Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Every little thing is gonna be all right

Some of you may have noticed several weird things going on with this website — some code errors here, things not working over there, that not-so-accidental picture of my dog in maternity underwear over in that corner — and there is a very solid reason as to why all of this is happening, and it’s not that I’m trying to screw with you. Although one paranoid and probably schizophrenic reader thought this was exactly what was going on, said that I had hacked into her computer and changed her desktop wallpaper to a picture of a decapitated moose. You have no idea how badly I wish I had that superpower.

Jon has been working tirelessly the last couple of months on a huge new portion of this website that is scheduled to launch at the beginning of next month, and this project includes upgrading the infrastructure in such a way that one or two things may have gotten wedged up the butt of a server. He is grateful for your patience, and I should probably tell you how cute he is when he is stressed out as much as he is these days, because in order to deal with things going haywire he grabs at his own hair, much like a three-year-old who is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t know any other way to demonstrate his frustration.

I used to call it Movable Type Hair back when that was the content management system we used to run this site. Now that we’re using Drupal I guess I could call it Drupal Hair, but that sounds like something contagious or deadly. These days I usually don’t call it anything, I just ask him if he’s looked in the mirror lately, and when he asks me why I say, oh, I don’t know, maybe because the animal sitting on top of his head looks like it may be dying, and should we intervene?

So we’ve got that exciting launch to look forward to, and in the meantime I’ve got a boatload of deadlines causing me to do what every writer does best: procrastinate! I really hope my book editor is not reading this (hi, Patrick!) because he’d be thinking, wait a minute, why is she working on that when she should be working on that other thing? First of all, PATRICK, shouldn’t YOU be working instead of READING THIS? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

There is no second of all now that I think about it.

Except maybe to say that the other reason I brought all this up is because I deliberately took a break on Saturday knowing what the next two weeks were going to be like, walked away from my computer and spent a few hours on the kitchen floor trying to beat my five-year-old at several different card games. While listening to Bob Marley. And Leta is just sitting there, her legs folded over one another, her wild hair hanging partially over her face, and she is totally kicking my ass.

And I remembered that one time many years ago when Jon and I got stoned on some very bad weed, and oops, I just forgot that my Dad reads this website. Dad, I promise that was the last time we ever did that sort of thing, and not just because that stuff makes me so paranoid that I sat there for two hours thinking the FBI was about to send helicopters and surround my apartment building with a heavily armed swat team.

Oh wait a minute. That trip to Amsterdam. But that was legal.

Anyway, I remember sitting there trying not to freak out, focusing every molecule in my body on the task of NOT FREAKING OUT, and I may have said something out loud about how I wanted our children to understand the magic of Bob Marley. And since Jon was totally relaxed and experiencing what normal people experience when using such substances, he started laughing uncontrollably, because how ridiculous is it that I would say that while smoking pot? Bob Marley? Really, Heather? I mean, that right there is the script of a play featuring a Mormon smoking weed for the first time and trying to make it seem like she has any idea what she is doing.

So Leta looks up at me through a few loose tendrils of her hair, draws a winning card from the pile, and says, “Mom, I love this music.” And I don’t know, it was just one of those moments when I was like, I cannot wait to tell the Internet about this.

  • sam

    oh i feel for jon… i once saw the inside of a website and it scared the shit out of me… too many numbers and letters and symbols and databases and OH THE HORROR!

    also, bob marley is great.

  • Lori McBride

    This made me smile the first time I saw it…WITH my boys!! Thought I’d share.

    Lori McBride
    Fort Mill, SC

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV_V8wZsiDk

  • dooce, are you stalking me and writing about MY life (minus the kids)? sending the fbi to surround you now…

  • I am already looking forward to reading about these same types of moments with Marlo too – it makes all the other crap you go through with your kids SOOOOO worth it.

  • Amy

    Okay, this is sad but I never got into Bob Marley. Please don’t hate me! And the pot? Didn’t like it, made my heart race, so while others were all like, duuude this is sooo cooooool, I was sitting there thinking I need to go to the ER. Please someone take me to the ER.

