An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

An attempt to appreciate the weather

Friday night we drove up to the mountains to spend a few days snowboarding and roasting our toes by the fire. Friends asked if Leta was going to take lessons, and we’d say, yes, lessons for the SAT. I think if given the choice of putting on skis and staring down a mountain or being forced to eat something other than chicken nuggets, she’d give it a few days of thought and then go, FINE. I’LL TOUCH THE LETTUCE.

It’s been a glorious time because I think I have finally put together the logistics of the heel-to-toe maneuvers of snowboarding, and I was killing it! I was flying down the mountain, and it was one of those I GET WHY! moments (see above video). Where many times before I have thought to myself, snowboarding? Why would anyone pay to die? In the cold? With people pointing and laughing.

Jumping out of a plane over Hawaii. That’s the way to go out.

Or maybe asleep in a bed in Hawaii.


On the first day we were riding up a lift with two young skiers who mentioned they were visiting from Seattle. Jon asked one of them if he was attending the University of Washington, and the guy let out a tiny laugh and said, no, actually, he was just a sophomore in high school. I told him he seemed much more mature than that, and now that I think about it, oh no. Weird. Crazy old lady snowboarder just called him mature. Is there a more terrible word in our language? Moist, perhaps? Goiter? Nipple?

Toward the end of the ride Jon was joking that I should “try to shred that black diamond run,” and I explained that I’d rather “shred a potato” because “living to see tomorrow” was on my life list. And that sophomore that I had just grossly labeled mature said, “Is it really worth living to see tomorrow if you don’t take risks today?”

Oh, little buddy.

You special little buddy.

Did you really just say that to the crazy old lady snowboarder? The woman who is twice your age and has seen twice as much of life and just last year pushed an eight-pound baby out of her wee waw without an epidural? YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT RISKS? At least, that’s what I was thinking when Jon reached over and squeezed my knee in an effort to say DO NOT DO IT. WOMAN. HE DOES NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR WEE WAW.

So instead I just nodded and said GOOD POINT!


Fast forward to yesterday when three hours into the best day of snowboarding I’ve ever experienced the edge of my board caught the side of a mogul. And I thought I was gonna fly one way but instead flew in an entirely different direction. Head over feet over board, then smack down on my lower back, and finally my skull punched a hole in the ground. My goggles and hat flew five feet away from the scene. I’m sorry, but the whole thing called for some inappropriate groaning. Yes, that’s the horrible noise you heard yesterday.

Ski patrol showed up. UGH. See? Dying in the cold while mature sophomore boys fly by pointing at my cracked skull. Moist, mature little buddies with nipples.

About twenty minutes after getting my wits about me and making sure I could move all my fingers and toes, I took Jon’s advice and decided to get back on the board and ride all the way down. To face the fear of it. I won’t lie, I was scared. Scared and sore and not sure if I would ever be able to sit down again, my back was so screwed up. But I did it, and after getting down to the bottom of the hill, I set down my board, threw my hands in the air, and yelled HOW’S THEM APPLES, LITTLE BUDDY.


  • red is a neutral

    Two words: Natasha Richardson.

  • AbbyinMA

    Yay for wearing a helmet next time!! They are definitely well worth the money! Just make sure you buy a new one after any accidents where ya hit your head… apparently even ones where you don’t feel like it was “that bad.” Of course, I didn’t find that info out myself until AFTER I got a severe concussion while wearing mine. Oops.

    Good for you for being brave and going down that mountain again afterward! I just finally got rid of my snowboarding gear last year since I’ve decided I’m never making it up a mountain again since I had a huge accident when I was 19. While I’ve had some pretty big crashes before, this was the DUMBEST accident ever (got knocked down by a friend while getting off the lift at the top) and I ended up paralyzed for about 6 hours for unknown reasons (could feel everything but move NOTHING below my chin). I figure that if I’m so special that I can’t even handle getting off the lift then I probably shouldn’t keep tempting fate & trees by going down the runs! =)

    Glad you’re okay and no lasting effects!!

  • workroom

    well, you can be happy about getting old… I hear moist is no longer an issue.

    ; P

    and OMG you aren’t the valedictorian of snowboarding!!11!1111!!!!

  • holly8615

    I am 38 and have been skiing for 33 years. I started wearing a helmet just this year because of a horrible accident I saw on the hill last year. Gives me shivers just to think about it. It involved an ambulance ride down the canyon and I’ve always wondered if she came out of it okay.

    Also, I’m surprised that no one has brought up the word PUSS. That word makes me dry heave.

  • Daddy Scratches

    As someone who almost killed his damn self on a snowboard last winter, I, too, endorse helmets.

