An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Every little thing is gonna be all right

Some of you may have noticed several weird things going on with this website — some code errors here, things not working over there, that not-so-accidental picture of my dog in maternity underwear over in that corner — and there is a very solid reason as to why all of this is happening, and it’s not that I’m trying to screw with you. Although one paranoid and probably schizophrenic reader thought this was exactly what was going on, said that I had hacked into her computer and changed her desktop wallpaper to a picture of a decapitated moose. You have no idea how badly I wish I had that superpower.

Jon has been working tirelessly the last couple of months on a huge new portion of this website that is scheduled to launch at the beginning of next month, and this project includes upgrading the infrastructure in such a way that one or two things may have gotten wedged up the butt of a server. He is grateful for your patience, and I should probably tell you how cute he is when he is stressed out as much as he is these days, because in order to deal with things going haywire he grabs at his own hair, much like a three-year-old who is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t know any other way to demonstrate his frustration.

I used to call it Movable Type Hair back when that was the content management system we used to run this site. Now that we’re using Drupal I guess I could call it Drupal Hair, but that sounds like something contagious or deadly. These days I usually don’t call it anything, I just ask him if he’s looked in the mirror lately, and when he asks me why I say, oh, I don’t know, maybe because the animal sitting on top of his head looks like it may be dying, and should we intervene?

So we’ve got that exciting launch to look forward to, and in the meantime I’ve got a boatload of deadlines causing me to do what every writer does best: procrastinate! I really hope my book editor is not reading this (hi, Patrick!) because he’d be thinking, wait a minute, why is she working on that when she should be working on that other thing? First of all, PATRICK, shouldn’t YOU be working instead of READING THIS? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

There is no second of all now that I think about it.

Except maybe to say that the other reason I brought all this up is because I deliberately took a break on Saturday knowing what the next two weeks were going to be like, walked away from my computer and spent a few hours on the kitchen floor trying to beat my five-year-old at several different card games. While listening to Bob Marley. And Leta is just sitting there, her legs folded over one another, her wild hair hanging partially over her face, and she is totally kicking my ass.

And I remembered that one time many years ago when Jon and I got stoned on some very bad weed, and oops, I just forgot that my Dad reads this website. Dad, I promise that was the last time we ever did that sort of thing, and not just because that stuff makes me so paranoid that I sat there for two hours thinking the FBI was about to send helicopters and surround my apartment building with a heavily armed swat team.

Oh wait a minute. That trip to Amsterdam. But that was legal.

Anyway, I remember sitting there trying not to freak out, focusing every molecule in my body on the task of NOT FREAKING OUT, and I may have said something out loud about how I wanted our children to understand the magic of Bob Marley. And since Jon was totally relaxed and experiencing what normal people experience when using such substances, he started laughing uncontrollably, because how ridiculous is it that I would say that while smoking pot? Bob Marley? Really, Heather? I mean, that right there is the script of a play featuring a Mormon smoking weed for the first time and trying to make it seem like she has any idea what she is doing.

So Leta looks up at me through a few loose tendrils of her hair, draws a winning card from the pile, and says, “Mom, I love this music.” And I don’t know, it was just one of those moments when I was like, I cannot wait to tell the Internet about this.

  • Laura S

    Whoa! I’m just sitting here on the couch, reading your blog and partially listening to the 10 o’clock news. I just got to the marijuana part of your story when they started talking about the government legalizing medical marijuana in Illinois. I had to rewind the news just to make sure I heard correctly.

  • Leta has such an old soul…Every little thing is gonna be alright. So how this post must make you feel.

  • Edge StCharles

    I don’t care what “they” say about you, I wish you were my mother. No, not really, but I wish you were my Mother’s close friend who was nice to me and played cards with me and let me hear beautiful tunage. Now, I’ve gotta go force some Bob Marley onto the kid’s eardrums.

  • Honey

    Jah love, Leta! Jah live!

  • Looking forward to the new site and to reading your posts. I am a new reader, saw you on one of my recorded Dr. Phil shows.

  • Anonymous

    I love Bob Marley’s music and children and I haven’t smoked a joint in what seems like ever!

