Heater, Mother of Lance

Every little thing is gonna be all right

Some of you may have noticed several weird things going on with this website — some code errors here, things not working over there, that not-so-accidental picture of my dog in maternity underwear over in that corner — and there is a very solid reason as to why all of this is happening, and it’s not that I’m trying to screw with you. Although one paranoid and probably schizophrenic reader thought this was exactly what was going on, said that I had hacked into her computer and changed her desktop wallpaper to a picture of a decapitated moose. You have no idea how badly I wish I had that superpower.

Jon has been working tirelessly the last couple of months on a huge new portion of this website that is scheduled to launch at the beginning of next month, and this project includes upgrading the infrastructure in such a way that one or two things may have gotten wedged up the butt of a server. He is grateful for your patience, and I should probably tell you how cute he is when he is stressed out as much as he is these days, because in order to deal with things going haywire he grabs at his own hair, much like a three-year-old who is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t know any other way to demonstrate his frustration.

I used to call it Movable Type Hair back when that was the content management system we used to run this site. Now that we’re using Drupal I guess I could call it Drupal Hair, but that sounds like something contagious or deadly. These days I usually don’t call it anything, I just ask him if he’s looked in the mirror lately, and when he asks me why I say, oh, I don’t know, maybe because the animal sitting on top of his head looks like it may be dying, and should we intervene?

So we’ve got that exciting launch to look forward to, and in the meantime I’ve got a boatload of deadlines causing me to do what every writer does best: procrastinate! I really hope my book editor is not reading this (hi, Patrick!) because he’d be thinking, wait a minute, why is she working on that when she should be working on that other thing? First of all, PATRICK, shouldn’t YOU be working instead of READING THIS? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

There is no second of all now that I think about it.

Except maybe to say that the other reason I brought all this up is because I deliberately took a break on Saturday knowing what the next two weeks were going to be like, walked away from my computer and spent a few hours on the kitchen floor trying to beat my five-year-old at several different card games. While listening to Bob Marley. And Leta is just sitting there, her legs folded over one another, her wild hair hanging partially over her face, and she is totally kicking my ass.

And I remembered that one time many years ago when Jon and I got stoned on some very bad weed, and oops, I just forgot that my Dad reads this website. Dad, I promise that was the last time we ever did that sort of thing, and not just because that stuff makes me so paranoid that I sat there for two hours thinking the FBI was about to send helicopters and surround my apartment building with a heavily armed swat team.

Oh wait a minute. That trip to Amsterdam. But that was legal.

Anyway, I remember sitting there trying not to freak out, focusing every molecule in my body on the task of NOT FREAKING OUT, and I may have said something out loud about how I wanted our children to understand the magic of Bob Marley. And since Jon was totally relaxed and experiencing what normal people experience when using such substances, he started laughing uncontrollably, because how ridiculous is it that I would say that while smoking pot? Bob Marley? Really, Heather? I mean, that right there is the script of a play featuring a Mormon smoking weed for the first time and trying to make it seem like she has any idea what she is doing.

So Leta looks up at me through a few loose tendrils of her hair, draws a winning card from the pile, and says, “Mom, I love this music.” And I don’t know, it was just one of those moments when I was like, I cannot wait to tell the Internet about this.

  • Barbara E.

    2009/10/19 at 3:18 pm

    I offer my apologies in advance. Really. I’m sorry, but FIRST!!! (Yeah, probably 3rd or 8th and looking like a fool, but never have I read a post with “0 comments”. Also, those people who write the hate stuff to you…they scare the shit out of me.

  • Dala

    2009/10/19 at 3:19 pm

    Bob Marley + cards with the kids = priceless.

    Although Bob Marly and weed may go together better. 🙂

  • Kim

    2009/10/19 at 3:19 pm

    Damn, I was going to be obnoxious and write FIRST! but someone beat me to it, so now I have to make a witty comment instead. All I could think of when I read “Drupal Hair” was RuPaul hair. Which would also be pretty hilarious.

  • Becky

    2009/10/19 at 3:20 pm

    You’re working on another book?!? Looking forward to it–and the changes to the site.

  • admin

    2009/10/19 at 3:20 pm

    Testing. Please. Ignore. 🙂

  • Rachel

    2009/10/19 at 3:21 pm

    Funny story, I had a baby the day after Marlo was born (and you and I also share a birthday!) and I constantly sing that song to him. Never did I think Bob Marley would get me through rough spots of life. So sorry you’ve had more than your fair share of rough spots lately.

  • Julie

    2009/10/19 at 3:22 pm

    Can’t wait to see what the new feature is!!

  • Shelley

    2009/10/19 at 3:23 pm

    Drupal hair does sound positively dire!

  • Sue

    2009/10/19 at 3:23 pm

    Arg. I was going to say “first”, but….

    Anywho-please post a picture of “Drupal Hair”. I think my husband may have that and I need a picture to compare.

    Love Chuck in your underwear (a phrase I never anticipated typing)! Glad the peeps weren’t the cause of your website hiccups; as a minion, I would hate to have you order me to attack (insert zombie stare here). Looking forward to whatever it is that Jon is preparing for.