    Because, at best, I’d be sitting here with a drool cup and typing this comment by blinking and blowing into a straw.

  • Daily Cup of Jo

    “Moist”? “Wee waw”? Yeah, it doesn’t get any better than Dooce. Utah sure looks better than the local skiing around here.

  • julieg4


  • mollygolightly

    “Morsel” is the worst word in the English language. It goes a step past “moist” and is just dirty-sounding.

  • Jalima

    I would love to try that! Go Heather!

    Yeah, after I gave birth without meds to my twin daughters(IN TWO AN A HALF HOURS, WHOOT!) hubby had to rein me in a few times too.

    I can still remember my BIL’s face when I told him if I could birth twins VAGINALLY I could do ANYTHING! I should have thrown MOIST in there too, and maybe some DISCHARGE 😉

    For a second there I thought the girl in pink was Leta blowing your mind.

  • apostate

    By the time February rolls around every year, I’ve had a few months to really get to loathe Utard.
    Ironically, the only time I’ve ever been skiing was on a church trip where we all drove from Vegas.

    Glad you had fun. I can’t do it. I feel like it would be letting Utard win.

  • JaHoolia

    I “successfully” went snowboarding for the first time January 1. I definitely made it down the hill for a few hours but not without many, many falls.

    All I remember now is how HORRIBLE the pain was about 1-2 days after snowboarding. Where the HELL did those muscles come from!?!?!? Things hurt I never even knew existed.

    I hope you are not feeling the same way. I give you at A+ for making it down the hill. Falls & all.


    Yum, apples. What was that about snowboarding?

  • Mama M.

    Well, old lady…you’re still cooler than me.

    The only way I’d get down a mountain on a snowboard is if I was sitting on it, toboggan style.

  • HDADDiva


    Stoked for you and your new found courage to make it down the mountain with a piece of wood strapped to your feet. I don’t see many women on the mountain like us. And the good news is it gets easier every time you go now that you’re over the hump.

    Rule #1: Your snowboard is only happy on an edge. If you don’t pick an edge, it will pick one for you. Likely the wrong edge, which can result in you being slammed into the mountain like a lawn dart, as you now know. So pick an edge.

    Snowboarding is my bliss… my happy place… and substitutes as my therapy session. Everything is better on the mountain.

    I’d love to ride with you someday. I’ll take you all the best runs (betcha didn’t see Video Game…) and even show you the best burger shack in town.

    Ride like a Girl!!

  • karafern

    I used to teach ski school at Breckenridge. Thanks for not forcing Leta to “JUST TRY IT!!!” I can’t tell you how many Letas I had to drag kicking and screaming back down to the lodge.

  • Ray1987

    Great photos. You effen’ rock Heather! I would have been so scared. LOL. ;o)

  • Amanda Grace

    That gloves and hat and goggles flying all over the mountain, limbs flailing cartwheel avalanche thing that you did? We call that Yard Sale. As in, get your effects soon or your goggles and gloves will soon have new owners. The first time I went snowboarding, my back edge caught and I slammed my tailbone and head so hard on the icy slope I was seeing stars for a few minutes. I have since learned to not catch my heel edge!

    Good for you for getting stoked and seeing that beautiful, sweeping moment of “why” snowboarding is so awesome, and for getting back into it after you fell!

  • xuxu

    Panties can be bad.

    Here in France I just saw an article decrying
    a man who has been randomly attacking women
    by pulling at their “petite culottes” which
    translates as “little panties.”

    Where are the big panties??

    My beloved just looked at me confused
    when I asked why the adjective addition.


    Other sad words: drizzle and uterus


  • s.waters

    i noticed one woman was compelled to join today because she was upset you weren’t wearing a helmet, well, lots of people were. I didn’t even notice that, sorry. I did notice the mcdonalds ads and thought that was a bummer. Can’t you get smaller companies to support you – thanks.

  • ninesandquines

    i am so with everyone else on the helmet thing – and saw that you promise to wear one going forward.

    what i find hysterical is that HOW did we LIVE to be as old as we are before wearing helmets became the norm??? i grew up skiing, biking, and horseback riding – never never never had a head injury from a skiing accident (and there were many) or biking or riding and never even heard of a head injury while skiing (many bike riding and horseback riding) unless someone hit a tree while being a moron…..and now? i wouldn’t think of putting on skis without a helmet – only because of what happened to natasha richardson last year. even though for about five years i haven’t gotten on my horse without a helmet on…

    and i TOTALLY thought that little girl in front of you was leta and i was all like “YEAH LETA!!!! YOU GO!!!!” but i’m assuming that that so wasn’t leta….

