Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Forever a family of four

Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I’ve had enough coffee… oh you shut it. I’ve already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don’t tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She’d FLIP.

So a few months ago, I’d say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I’ve heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE!

Related tangent: I don’t know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who’d grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they’d hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, “WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, ‘JESUS!'” And then another group of children across the room would scream, “JESUS!” Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball.

I don’t know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can’t go tossing around the Lord’s name like that, haven’t you read the ten commandments? I think it’s the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn’t matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!

So a couple of weeks ago Jon went in for a consultation with a urologist and saw some weird, funky movie starring men in very tight European shorts, apparently, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I’ll let him tell you that part of the story. And then yesterday we drove down to the same hospital where I delivered Marlo for his vasectomy. We’ll get to that part in a second, but first, I cannot even begin to explain how nauseated I felt when we turned the corner and I saw that hospital. Like, hobo on a bourbon binge fell off the train and woke up naked next to the dumpster outside of IHOP nauseated.

Yes, this is now The Hobo Blog.

Because last time I was there I was having contractions so violent that I was certain I was going to look down and see that the lower half of my body had been ripped off all while Leta was in the back seat going WHY IS MOM MAKING THAT NOISE?! So when we pull into the parking lot I involuntarily turn toward the empty back seat and go MOMMY IS FINE! MOMMY IS FINE!

If THAT isn’t a picture of someone perfectly sane.

So Jon is lying there on the operating table – hoo! I know I’m not a guy and I cannot relate, but if I had balls I think I’d rather not ever have them and the words OPERATING TABLE in the same sentence – nude from the waist down, and I’m sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand, situated just enough below the table that I don’t have to see anything. Because, you know, I’D LIKE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

And remember, Jon almost fainted once when a nurse approached him with a needle to draw his blood. Not when she put the needle in his arm. WHEN SHE WALKED UP TO HIM. So you can imagine the wincing and almost losing consciousness that was going on as the doctor prepped his tray full of scissors and scalpels and KNIVES AND GUNS AND GRENADES!

Jon is out of breath, sweating, clutching my hand, and I am doing everything I can not to laugh. Because the doctor has not even touched him yet. And I’m trying SO HARD to be the support that he needs when suddenly the doctor gently drops a wet, sanitary wipe directly ON THE AREA (notice: I have not once used the word NADS, BOW BEFORE MY RESTRAINT) and Jon jumps three feet into the air. Literally. Every limb of that 6′ 3” body came off that table. What did it look like? Remember when Kramer would clumsily open the door to Seinfeld’s apartment? THAT.

And that doctor is all, DUDE, it was a napkin! OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying to muffle my laughter during the eulogy at a funeral!

The cringing and flailing limbs continue as the doctor injects a local anesthetic ON THE AREA, and then when he performs the dreaded poke test Jon flatlines on the table. Dead. Gone. And then he suddenly comes back to life with a hearty WATCH IT, BUDDY!

That’s exactly what he said. WATCH IT, BUDDY. And it seemed so appropriate, like, he couldn’t have phrased it better, because when someone is holding a scalpel over your balls? What do you call him? STAN? JOE? NO. YOU CALL HIM BUDDY. Buddy and your balls. THE TWO GO TOGETHER.

I imagine Jon felt like he was staring at a gun and was trying to calm the mugger down. Like, buddy, listen. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, buddy. Please don’t kill me. Here, take my wallet, buddy. Just leave me my balls.

And this is the part I will not ever forget, the best part, the climax of the vasectomy, no pun intended. Jon is going OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! STOP! STOP! And the doctor holds up both hands, steps a foot away from the table, and goes I AM NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU. He waves both hands in the air to prove it, and Jon feverishly looks up through the sweat that has now flooded his eyes and goes, “Oh. Okay.”

And then I was done, I had my head between my knees and I let it all out, the laughing until I cried, the guffaws, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My poor little bunny:

  • I feel sorry for Jon. And I hope he has a speedy recovery. I am on day two of my recovery from my Tubal Ligation surgery. Anything that has to do with being cut open just isn’t fun. Period.

  • personally, i think you should tell him in about 3 months time that you’ve changed your mind and that you do in fact want another child.

    but i’m kind of evil like that.

  • GEM

    Love the story. My husband had a buxom, Norwegian bombshell for his vasectomy nurse. To hear it in his words, it sounds like a nightmare and fantasy all rolled into one.

