An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A rambling Sunday evening

Leta had a playdate yesterday afternoon, and in the hour leading up to our departure her head detached from her body and spun sixty feet into the air more than just a handful of times. It was as if we had injected pure adrenaline into her arm, and the speed with which words and sentences were shooting from her mouth reminded me of someone who is auctioning off a prized cow to a flurry of eager bidders. At one point Jon interrupted her verbal diarrhea to ask her to quantify her excitement: was she this excited, with her arms stretched wide? Or was she this excited, with her index finger and thumb an inch apart? She pointed to his thumb and forefinger and said that much, which means if she were ever to experience excitement comparable to the magnitude of space between her outstretched arms, they’d have to make a new model of the globe and put a giant hole where Utah used to be.

My instructions to her on the drive over were to behave and clean up after herself, and that should she throw a fit when it was time to come home I would be forced to dismember her Barbies and feed them to Coco. I didn’t want any crying or pouting when we came to pick her up, and when the time came she did remarkably well. She thanked the parents and waved goodbye, and the stability of the world remained intact until we got to the car. That’s when she started rattling off Things We Never Let Her Do, a rambling, incoherent monologue based on complete fantasy that serves no purpose other than to communicate her frustration: we never let her stay a long time, we never let her sleep over, we never let her play with all of the toys. And yes, it’s our fault, too, that play dates don’t last forever and Travis had to shoot Old Yeller.

We let her wallow in this monologue for several minutes if only to let her articulate her emotion, and then I changed the subject to what we needed to pick up at the grocery store. She immediately protested and announced she would be staying in the car while we ran inside and shopped. Right. Has she not ever seen an episode of Dateline? Even if there weren’t some psycho roaming the parking lot looking for kids left in cars, Murphy’s Law dictates that the car would somehow shift into gear and back up over an old lady in a wheelchair. Next thing you know our five-year-old is doing three-to-five for vehicular manslaughter. And something tells me Leta wouldn’t particularly like prison.

Plus, this wasn’t going to be some quick trip to the store, not when in the five years since I last had a baby they’ve started making more than one type of hemorrhoid treatment. Seriously. Come on. Who is asking for this choice? Because I do not want to have to spend a single second of my life deciding which treatment is the most effective one for my butt. You can just stop right there. How was your day? Oh, I don’t know, there was that one hour I spent agonizing over whether or not the instant cooling cream or the gel fortified with vitamin E and aloe would serve my butt better. THANK GOD MY BUTT HAS CHOICES! Because I have no idea how else I would have spent that hour.

Unfortunately none of us had eaten a full meal yesterday, just snacks and handfuls of breakfast cereal, and I don’t think there is a worse condition to find yourself in when confronted with aisles and aisles of pre-packaged food. Because oh my god I totally forgot about Hostess Zingers! Remember those things? Turns out you can buy them in packages of twelve! Also! Entenmann’s Coffee Cake! And Soft Batch Cookies! Did you know that Bugles now come in six different flavors? INCLUDING NACHO CHEESE? Why did no one tell me about this two trimesters ago?

And no, this isn’t product placement. None of these brands have paid me to mention them here, I AM OVER EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Women in my condition daydream about giving oral sex to powdered doughnuts, I cannot help it if someone says NABISCO and automatically I think about foreplay.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one mesmerized by the promise of artificial flavoring. While unpacking the bags at home I pulled out a giant box of Crunch ‘n Munch that I had not known was in our cart. Do what? Who snuck this box of Crunch ‘n Munch, JON? Apparently, “we” are all doing hard work to get this baby here, and “we” need to be rewarded from time to time. Isn’t that cute? How instead of admitting to a moment of weakness he tried to take credit for the baby? So cute, in fact, that for a moment I considered changing my last name back to Hamilton.