    I learned my lesson. Now Jack and Diet, pour me another and life is good.

  • Rita T.

    Love when my kids dance and groove to the music that I Love. It’s one of the best feelings.

  • Wella

    I love the hate section. It just cracks me up. People, go somewhere else if you don’t like Dooce. It’s just that easy. Oops, I think I just stole the tag line from a TV lawyer.

  • Tell John not to pull too hard on those strands. Eventually they’ll give up the fight! Just ask my guy. PS: Bob Marley – he’s the best!

  • Erin

    Ha! I loved it when my 4yr old had a surprisingly AWESOME revelation that Radiohead was WAY better than Old Mc… wait what was his name again because I like to sing Karma Police!

  • RAD on so many levels. i totally would have said the same thing. in fact i likely have, completely sober.

  • Looking forward to whatever the changes to the website will add to my day!

  • The music of Bob Marley, it unites us all. Can’t wait to see the new launch!

  • Mary Lou

    I just spent a week in Jamaica, totally sober thank you very much. (I’ve been too scared to try.) But man was everyone else stoned! By the time our holiday was over I was so tired of the weed smell that lingered over you like your own personal cloud on a bad day, that I was happy to go home to some fresh air.

    Also, the music was 98% Bob Marley the whole time. It was lovely. But have you actually listened to what he was saying? After day 2 the words started to sink in and wow is he deep! Just listen to ‘Buffalo Soldier’, I bet the cowboys in Texas would be surprised to know that they are not the “real american cowboys”.

  • Kelly

    I love the fact that your are raising her up with a decent taste in music!

  • Ooh, new feature, eh? Sounds tantalizing. I’ll spend the rest of the day pondering about it. Will it be Chuck and Coco’s own personal blog, possibly?

    Chuck: “…and that’s when I realized that Proust was full of malarkey and if anyone understood the essence of poetic pain it would be somebody with a more philosophical leaning, Sartre, perhaps…”

    Coco: “U GAIZ HAVE U HEARD OF TWITTER? OMG ITS SOOOOO FUN U CAN LIEK UPDATE UR FRIENDZ ON WHAT UR DOING AND READ THERE TWEETS AND KNOW EXACTLY WERE THEY ALL R. ALL. TEH. TIME. N E WAYZ I POOPED IN THE KITCHEN 2DAY AND CHUCK WAS ALL ‘WUT’ AND I WAS ALL ‘LOL’ N THEN I HAD 2 GO OUTSIDE BUT IT WAS OK CUZ I SAW A PLANE & I BARKED.”

    There is a goldmine of untapped potential there.

  • Alyxherself

    My almost ten yr old son and I went to see a band at one of the free outdoor music events they hold here once a month, and I asked him if he would dance with me to “No Woman No Cry” and he did for a few minutes. Mine was really a great moment, too. Thanks for sharing.

  • I have chills – good/happy chills. Ah, those moments make it all good.

  • Iva

    I have a 5month-old girl that I just put down for the night and after reading this I’m already looking forward to this kind of Saturdays with her 🙂

  • me

    i like you.

  • Helen

    Man, I used to love Bob Marley until I watched I am Legend. The film is awful and left me with a deep sense of foreboding when I hear Bob Marley’s tunes!

  • That is exactly why I stopped smoking dope at the ripe old age of 18. I couldn’t hold my shit together. When I was high the world was ending! I would be stuck like that forever and unable to communicate or understand another conversation! The cops were going to find me! Something was going to go terribly wrong and I wasn’t going to be able to handle it!

    Dope is scary shit. Love the post.

  • Catherine

    This will make you smile!

    http://vimeo.com/3097281

    Playing for Change | Song Around The World “One Love”

  • Jennifer

    Love Bob Marley. Going to have to go find that old CD I have stuffed away somewhere.

  • That was magic, Heather. Thanks.

  • Three little birds is one of my favorite songs ever! Oh, and stir it up… Jeeze Bob Marley – who can pick just one Bob Marley song?

    Of course Leta loves Marley – she has shown excellent taste in music so far.