  • Mine had a panic attack the day before and started vomiting. Like in the exorcist, with the pea soup. He still went through with it. I guess the thought of an eighth child elicited more panic than the vasectomy.

  • Susan

    I had just learned how to drive a standard for my now ex’s ride home after the procedure. Still cracks me up.

  • After my husband had a wickedly nasty bout of flu, the women from his office sent me the link to the Man Cold clip. I was laughing so hard that I misunderstood the instructions and, to this day, whenever he is sick, I call him my FAT Little Bunny.

    More accurate, at any rate!

    Cheers.

  • Vasectomy part of the movie was hilarious…

  • Dawn

    I needed that laugh, thank you 😛

  • I’ve already had four kids (the last was an emergency c-section that almost killed me – severed artery and all) so I told hubby that if that blasted test is positive one more frickin’ time, I have a home vasectomy kit – wire cutters and a tarp! It’s been 4 1/2 years since the last one . . . he’s safe . . . for now.

  • Tanya

    I hate to focus on the tangent, but it reminded me of those Hillshire Farms commercials. “GO MEAT!!” I don’t even eat meat, and they still make me giggle hysterically.

    Best wishes to Jon. We all think you’re awesome, even tho we join Heather in laughing at you right now. Great story.

  • HILARIOUS. I LOVED THIS SO MUCH. AWWWWWWW JON. 🙂

  • Be careful! Our neighbor had a vasectomy 11 years ago, and guess what? His wife is pregnant again. And we haven’t seen any odd cars parked across the street either! Have him get those things checked once a year to make sure there are no swimmers 😉

  • Lilla

    LOL, flipping “man-flu”
    When my bf is whinging about having a cold, i feel like reaching for the pillow and hold it down firmly with both hands…..just to stop the whining.
    It is u-b-e-a-r-a-b-l-e.

  • Amy J.

    Heather, you are a good wife. I did not go with my husband. I sent his father with him, lol.

    He’s a doctor and a big wimp, so I was not in any mood to hear all the complaining. I did however have a major panic attack and cryfest over sterilizing US for the rest of our lives AS he walked out the door to go, lol.

    When I told him Jon had gotten it done, he was all sympathetic and said, “I could have warned him how bad it will suck…after the procedure, for MONTHS.” Yup, warn Jon now, there is “phantom” pain that lingers (for years actually, randomly). Hubs is not happy about that, neither are the fairly large number of guys I’ve talked to who have had the same thing. I hope Jon doesn’t have it, mostly for your benefit because the whining will totally get on your nerves, lol.

    Also, four years AFTER the procedure, when my youngest turned four, I had this overwhelming desire to have another baby. Hubs was very, VERY sweet and offered to reverse it! I changed my mind back to NO more kids (thankfully for him). But it reminded me of that episode of Mad About You, the finale I believe, when Helen Hunt made Paul what’s his face’s character get a vasectomy, then reverse it, only to end up getting it again. My husband says that is his worst nightmare now after having had it done, lol.

    Good luck Jon. Remember to not lift anything heavy!! My father in law loved to tell the story of how he woke up after his was done to have his crotch soaked in blood! A stitch had come undone and he nearly bled to death. But I digress…

  • Jen

    I had my husband, who is not fixed, read this; I thought it was funny. He did not. He was not amused. In fact, the first thing he said, less than halfway through, was, “Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. They don’t put you under for that? No f&*king way. They are knocking me the f*@k out.” I guess he feels pretty strongly about it.

  • Erin

    I laughed so hard I peed a little!

  • poor Jon, but I am crying with laughter – soooooo vivid.

    I hope he is up and at ’em soon1

  • Kristen

    To those worried about swimmers. You are required to give ejaculate samples (I believe) at 1 and 3 months to confirm that it worked.

    Even my husband who is quite used to pain thought it hurt. But he was fine with some ice and back to normal the next day.

    He drove himself there and back.

    The doc that did it was named Richard Chop here in Austin. No kidding. He’s the best and everyone knows him because of the name.

  • As a member of the male sex, I feel for Jon. But as someone who has seen childbirth firsthand, I understand where all the funny comes from. Those are what I like to call the church giggles, when your shoulders are flailing trying to keep it all in.

  • I went to the doctor today because I’ve had a bad cold and I needed a Get Out Of Work Free card. While I was there, I mentioned to my lovely doctor that I didn’t get my period last month, and still haven’t had it this month, and since I am exceptionally regular I was a little concerned that maybe something was wrong. He asked me if I could be pregnant. The answer to that is no, because (a) unfortunately I’m not having a torrid affair with Jason Statham and (b) PJ had a vasectomy six years ago

    “It could have corrected itself.”