    And my security words are “his pessoa”. Is that what happens with Drupal Hair?

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/19 at 3:23 pm

    i like the wall of leaves for your mom before the Bob Marley stint because you know, every little thing is going to be alright.

    Oh and I don’t care if I am not first because normally I am so 397!

    Love the fall, love the dooce & fam and love the stories!

  • LaurieAnne

    2009/10/19 at 3:25 pm

    My boss does the same thing with his hair. I know to avoid asking tough questions when his hair is nest-like. And co-workers just take one look at him before declaring that budget season has begun 🙂

  • Barbara E.

    2009/10/19 at 3:30 pm

    Holy heck! I really was first! I want to thank my mother and my father and dooce and,of course, god. & Sue & Kim — I really love you girls and was totally rooting for you! You’ll be 1st one day. Just not today. Also, I left off a closing parenthesis. And I said shit. Not a stunning debut. *grabs tiara and exits hastily to strains of bob marley*

  • Melissa S

    2009/10/19 at 3:32 pm

    Bob Marley is the man…

  • Jennifer

    2009/10/19 at 3:32 pm

    My daughters understood the magic of Bob Marley when they were very young too. It seemed like I just noticed one day they were both singing along as if they had heard the stuff for a hundred years. Kids get magical stuff.

    (And I didn’t even prophetize that WAY WAY WAY BACK WHEN on either good or bad weed.)

  • Agi

    2009/10/19 at 3:32 pm

    Oy, the dead animal in the nest on top of Jon’s head made me LMAO (which I recently learnt means LAUGH MY ASS OFF).
    I love your kiddies. I want to get myself one, too.
    Can’t wait to see the new bettered site!

  • Jennifer Lynn

    2009/10/19 at 3:32 pm

    My SO pulls out his eyelashes when dealing with code/GIS. He comes home and I’m like, dude, what happen to your eye? It’s bald…just like your head, now!

  • Kristen from MA

    2009/10/19 at 3:33 pm

    {{{Avon World Sales Leader}}}

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/19 at 3:34 pm

    sweet! and at least your husband has hair :-D…. they do go bald, haha!

  • Doni

    2009/10/19 at 3:35 pm

    OMG, I cannot wait for the hate mail to come out of this post!

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/19 at 3:36 pm

    I bought my sister a onsey for my niece Alyce, that says “B is for Bob” with a big picture of Bob Marley. Alyce looked so cute and is being raised on Bob’s music!

  • Labradoris

    2009/10/19 at 3:37 pm

    Procrastination is the best. It’s what I’m currently doing. =)

  • Mely

    2009/10/19 at 3:38 pm

    Hilarious….looking forward to your new book!!!…got to say that I love Bob Marley…and PLEASE post a picture of the crazy hair ;o)

  • Kristan

    2009/10/19 at 3:39 pm

    Crap, now how am I supposed to enjoy my trip to Ireland? All I can think about is, WHAT NEW SECTION IS DOOCE LAUNCHING?!?!?!

    You ruined my vacation before it even started. I’m totally suing. I’m gonna get you, Heather. And your little dogs too!

  • Sara

    2009/10/19 at 3:41 pm

    Isn’t that the way that hair is supposed to look nowadays? My son just gives me a “mom… seriously?” look if I grab the comb. And he’s only 8.

  • Amanda

    2009/10/19 at 3:41 pm

    Funny. But now that song is etched in my brain, playing over and over. Thank you SO much! UNFOLLOW!

  • Mari

    2009/10/19 at 3:43 pm

    Don’ worry about a ting!

  • Poppy

    2009/10/19 at 3:44 pm

    haha it’s been awhile since i’ve been here, I like the current banner!

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/19 at 3:47 pm

    Holy crap. I have never commented anywhere in the first 25 spots. Usually I am buried around 287 or something. Yes, this is all about me.

    Soooo, tell me what’s the new stuff?? C’mon, just whisper, I won’t tell anyone.

  • Jessica

    2009/10/19 at 3:50 pm

    I’m totally gonna have to smoke a bowl right now, in honor of this post.

  • JessicaRabbit

    2009/10/19 at 3:52 pm

    When I was pregnant with my youngest I used to listen to my favorite band, Tool, all the time. Now he is 17 and LOVES them as well and we got to go to a Tool concert together and it was like a religious experience.

    It makes all the smelly teenage boy socks he leaves all over the place totally worth it.

  • Heather

    2009/10/19 at 3:52 pm

    Great…song stuck in head for the rest of the day. 😉

  • Jamie

    2009/10/19 at 3:55 pm

    I love those gems with children, where you make a mental note to tell EVERYONE.

  • Jenny

    2009/10/19 at 3:56 pm

    That’s awesome, bc I remember that story. I’m looking forward to the big mysterious launch!

  • Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    2009/10/19 at 3:59 pm

    If it’s any help, the code errors I received were only on the home page and by Friday they seem to have magically cleared up.

