the smell of my desperation has become a stench


(Imagine me, cat-like, hanging from the ceiling by all four paws, my entire bloodstream filled with shots of espresso. Like, a demonic Garfield! Meowsies!)

Today is a hugely super dooperly enormous day here at the Blurbodoocery, one where everyone is running around slapping duct tape up here and over there, hoping that the energy emanating from our office doesn’t blow the doors off the house. Although that would kind of be cool as it would give the neighbors something to talk about other than the way that Armstrong woman is always standing on the porch in her pajamas screaming COCO!! as that little skunk runs around the yard barking at grass.

Note: We no longer refer to Coco as Coco. She is always addressed as COCO!!, with lips pursed and a bit of a growl in the throat. It is also the most frequently used word in the house.

I am so excited and thrilled and DEMONICALLY GARFIELDED to announce that I have signed an exclusive development deal with HGTV.

H to the G to the T to the V.


You can see me here! And here is the official press release.

I am joining the HGTV talent family, as they call it, and I could not be more over the moon. I’m all the way to Jupiter. The air is very thin and dry up here.

There are a lot of projects and ideas in my life that I’ve wanted to develop but haven’t had the resources to do so, and HGTV is the perfect partner to help me take this next step. I think what we’re planning to do is going to be fun and spectacular and a fantastic addition to what I already do over here. And yes, I’ll still be posting on my regular schedule here on this Internet Website Blog Thing. Y’all, I would never take Chuck away from you. Unless you started upholstering your couch in denim, and I’d be all, hmm….

I cannot wait to take you all along for this exhilarating ride! Meowsies!

Many thanks to Katie Granju for her stalwart support and role in the project development (you can find her on Twitter at @kgranju). I can’t gush enough about her vision and wisdom. Also, it’s great to know that I have someone in Knoxville who can buy me a bourbon.

Now, back to hanging from the ceiling!

  • William

    2010/01/22 at 11:38 am


  • janeingrid

    2010/01/22 at 11:39 am

    Aw congrats heather! But now that you have a “real job”, what will the haters complain about now? Oh wait, I know, that you aren’t home taking care of your kids.THANKGODTHEUNIVERSECANGOON.

  • The Dalai Mama

    2010/01/22 at 11:44 am

    Awesome. Congrats to you. Can’t wait.

  • Parsing Nonsense

    2010/01/22 at 11:49 am

    Congratulations! As long as you say “Meowsies” at least once on national TV I think we’ll all be just fine.

  • heatherink

    2010/01/22 at 11:49 am

    I can’t wait to see what you’re creating! It needs to be something with crayons. Fo sho.

  • gribblette

    2010/01/22 at 11:50 am

    hot diggity!

  • SteffernieA

    2010/01/22 at 11:50 am

    WHAAAAT! I’m soooo excited! Congrats Heather!

    Please remember us here on the InterMcNet – don’t take away my mid-day mind break from work… ok, maybe it’s more than just mid-day.

    I can’t wait to watch you on HGTV! It’ll be right up there with The Bachelor, What Not To Wear and Real Housewives… lucky you!

  • Leball

    2010/01/22 at 11:50 am

    AWESOME!!! Congrats dooce! 🙂

  • Rena Gray

    2010/01/22 at 11:52 am

    Congratulations! How fab. I love HGTV.

  • gandhimom

    2010/01/22 at 11:54 am

    Congratulations and best of luck to you!(Will Maytag become a sponsor?)

  • allison

    2010/01/22 at 11:54 am

    How freaking exciting! Congratulations Heather!

  • Arielle Leipham

    2010/01/22 at 11:54 am


  • Lynn from For Love or Funny

    2010/01/22 at 11:56 am

    This is incredibly exciting! Can’t wait to see what you have cooking!

  • emmajames

    2010/01/22 at 11:58 am

    Congratulations, Heather! You continue to shatter the bar, and I watch in awe as the pieces land somewhere past Jupiter. What an inspiration. And what an awesome, fun challenge this will be for you. I look forward to watching it all unfold.

  • charisadee

    2010/01/22 at 11:58 am

    Congrats and Yea! So excited about this!

  • Sadandbeautiful

    2010/01/22 at 12:02 pm

    Wow wow wow and Meow!
    Congratulations, that is amazing news! Very happy for you…you deserve it.

  • Rebecca from Texas

    2010/01/22 at 12:02 pm

    Heather! That is so totally crazy awesome! You deserve all the best – what a tremendous next step – I can’t wait to see what you do next.

    Much love from Texas!

  • emmajames

    2010/01/22 at 12:03 pm

    Congratulations, Heather! You continue to shatter the bar, and I watch in awe as the pieces land somewhere past Jupiter. What an inspiration. And what an awesome, fun challenge this will be for you. I look forward to watching it all unfold.

  • Winniegirl

    2010/01/22 at 12:07 pm

    We are SO getting cable now….congratulations and much deserved.

  • missusclark

    2010/01/22 at 12:07 pm

    BOOM, baby! Great news! Wait…. I don’t have cable. We don’t have cable. We didn’t get it on purpose so the kids won’t veg in front of the toob all the time. Now what do I do?!? I’m gonna have to get cable and my kids brains are all gonna leak out their ears….

  • mdaby3

    2010/01/22 at 12:08 pm

    just one more reason to stay home and watch HGTV. This should be fun!

  • ker014

    2010/01/22 at 12:09 pm

    Congratulations! Can’t wait to watch you on HGTV!

