An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A rambling Sunday evening

Leta had a playdate yesterday afternoon, and in the hour leading up to our departure her head detached from her body and spun sixty feet into the air more than just a handful of times. It was as if we had injected pure adrenaline into her arm, and the speed with which words and sentences were shooting from her mouth reminded me of someone who is auctioning off a prized cow to a flurry of eager bidders. At one point Jon interrupted her verbal diarrhea to ask her to quantify her excitement: was she this excited, with her arms stretched wide? Or was she this excited, with her index finger and thumb an inch apart? She pointed to his thumb and forefinger and said that much, which means if she were ever to experience excitement comparable to the magnitude of space between her outstretched arms, they’d have to make a new model of the globe and put a giant hole where Utah used to be.

My instructions to her on the drive over were to behave and clean up after herself, and that should she throw a fit when it was time to come home I would be forced to dismember her Barbies and feed them to Coco. I didn’t want any crying or pouting when we came to pick her up, and when the time came she did remarkably well. She thanked the parents and waved goodbye, and the stability of the world remained intact until we got to the car. That’s when she started rattling off Things We Never Let Her Do, a rambling, incoherent monologue based on complete fantasy that serves no purpose other than to communicate her frustration: we never let her stay a long time, we never let her sleep over, we never let her play with all of the toys. And yes, it’s our fault, too, that play dates don’t last forever and Travis had to shoot Old Yeller.

We let her wallow in this monologue for several minutes if only to let her articulate her emotion, and then I changed the subject to what we needed to pick up at the grocery store. She immediately protested and announced she would be staying in the car while we ran inside and shopped. Right. Has she not ever seen an episode of Dateline? Even if there weren’t some psycho roaming the parking lot looking for kids left in cars, Murphy’s Law dictates that the car would somehow shift into gear and back up over an old lady in a wheelchair. Next thing you know our five-year-old is doing three-to-five for vehicular manslaughter. And something tells me Leta wouldn’t particularly like prison.

Plus, this wasn’t going to be some quick trip to the store, not when in the five years since I last had a baby they’ve started making more than one type of hemorrhoid treatment. Seriously. Come on. Who is asking for this choice? Because I do not want to have to spend a single second of my life deciding which treatment is the most effective one for my butt. You can just stop right there. How was your day? Oh, I don’t know, there was that one hour I spent agonizing over whether or not the instant cooling cream or the gel fortified with vitamin E and aloe would serve my butt better. THANK GOD MY BUTT HAS CHOICES! Because I have no idea how else I would have spent that hour.

Unfortunately none of us had eaten a full meal yesterday, just snacks and handfuls of breakfast cereal, and I don’t think there is a worse condition to find yourself in when confronted with aisles and aisles of pre-packaged food. Because oh my god I totally forgot about Hostess Zingers! Remember those things? Turns out you can buy them in packages of twelve! Also! Entenmann’s Coffee Cake! And Soft Batch Cookies! Did you know that Bugles now come in six different flavors? INCLUDING NACHO CHEESE? Why did no one tell me about this two trimesters ago?

And no, this isn’t product placement. None of these brands have paid me to mention them here, I AM OVER EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Women in my condition daydream about giving oral sex to powdered doughnuts, I cannot help it if someone says NABISCO and automatically I think about foreplay.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one mesmerized by the promise of artificial flavoring. While unpacking the bags at home I pulled out a giant box of Crunch ‘n Munch that I had not known was in our cart. Do what? Who snuck this box of Crunch ‘n Munch, JON? Apparently, “we” are all doing hard work to get this baby here, and “we” need to be rewarded from time to time. Isn’t that cute? How instead of admitting to a moment of weakness he tried to take credit for the baby? So cute, in fact, that for a moment I considered changing my last name back to Hamilton.

  • I’m not sure what to do first, vomit from all the hemorrhoid advice (because really, I am a visual person. Not getting that picture out of my head anytime soon) or run to the store and gorge myself on Little Debbie brownies with the chocolate frosting and sprinkles.

    Decisions, decisions.

  • Anonymous

    I recently had the pleasure of being the third party to a discussion of hemorrhoids betwen a recently pregant and currently pregnant friend. Apparently there is a prescription treatment that is worlds better that any over-the-counter product. I have not had the experience and have no further details, so do what you will with this information.

