the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Featured community question that will have everyone sniffing their armpits

Today’s featured question comes from user musickatt:

Last week Leta spent a weekend night with my mom, and when we picked her up my mother just snickered like a witch. I’m used to this, and it’s always followed by something like, “I fed her ice cream for breakfast,” or, “I let her stay up until 2AM,” or, “Did you know how much she loves Diet Coke?!” Grandparents are evil and the source of all pain in the world. And they take great pride in this.

Turns out this time Leta had let slip a secret, I guess. My mom had told Leta to go play while she took a shower, and Leta asked why she showered so much. My mom said that everyone showers every day, and Leta was all, what are you talking about? I don’t think I’ve ever seen my parents step foot in the tub! Right. And we pick our noses and wipe our mouths on our shirts and enjoy fondling farm animals.

Now, I don’t shower every day. No. Neither does Jon. I try to make a habit of showering at least every other day, but sometimes that doesn’t happen either. It all depends on my workout schedule, whether or not I need to dress up for something, and Jon’s reaction when I sit very close to him. If he recoils, I estimate I could go at least another day.

Leta doesn’t ever see us take showers because she’s usually at school or in bed when we do so. It’s a byproduct from working at home, I think. I mean, at the beginning of the school year I’d always have my fancy on when dropping her off at school because I wanted to make the best impression I could, but now? All the other parents have seen my bed head and the crust in my eyes. If I showed up with make-up on they would think someone was kidnapping Leta.

And on those rare occasions when I do pick her up after having showered, she gets really excited thinking that Mommy and Daddy are going somewhere for the night, and now someone really cool is going to put her to bed!

So now my showering habits are all about managing expectations. If I show up clean, there had better be a surprise coming! Yes, Leta. The surprise is that your bedtime routine is getting cut short tonight, because Daddy showered, too. If you know what I’m saying. HEY-OOOH!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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