An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Next up, blood-thirsty bunnies

Marlo is officially down to two naps. For those of you who do not have children, that first sentence will mean nothing to you. For those of you who do, you probably just experienced an instinctual pain in your chest at the memory of what it means to plan your life around your baby’s sleep schedule. Or is that just me? I can’t be the only one who has run outside and verbally berated the garbage truck driver for disturbing a nap, THERE GOES THE REST OF MY DAY.

Garbage truck diver, snow plower, mail carrier… all have been informed at one time or another of Marlo’s sleep schedule. It goes like this: when Marlo’s asleep, no one is allowed to breathe. The end.

You don’t want that crazy, short-haired Southern lady who looks like an eight-year-old boy running out into the street in her bare feet. She may be liberal, but she’s related to people who own guns.

And just this week we’ve managed to manipulate her schedule so that she’s sleeping in until 6:30 AM. Do you have any idea how indulgent this feels, to sleep in so late? No, you don’t understand. It like we’re fifteen years old, and suddenly the prophet has declared that pre-marital sex is totally okay.

I guess I should say, that one time we slept in so late since our other child has decided that days now begin at 5 AM. Read that again: FIVE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING. You want to know why? Because she thinks a leprechaun is tapping on her window.

I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence.

I mean, I can understand a fear of spiders or earthquakes or rats that are big enough to eat your face off. But, little green dudes? If anything you want them at your party because they can hold their liquor. Also, don’t they all come with marshmallows?

And, I don’t remember ever talking to her about leprechauns, so I’m guessing this is one of those rotten things she picked up at school, like addition and subtraction. And what do you know, IT IS. Turns out one has been coming into their classroom and leaving notes in the days leading up to St. Patrick’s Day. And this afternoon when I told her teacher about this early-morning tapping leprechaun, she said with a gleam in her eye, “Oh yes, he’d be tapping, for sure. They’re cobblers, you know.”

HAHA! I’m laughing because, that is just so damn brilliant. They have to deal with our kids all day long, and oh no. Is your kid waking up early? How sad for you who get to send them AWAY ALL DAY. It’s like, if I’m going to blame the teacher for the leprechaun, she’s more than happy to break out her fifty-page, single-spaced document of quirks she’d like explained, thank you very much.

Well played, elementary school teachers. Well played.

  • cdpeterson

    Ok…I’ve just realized through all the comments that either A.) my parental skills suck or B.) my child is totally abnormal. My 3 almost 4 yr old wakes up usually around 2 am-crawls into bed with us, then is up at 4 am asking if it’s daytime yet & can she watch sprout. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ My child is also afraid of everything under the sun & we have figured out that letting her “spray the monster spray” (FABREEZE BOTTLE WITH WATER) all over her room & any other room-makes her not so afraid to sleep in her room.

  • cashmere4cotton

    I joined just so I could publicly kvetch about our douchey UPS guy who likes to deliver packages, yes, you guessed it, exactly in the middle of nap time. And can he just leave the dang packages on the porch? Oh, hellz no…he has to ring the bell AND knock and then comment on insert-thing-that-is-none-of-his-business-here while I am signing for a package THAT DOESN’T NEED TO BE SIGNED FOR. That douche. So I started putting up a sign next to the door: Do not knock or ring bell. Baby sleeping. Take that, troll man baby waker upper guy!

  • FlushedFace

    I developed my fear of Leprechauns when, at 5 years old, I saw the Disney movie “Darby O’Gill and the Little People”. NEVER SHOW YOUR 5 YEAR OLD THAT MOVIE!

  • ddicorcia

    forgot..finally updated

  • ddicorcia

    forgot..finally updated

  • eleel

    ahhhh…sleep!!! we just started the “sleep lady shuffle” and no longer allow the 8 month old out of the crib before 6 am. 6:30 = HEAVEN.

  • aflicker

    Sleep, what’s that? And now with day light savings, naps are going to get messed up again, agh. The worst is when you’ve even gone as far as to post a no soliciting sign and someone still has the nerve to knock on your door, causing the dog to bark, and thus waking the baby.

  • Jalima

    When we moved to our current home my kids were all still nappers in one shape or form (son one a day, daughters 2). Well wouldn’t you know the back yard of our house faced a middle school! With a marching band! That had different classes practicing at different points of the day! Outside! Crimey, it was brutal but eventually the kids got used to it..

    How enjoyable it was to have my oldest reach said middle school and be able to tell band teacher the havoc he brought to my household during those early days. Luckily he was a nice guy and I could laugh about it. Finally.

    Because at one point I wanted to strangle his freaking neck… BIG TIME. And throw big rocks through the band room window. And deflate all of his tires and put water in his gas tank.

  • moonware

    As a Kindergarten teacher, I am laughing so hard I’m crying.

  • cyndmarie

    Yep, my daughter thinks 5 am or so is a great time to wake up!! I hate when the gardner comes in the middle of my daughter sleeping. She is a horrible napper, she thinks she is way too good for naps. I am always tempted to go and yell, but I don’t…maybe I should!!

  • ChrisMoose

    Ya know… it would be to the benefit of your kids (all who have posted, including Heather) to continue your normal activities while the kids nap. That way they will learn to sleep through anything and will not be bothered by strange noises on that first sleep-over or out-of-town trip, etc. My mom used to run the vacuum cleaner, do dishes, watch TV, whatever. That auditory training allowed me to sleep thru EVERYTHING!!! Phones, pagers, noisy college roommates, street noise, you name it. Keeping the house ultra-quiet is a disservice to you child.

    My $0.02 only… worth just about that….

  • triplets of terror

    Nap time is indeed sacred…we have one year old triplets who are down to two naps a day. The middle trip doesn’t like to sleep in a bed (wants to be held the entire time) so a couple of months ago I took to driving them in the car for both naps. I don’t get much done in the house but I’m not trapped beneath a hot sweaty baby (who I love v. much) and I get a chance to see what’s new around town. I desperately love my babies but is it so wrong to be excited about them going to pre-school in 3 1/2 years?????

  • KristinFarns

    I am living this RIGHT NOW- That damn leprechaun is not only knocking over trash at our house but he moves and drops all my daughters toys and random change. WHY because for some reason he left notes and destroyed the 1st grade rooms last week.. EVIL teachers.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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