  • JeanneD

    My kids all wanted what they didn’t get. The step-daughters, 13 months apart, wanted to have older brothers or sisters, but not each other. My 14-year-old wants an older brother and younger sister, the exact opposite of what she’s got. The 10-year-old wants a younger brother or sister, and possibly a twin, but no older siblings. We can spend entire TV-free evenings discussing what they’ve missed because…

  • Powdered doughnuts? What, doughnuts which have been ground up? Sounds impractical. Oh…

    Also, misread “aloe would serve my butt better” as “aloe would serve my butt butter”. Cue several confused moments wondering why the heck a haemorrhoid cream would be serving sandwich spreads to your bum. Connotations.

  • Four words: Hotdog On a Stick….lots of ketchup and mustard…my family had no idea that when I would disappear for fifteen or twenty minutes, I was B-lining it for the Cottonwood mall for my daily fix.
    Is it pathetic that crave these things even though my baby is four?
    by the way Crunch n Munch vs Cracker Jacks….Crunch and Munch all the way!!!

  • I’m six months pregnant and re-discovered Twinkies yesterday. When I saw them I immediately wanted Zingers, but they didn’t have them. Instead, I bought a box of 10 Twinkies, ripped in to the box (because I couldn’t wait the full block and a half it takes to drive from the store to my house) and ate one on the way home. I then managed to eat three more, one after the other. And another one after dinner. I’m about to eat one now, which isn’t the smartest thing two days before my glucose screening.

  • Anonymous

    No matter how it starts, when you are that pregnant all thoughts and conversation will circle back to food.

  • Anonymous

    soak some pads in water, freeze them & use when needed. blissful relief (also great if you’ve been stitched ….)

  • Sassysuds

    Heh. You think Leta is excitable now, just wait for hormones to enter the picture.

    You’re welcome.

  • Jessica

    I was born in 1978, and I know Crunch N Munch to be the perfect combination of sweet and salty.

    Must go get some.

  • Anonymous

    At least when I decide to get pregnant I’ll actually have a reason to get cravings. As it is now I have no excuse for the contents of my pantry other than I am weak, very very weak and cannot control myself. Oh yeah, and my boyfriend is as guilty as John of sneaking things in the basket when I’m not looking

  • –>I’m glad Leta had a good time on her play date.
    As for the grocery store excursion with a hungry husband, child and pregnant mother – – you did rather well.
    I couldn’t pass up a box of Little Debbie’s every time I ran to the store for thing when I was pregnant. If it was fat Full it was coming home with me.

  • I just had my fourth child a year ago. The last month of pregnancy I lived off banana moon pies and peanut butter cups!!!

    When the baby was born she had the fattest cheeks so I called her Baby Moon Pie.

    Best of luck with the new baby!!!


  • Can’t wait to get preggers- right now my life revolves around food and my diet is based on blissful weeks with my lover, pickles, strawberries, feta cheese on top of watermelon….whatever maybe just as a hot romance it ends and I pick up another yummy food to obsess about. I have no idea what kind of a food monster I will be once pregnant. 5th month trying and no luck when should I get worried dear diary =)

  • I’m thinking of having another child for no other reason than the gross crap that I will allow myself to eat in the last trimester. The sad thing: that was a semi-serious statement.

  • bohica

    Just be grateful that Leta didn’t spend the rest of the day telling you why her friend’s mother is better than you. Oy, that’s irritating. YEAH, kid, her mother loves her more, deal with it. And when you grow up, you can have your own kids and let them play with knives and jump off the roof.


    How did you get her into the store?

  • i had my son about 22 months ago. and i still have issues when i roll past that bright red soft-batch cookie bag. during my c-section, i think a few keebler elves came out, too.

  • I’m 26 and know all about Crunch n’ Munch, but maybe it’s a southern thing or the fact that I come from a family of diabetics who refuse to change their eating habits despite my continuous lecturing. At any rate, Bugles and Crunch n’ Munch are fantastic!

  • Alyxherself

    Crunch n munch huh? heh heh. Yeah, jon, what are you doing on the back porch beofre the box of crunch n munch comes out to play?

    B. 1969. Ate crunch n munch in early twenties. Grew up. Fund POPYCOCK! mmmmmm. Poppycock. now that’s some grown foks snacks right there.