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed for video footage of her Jammin’ 🙂

  • Amy

    I was stuck in traffic this evening and caught World Cafe on NPR. And, lo and behold…it was about Ziggy Marley and all the kid stuff he has recorded lately. Anyway, he mentioned this new cd of Bob Marley music for kids…B is for Bob. I don’t know if that’s what you were listening to, but if not, I think Leta (and the rest of the Armstrong Clan) might enjoy it.

  • Anonymous

    Mr Marley was our choice for our wedding song!
    Is this love…
    great artist!

  • Love it that Miss Leta has great taste in music. Who feels it, knows it!

  • I like this song !

  • Sara

    Your recent stories about Leta leave me excited and looking forward to someday being a mom. I love Leta at this age. Er, not that I didn’t love her before too. So, keep sharing. And thank you.

  • I am looking forward to the changes! I hope Jon still has some hair left when the launch happens 🙂

  • I spent too much time wondering about the composition of Dooce magic. Why is this woman so successful at this thing called a blog? I have nailed it. It’s not the good writing or the beautiful website. We can’t help but like her. That’s it. I know. I’m freaking wizard.

  • Anonymous

    I love love LOVE reading your new ‘Hate’ section. In fact, sometimes when I read your posts I can’t help thinking, “She’s going to get some fantastic hate mail out of this!” THIS is one of those posts. Congratulations to you for revealing how crazy the haters really are.

  • Jess F.

    I wonder what FBI agents think of when they are smoking weed?
    Please break into my desktop and change the background to naked George Clooney. I picture you doing the shingles jazz hands while working that particular bit of magic.

  • Just turned pandora to the Bob Marley station. Changed my whole mood… 🙂 Thanks.

  • Abby

    Nice work, Mom.

  • i thought i told you how much i loathe when (you) people make hints about something awesome and then DON’T TELL ME. Totally not fair.

    xo

    b.

  • Lindy

    Hi.

    I was reading your Hate page earlier today, and I had to stop. It was so horrible. I’m sorry there are people like that in this world and I’m sorry they have to point their anger at you.

    Thank you for rising above it and continuing on anyways.

  • the niffer

    Sweet post. And loved the pic for your mom. You’re a good kid, Heather.

  • Angela

    I love that Nick Jr (Noggin) has a little vinette of “Three Little Birds.” My son is 3 and I was so excited the first time I heard it I sang along with it (pretty excitedly). Now when it’s on, he’ll stop and sing with me…I need to go dust off that cd…

  • I love this website because it gives me so much insight into what being a mom one day might be like, even though everyone tells me that it’s different for everyone, I’m thinking that in about five years I will also be a mom living with a mood disorder and I am ready for the roller coaster, this website has helped me immensely!

    THANK YOU, HEATHER, JON, LETA, MARLO, CHUCK AND COCO!!

  • Missy

    Bob brings nothing but good vibes…. good feelings… happiness… nothing wrong with your girl feeling it like we as adults do… he’s great whether i’m stoned or not!! lol… she has a great musical ear already!

  • Laughing! (as always)
    Can’t wait for the launch and totally LOVED the picture for your mom.

  • KBrooks

    I’m excited! Another book!! I just happened across this blog a couple day ago and I’m already half way through the archives. I just ordered your first book a couple of minutes ago. THANKS FOR TAKING OVER MY LIFE HEATHER. (Keep up the good work 😉

  • that’s 31 flavours of awesome

  • Anonymous

    glad to hear other kids love Bob Marley. I thought I was introducing something bad at a young age. But she just LOVES the music!

  • paula

    No matter what anyone says, YOU ARE A DEAR PERSON and I like you very much. I’m only a single mother of 4 and have been through some bad things, but I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about. Don’t listen to the bullshit. YOu’re something special.

  • This was seriously one of the most entertaining random posts I’ve ever read on the internet. Thanks for telling us the Bob Marley story!

  • Katherine

    Oh, and we are SO GLAD you couldn’t wait to share it. Amazing.

  • allie

    i lol’d.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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