the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Instant understanding

In addition to what seems like a hundred million unforeseen costs of moving into this house, we had to buy a new dishwasher this week. The original one was very picky about which dishes it wanted to clean, and sometimes it wouldn’t choose any. Like that one time we had 35 family members over for burgers. The dishwasher said, you know what? I don’t like Mormons. You can’t make me.

We had the new one installed yesterday, and Jon ran the first load last night. I thanked him for not seasoning the griddle before I had a chance to see it. Inside joke, but it reminded me of Sarah’s guest post about Janice. Because when we lived in our first house we saved up for over a year to buy a really nice range. About twenty seconds after they delivered it, Jon tried to season the griddle. I wasn’t home at the time, hadn’t seen this beautiful stainless steel appliance in our house FINALLY, and when I got home the house was filled with smoke so thick I couldn’t see two feet in front of me.

He had almost set the house on fire.

I don’t know what he did to try and season that griddle, it didn’t matter. I was furious that he couldn’t wait thirty minutes for me to get home and see the appliance in its original state JUST ONCE. He did not understand why I was upset, and I was like, UGH! He gets a new toy and he can’t control himself. Lawn mower, stainless steel range, leaf blower, remote control, doesn’t matter: he must play with it immediately upon possession.

And last night I realized I’m going to be sitting at lunch with friends one day, and the conversation is going to turn in such a way that I’m going to go, WHOA. You’re dealing with a premature griddle seasoner. I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH.

  • msnorway

    2010/07/13 at 3:35 pm

    My husband is the same way…

  • JaHoolia

    2010/07/13 at 4:06 pm

    Um, can we also talk about how men’s brains dissolve once the words “firecracker” or “bottle rocket” come into play? Yes, there are still children standing within throwing distance of you, please OPEN YOUR EYES AND STOP THROWING FLAMING THINGS near the children who have no idea what it is, but hey!!! “It’s flaming and kind of cool looking, should I touch it?”

  • Janice

    2010/07/13 at 4:08 pm

    Wow, this house is really making you work hard for it. If you were dating it, I would advise you to break up with it, but now you’ve gone and eloped without telling us. So all we can do is support you along the way.

    You’re welcome

  • dooce

    2010/07/13 at 4:13 pm

    Janice, that’s pretty much the best comment ever.

  • glittermom

    2010/07/13 at 4:24 pm

    New house looks wonderful, I covet your built ins in a way that almost breaks a commandment. Sorry about the issues, you will get them all worked out and will have amusing stories to tell for years. Stay away from flatpack furniture and storm windows and you will be fine!!!
    At least you don’t have a spraying sump pump like I did yesterday. And when I called Hubby in DC to tell him a new one was installed he said “oh, yeah I thought about getting both replaced last year but didn’t” of course you didn’t zippy..because you know how much I like water where it should not be.
    Oh and critters? Just remember, unless they pay part of the mortgage, they don’t get to stay in the walls.

  • ChiliAddik

    2010/07/13 at 4:41 pm

    iPhone, iPad, new Apple computer…..

  • OldBAM

    2010/07/13 at 5:04 pm

    Hi–I love your house. But can you tell me why that bedroom door has a deadbolt on it? Marauding Mormans, perhaps? 😉

  • Mama M.

    2010/07/13 at 5:05 pm

    Dang premature seasoner.

    They’ll getcha everytime.

  • kimba

    2010/07/13 at 5:12 pm

    can i just say that your hallway has more storage than my entire house?! i am literally green with envy. wicked-style.

    and really, i’m just jealous of your entire house. we’ll be moving back to utah in a yearish, and i’m praying my luck is as insane as yours. minus the critters of course…

  • Dani

    2010/07/13 at 5:17 pm

    My husband was that way about out new washing machine. He wanted to read the whole manual and play with all the settings and watch it run. It blew me away because he’s never done a load of laundry in the ten years we’ve lived together. BTW he still hasn’t it was MY new toy, I didn’t let him play with it.

  • addtova

    2010/07/13 at 5:28 pm

    My husband almost died the other day because we were out running errands and Comcast is the furthest away from out house so we went there first with plans to work our way back. We got a DVR which we have never had before. You would have thought I was clipping off his fingers one by one with a branch cutter, they way he was moaning and whining because we couldn’t go directly home and play with it RIGHT NOW. I didn’t know making a man go to the grocery store was cruel and unusual punishment but I guess it is if you have a new DVR in the trunk.


    2010/07/13 at 5:38 pm

    Seasoning the griddle without you? That’s Premature Flap-Jackulation.

