lower anyway.

  • Heather – I can’t believe how little your bump is for as far along as you are. Seriously, I was that size when I was, like, 4 HOURS pregnant. You’re lucky!

  • Julie

    My five year old sitting next to me said “I think she is going to have a baby.’ He is very observant.

  • Tom @145 – thanks for the best That’s What She Said set up I’ve had in weeks.

  • I would totally make out with Fred.



  • Jae

    Best wishes!

    Your eyes are purdy! 🙂

  • Once again, you look amazing!!

  • Jo-Anne

    Is it wierd to want to feel ‘scraping of the cervix’ by little feet? I’m beginning to think that I should count my chickens before they hatch and leave my eggs unfertilized!

  • Mari

    Your writing is a gift. One that arrives pretty much five days a week. I look forward to checking your site each day after work. As a new grandma, my response is always grandmotherly, hoping all goes well for you. You are doing great.

  • You make me laugh. I love this site.

  • I too am 34 weeks and could have totally written this post. I cry, I’m annoyed, I pee. I cry, I’m annoyed, I pee. Lather, rinse, repeat.

  • Toothpaste on the t-shirt – is there anything more worthy of a good cry? Two days before my period and any toothpaste-related mishap is not only worth a good cry but, somehow, is clearly the fault of the husband.

    I’m just saying.


  • I’m so glad there was a post when I checked out your blog tonight. Because I just finished your book and the withdrawal was getting painful.

    You are beautiful. (Getting tired of hearing that yet?)

    And Fred’s pretty cute too.

  • When I was pregnant, while ironing, I ironed my tummy, aka,
    baby bump

  • mijke

    Reading the Grapes of Wrath last night, I came to the bit where Ma says of Rose of Sharon, “‘Course she is. Girl with a baby always gets prettier.” And I thought, whoa, that can’t be true, can it? Surely being bloated and tired all the time can’t make a woman look better? And then I saw this post. Dooce, you’re stunning. Hotter than usual, even. Also, that shirt is a really nice colour on you. Congrats!

  • Contrary to what Daddy Scratches said, you DO make me miss the pregnancy and newborn years. I loved all that!

    This is one of the funniest posts I remember reading. Maybe I enjoyed pregnancy because I never had a friend, Fred.

    And holy crap, you look fantastic. Congrats!

  • When I was pregnant, one night my husband found me crying while watching What Not to Wear.

    Hubby: What’s wrong?

    Me: These twins are getting a free $5000 makeover and they’ve just been complaining the whole time.

    Hubby: And it’s bothering you?


    He just paused, looked at the TV then back at me, and then slowly backed away from the crazy pregnant woman.

  • Anonymous

    Oh Heather, you’re so gorgeous and you remind me of why I loved being pregnant……no boundaries! I could cry, scream, whine, whatever and thoroughly loved it! Being squashed by baby flesh was so cool! Temporary! That was my mantra. ohmmmmmm. Then it was over, my baby’s 15, hysterectomy 2 years ago, not ready for grandchildren but enjoyed the 9 months of growing a zygote! Not much longer for you, cry your heart out! Love it all! Teeemmmmpppooorrraaarrrryyyy!

  • Mandy

    God, I had that shit I’m having a baby moment – numerous times…I kept having them pretty much from 34 weeks onwards. They came in the form of early morning heebie jeebies.

    Now, I am on the other side and gave birth to my second son two weeks early! Actually, he still shouldn’t be born yet.

    I had a bathroom bawling moment two days ago, right on schedule for the three day post baby blues. A red eyed, frizzy haired harridan was staring back at me from the bathroom mirror. I was looking, teary eyed, at HUMUNGOUS boobs that were so engorged my rock like cleavage came up to my clavicle and just started bawling like a baby. Then for some reason I thought I’d see how my bum was doing and was greeted with the sight of a flower arrangement of grapes where my neat little anus should have been! I bawled even louder and called to my partner. Poor thing, he came to the door where I’m flashing my brown eye, screaming ‘Look! LOOK!’ His expression said it all.

    Only three days later it is such a different story, everything has gone down and I’m awash with the warmest of fuzzies for my gorgeous little boy Sweeney!

    All the best for the birth, I’m really, really enjoying your blog and the fact we have similar aged kids. The 5 year age difference is the best!

  • As several other people have said, that shirt goes perfectly with your eyes! Did you Photoshop it? 🙂 Been reading through your site from the beginning for the first time, watching Leta grow, and even though I am only 23, it’s making my ovaries cry! This baby is going to be just as gorgeous as she was and still is!