    Life is short. Eat the snacks.

  • The very idea of hemorrhoids (not to mention a certain post on Amalah’s postpartum blog about tearing) is enough to keep me childless forever.

  • Two words … Waffle House. It’s pregnant woman heaven.

    1) It has all the food groups. Scattered, smothered, and covered.

    2) Even at 30 weeks + pregnant, you will still feel like the thinnest, most attractive person there.

  • Bria

    This post made me hungry…hungry in an unfair way. I’ve commented before and mentioned that I am also pregnant (4 days until I’m due. Woot!), so that’s old news. The reason why I find this particular hunger unfair is that I am an ex-pat of sorts, living in England, rather than my native California and I have had all sorts of ridiculous cravings for processed American junk food products THAT THEY DO NOT SELL HERE!! Luckily, the wee one will be here soon and hopefully I will go back to my processed junk food shunning ways. Hopefully. Meanwhile, can you please send me some Kraft Mac & Cheese. 🙂

  • Ahh, welcome to the beginning years of “LIFE IS NOT FAIR” and brush off your “If Suzie jumped off the bridge….” talk, because I honestly think this goes until they are like 18 or 27 or something. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leta’s friends do the same thing when they go home. “whyyyy can we have 2 dogs” “mommy, why can’t you be some awesome famous blogger who makes appearances on Oprah???”

  • Jennifer

    Re: Comment #27 – incest bites? ouch.

  • Bria

    P.S. They also don’t have Crunch n’ Munch here…and now I’d like some of that too. 🙂

  • Now THAT is a rambling you pay attention to. Laugh out loud funny and entirely relatable!

  • Carrie

    I’m 8+ months pregnant as well and I couldn’t find the words to say exactly what I want to do to a powdered doughnut so thanks for that!

    Thank goodness Easter has passed and those Reese’s peanut butter eggs are gone because I couldn’t get enough of them. My husband will know who to blame if our daughter comes out with a love for chocolate and peanut butter.

  • Ha! Ha ha ha! Oh men, with their quaint little understandings of pregnancy and their role in it. Even if Jon were to run to the store for ice cream three times a day every single day from conception to delivery, he’d still at least be able to sleep soundly at night while you struggled to get comfortable with a giant freaking beach ball in your abdomen.

    Poor Leta, life’s hard. It’s a good thing it gets much much easier when you get older, right?

  • It’s cute that all it takes is a box of Crunch ‘n Munch 🙂

  • I remember trying to explain to a friend when I was pregnant, “You know how they say you shouldn’t go shopping hungry? Yeah that means not shoping the whole time your pregnant.” Ahhh the tasty badness I ate.

  • Bria

    P.S. They also don’t have Crunch n’ Munch here…and now I’d like some of that too. 🙂

  • My husband works for Nabisco and therefore our family depends on a snacking America to survive. I know Nabisco is not paying you for the mention, but on behalf of the families who depend on the company for a steady paycheck, THANK YOU!

  • Suzie

    I have to agree, Tucks pads are the best. Uggh. I do NOT miss those days.

    And I was ADDICTED to Entemann’s Chocolate frosted donuts. OMG, “we” went through MANY boxes of those. And by “we”, I mean my husband was allowed half of one.

    Congrats! Soon you will have a newborn and have no time to eat, so enjoy it now.

  • Sara

    1981 born-Crunch ‘n Munch lover here! I fear pregnancy as I can have premenstrual binges that include the not-so-pretty consumption of entire grocery store birthday cakes. Good thing I bought candles so those pesky grocery store clerks wouldn’t catch on. Wink, wink.

  • MrsEAM

    I was born in 1981 and I call all Crunch N Munch type snacks, Crunch N Munch. This is much to my husband’s dismay, since he prefers Cracker Jack.

  • Anonymous

    Dude. You’re awesome. That was brilliant.

  • Ray

    “She pointed to his thumb and forefinger and said that much, which means if she were ever to experience excitement comparable to the magnitude of space between her outstretched arms, they’d have to make a new model of the globe and put a giant hole where Utah used to be.”