    “After six years?”

    “Yep, I’ve seen it happen.”

    “With your own eyes? Here in your practice?!”

    “Yep.”

    Holy shit.

    Naaahhh… I’m putting it down to stress.

    So anyway, tonight PJ gets home from work. He knew I was going to the doctor and he asked if I’d asked about the “period thing.” I told him about my doctor’s theory about reconnection.

    “Oh my god, do you realise what that would mean?”

    Yes, I thought to myself. An abortion. Or, if the thought of not having another Ella or Madeleine was too much to bear, then another having another Ella or Madeleine.

    “I’d have to have another vasectomy!!!”

  • Anonymous

    Maybe this is why my local medical clinic gives VALIUM to any man having a vasectomy there.

  • LD

    Oh.my.god. Thank you so much for sharing this. I laughed until I cried.

  • Katie

    Bwaaaa hahahahahahaaahaha! ~wiping tears from my eyes~ ~gasping inhale~ Hahahahah ahaaaar har har! ~sniff~

  • Helen

    Doesn’t anybody else find it disturbing to see the people on here talking about their EXs who had the procedure? I mean the man is sterilized and the relationship is over, what happens if he remarries?

    If a woman doesn’t want to have any more kids why does she force her HUSBAND to get snipped? I can’t understand the men who agree to such a thing. With a 50% divorce rate it doesn’t make much sense. What if the wife has a fatal illness and he wants to move on and start a new family with another woman?

    It seems like the ultimate act of selfishness.

  • geewiz

    I laugh… and it hurts… a lot! My cheeks! My head!

  • Amy

    Helen, calm down. Some men, like mine, DECIDE to get the procedure. It was his idea. Or perhaps you would prefer women getting pregnant by mistake and aborting all in the sake of ‘what if??’ We all make our CHOICES.

    Damn Heather, you mean I could have gone and held his hand (watched?) I so would have. Lucky for hubby he was completely stoic about the whole event, probably knowing what would have spewed out of my mouth had he even said OUCH! (Mother of 3, need I say more>)

  • Oh. My. God. I just about pissed myself.

    Brings back such fond memories of my own hysterical laughter at the Mr. and his vasectomy drama.

    Puh-leeze. We squeeze HUMAN BEINGS out of our you-know-whats and they can’t even handle the doctor LOOKING at their balls.

    This is the most hilarious story I’ve read in a while.

  • Heather

    Fabulous story, Heather.

  • Anonymous

    That was funny and I love the way you tell stories but it gets so so so old to hear you bitch and moan about how hard it is to have a baby. I’ve done it, it’s just not that hard. Pregnancy is NO WHERE even half way close to as hard as you have always made it seem and delivery while not fun is a fact of life and isn’t that hard either. I’m just trying to tell myself that you are trying to make a career here so you are purposely being silly and exaggerating. No one could really be that much of a whiner could they? (I know you had to go to a mental hospital and I’m not belittling your mental illness, I just mean the standard, physical part) Can’t you have just a tiny, little bit of compassion for the suffering of anyone besides yourself?

  • Sara PG with #3

    Ok, that was hysterical. I couldn’t read part of it b/c of the tears in my eyes and hubby came in to see what was wrong with me! I tried to read it to him but it was no use.
    And anonymous, go read another blog with less whining. Sheesh.

  • That is hysterical. My husband took an anti anxiety drug before the procedure.

    We got to his appointment, and they hadn’t scheduled the appointment so we had to come back later that day. Poor fellow. He was all psyched up to have the operation, and they made him wait 4 hours. He was very good about it though. Some men are complete pusses.

  • GAHHHAAHA! I can’t wait to show all my guy friends this video.

  • I can not tell you how much that made my day!

    We’re not ready to shut down the factory, but when the time comes I’m hoping Steve is up to the task. He doesn’t handle a cold or headache with much grace, so I can’t imagine how much babying he will need for the “procedure”

  • Favorite. Post. EVER.

    And not just because it was a good laugh at Jon’s expense. (Sorry Jon!)

    Heather, you held it in way longer that I could have. Good Job. I would have lost it when we got to the hospital and would not have been able to stop the entire time.