  • Looking forward to all the new changes! I just flew back from Lithuania, helped with a friend’s wedding, agreed to watch my cousins for a week (while in a sleep deprived stupor), and have a bunch of articles to write some time soon. I think my hair probably looks a lot like Jon’s. After 7 months in Europe, however, it is kind of nice to be busy (and able to procrastinate, as evidenced by this comment)!

  • Looking forward to all the new changes! I just flew back from Lithuania, helped with a friend’s wedding, agreed to watch my cousins for a week (while in a sleep deprived stupor), and have a bunch of articles to write some time soon. I think my hair probably looks a lot like Jon’s. After 7 months in Europe, however, it is kind of nice to be busy (and able to procrastinate, as evidenced by this comment)!

  • Hey – making changes to webpages sometimes creates hickups, looking forward to seeing the change 🙂

  • I just tried to explain to a friend – today, in fact – WHY I had Bob Marley playing in the background in the delivery room when I was in labor with my son. She was confused. She obviously does not understand the magic of Bob Marley. But we do. And Leta too. Smart girl!

  • My two year old can identify a Bob Marley song just from a few opening notes. I thought this was wonderful until we were watching SYTYCD last week. One of the contestants had thick beautiful dreads, and Rosie starts yelling “BOB!” and jumping up and down. I was just glad that this man was on the TV, and not say, at the Blue Plate where I would have to explain why my daughter thinks all black men are Bob Marley.

  • i have been reading your site for about 4 months after my lesbian friend told me about it. i say lesbian because i think you’d like to know that LOTS o’ folks can relate to you. i go to your site daily and am always happy to read and look at the pretty pics. thank you. fuck the haters. i’m a 35 year old mommy of a 10 month old boy and you’ve inspired me to start a blog of my own which i think is pretty funny. i’d be honored if you’d look at it. i particularly like my post entitled “baby boners and such”. sounds gross i know, but it’s funny, i swear. at least that’s what my mom says.
    sorry for posting a long non-bob marley related message but i felt the urge to contact you especially after (trying) to read that awful hate section. it was just too poisonous.

  • The sheer joy created by Bob Marley’s music, no matter the state of the listener, is the reason we named our son Marley.

    Of course, now everyone thinks we’re giant potheads, which is funny since I’ve never even tried it.

  • Danielle

    Holy crap! My husband had the EXACT SAME paranoid reaction the first (and thank god, ONLY) time he tried weed. Only, he jumped up and down on the spot and counted/did math like a schizophrenic for hours, trying to get his brain to shut up. Then, he tried to hug me by yanking on my hair and dragging me into his arms. The paramedics (yup, I called them) had a really hard time not busting a gut. I was the only sober one in the room. I wish I’d had a video camera with me.

    Good times.

  • Christina

    Awesome! I love Bob Marley so much that I’ve always planned on naming my daughter, if I’m ever blessed with one, after my favorite song by him (on the album of the same name). We’re trying for number 4 now, fingers crossed that I get my Kaya!

    My kids and I were just listening to Ziggy Marley’s new CD that someone mentioned above. It’s actually called Family Time. I don’t normally do kids music, but it’s pretty good. Lots of other artists are featured too, including Willie Nelson and Paul Simon.

  • Anonymous

    # 115, Kaya is a boy’s name in Turkish; so regardless of the outcome, you can have your Kaya :-))

  • This is going to sound incredibly pedantic. I blame sleep deprivation.


    Pot’s not legal in the Netherlands (sorry). It’s just that the laws against it go permanently un-enforced (unless we get annoyed by people travelling here to get it).

    Yes, the Dutch are even crazier than everybody thought.

  • Beautiful. Those are the moments that make all the work of parenting worth it, right?

    I have a great album of Ziggy Marley kids songs… oh but you don’t listen to kids music… anyway, I do like kids songs and think it’s pretty great.

    Wishing you many more happy afternoons like that with your lovely kids.

  • OMG! Where have I been?? This masthead is absolutely spectacular!! *retreating back under rock*

  • This post made me laugh so loud I woke my Husband! I swear I’ve had a similar moment with my kid, where I look at her and say “Do you realize that 1) you are exactly the kid Mama & Daddy needed and 2) you are the coolest kid EVER?!”