    ^^LOL! That’s a good one. I could quote you on a lot of other things but I won’t waste space. I just love how vibrant your words are and your quirkiness. You’re great. ;o)

    Take, care and enjoy that coffee cake for me!

  • Oh sweet Jesus. Just when I thought I was going to get through the day without eating fantastically processed sugar, you have to go and mention Zingers. I’m screwed.

  • I would totally give blowjobs for donuts too Dooce. Or give blowjobs to donuts. Whatever it was that you said, I remember vigorous nodding when reading it, but then I started thinking about donuts and lost my train of thought. What am I doing here again…

  • Elaine

    Just had to pipe in and say: I was born in 82, & I loved Crunch N Munch.


  • I am also 36 weeks pregnant and this past weekend I dragged my reluctant husband to the nearby Renaissance Faire. I wanted out of the house and I wanted to eat fine fried foods. I was not disappointed. Seriously, you need to try deep fried oreos. They were even sprinkled with extra powdered sugar. YUM.

  • MMMMMM… Zingers… Drrrrrooooollll….

    I’m 32 wks along with twins, and I crave powdered sugar raspberry filled Hostess donuts like they are going out of style. If the Wal-Mart here happens to be out of them when we go grocery shopping, I literally have to concentrate on not having a breakdown right there in the aisle.

    And that whole paragraph on hemorrhoid cream? Made me laugh so hard that I had to sprint up the stairs to pee. And it is no small feat for me to sprint anywhere these days.

  • Anonymous

    Tip I learned from my dad: keep the hemmoroid cream in the fridge.

    Just sayin.

  • Marianna

    I am 37 weeks pregnant with my 2nd girl and all i can think about is chocolate fudge MAGIC SHELL with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream…OH MY GOD IT IS THE BEST! When I am eating it I think I might want to be pregnant a little longer just so I can keep up my habit of eating it twice a day. Then I try to get off the couch and reconsider.

  • I guess I don’t understand why you took Armstrong in the first place. It’s a good last name and it’s, you know, YOURS.

  • Bugles are still around AND have several new flavors? God, those are so good. Umm, sorry about your southern region issue – I had no idea this was a side effect of pregnancy. I wish the men could just take this all on, but then again it is good leverage to get anything we want.

  • 7 months pregnant in NYC

    CRAP. I’d been so good managing my cravings today and now – BUGLES! TWINKIES! TASTY KAKE! I’m waiting for my second gestational diabetes test to come back and trying not to go eat a bag of cookies JUST IN CASE I’m diabetic. Horrible? Yes, but a few more hours of ignorance could be a whole lot of sugary bliss.

  • Lisa

    I’m pooped from your weekend….glad there is stuff to eat.

  • Dude, okay, so I’m 3 months pregnant and hello, junk food craving! Ruffles (THEY HAVE RIDGES!) with french onion dip, did you say? Well, let me just take off my pants because I think we need to get intimate. ALSO! Tomatoes. I’ve always loved tomatoes, but I want to eat them until my tastebuds are burned off from their delicious acid. What’s that about?

  • WTF. I am not either anonymous. Except that’s me, up there, with the RIDGES! and I didn’t change it because Amanda and Anonymous both start with A and apparently I’m challenged. So… Just to clarify. Amanda loves ridges.

  • Mari

    93. Rebecca said:
    I guess I don’t understand why you took Armstrong in the first place. It’s a good last name and it’s, you know, YOURS.

    I’ve wondered this myself. Why did you decide to change your name when you were married? Not trying to be snarky, just curious.

  • Ashley

    Born 1983…know what Crunch n Munch is…but here it goes…HATE IT! I am a nut hater! I know you all are going to think I’m crazy…but hate all nuts (except for pistacios and MAYBE some candied walnuts on a salad). Never been pregnant but wish I had the excuse to give oral sex to a doughnut!
    Luv ya dooce! Keep up the hillarious posts!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more