    That said, I have a relative whose kid knows Bob Marley like the back of her hand. It rocks.

  • Jenn

    2009/10/19 at 4:00 pm

    3 Little Birds. That song gets me through 5 o’clock traffic every single weekday!

  • Heather

    2009/10/19 at 4:00 pm

    Okay, at the risk of sounding completely cornball, that post made me all misty-eyed. (And not from pot smoke.) I can’t wait until the day I can teach my daughter, now ten weeks old, about my love of music. Maybe one day she’ll say, “Mom, I love this music” to me too.

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/19 at 4:01 pm

    PLEASE!! STOP!! FEEDING THE HATE PART of the website!! It seriously sucks the life out of me to read…oh yeah, I guess I could STOP reading it but it is SO HARD not to.

    Ok – I can’t wait until next month!

  • Kim C.

    2009/10/19 at 4:02 pm

    Drupal Hair! HA! I love it! Can’t wait for the launch.

    However, I haven’t been able to view your site using Google Chrome (I’m using Firefox now to view)….is that my issue?

    I’ve missed you this weekend and thought maybe you banned me even though you don’t really know me. I thought maybe I have laughed too loud or at the wrong moment and you heard me and thought “I’ll show her!”

    Apparently, I’m not alone in this thinking as you referenced it in the beginning of your article. Whew. So it wasn’t me, it was you. I feel better already. 🙂

  • miriam

    2009/10/19 at 4:03 pm

    just read the hate section. i’m so sorry people say that stuff to you, about you. and i’m glad you’re doing something to turn it around. no matter who you are, no one should have those things said about them.

  • Nicole

    2009/10/19 at 4:04 pm

    Don’t you love it that you can play card games with your kid? My daughter has gotten into them over the past few months, and it is so much fun now to play Uno and crazy 8’s and Go Fish for an hour. Enjoy!

  • CreatureofHabit

    2009/10/19 at 4:05 pm

    Too funny…. my husband will be happy to know he’s not the only person who has a complete freak-out-paranoia attack when he gets stoned (forcing his wife to call 911 because she thinks he really IS having a heart attack….and then watch as the firemen tell her husband to chill the fuck out and enjoy the buzz. Sigh). It’s NO FUN to be stoned with him.

  • hoskas

    2009/10/19 at 4:10 pm

    Sometimes, I kinda miss being stoned.

  • Serial

    2009/10/19 at 4:13 pm

    Awww, mommy’s little pot-head to be!

    Just don’t play the same game with the sex pistols.

  • Cyn

    2009/10/19 at 4:16 pm

    Firstly, Bob Marley is total magic. Always and forever.
    But you know how when something beautiful happens in your life, if there is music playing– you think its the most wonderful music you’ve ever heard?
    I think Leta LOVED playing cards with you on the floor. THAT is what she loved, and Bob Marley happened to be on. That kid is crazy about you, you know.

  • Belle

    2009/10/19 at 4:17 pm

    What a little hippie in training!!
    I’m totally with you on the paranoia, not that I’ve ever smoked such an illegal substance, but if I had because my sister made me when I had a headache, I may or may not have cried for 2 hours about how I just wanted to be normal again and that time felt like eternity and that sucks.

  • Elina

    2009/10/19 at 4:28 pm

    I think its a good sign for our future (as human beings) that our kids instinctually enjoy the sound of happiness and love. <3

  • Emily

    2009/10/19 at 4:29 pm

    Glad to hear you are working out the kinks on the site. There was a space of almost 2 weeks a little while back that there were no updates posted (not sure if that was server issues or maybe you were just busy with life) and then one day there was no web page at all- just a bunch of wierd letters on a white screen- and I thought: Oh no, I hope you are not closing up shop! Whew!

  • mynext50.blogspot.com

    2009/10/19 at 4:32 pm

    Ahh, the oh so very, very, very distant memories. Isn’t it great when all of the stars are aligned and you get a moment like that. As opposed to this moment.

    I am showing a potential client the possibilities of videos and social networking and made the fatal error of using my 14 year old’s facebook page as an example. My son has numerous skateboard videos on his sight, I thought this will be good, I’ve got the flip camera in my hand showing how easy it is to use and then I’ll show the video on his page. I never got to the video. I look up at my client, who now has the, “how embarrassing for you face on” and then back to the computer. My son had just posted the night before, here is what it said, “I am outta here as soon as I can”.

    Oh yeah, my bad, now instead of just yelling “I hate you” like the good old days, they put it up on the internet for the world to see.

  • victoria

    2009/10/19 at 4:34 pm

    I thought your pup was wearing a tank top. I have to admit I was admiring your hardwood. I’m having a good time catching up and reading how miserable you were back in the day. It really really helps me to feel better. Thank you.

  • Lauren

    2009/10/19 at 4:34 pm

    You should take a vacation to one of those tropical/cheezy places that has scrappy children on the beach offering to braid hair and let Leta really show her Marley love. Also, you should take a vacation. PERIOD.

1 2 3 5

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more