    The best part of parenting is watching your baby become a person all their own.

  • this is random but… I was reading monetizing the hate (what is the McBee-longarse-name-thingie?), but anyway something on it led me to google “dooce sucks” and every entry where some mean, competitive, bad-writer chick was bashing you surprised the crap outta me. i never realized how many haters there were! that sucks. they suck- their writing really does suck- bashing someone for five paragraphs = boring. anyways, looking forward to the unveiling of whatever biggie thing is coming up :).

  • @Venite – Are you sure? I’m starting to doubt my own Dutchness now. As far as I know, pot is legal to sell and own in small quantities, but illegal to grow, so it magically appears in shops and from then on is part of a legal sales chain? Right?

    Either way, the legislation is a bit funny. Almost like people were on something when they wrote it.

    Don’t quite get the Bob Marley love, but that’s why I have Radiohead to keep me warm. Awesome to see that Leta is appreciating the music you listen to, though!

  • Saron

    I’m going to put some Bob Marley on right now to see what effects he has on my tantrum-y toddler.

    Probably more appropriate than running out to the nearest coffeeshop to buy some pot.

    So, Heather, when are you coming back to Amsterdam??

  • I have never seen open comments so I am waving maddly over here in denmark.I love reading your blog and was excited (as was my 6 year old ) to see you on Oprah

  • Ziggy Marley makes some sweet tunes for kids. He wrote some songs for the Arthur and Dora soundtracks, and just released a full kids album. Just heard an interview with him on the radio last night – it was good!

  • I love non-stoners! And Bob, of course, although don’t really listen to the lyrics for “Big Axe” because it’s kind of suggestive. A wee bit.

  • Laura-Lu

    Tell Jon that we all appreciate his hard work!

  • Bob Marley is great kids music. My kids are very familiar with all the songs on Legend. He’s spiritual and all that good stuff, mon.

    My kids current obsession is with all things Beatles. They’re old school I guess. Or it might have something to do with Beatles Rockband.

  • Can I just say that your book got me through a few difficult months right after I had my little boy in May of this year. I felt you are so real in communicating your difficulties and successes, and it helped me see the light at the end of a long tunnel. Thank you for what you’ve done.

  • Fantastic! Love that Leta has good taste in music, all while kicking your ass in cards 🙂

  • Thanks for the heads-up on the website maintenance. I figured something must be up when my computer wanted to download your website instead of just going to it. Ah, the magic of coding.

    Sounds like you had an awesome moment with Leta, too.

  • Kate

    Three Little Birds is my son’s favorite song. He’s three and he knows all the words. He also likes the “stirring song”…he makes a stirring motion every time he hears it.

  • Jen W.

    Last night, on the way home from getting a flu shot (which didn’t happen, the local school ran out of doses before we arrived), my 6-year old advised, if you’re ever feeling sad or scared, just sing this song to yourself: “don’t worry, about a thing, every little thing, is gonna be alright.” I LOVE her taste in music – it makes me so proud!

  • Anonymous

    Funny, yesterday my 3 yr old girl was changing a poopy diaper on her doll (potty training is a little rocky right now) and nick jr. was playing 3 Little Birds. She started repeating the lines to her stressed out doll, and it was the sweetest thing ever.

  • Funny story! Love chuck in your underwear…

  • Christina

    Bob will always get you through, well maybe not cards with your daughter the shark!

    Love it


  • Teresa

    Okay, so this doesn’t have much to do with what you wrote, okay, maybe nothing at all. I just wanted to say that I am really happy that you decided to post all of those hateful comments and make money off of them. It disturbs me that people would be so hateful!

    What else would you talk about besides your kids? And why wouldn’t you talk about the challenges and achievements they have? This is YOUR blog.

    I don’t understand the commenters who go nuts about this! If they don’t like your site, there are millions more they could switch to. I know, I did it once.

    Sorry, I was bothered by all the blogging about politics and Obama and I left for a while. Then I caught you on the Bonnie Hunt show and missed your wit and perspective, so I came back. (I know you are beside yourself with glee on that one.)