  • Anonymous

    Ok, I’m only 23…but Justice Fergie..WHAT’S PELVIC SEPARATION???? AAHHH!

  • “Verbal diarrhea”

    I almost spit out my coffee I laughed so hard.

  • I’m sorry, I’ve been completely de-railed by comment #27 who uses cold packs for “incest bites.” THAT has me laughing hysterically.
    Oh yeah, this chick right here downed a bag of Hostess chocolate glazed doughnut gems in 15 minutes at 34 weeks of pregnancy. Zingers? I’ll eat a pack by myself pregnant or not! Those things are awesome!
    Come on, Darling. Let’s see a picture of you stuffing your face with snack cakes. THAT we can relate to 🙂

  • Almost slipped in amongst the first 100

    When I had the munchies the other day my husband said he had bought snacks, so I searched the pantry and found two tubes of Lay’s imitation-Pringle chips (an adequate supply for three minutes in this family of seven) and one tiny box of Crunch ‘n’ Munch, not even a realistic single-serving size. I considered it noble in the extreme that I saved a small handful for him.

    My Captcha is “protrude afternoon” which I think describes your stomach at this time — also morning and night. Also it describes my stomach if I had had a more sufficient supply of Crunch ‘n’ Munch.

  • Danielle

    Comment #27:

    Methinks you meant “skeeter” and “insect”. Oops.

  • Forget about product placement. The real money is bottling up child energy and selling it to exhausted professionals. I guarantee that will somehow come to fruition… Until then, it’s Coke Zero for me.

  • Seren

    Emm, I was born before 1965 and I have no idea what crunch and munch is. But then, I’m from the UK and we don’t have such things. (So, what is it? tell me!!)

  • I’ve only used hemerroid meds for one reason: scars. After surgery (I’ve had several) if you apply it to where they sewed ya up not only does it reduce the inflamation but it also helps minimize scarring.

    I got that tip from my former MIL who had, by the time she was 45, at least 3 different cosmetic surgery procedures done to her face.

    #57. Sassysuds? No shit. My almost-13-year-old is such a spaz sometimes when she gets in the car after school she’ll go on and on and on about teenie bopper drama until myself or my younger daughter will say, “Can we have a moment of silence, please?”

  • Hollie

    Glad you opened comments today. Watched your Momversation and I don’t know what has changed in your face – but you are so adorable! You’ve gone from having a normal, very pretty face to being such a cutie! : ) I hope pregnancy looks as good on me as it does on you.

    ’78 – Crunch n Munch’n right now. Although grew up on Cracker Jacks. Will furiously eat anything with popcorn.

  • robinv

    mmmmm… cheetos and m&ms. chocolate cake and potato chips…. guiness and a dark chocolate bar….mmmmmmm

  • One I wanted to say that I broke my big toe on my right foot yesterday and I thought of you and your fancy little boot. I was not so privileged as I got gauze, tape and a pat on the back.

    two your comment on foreplay and doughnuts made me about fall out of my chair. you seriously crack me up!

  • Just when we think men really don’t understand us, they just really don’t get us, they do something like buy Crunch n Munch and then claim it was really for us. This is why I don’t buy the, “I don’t get women” argument because they really know darn well they can get us to do about anything for chocolate and a massage.

  • Anonymous

    I was born in 1983 and I freaking love Crunch N Munch!!

  • RzDrms

    Wait… Travis had to shoot Old Yeller?!?!

  • Jen

    Ah, Heather, I can feel your 8-month agony rippling from this post. You’re almost there, don’t give up! I am on Week 8 with TWINS, and see the next 7 months stretching before me like a sweaty-hormone-ridden-weight-gaining torture fest. I think I will now go pass out before the nausea starts again.

  • Lynn

    Bugles? I remember them from the 70’s and then they disappeared for awhile. In 1985 I was in Jamaica on vacation – far from the touristy spots – and went into a “grocery store” and lo and behold what do I see but Bugles! But I was afraid to eat them…what if they had actually washed ashore? Yuck! But the Red Stripe destroyed any bacteria…Enjoy fining the perfect snack!

  • LauraS

    What exactly is an INCEST bite?

