An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

xoxo

Posting for the next couple of days is going to be light as we attend several engagements around my Granny Boone’s funeral. All nine of her children have gathered from different corners of the country, including many of their own children, so there are like thousands and thousands of Boones running around telling fart jokes, comparing cleavage, and blaming Granny for all of their passive-aggressive tendencies, like oh my god Uncle Timmy YOU DID NOT JUST BRING UP THAT APPLE PIE STORY AGAIN. I’m not going to repeat that story here except to say that we have heard it a kadrillion times, and the point of it is that life is unfair and GRANNY MADE IT SO. Except I’m guessing that growing up poor in Kentucky, working three jobs, raising ten kids (one who died in infancy) and having to boil water every morning on the stove to take a bath… that may explain why she overreacted when he stole a piece of pie.

I love this family, no question, but if a psychiatrist got us all into one room he’d have to wear a helmet and wield a gun.

I spent several hours with them yesterday, and I have so much to say and can’t wait to get around to writing it. But right now I want to thank you, you who come here and read what I write. It is because of you that I was able to help fly out many of the cousins and grandchildren who would otherwise be unable to attend this funeral. And I don’t know how to tell you just how much it means to me and this family. That because of you and you and you, you in Vancouver, and you in Pittsburgh, and you in Edina, Minnesota, because you come here and share the ups and downs of this totally Wackadoo Family, several grandchildren get to come and say goodbye to their Granny. And the magnitude and meaning of that really blows my mind.

Thank you. I don’t say it nearly enough. Thank you so much.

In the meantime, here’s a chuckle:

  • foundinidaho

    Thoughts and prayers with you all. Thanks for being fun to read.

  • claire

    No Heather, Thank you!!!
    Enjoy this time with your family and honoring your grandmother’s life.

  • I’m glad your family was able to get together for the funeral. I’m sorry for your loss. It is fun telling the stories again, even if you have heard them a million times.

  • Liz

    I’m so sorry about Granny Boone. I am glad that I was introduced to you through a dear friend. Your blog has kept me sane through a lot of problems in my life. Thank you for that. Keep writing and don’t let the haters get to you.

  • kasia wska

    thank YOU!
    i come here all the way from warsaw, poland, eastern europe:)

  • She is beautiful. I’m truly sorry for your loss. I lost both of my grandparents last year and the family coming together for a week (when my grandpa passed) was the greatest thing ever.

  • Rita

    I am so sorry for your loss.
    I’m glad that you have the love and support of your family and readers alike.
    But my gosh, those dimples!!

  • I know you don’t mean ME me, Heather, but you’re welcome. I’m so glad everyone was able to be together to wish Granny Boone off on her trip to a land with no work and endless hot water.

  • Mary

    It will be a time full of smiles and sorrows. Try and take in the fellowship of your family. Love them or not (we all have one of those uncles) you’re bonded in a way to them that cannot be matched. Hugs to you too..

  • Anonymous

    XOXOXOXO!!!

  • i agree with #45! love reading u & ur REALNESS every day! sorry 4 ur family’s loss!

  • Michelle

    Glad we could help, and allow you to gather everyone together. It is unfortunate that the only time families really come together are for the “marryings and buryings” as my grandma used to say.

    Take your time and enjoy your family. I know when my grandma died that was the last time I saw most of my cousins, we just don’t have the excuse to get together any more.

  • Just wanted to extend a hug and a sympathetic “I get it”. My grandma died in Spring of 2008 and it was… just… unreal.

  • Amy

    I think it’s insane that the ridiculous entertainment that is dooce.com is free….I’ve been reading your blog for geez, six, seven years, and I’d gladly pay for the pleasure. It is simply karma that you get paid for sharing.

    Hope the Boones are all getting through this difficult time, and so glad the horde could assemble.

  • Your welcome – YAY VANCOUVER

  • I am so glad that this site enabled you to fly out your relatives. That is money well spent!

  • Katie Rojo

    This is random, but I clicked on the video before pausing iTunes. It was pretty awesome to hear baby laughter on top of Gotan Project.

  • sam

    hem, hem… i propose a toast:
    to community (real or virtual)!

    cheers.

  • Jennifer

    NO Heather, THANK YOU! Cruel anonymous trolls and haters be damned! You have always been authentic to your true self and never compromised who you are as a human. You speak out when its uncomfortable and heavily opposed, and it matters. You will never know how your depression posts helped me when I was cowering in the darkness and so ashamed. I am sorry to put this here, but I want you to see it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • I am so sorry for your loss. It’s wonderful that so many people are coming from all over the country. It sounds like she was a lovely and loved woman.

    Isn’t the sound of a baby laughing magical!? Thanks for the video. It made me smile.

  • *goes on massive ad-clicking spree* love reading your stuff, keep writing!!!

