An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Featured community question with accompanying warning:


Today’s featured question comes from user maylu:

Anyone ever heard of a keloid? Basically, I scar outward. Meaning, there are several places on my body where it looks like I have grown an extra limb, one in particular on my right shin that has sprouted its own nose hairs. When people see it and begin to recoil I’m quick to say, hey! Don’t be scared! That’s just Larry. He minds his own business.

What. Am I the only one who names her scars? Shut up. YOU DO TOO.

I’ve got Larry on my shin, Roberta on my forehead, and Ed on my shoulder. Since I’m stuck with them, I thought, well, might as well make them feel as welcome as possible. Come on in! Take off your shoes! And Larry got so comfortable that he started to walk around the house without his pants on. I had to stop him when he started to itch his crotch in front of my mom!

Since I’ve had two basal cell carcinomas removed from my left shoulder and regularly see a dermatologist, I met a doctor at the clinic who prided himself on “fixing” any keloid he came in contact with. Turns out you can sometimes stop the outward movement of a scar with steroids. And I was all, steroids? And he was all, STEROIDS. And I was all, please don’t tell me that this means I’m going to have to start shaving my mustache. Ugh. Jon does not like sharing his razor.

Turns out that this doctor had met his match in Larry, and no amount of tinkering could kick his butt out the front door. In fact, he referred to it as “some keloid,” as in, “WOW. THAT IS SOME KELOID YOU’VE GOT THERE.” And I was like, are you serious? You mean I have the valedictorian of keloids? Really? Sir, this wasn’t exactly a bullet point I had on my life list.

But there you go. Now it’s right up there with having my bikini waxer go, dude, you’re going to need a bigger boat.

  • moonware

    You make me laugh…I love that! Hilarious post. I also form keloids. I have had several moles removed from my torso area, and I look like I have small puffy disks attached to my skin. Interestingly they seem to have flattened out some as I have aged. My keloids don’t hold a candle to Larry though!

  • rebelmeyer

    I’ve got two 7-inch scars on my neck, one along each side. They are from surgery I had when I was 13 to remove aneurysms in both my carotid arteries caused by an autoimmune disease.

    Most of the time people I don’t know aren’t so bold as to ask me what happened, but every so often somebody will. My favorite answer has always been that I was born with three heads and the doctors thought I’d better have two of them removed so I wouldn’t get teased on the playground. But with the recent resurgence in popularity of a certain type of mythical creature, my new favorite explanation is that I had a run-in with a couple of really sloppy vampires.

  • BargainBex

    BooBooGaLoo – Hm. Stella. I like it. I like it a lot 🙂 Thanks for the suggestion!

  • amazonsvotegop

    as a 26 year old with more surgeries than a typical 80 year old under her belt, i’ve got a few. my favorite is the one from my 5 lower back surgeries. It just kept getting re-opened and longer and wider.

    makes it look like i’m showing butt crack when, in fact, it is actually only my back because i don’t wear pants low enough to show my actual crack. but it does look now like my crack is about 9 inches longer than typical. i just tell people i had cosmetic surgery, the longer my crack is the smaller my butt looks. “crack lengthening”

    the one that bothers me is the 6 inch vertical one between my belly button and nether regions. Not because of the way it looks, but because it actually hurts at the end of a day wearing jeans.

  • SassySuds

    I have an eight inch scar on my left forearm from a pretty complicated surgery including the addition of hardware and screws. I just tell everyone it’s a shark bite…and that they should see what I did to the shark. I alternate that story with one about a knife fight in a biker bar. When my bandages came off, I had lines of surgical marker showing where to align the skin. They looked exactly like giant stitch marks across my whole incision. This was a couple of days before Halloween, so I just went with it until the marker wore off.

    I had my four inch by half inch piece of hardware removed along with its seven screws. Wanna see them?

    I also have various puncture wounds from abdominal and shoulder laparoscopies and laparotomies, and well hidden bilateral carpal tunnel surgeries. Oh, and the c-section scar, too. They aren’t as visible, but I don’t mind the belly scars. They’re how I got my kids.

  • frdncer

    My husband is a burn survivor, with 3rd degree burns over 40% of his body. Luckily (I suppose) for him, it did not get his face – only a teeny tiny bit near his chin. But his hands, arms, neck, upper chest and the underside of his chin were pretty horribly affected. Additionally, he has many skin graft scars from where they took the healthy tissue to graft. He was in the burn unit for over 6 weeks with years of outpatient surgeries and pressure garments(that’s a weird looking word). He had to undergo a lot of mandatory therapy and psychological testing before he even got out of the hospital. When I met him, over 10 years after the burn, he was pretty shy and wore a lot of long sleeved shirts and would hide the one finger that is missing a tip. But, the truth is, I love his scars! It’s almost like that’s how he was born, if that makes sense. I love his hands with all their bumps and grooves and grafts and wouldn’t trade them for anything. It’s what makes him who he is, it molded him into the person I love. I love how soft the scars on his elbows are, even though he hates them. I love the little keloid looking ones on his chest that you have to almost look twice to see. No more hiding for him! So – I guess my point is this, scars can tell our stories and if you get too down thinking about your small scars, just think how much worse it can be.

