An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Featured community question that will have everyone sniffing their armpits

Today’s featured question comes from user musickatt:

Last week Leta spent a weekend night with my mom, and when we picked her up my mother just snickered like a witch. I’m used to this, and it’s always followed by something like, “I fed her ice cream for breakfast,” or, “I let her stay up until 2AM,” or, “Did you know how much she loves Diet Coke?!” Grandparents are evil and the source of all pain in the world. And they take great pride in this.

Turns out this time Leta had let slip a secret, I guess. My mom had told Leta to go play while she took a shower, and Leta asked why she showered so much. My mom said that everyone showers every day, and Leta was all, what are you talking about? I don’t think I’ve ever seen my parents step foot in the tub! Right. And we pick our noses and wipe our mouths on our shirts and enjoy fondling farm animals.

Now, I don’t shower every day. No. Neither does Jon. I try to make a habit of showering at least every other day, but sometimes that doesn’t happen either. It all depends on my workout schedule, whether or not I need to dress up for something, and Jon’s reaction when I sit very close to him. If he recoils, I estimate I could go at least another day.

Leta doesn’t ever see us take showers because she’s usually at school or in bed when we do so. It’s a byproduct from working at home, I think. I mean, at the beginning of the school year I’d always have my fancy on when dropping her off at school because I wanted to make the best impression I could, but now? All the other parents have seen my bed head and the crust in my eyes. If I showed up with make-up on they would think someone was kidnapping Leta.

And on those rare occasions when I do pick her up after having showered, she gets really excited thinking that Mommy and Daddy are going somewhere for the night, and now someone really cool is going to put her to bed!

So now my showering habits are all about managing expectations. If I show up clean, there had better be a surprise coming! Yes, Leta. The surprise is that your bedtime routine is getting cut short tonight, because Daddy showered, too. If you know what I’m saying. HEY-OOOH!

  • lisdom

    Ok…just b/c nobody’s told me I stink doesn’t mean I stink. My husband doesn’t shower every day, and he never stinks. All you people who shower all the time are crazy, and are wasting a ton of water. You really won’t smell if you go a few days. Promise. You’re all paranoid about smelling. It’s a really rare occasion that someone actually smells bad due to not showering, and those people, it’s pretty obvious by the way that they look or their lifestyles that they aren’t actually able to shower very often or choose not to. I guarantee you live among tons of people who don’t shower daily and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

  • nyrican67

    well just because you dont stink doesnt mean you are clean either. and its not just a matter of stinking…like i said if you can smell yourself its ready gone too long. maybe your husband DOES stink but you are so used to it you dont smell it. or maybe your own funk overpowers it. I have a coworker who stinks really bad. i thought maybe he has some kind of body odor issue but maybe he just doesnt shower. and maybe his wife doesnt smell him or else she would say something to him. Why not choose a more sanitary way of saving the universe instead of sacrificing a daily 5 minute shower?
    It always struck me as odd that the Germans work up such a sweat and wasted SO MUCH WATER scrubbing the streets and sidewalks every single day, twice a day, but didnt wash their behinds but twice a week. but i guess that wouldnt sound ridiculous to some. to each his own i guess. i may be walking among the unshowered and unsanitary, but they dont follow me home.

  • SomeSayIce

    Oh wow. I feel like a complete freak.

    The last time I remember not showering at least once a day was when I went to camp in the summer before 6th grade. I was there for 3 weeks and I think I took 1 or 2 showers the whole time (because of the communal shower).

    Sometime after that, I developed an obsession with being clean. On normal days I take at least one shower. If I do anything that causes me to break a sweat, then I take another shower. Finding an appropriate time to work out has always been a challenge because of my no-sweat rule. I see people walking during their lunch break and it totally makes me cringe because I know that they’re probably not showering when they get back to work. THE HORROR!!!

    We just moved and the A/C in our new house stopped working 4 days ago. I have literally taken 3 showers a day since then.

  • chasethefirefly

    SomeSaylce – you’re not alone! I have the same issues with working out, sweating and showers. I have to take a shower every morning, before anything else, or I can’t function and definitely another shower after any sort of workout.

    I’ve always been this way. I remember going to the beach with my family when I was around 7 years old. When we returned home, way past our normal bedtime, I remember begging my mom to let me take a shower before going to bed because I couldn’t sleep with all that salt and smoke on my body. LOL!

    For me it has nothing to do with whether or not I’m going to mingle with other people. I am home all day and work from home at night. My husband works from home also and he takes a shower every morning and also after his workout at night.

  • misssurly

    Usually every 2nd day… we like to “revel in our filth” over here sometimes!

  • Unknown Mami

    I don’t shower every day, but I probably wouldn’t write a post about it. I admire your candor.

  • Nannykeel

    Lord Heather you are so freakin funny, everything you say it so much a part of my life except I deal with grandkids instead of babies.
    Okay on the showering question I am a “when I can smell myself” haha usually I shower every other day because my skin is extrememly dry and the itching is not worth the clean feeling especially when I’m home alone so who cares if I smell.

  • Monkey

    The only time I don’t shower every day is if I’m deathly ill, and even that is a toss up. I’ve crawled out of a hospital bed just to wash my hair in the sink, IVs and all. In fact, I’ve just now gotten to the point in my life where I can go a day without washing my hair without twitching. My old hair stylist used to chide me nonstop for washing my hair so much, and I’d sit there and say “But you don’t understand! I have GERM ISSUES!”
    One day is all I can skip for the hair, but I still have to shower to get the rest of me. I don’t feel right without it.

  • nyrican67

    i really really love your family Dooce, but i have to say that, now that i know this, the whole Suave and Dooce ad and endorsement thing just doesnt have the same credibility and impact. UNFOLLOW!! no im kidding, im kidding…still love you and your germy smelly followers. btw my captcha was “pinching businessmen”..hehe

  • nyrican67

    oooh my goodness i kid you not..the captcha now is “unwashed 8,000”!!! LOL!! what a coincidence!

  • donthurrycurry

    I think the people that are freaking out are assuming that people that don’t shower daily are just letting the “humid” areas of the body just ripen. Bidets and baby wipes, FTW.

    And its safe to say that the less ~folds~ that you have (ok fat), the longer you can get away with this hippie dom.

  • spunkycub

    I’m an every other day (or every other other day)-er too. For a couple of sanctimonious pinko commie reasons (less water waste, less chemical usage, better for my skin and immune system (I’ve had super bad allergies my whole life and my mom was and clean-freak who never let me get near anything)) but mostly I don’t shower every day because I’m lazy. 🙂

  • carolfrog

    I hardly ever shower. I’m lazy, and it takes too much time. I do like baths (especially reading in them), but I only bathe often in the winter, to help keep me warm. 🙂 My hair is very short, though. And waterless foam shampoo works just as well for other sensitive/stinky areas as it does for hair.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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