  • During my last pregnancy, my 4 y.o. told me my protruding belly button looked like a nose on my belly. I put a band-aid over it when I had to dress-up and didn’t want a nose sticking out of my shirt.

    Good luck and congratulations!

  • Heather, we love you. Hang in there. You’re almost there sweetheart.

  • Heather, we love you. Hang in there. You’re almost there sweetheart.

  • I laughed so hard at this one that I started crying. Real tears. Poor heather – I hope your foot heals quickly and that no more tortilla chips break off!!

  • Forget about all the discomfort. I was just grateful to stop spilling things all over myself. Things like toothpaste, ketchup, contact lenses, my own drool… Pregnancy is so magical.

  • phylly3

    I just have to comment that either way it goes, your new child cannot miss in the gorgeous eyes department.

  • sparkyd

    Yep, I’m only at 31 weeks and I’ve had to fight back the occasional WTF? tear already. I have vivid memories of bawling my eyes out at kiddie music of all things towards the end of my first pregnancy. Anyhoo, this post made me laugh so hard that I did shed tears – but they were totally justified happy tears. The kind that do your soul good.

  • Jenn

    Well now that you put it THAT way, what the hell am I waiting for? This pregnancy thing is sounding like a such a blast! 🙂 Actually, I love your brutal honesty. That way, if and when I am blessed to be in your (probably one size up by now) shoes, I will know just how to describe the sensation of a foot kicking my cervix.

    Good luck and hang in there (or out, if you’re Fred)!

  • Jessica

    I somehow escaped the protruding belly button… a blessing which was not lost on me. Fred or no Fred, you look beautiful. I wish you comfort and calm for the next six weeks and beyond.

  • sparkyd

    OK, so I just commented a few minutes ago but that was before I read any of the other comments and I just had to add that I now have tears (of laughter) STREAMING down my face at some of the things other people wrote. Good stuff.

  • This post really made me never want to get pregnant ever. By the way, you look awesome.

  • Lindsay

    Holy Mother of Crap this is the best post ever. I laughed so hard my husband thought something was physically wrong with me. I love it. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today!

    Good luck on the next 6 weeks!

  • Honestly, women shouldn’t look as good as you do during pregnancy. And, to be funny as well? It’s freakin’ wrong.

    But, you do look wonderful, happy and healthy. And, in spite of the hell that pregnancy can be, you are soon going to be Mommy to two gorgeous, beautiful, wonderous children.

    Tell Jon he shouldn’t laugh at you. He should be bowing down to you, enamored of your ability to produce a human being, to carry said human in your body for 10 months, and then to expel said child.

    Thanks for the smiles and laughs. Thinking of you over the next 6 weeks. The end is in sight…

  • Courtney

    Heather, you look fan-damn-tastic!

  • Just have to say you look amazing!

  • But despite it all, Heather, that color blue is still *fantastic on you. So there’s that.

    and dude, yeah, I was totally eating dinner while reading this post.


  • Crystal

    You look beautiful and today’s chip cracking or toothpaste shirt is only one day.

    By the way … I live in Portland and I drove past Powell’s (world’s best bookstore) the other day and saw a poster for your book. It was exciting to see! Congrats!

  • Anonymous

    Have you had your iron level checked? Because I remember the same dang thing at the same time during both my pregnancies. Maybe it’s hormones, and maybe it’s iron…but it’s perfectly normal.
    I love your bb erection!

  • Lisa

    OMG, Heather…riotous. You are in fine form today, my friend. Thanks for the laughs. The belly button scene nearly made me wet myself. You rock.

  • Cheryl

    I was so moody with my second pregnancy, after the first one was an emotional piece of cake. I don’t know why it was so different, but I was a wreck. My poor, sweet, never-complaining husband worried about me, and we had the following conversations on more than one occasion:

    Him: What’s wrong?

    Me: I don’t know. It’s just that nothing makes me happy and everything annoys me.

    Him (gently): Is there anything I can do?

    Me (tersely and increasingly louder): NO. Because NOTHING makes me happy and EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME.


    Me: Oh man, I’m totally craving brownies.

    Him: Do you want me to go to the store and get some?


    Poor guy. He just couldn’t win. He never complained once while I was pregnant, but now, six years later, I love to drop random references to wanting another baby just to see him break out into a sweat.

  • Does Fred need a friend. Mine popped out early and still hasn’t gone back in after 4.5 months. I think it is here to stay.

    I’m a long time reader, first time commenter. How in the world do you find time to read all of the comments you get on your posts?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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