  • i8cupcakes

    I’m so glad I’m not the only person who abhors the word MOIST.
    It makes me cringe just to say it.

  • Zerojet

    I LOVE that your post mentions chicken nuggets and then you have an eyebrow banner that is for McD’s chicken nuggets. was that planned? if so, you are my web design/SEO/well placed ad hero. ♥

  • Parsing Nonsense

    Ouch! Glad nothing’s broken, and good on you for making it back down the mountain!

  • Erin Z

    I feel your pain! I had a very similar fall snowboarding one season. I caught my front edge and fell forward falling on and dislocating my shoulder but the sheer force of it all continued to flip me forward so I landed on my butt, broke my tailbone and jammed my shoulder back in to place. It was EPIC! (*shingles hands*)

    Not epic? Having to fly to Europe on that broken tailbone.

  • AJS721

    GREAT video! Nice job Heather! I have been dying to snowboard which probably means I have been dying to faceplant over and over into snow.

    Maybe I should see my therapist about that.

    Just finished your book and L-O-V-E-D it. Literally laughed out loud at every other page, if not every page. Then would read it to my husband and demanded he agree with me that you are HILARIOUS.

  • kellybelly

    You’ve more balls than I!!!!

    off subject- I am excited for your new show!

  • CataclysmicStar

    I keep thinking that someday, maybe, eventually I’ll be brave enough to happen to be somewhere snowy and in possession of a pair of skis or something at the same time. Because why not? Other, of course, than the fact that a grossly overweight woman with absolutely no sense of balance and an extreme fear of moving at a rapid speed would probably end up quite dead at the end of the slope.
    Plus, you looked far more badass than I would.

    PS Moist crunchy little buddy nipples.

    PPS Eww, one of the words on my reCaptcha is “gushiest”.

  • ddicorcia

    Helmets are good! Cool that you have no ‘ I am not going to do this because I can break every bone in my body’ fear. I am too frickin scared.

  • Sadie923



    Seriously. I just started wearing one this year, and it’s so nice and warm and cozy… AND your brain is a valuable commodity, my friend.

  • d3 voiceworks

    three words of advice: try skiing.

    hey, i know! helmet. don’t think anyone’s mentioned that yet.

  • Senora H-B

    ewwww…….moist…….retch, retch, retch. There is really no other word so disgusting.

  • jbsaunders76

    I’ve been reading your website for almost 2 years I think. This is the first time I felt compelled to write a comment:


    That’s it…all I wanted to say. I’m not a ninny, but sh*t happens….and your kids want you around. Get a helmut. They are warm, more comfortable than hats, and you don’t have to die snow boarding if you are wearing one 🙂

  • jaclyngelb

    Hi Heather. I’m the lady/fan who sat behind you on the Dr. Phil Show. Two things: my daughter who is 9 LOVES your blog (nothing more shocking than our very own household) and she saw the video and insists it was shot on Snowdancer at the Canyons. I think she may be right – please throw her a bone and let us know if that’s right. Second, after 20 years of skiing at seriously high speeds, my loved ones succeeded in getting me to try a helmet (I was VERY RESISTANT). I never looked back. It is warmer and frankly more comfortable than a hat – I KNOW, but true – and I don’t feel like an asshole anymore, taking my life into my own hands for my fun sport. It only takes one fall, a small one at that (Hello Natasha Richardson). You have kids girl, and an awesome future to inhabit. And trust me, I look just as cute in my rad white helmet…

  • jan001

    One look at that video and my knees burst into derisive laughter and snorted out something that sounded like, “Yeah, you go ahead and try that, sister.”

    Also? Most disgusting word in the English language? Smegma. Look it up. It sounds suitably gross for what it means. Definitely not dinnertime conversation.

  • just jill…

    You’re a rockstar on the slopes…

    My “no-no” word is pus… as in festering pus!

  • AmyMusings

    Mucous plug. But that’s two words.

    When my son and I went snowboarding, at 40, I was the oldest person on a snowboard. My then 8-year old was teaching me how. He waited at the bottom of the slope and said, “I thought you were never coming out of those woods!”

    I had one of those snowboards that liked the woods. Magnetically drawn to them. I rented the wrong type. I didn’t know you could ask for the kind that just stayed ON the slope.

    I saw an ad for you on HGTV!!!!!!!!!!! What time? What day??

  • red is a neutral


    Corn is a bad word.

    And so is succulent.

  • They made me choose a username

    I have a question for the helmet-promoters: Is that just for snowboarding, or also for downhill skiing? My husband’s taking my kids skiing for the first time tomorrow and I didn’t even know about the possibility of helmets. Will they provide them at the ski rental?