  • Thinky

    You know, Heather…those hollow Bugles (we pronounce them – Bug- Lee’s) are the perfect delivery vehicle for Squeeze Cheese. **FoodGasm**

  • 1973 here… and your mere mention of Crunch ‘n Munch made me consider getting pregnant just so I’d have a good excuse to eat an entire box.

    Or I could just pull a Jon and pretend to take credit for the baby you already got going.

  • GregariousKat

    Yes, my husband was going to lose the baby weight he gained, when I breastfed. Didn’t work out so well!!

  • Oh yeah . . . NEVER go to the grocery store hungry. Or in a hurry. My kids have been known to sneak all kinds of things into the basket!

  • I love food now, I can’t even imagine how it will be when I’m pregnant.

  • Emily

    I know what crunch n’ munch is only because I worked in a rest home 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Only providing correction because I love them – Zingers are not made by Hostess but by Dolly Madison and only the yellow ones should be eaten the chocolate ones are not that special. The yellow one are definitely worth the calories though!

  • okay, first of all, I have three kids three and under, and i am completely alone with them all the time and veyr often they get left in the car while I run in to return books at the library or whatever. I’m pretty convinced I’ll be turned into the police at some point, but I haven’t figured out how I can possibly bring all three into the post office when I have to pick up a package, and actually manage to carry the package out. I promise to bring them in once they can all walk or if I grow another set of arms. Until then a cracked window will just have to suffice. It’s not like they’re in there while I do my drinking or anything. Secondly, while I would prefer not to discuss my or anyone else’s ass online, I too suffered from hemorrhoids while pregnant, and after being pregnant, and then while pregnant again (i’ve spent alot of time being pregnant the last three years) and after my last baby was born I decided i wanted to fix them once and for all. i found this stuff called clearMed ( that healed everything up in like a week. It is all herbal, so I don’t know if you can take it while pregnant, but I recommend getting a bottle for after you deliver. Good luck with everything, I love reading your blog. And I sure hope that mentioning intimate anal issues doesn’t lump me in the crazy commentor category!

  • Too funny! Ironic, I am 7 months pregnant and bought some damn Crunch ‘n Munch at the store today too. First time in like 22 years. What gives?

  • Oh dear, how do I follow that comment. Anyway, being pregs has totally brought me back to my old cereals (Life!), and interestingly I found my husband hoarding a box of Kix. (We were born in the early 80s.)

    I love desserts. I love cereal. Being pregnant, I probably love soylent green (if it’s sweet and comes in a colorful box).

  • You are so much better at the threats than I am. All I offer is the possibility of no more playdates. Doll dismemberment and canine consumption is so much more glamorous!

    And in my 3rd trimester, I was all about that fresh bakery sourdough at the grocery store. Mmmmmm……

  • Conversations in the car are the best. I need to find some way to record them, since writing things down while driving rarely works out well.

  • Robyn

    Even for you, that was a funny, funny post, especially the image of Leta backing over granny…oh, and I love your bedroom.

  • Bria

    Nikki (129.)…your soylent green comment made me laugh so hard that I almost went into labor (oh how I wish). Thanks 🙂

  • Ellen

    Thinky–you are so singing my song. Spray a little cheese into the bugle opening and oh baby!

    For me it was and still is cold cereal. Bowl after magnificent bowl of Cap’n Crunchberries.

  • Helen Tarnation

    #127 lonek8-Doing that in TX will get your children taken away from you. I left a 7 and 9-year old in a locked car parked at the curb to use an ATM to hit Baskin Robbins before they closed and 3 minutes later had a cop to answer to when I came out. That was in 1998. According to him, the only thing that saved me, with only a lecture, was their age.

    Am I the only one who didn’t crave sweet bakery goods? I craved gyros, peel-and-eat shrimp and sweet iced tea…constantly!

  • aj

    Mmmm Crunch ‘n Munch lover right here–and I’m an 85er.

    By the way, your bedroom ROCKS. I want one.

  • Thanks a lot, y’all. I had to go out to the post office, and damn it all if I didn’t make a little side trip to the 7-11 next door to the P.O. for a “3.5-serving” size carton of Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche. Of which I am quickly approaching the bottom. It’s like I was hypnotized by this comments thread. I say again: THANKS.