    Congratulations on Marlo. Leta is getting so big! You have beautiful children.

    So the short of this long comment is…I am sorry that there are people who feel the need to project their neurosis on you.

  • Elizabeth

    #117–Pot is actually legal (in some ways) in the Netherlands, but it was not so until 2002 (or 2003).

    It is legal to possess small amounts (I believe under 5 grams) and legal to sell small amounts in a coffee shop. However, it is illegal for those shops to obtain the drug. They actually have bike messengers that bring the pot to the shops throughout the day because they cannot have over a certain amounts in the store at any given time. Those bike messengers are performing illegal distribution, but no one enforces that aspect of the law.

    It is also legal to grow 2 plants at your place of residence.

  • Saw you on Dr. Phil, what- a couple weeks ago. Now I’m so a fan. At least while I’m on maternity leave. I read the hate section too. Idiots. I love your candor. Your comments about your kids go through my head now all the time. Like when I’m nursing I picture my 5 week old thinking “SHUT UP ANOTHER BUFFET!” And when my milk comes down I imagine “spraying the walls.” My first car ride by my self was up to the corner store…you were there with me, too. Few weeks ago I taught my five-year-old how to play war. She kicked my ass too. It’s just cool to have somewhere to go that relates, ya know. Screw the haters Heather! If you ever come to Buffalo, I’ll take you for coffee and we can laugh our asses off about how much kids can suck.

  • Javan

    For Jon’s hair: One of my favorite things that Dave Letterman ever said was, ‘And as usual, the role of my hair will be played by a small, stunned rodent.”

  • Anonymous

    Shout out to:

    #44. Cyn said:
    Firstly, Bob Marley is total magic. Always and forever.
    But you know how when something beautiful happens in your life, if there is music playing– you think its the most wonderful music you’ve ever heard?
    I think Leta LOVED playing cards with you on the floor. THAT is what she loved, and Bob Marley happened to be on. That kid is crazy about you, you know

    That brought tears to my eyes! That love beats the hate any day.

    And, my spam words are “for limbaugh” — your site has been hacked!

  • Carrie

    Dooce. I seriously had a dream last night that you put up naked photos on here, and your whole thing was like “I don’t care what the haters think. Who cares if you see my nipple?” There were like pictures of you doing things to yourself….. SUCH a weird dream. I was getting off to the pictures too (and I’m a girl). In the dream I kind of figured you’d only done it for the publicity though.


  • –>Like Nickelback sings, “Looks like another Bob Marley day…”
    I got married in Jamaica so the music brings back different memories for me.

  • Leta’s got good taste!! I think I’m going to have that song stuck in my head now, not that I can complain.

  • Trixie

    Hi, I am new to dooce, but I am not a stay at home mom. I am a working mom and I saw ur episode on Dr. Phil. I am just checking out the website and want to know what is the noise about with this website. I do like how it is real and funny. How has this website connected other moms? BTW I am a young mom of 27 living with my mother-in-law (UGH!) and new hubby who is looking for more support than work-home, work-home, work-home, get the hint?

  • Bossy has *not* noticed code weirdness over here on your blog. Does this mean Bossy needs to start smoking pot? Or stop? Confused…

  • I sang the title song of your post while I was pregnant with Madie in hopes that she would love him when she came out and it worked! Well, I have no idea if that is why, but regardless, she does love her some Marley. I made the mistake of buying a “Reggae for Babies” CD though and OMG is that some awful stuff. We will stick to the real thing from now on thankyouverymech.

  • Trixie

    Should I start smoking pot too? Sounds like an experience, hehe

  • Ingrid

    I would be really happy if one of the changes to your site included getting rid of the Hate page. It was funny for a day or so but now it has become painful.

    Have you considered an alternative that features your loyal readers? Maybe pick comments that have stood out to you or made you laugh. Put them on the featured page with a link to their site if they have one.

    It seems that a lot of people that comment on your site put a lot of thought into what they want to say to you and wouldn’t it be nice to acknowledge that?

    Looking forward to seeing the changes you are working on.

  • Sara

    Bob Marley is good kid’s music. My friend’s little 7-year-old has been saying that Bob Marley is her favorite music since she could talk.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more