  • They made me choose a username

    Okay so I read the rest of the comments and answered my question–except the part about whether they’ll have helmets at the rental. Fingers crossed.

  • Lee-AnneTwinMom

    Heather I logged in today full of moral outrage after seeing the video of you snowboarding with NO HELMET!!!! But I see I’m not the only one and that you have promised to remedy this next time. You have 2 (TWO!!!!) kids who need you, brain intact. Please follow through on your promise. If you need more convincing google Natasha Richardson.
    With caring and affection! xo

  • Lee-AnneTwinMom

    @They made me ch… And YES you definitely need helmets for skiing – especially for children. Kids and grown ups DIE every year from head injuries from skiing and snowboarding. Don’t leave it up the rental place!! Buy them or rent but do not let your chilren ski without them – No ski families with half a brain ski without helmets anymore 🙂

  • paminmi

    Back in my day, snowboards weren’t around so I gave skiing a try. You know those cartoon skiers that look like a snowball rolling down a hill? That was me. No helmets in those days and luckily, in my youth, no broken bones either. Wouldn’t even dream of trying now.

    Kudos to you for coordination and a resilient body!

    And my most unfavorite word? Piccalilli. For those who don’t know what it is, check the wiki, you’ll see an utterly disgusting picture that goes with it perfectly. Though I have detested this word my entire life, I do enjoy an occasional spoon of dill relish on a hot dog.

    Another? Booger. Give me snot any day.

  • UpNorthDee

    ‘panties’ – eeeeeek
    ‘irregardless’ – ugggghhh. I moved to a small town and thought it was unique to this area. REALLY? YOU HAVE TO ENDURE THIS TOO? I would never have guessed it spread beyond the borders of this town.

  • Curiosity

    Oh, I totally cannot wait to turn to someone in mild skepticism, and respond to them with

    “Really? You seemed so much more moist than that.”

    For some reason, in saying this I picture myself as an older, tweed-wearing British man. Has just the right air of pretentious judgment, I think.

    (No offense to aged, tweed-clothed males. Really.)

  • Maurina

    Heather, I know this comment thread has pretty much turned into Helmet Harangue.


    I never, ever thought about it until Natasha Richardson, and during the same year my friend’s 7 year old had a similar, minor fall and thankfully was airlifted to the hospital to be checked out, where they had to do emergency surgery for a subdural hematoma.

    Yes, I’m doing it – trying to scare the shit out of you so you’ll buy some helmets. That’s cuz I care, dammit!! Be safe and have fun!!!!

  • MsWonka

    HA! I used to live in Alaska for SIX long years. I HATED the snow and still hate it, however, snowboarding looks like a fun family time together.

    Great video angle and you the camera person didn’t fall down. HAHAHAHA!!!


  • hibabette

    long time reader first time commenter, and i cant believe im wasting it on a damn public health message:

    traumatic brain injuries are less cool than helmets.

    check these out:

  • TheMommyVan

    Two words for ya Heather… HEL-MET.

    Uncool? Perhaps. But having one close brush where I flew off a trail and my head sailed millimeters by a steel, snowblowing pole convinced me. Of course, two years later, when I had my first kid, I was glad to have it too.

    And… added bonus… it keeps your head pretty damn warm and if you get one of those head sock thingies for underneath… even better. Stick a baseball cap in your jacket pocket and apres ski, you’ll look cool once again. And.. your goggles will snap onto the helmet so you don’t have a yard sale the next time you crash.

    SLACKS is the grossest word ever. Say it out loud a few times. Say it and drag the ‘A’ sound out. ‘Slaaaaaaaacks.’ ‘MOIST’ is a close second. Now say ‘My SLAAAAACKS are MOIST.’ You’ll be converted. You’re welcome.

  • EvilJulie

    We went snowboarding this weekend for the second time in my life, the first being a year ago when I took one lesson and then my boyfriend (a decent skier) was all “Come up on the mountain with me!” and I side-slipped the whole way down and landed on my ass 80 times.

    This year I took two lessons in one day, and halfway through that second lesson when I finally had a grasp on toe-side turns, I got why people snowboard and it was brilliant. And then I fell down about five more times and decided that if I wanted to walk the next day, I should quit while I was ahead. I had also managed to hyperextend my thumb on the bunny slope, and while me boyfriend was telling me to walk it off, the next day when I couldn’t pick things up and looked like a T. Rex because my arms were pulled up against my chest from all the times I had pushed myself off of the ground, I was grateful.

    All this is basically to say “I understand totally.”

  • reneewvu

    Wow, Heather… there sure seems to be a lot of people on here that think they are your mother.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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