  • KatR

    2010/07/13 at 5:49 pm

    I thought you were going to say that the new dishwasher didn’t work. And I had a very slight PTSD moment, I have to admit.

  • barbara

    2010/07/13 at 6:39 pm

    At first I thought this was going to be another story similar to the washing machine one and was all “NOOOOOO not again!!!”

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    2010/07/13 at 6:43 pm

    I’m totally loving these new house stories. And all the pictures. I would do pretty much anything to have a house like that. Seriously…anything…

  • takemydogplease

    2010/07/13 at 6:43 pm

    Um, is it possible Chuck was partaking in some of those apricots because that would definitely cause some serious doggy tummy trouble. Just putting 2+2 together.

  • Just Jill

    2010/07/13 at 8:25 pm

    @OldBAM – I thought the same exact thing about the deadbolt in the master bedroom – I really think the previous owner was completely whacked!

  • TropicalPopsicle

    2010/07/13 at 8:35 pm

    I am wondering about the bedroom deadbolt TOO! And how appropriate is my Captcha? Primness Street.

  • Deeters

    2010/07/13 at 9:13 pm

    We bought our house with all appliances. They lasted a week or so. The DishWASHER was really a dishWETTER. No washing. Dryer- gone she did not mean THAT appliance. Then the fridge died after 3 months. Exactly 4days before Christmas while I was 9.3 months pregnant. Scared the hell out of delivery guy when I said I was due NOW!!! Moving is such fun!

  • Trina

    2010/07/14 at 4:10 am

    ok, yes I have a dishwasher but haven’t had the luxury of buying a new one yet….so, maybe it’s cause i’m canadian, but what are you talking about “seasoning the griddle”.

    i’m so confused. did you buy a cast iron frying pan too?
    i’m lost. sniff.

  • AustinDave

    2010/07/14 at 8:12 am

    You really have to admire Jon’s restraint with the dishwasher. The need to try things comes with our Y chromosome, and it’s extremely hard to repress the expression of that genome. I would have put all the dogs toys in there right off the bat.

  • Cojo

    2010/07/14 at 8:26 am

    I too wondered about the deadbolt and began to picture what kind of kinky sex one would have that would require a deadbolt on the door. Always remember to have a safe word!

  • chuck68

    2010/07/14 at 8:41 am

    I’m in the camp of save and make a big production for the first time we use a new item. Yes, I’m crazy! SHE has already used three of the wedding gifts for the wedding we’re still two months away from having. Is it bad that I switched the mailing address for the gifts to my office, then sneak them into the house and hide them in the basement? I have a spreadsheet to keep track.

  • katiemcdowell

    2010/07/14 at 8:44 am

    my husband is the same way. i have about 3 dvds that i got for christmas last year that i haven’t opened just to piss him off. the fact that i can wait longer than 3 minutes to open a new anything baffles him.

    oh, and i think the hallway on your new house is my favorite part too.

  • Cooky

    2010/07/14 at 9:12 am

    Your new home is FABULOUS!!!!

    Congratulations. The Armstrong family will be so happy there.

    Thank you so much for sharing the pics with us. I fall in love with your house again and again as you share another room.

    I can so relate to you immediately knowing it was your ‘dream house’ the minute you set foot in the front door for the first time.

    Great comment, Janice.

  • katliz

    2010/07/14 at 9:32 am

    Another vote here for more pictures. When you were in your first house, my husband and I bought a century home to renovate. You’re now two houses later, and we have 3 of 11 rooms done, the rest in total disarray. Your pictures are pure house porn for me.

  • slcEB

    2010/07/14 at 9:35 am

    A few years ago, I was working from home a lot. On a really old, crappy laptop. One day, my lovely husband came home with a shiny new MacBook. For me! What a guy. But whenever I so much as checked an email on it, he would get all red and pouty until I gave him back “my” laptop. It is not now, has never been, and will never be, “my” laptop. I am thinking about stealing his Kindle, though.

  • Scott Allen

    2010/07/14 at 5:31 pm

    Don’t you know? You can’t have your griddle and cook with it too!

  • Brandy in Canada

    2010/07/14 at 7:56 pm

    Someone probably has already emailed you the answer to your flower pic…but just in is called a Red Hot Poker or a Torch Lily.

    BTW can I live in your hall? I can wrangle dogs, chase babies, block Jon from premature seasoning of grills, etc. Because that hall makes me weepy.

    It is the hall of my dreams.

  • Juli71

    2010/07/16 at 1:48 pm

    I call it Testosterone Hands.

  • Janice

    2010/07/17 at 4:45 am


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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