  • Nicole

    32 weeks pregnant and I literally can not turn down a doughnut. Soft batch? Those are the best, I will eat the entire box. Cheers to donuts and any other breakfast bake good.

    Thanks for all the awesome posts.

  • “Women in my condition daydream about giving oral sex to powdered doughnuts” – I havent been pregnant for 20 years and I’m still daydreaming about powdered doughnuts…..

  • Probably because I’m British, I haven’t heard of ANY of those foods (admittedly, I was born in 1988); I’m so intrigued.

  • Anonymous

    Great read. Just what I needed during my afternoon snack break before looking at 2 more hours of spreadsheets. Oh, and I love DWELL products so I’m instantly drawn to your bedroom. Jon has such great photography, too. Damn… I may have hit my compliment quota.

  • There are caramel covered Bugles, which are delicious and amazing and next to impossible to find, but soooooooo worth it. Just amazing. Salty and sweet and perfect for putting on your fingers and terrifying little brothers.

    Not that I ever did that.

  • we just tell people we switched her milk to red bull. sometimes i think they believe us. she wakes up with more energy than i can collectively muster in a week.

    and my husband had an episode with lucky charms while i was pregnant that he has yet to get over.

    i poop so much i never knew i was having hemmeroids. i just thought the pain was a by-product of a very effective colon system.

    and now all of you reading this know more about my bowels than my husband.

  • I have already commented today but I felt compelled to let you know that the frozen frame of your face on the Momversation box to the right is proof that you were indeed present when Leta was conceived.

  • Brianne

    Ohmygod I LOOOOOVED Zingers! And they made Nacho Cheese Bugles 20 years ago when I was a kid! 🙂 They are the BEST. I hadn’t seen them in, literally, years, and one day at work I saw them in the vending machine, and stopped mid-someone-else’s-story announcing that I had to run up to my desk to get change so I could buy those Bugles and stuff them in my face. Ahhh such bliss.

  • Anonymous

    I did not read all the comments so maybe someone has mentioned this. Preparation H is THE MOST SHOPLIFTED ITEM in the drugstore. If your hospital has the old fashioned porcelain sitz baths – use them while you are there. Or get your remodeler to install one in your bathroom – very good for the nether regions.(not to be compared to the wimpy plastic tubs with a tube that you attach to your sink, they charge you $45.67 and they are worthless, throw them back and have them take it off your hospital bill). Another thing that works – make ice suppositories (with judicious dynamic shaping after they are frozen using hot water, if you know what I mean, no pointy parts) in your freezer, and use them – sounds wierd I know but that, TUCKS, bran cereal and Metamucil can save your life after delivery. It will help you get off the inflatable doughnut faster.
    I never thought there would be a time in my life when I obsessed over my own and another persons bowels on a daily basis, but having children teaches you SO MUCH.
    Mother to 4 – the last being 11 lbs, 5 oz. I know whereof I speak

  • What is it about processed brain-cell-killing food that appeals to us in pregnancy? A Wendy’s Frosty, McDonald’s Egg McMuffin, and Chef Boyardee Ravioli (red dye number whatever) – were all like crack to me.

    Good luck with your butt. No fun.

  • Melissa

    When I was seven months pregnant, I ate an entire pan of BBQ ribs straight out of the oven. My husband placed it on the table and I just scooted it over and ate for like an hour. It’s a wonder my ass can fit through doorways.

  • Tricia

    @Amanda (97-98) – I also couldn’t get enough of fresh tomatoes while I was pregnant. I added them to everything, all the time. So you’re not the only one… I remember proudly telling people that fresh tomatoes were my only craving, thinking I would somehow come out of the pregnancy ten pounds lighter than I had been. Ha! Didn’t happen.

  • Mike Jones

    I know you probably don’t need to hear this but it’s diarrhoea not diarrhea, and yes I know you don’t care, you’re very very pegnannt and therefore allowed to msisspell whatever the f*%k you like. But I am and have always been a grammar/spelling nazi and tonight I have been drinking heavily. So just to let you know despite your spelling mistakes and general ‘merkinisms I think you have the best damn mommy blog on the ‘net and if I ever have kids I just hope I can be as goddamn cool as you and Jon are.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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