  • LuckyMama

    I can’t say that my scars are growing….nor have I named them! I have always been a bit of a klutz so I have more scars than I dare count. I couldn’t be a hand nor a knee model…are there knee models?

    I have a large scar on my right forearm. I was burned at 6 months old and my arm from the elbow to the pinky was completely scarred. As I grew, it didn’t. When I was younger the scar bothered me because it had dark spots in it (like any burn scar would) and it covered most of my arm. Now as an adult it doesn’t bother me, in fact most people don’t even notice it…and I forget it’s even there. The scar is the size of my arm at 6 months…so it’s actually interesting to see the size difference.

    I’ve managed to scar the scar several times. There isn’t any feeling in the scar so if I lean on something hot I don’t feel it until the other areas on my arm get hot.

  • Dirse

    GreenAntler, you may not have to worry too much about your daughter having negative feelings concerning her scars. I don’t know how bad they are or will be, but I was in a traumatic accident when I was 6 and have a few really bad scars from it, but I don’t think anything of them. I got them before I cared about my own appearance, before I even had a clear picture of how I looked at the time. They’re in a place that’s always covered by clothing, so I didn’t have to worry about stares or comments from others. Your daughter sounds like she might be in a similar sort of situation, so I hope she’s also able to easily incorporate the scars into her self-image.

  • jesskeylon

    funny, I once had a unidentified mass resting on my aortic arch named Larry. He had a hat and boots, and spoke with 40’s New York accent.

    He was benign, thank goodness, but I still miss him.

    You should give your Larry and his friends a face we can all get to know.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane!

  • Bella-Sweet

    I had my first heart surgery at age 17..followed by 2 more and another upcoming one this year..sooooo

    Yeah, I have the scar thing covered haha

    I used to be self-conscious about it but then I realized that scar helped to keep me alive.

    So for my senior prom, I slapped a bunch of crystals on the scar and rocked that strapless dress 🙂

  • daniloper

    very good, I have the scar thing covered hahahahahahahaha

  • Madalina

    hahaha! Too funny about Larry! 🙂

  • strawberrygoldie


    Ugh. I scar this way, too.

    When I was five, I ran through the front door. Put my hand out to open the door, little hand slipped off the handle, and…oh. Oh, the blood.

    40 stitches, wrist to elbow.

    And it feels so WEIRD when people touch it. I can’t stand it. It makes my hair stand up. It makes me want to scream just thinking about it.

  • rmorris237

    Nobody has remarked on the Wikipedia entry for “keloid” that refers to a certain treatment being used if someone is “a known keloid former.” I should put that on my business card, just in case people miss the funky, misshapen keloid on my shoulder (which is bigger and less attractive than the mole it replaced, but is definitively cancer-free).

    — a known keloid former

  • anonymustly

    No keloiding here, but I am disturbed by the way my scars have all lost the ability to even attempt to take on the color of the skin around it. Scars that have been unnoticeable for years are losing their melanin at an alarming rate and now every single cat scratch I’ve ever received is making the back of my hands look like a spider-web.

  • crownofstorms

    I’m just wondering how this question got tagged under “rude questions”. I mean… really? Asking about peoples’ scars is rude? If you ran up to someone on the street and demanded to know where their scar came from, yeah… that’d be pretty rude. But asking in a large community of people, where each individual has the option to share their story or keep quiet? Come on, now!

  • xuxu

    My flower of intestines twisted
    when I was 24 and I almost
    died, but was saved by a group
    of doctors who shaved me down and
    cut me open … leaving a lovely
    foot long scar from above
    my navel to below the ole pubic

    ps: ever noticed how you and your
    beloved look alike?


  • defmid6

    Well when your mother nicknames you “scar girl” you know you have a problem. I’ve got a 12 inch surgical scar on my stomach. Plus, its new little friend, a 3 inch scar from an unfortunate encounter with a wine bottle. With that is an inch-length scar on my wrist from the same accident. That is always fun when people look at you and say “it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Not to mention the kind of painful scar on my scalp from my last camping experience. The kicker? All keloid!

    I named the 12 inch scar “Harold” because if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

  • Amy Lynne

    I blame you really. You don’t start your blog with a sentence urging your readers NOT to Google Image scars and not expect us to do exactly just that! That’s like saying, “Dude, don’t even think about seeing how far you can stick a straw down your throat!” because that is the FIRST thing I am going to do! Yeah, I am that kinda person!

    So I Google Image “keloid”. Keloid instead of scar because I am a little on the rebellious side, but . . .now I have images in my head I will only be able to erase with prescriptive meds.

    You and your gang are cool. Have a great week, y’all!

  • Nytro21

    I have a keloid on my chest… just a little below my collar bone. It looks like I’ve been shot and it’s healed poorly. Sucks.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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