  • Thank you, for your “things that annoy me” lists and tales of unemployment–they are as uplifting as they are hilarious.

  • Lesley

    And little do grannies know it’s those stories of their crazy moments that glue us all together when it counts. I’m so glad you got to have your family together. Thoughts and prayers coming from Colorado.
    Marlo’s squeaky-toy laugh is just adorable.

  • Awww, LOVE the serious face in between bouts of giggles. Glad all the family could be there, and I hope you’re doing okay.

  • Quiltingdaisy

    I hope our love feels like a Big Warm Hug.

  • I’m so sorry to hear about Granny Boone. It sounds like your family is doing a great job celebrating her life.

  • Wendy

    I adore your website and have been an avid reader for years. Your down to earth take on motherhood keeps me grounded and not feeling like a failure on the many nights that super mom did not make an appearance. We all do the very best we can…and that just has to be enough.

    My condolences on your loss of Granny Boone. She sounds like a fun lady to have known. I hope you and your family can all draw strength and laughter from each other.

    Be gentle with yourself…

    [wendy padding off to go click ads]

  • K

    Hugs to you, my family is relatively the same way…LOL
    My 15 months daughter loved watching Marlo chuckle. 🙂

  • K

    Hugs to you, my family is relatively the same way…LOL
    My 15 month old daughter loved watching Marlo chuckle. 🙂

  • I absolutely adore this website, and you, and it’s posts like this that make me feel good about wasting the day away reading blogs and getting a numb arse 🙂 Glad to help!

  • I am so glad I found your blog and your book(s)! and in a small way can be a part of your success. Sorry to hear about this loss, she sounds like a stand-up woman. Best to your family.

  • Beth

    Look at those dimples AND those fingers…precious girl!

  • Carrie

    So sorry for your loss. 🙁

    You’re the best! You make me laugh my butt off every day. I’m amazed at how courageous you are sharing what you share with us. Love the fam too!!

    Much love in Edina, MN. I’m sure you meant me! 😉

  • Barstool Babe

    Isn’t it amazing how much laughter can be heard at funerals! That has to be the best expression of a life well lived.

  • How did you know I was in Edina? (OK, not quite, but CLOSE.) 🙂

    I’m very sorry for your loss, Heather.

    I also wanted to say THANK YOU for giving me a nice little escape during the week. I thoroughly enjoy each and every single post of yours. Even the ones involving farts and mucus plugs.

  • Carli

    I’m sorry about your Granny, but happy that you and your family have this chance to get together and celebrate her life/each other.

  • I am echoing what like 50 people have already said… sorry for the echo, but I think this is important.

    You are welcome!! And, thank YOU! My thoughts (and it sounds like many others) are with you as you grieve your granny. 🙂

  • So sorry to hear about your granny. My grandmother was a hardworking, incredibly strong woman from Eastern Kentucky who raised nine children as well and getting us all together is unbelievable, wonderful madness. I’m glad that you are able to come together to celebrate such a fine lady as Granny Boone (Any relation to Daniel Boone??)

  • I happen to know they do have internet in heaven, and some very impressive webcams. My own grandmother tells me so. I hope you can find comfort in knowing your family has its very own guardian angel now. God bless you and our indomitable grandmothers.

  • Thinking of you and your family….

  • I love how pensive she looks at the end of that video. Priceless.

  • –>It’s a shame you’re flying your family out for a funeral vs. Marlo’s birth or a wedding but having everyone around will be a great way to celebrate Granny’s life and not her passing.

    http://www.websavymom.com

  • Jen

    You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing so much for us. My best to you and your wackadoo family. (Mine can be a bit wackadoo as well… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.)

  • Having been born in eastern Kentucky, with some family still there, I understand the need of some for a little help, and how kind of you take care of yours. Your family is lucky to have you, and those grandchildren will forever remember Cousin Heather for her kindness.

    Marlo is adorable and is looking so much like Leta.

    Peace to you as you celebrate your Granny’s life…

  • Jamie

    That is so freakin awesome you’re doing that for your family. I get so much out of reading all the things you share of your life, I am so pleased that it’s benefiting your family, especially in this instance.

  • Annie

    Europe loves you too, guys! mwah!
    ps. these are some killer captchas you have down here dude! I almost started doubting being a human myself =P

  • My sympathies to you and your family.

    Marlo has the longest fingers–She’s gorgeous!

  • Caitlin

    It’s about TIME us non-haters got a thank you! I was wondering if you even remembered not all of your readers live to send you vile spew! So glad your family got to say their goodbyes in person; remind me of my grandpa’s funeral which was more a celebration of life than anything else, as cheesy as that sounds.

    Best!

  • i hope you have a good time with your family as you celebrate your grandmother’s life. happy memories and shared emotions are so healing.

  • Geneva

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

    Remember, England loves you, too!

    And that video has just made me very broody.

    Much <3

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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