  • jillian.k

    2010/01/22 at 12:10 pm

    Yay! Congrats. Can’t wait!

  • virtuallori

    2010/01/22 at 12:10 pm

    Congratulations! Can’t wait to see what you come up with.

  • catslye

    2010/01/22 at 12:15 pm

    Awesome, Awesome! NOW I will get cable.

  • floridagal73

    2010/01/22 at 12:15 pm

    Holy $hit Batman! Heather, that is awesome. I don’t watch much TV, but I will definitely tune in and listen to your crazy accent. Congrats!

  • scubajunk

    2010/01/22 at 12:16 pm


    Hahaha I had to use that again, it’s perfect.

    *announcer voice*
    Forged in the heat of Utah, Number 26 a stay-at-home Mom and Internationally renowned blogger…

    Heather (mother effin) B. Armstrong!

    Her vision would change the world.
    *announcer voice off*

  • houpley

    2010/01/22 at 12:16 pm

    it’s like chocolate in my peanut butter. DOOCETV awesomeness.

  • Monsoon

    2010/01/22 at 12:16 pm

    Yay Heather! I am so excited for you. I bet this means you are gonna be moving up from #26!
    Looking forward to seeing you on HGTV. But don’t let them in your bathroom… the hate mail might cancel your contract immediately.


  • Andrea Rayna

    2010/01/22 at 12:19 pm

    Holy Crappe’

    I haven’t had cable TV in 20+ years, but for a show with YOU, I might be willing to pay to have cable run to every room in the house….

    Thanks for always giving me a reason to smile.


  • i8cupcakes

    2010/01/22 at 12:24 pm

    Congrats!! Now if only Scripts and Cablevision would work out their dispute I could watch HGTV.
    Heather – is there any chance you can go Maytag on Scripts and get them to make a deal so I can get my HGTV (and food network) back please? I’d be eternally grateful.

  • kittyvicious

    2010/01/22 at 12:26 pm

    I read about this on the HGTV Facebook this morning. This is great! I can’t wait to see what sort of awesome things you bring to the table.

  • kittykye

    2010/01/22 at 12:27 pm

    I knew you’d eventually grow and make it big. Your progression from the little blog it once started as, to books, to a community. TV is the next huge step, and I think you deserve it. You’re going to be awesome.

  • valerie

    2010/01/22 at 12:29 pm

    WOW!! I’m so excited for you all and for the fans of dooce. This is going to sooooo make my year, your blog gets me through by reminding me to laugh (a lot) at the situations with my kids. I’m going to happy dance now…

  • MolDuf

    2010/01/22 at 12:33 pm

    Very excited for you! Can’t wait to see what you develop.

  • amwatkins

    2010/01/22 at 12:36 pm


    It could not have happened to a nicer (or crazier) person (and her very patient, loving, and equally crazy) family!!!

    Did I happen to mention- CONGRATS!

  • momdot

    2010/01/22 at 12:37 pm

    Wow, Heather, I’m so proud of you! What an inspiration you are to the rest of us with big dreams.

    Congrats, mommy!


  • chelsea plax

    2010/01/22 at 12:37 pm

    Dude that is freakin’ awesome – congratulations! Hopefully they will replace House Hunters with your show. Those people are just really weird and the houses are whacked too. congrats!!!

  • lisamo

    2010/01/22 at 12:38 pm

    I canNOT think of a better combo… two of my favorite things! Heather & HGTV. Awesome.

  • MustangSally

    2010/01/22 at 12:38 pm

    OMG OMG OMG I’m sitting here with tears of joy I’m so happy for you all! I’m seeing you as the Anthony Bourdain of H&G….

  • d3 voiceworks

    2010/01/22 at 12:39 pm

    as you know, there are fcc regulations against cussin’ and shit.

    fantastic news! i just emailed audrey offering my voiceover talents in case, ya know, the program needs a c00l, super pro intro or promo or heave ho (wait, that didn’t come out right.)

  • soozinsta

    2010/01/22 at 12:40 pm

    Delurking after several years to say congratulations! Can’t wait to see and hear more!

    Also my captcha at the bottom says “want tailpipe”. Dirty!

  • StrollerInTheCity

    2010/01/22 at 12:40 pm

    Woohoo! My favorite blogger on my favorite channel! Congrats!

  • Lift Kit

    2010/01/22 at 12:40 pm

    congratulations!! couldn’t happen to a better writer, blogger, style guru, etc…

    can’t wait to check it out!

  • Becca

    2010/01/22 at 12:45 pm

    HOLY HELL! this is awesome.

  • naturegrrrl

    2010/01/22 at 12:45 pm

    HUGE kudos and congrats to you! Clearly…the folks at HGTV recognize sheer talent when they see it.

  • MelissaJ

    2010/01/22 at 12:45 pm

    so…this will be just like knowing someone on TV!

    way cool and way to go!

    is it wrong i keep hearing the Beverly Hillbillies song…movie stars and swimming pools…LOL

  • BunchOfMalarkey

    2010/01/22 at 12:47 pm

    I’m so thrilled for you! I can’t wait to see the different ways that you are involved with HGTV – TV show?? The press release was kind of vague…either way, big congrats. Clearly this is a dream come true for you! xoxo

  • LeashWeCanDo

    2010/01/22 at 12:48 pm


  • britney

    2010/01/22 at 12:49 pm

    That is fantastic!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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