  • Anonymous

    Heather, there is no way you read this far down in your comments, but THIS WAS THE MOST AWESOME POST EVER!!! We’re scheduled for V-Day in 2 weeks and the whining is causing the next door neighbor’s dogs to howl. And then you capped it off with the Man Cold video. I liked you before, but now I…ummmmm…just…might…..love you. I won’t stalk you, promise! Don’t look outside.

  • Mo

    Hobo vaginas and now this-If it is now a hobo blog, at these you are hitting both sides of the fence, buddy.

    ….I wonder if the bits on anesthesia act anything like your face after novecain(sp?)…cause that would be fuuunny. (poor lil guys)

  • To Helen @ #174:

    I don’t think you can FORCE a man to submit to having his testicles sliced open with a scalpel.

    I think you can have a frank discussion with your partner about whether or not he thinks he’s done having children (with you or with anyone else for that matter). Just because you CAN have more children doesn’t mean you WANT TO or you SHOULD. And if you’re both finished having children, why should the woman be the one to take full responsibility for birth control? A vasectomy is way less invasive than a tubal ligation and way less complicated than decades of hormonal anarchy from taking the Pill.

  • my god, that was funny.

  • Mrs. Q.

    My hubby just had it done last week. In the doctor’s office. In under 20 minutes. I’ve had teeth cleanings go worse than that.

    The aftermath was surprisingly OK. Just make sure your dear remembers to use two things: the ice pack and the jock.

    My dear husband said perhaps the worst part is the prep. When he asked me how he was supposed to shave his balls, I said, “Carefully. And without my help if you ever want sex again.”

  • OMG that is freaking hilarious. My husband will read this one for sure. Seriously, uncontrollable laughter over here.

    Sorry, Jon. Sorry Jon’s balls—area. 🙂

    suzi
    pinkvanillacupcakes.com

  • Jill

    I hate to laugh at Jon’s expense but that has got to be your funniest post ever!

  • Jill Ross

    Fucking hilarious Heather! I was pissing myself laughing all the way through.

  • Laura R

    The post was hysterical, but the video was dead on. My husband is just getting over a “Man Cold” and now I’m getting sick, but guess who has to keep on going while the *baby* recovers??

  • That is awesome! LOL! Oh my, so very funny.

    I am pregnant and I am a big baby with this stuff and the hubby always goes with me saying ‘it’s no big deal’ with bright eyes and smile. Then at the OB, he asked the doctor if I should get the flu/h1n1 shots and she said “yes absolutely she does…don’t think you’re out of this, you need to get one as well.” YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS FACE!!! Phew! So funny.

  • Ann

    Oh. My. God. I cannot breathe!

    You are so brave to go in with Jon and hold his hand. I waited in the waiting room and then drove the big baby home.

    Best EVER!!!!!

  • Our day is coming soon. Will try to keep the snickers to a minimum. Hilarious post!

  • My husband and I decided neither one of us will get “fixed”. We got a boy together and I have a beautiful daughter as well. One of each and I am done, yet we chose no form of birth control and just let nature, or God do as it pleases…lol. I’m bit crazy I know, but I believe my body knows it’s just too old for another one. I think I am safe…..I hope.
    Jon, you’re a brave brave man. Kudos to you. 🙂

  • Dan

    When my ‘surprise’ kid sister was born, 9 years after me, my mother was in labor for 30 hours. Within a month, my father and 5 uncles had all been forced under the knife by their wives. I suspect they negotiated a group discount.

    The only holdout was one uncle, who had his own ‘surprise’ kid when my cousins were already out of high school. Best to avoid surprises, believe me.

  • Hillary_C

    I’m laughing so hard that my husband is warning me to not wake up the kids.

    And the dude who cleaned the garage, and the one who rode the motorcycle to work, more tears streamed down my face.
    thanks to all for a great end to my day.

  • Kate

    My husband is a Marine and he got the Combat V two years ago. The procedure is to drop your Marine off at the clinic and then they call you when it’s time to pick them up.

    I got the call, went down to the clinic and they told me he was not there. I was naturally curious about where he might have hobbled off to but not worried as surely he could not have gotten far. They just had not one idea where he might be, but he was surely not in the clinic.

    I was pretty sure my husband was in the clinic and not difficult to find as he would be the mildly stoned one holding an icepack to his crotch.

    To get me away from his desk, the young Corpsman agreed to take a peek in the back. Low and behold, he found my Marine anxiously waiting for me in the recovery area.

    Someday I’ll share with everyone the story about when I went to pick him up from heel surgery and they could only trace him as far as having been put in an elevator 20 minutes earlier.