the smell of my desperation has become a stench

None of them has ever said LOL

This is Sarah’s last guest post, and I can’t thank her enough for helping me get through the last four weeks of insane change over here. Since Jon’s birthday is Sunday, and mine was earlier this week, we’re going to go get massages! IN THE SAME ROOM! I know that probably grosses some people out, especially if the person over there on the other table is making all sorts of “feeling really good” noises. How distracting is that? As distracting as having sex with that one boyfriend who was always talking dirty and then in the middle of everything asking you to talk dirty, too. Like, first of all, you’re breaking my concentration, dude. Second? Repeating nicknames for penis and vagina over and over again? You just turned a romantic moment into a horrifying nightmare starring Beavis and Butt-head.


One of my New Year’s resolutions was not to be so cranky on the internet, or about the internet. It’s easy for me to get irritated by things online, or to use an internet platform to spout off some negativity, and I realized that I hate reading that from other people, so I should stop doing it so much myself.

Without fail, the part of the internet that makes me the crankiest is Twitter. I know everyone uses Twitter differently. Some people use it to whine; some people use it to be funny; some people use it to further their personal brand; some people use it as a giant chat room. I’ve been guilty of at least attempting all of the above in the past. I limit my Twitter feed to only people I know in real life, and if we don’t know each other, you’re not missing much. The most exciting thing I’ve done with Twitter is drunkenly live-tweet the movie Deep Blue Sea when it came on TV recently.

But what I mostly find annoying about Twitter is the sensation of hearing tidbits of a hundred people’s thoughts zooming past. You know how in movies, they always show that a psychic person is psychic by having them walk through a crowded public place and being bombarded with voices from all the thoughts of all the people around them, and then and they wince and hold their head? That’s how Twitter feels to me most of the time. It makes me dizzy.

My favorite people on Twitter are the ones who successfully use it as some sort of microblogging platform — being funny or weirdly observant or sharing concisely in one single post. I wish my entire feed was people like Josh Allen (fireland), who tweet once a day at most, and hit that one out of the park.

Anyway. We’re now halfway through the year and I’ve broken my resolution too many times to count, so like a tired dad who feels guilty for snapping at you and buys you ice cream, I’m going to attempt to atone for my sins by sharing with you some of my favorite people on Twitter, the ones who keep me from ever deleting my account because I’d hate to miss anything they say.

Todd Levin is a comedian, writer for Conan O’Brien, married to my friend Lisa, and hilarious.

agoodthinglost is hands down my favorite person on Twitter. I favorite nearly every single thing she posts. She keeps her Twitter feed private but I warned her I was preparing to laud her here so may be persuaded into unlocking it if you’re lucky.

highindustrial is Raza Syed, a screenwriter in Los Angeles, old school internet, and someone I’d love to have a beer with.

Apey is April Richardson, who has been funny on the internet for about a decade now, and was recently named one of the 15 Up-and-Coming Comediennes You Should Be Laughing at by The Frisky.

kfan is Kevin Fanning, and Kevin Fanning is a slang trailblazer. Not so much individual words, but casual speech patterns. The way Kevin Fanning writes is the way the rest of the internet is writing four months later.

I wish I could see the world from inside Evany’s head, because it seems like so much more fun.

I read Barrett Chase’s blog for years, but recently he quit blogging and just uses Twitter. The upside is they’re all gold.

acupoftea is Zan McQuade, who is nostalgic to a fault (her own words) and has an eye for finding the forgotten even while it’s happening.

Jon Friedman is a blogger for Jimmy Fallon, hosts The Rejection Show, and read one of the funniest teenage writings ever in the history of Cringe.

  • Daddy Scratches

    2010/07/23 at 2:49 pm

    Thanks. Just what I need is more people to either a.) follow, or b.) know I’m missing out on.

    PS: I’m following a couple hundred people now and I end up skipping over 60%-90% of those tweets; what’s up with the freaks following, like, 8,000 people? Why bother? Is there a logical, practical reason that I’m just not bright enough to discern?

    PPS: Is there anything more emasculating-sounding than “tweet,” “tweeting” or “tweeted”?

    PPPS: If Twitter is considered by many to be a colossal waste of time, what is leaving a blog comment on a guest post *about* Twitter considered?

  • Blahggy

    2010/07/23 at 4:31 pm

    A lot of times, when reading, it’s hard to get me to laugh out loud and when I do it’s awesome and unexpected. Kind of like when your best friend sharts.

  • Zannah

    2010/07/23 at 5:01 pm

    Hats! I’m so using that from now on.

  • HodgePodge

    2010/07/23 at 11:31 am

    Clearly I wasn’t following the right people when I tried Twitter and then gave up on it a while ago. That and clearly you have cooler friends than I do. Thanks for the silent shoulder shaking laughs I just had at my desk.

  • Tootyjane

    2010/07/23 at 11:33 am

    Thanks for a great post! I literally laughed out loud!


  • tolbiny

    2010/07/23 at 11:43 am

    Well shit. This post has made me consider giving into the evils of twitter just so I can follow these people. But I thought I hated twitter? Now I have inner conflict.



  • tolbiny

    2010/07/23 at 11:44 am

    ps: I lol’d.

  • michblondin

    2010/07/23 at 11:59 am

    Love this post and lots of great suggestions to follow. The “haha” to “hats” had me laughing at my desk.

    BTW, 12 things I don’t want to see in your “status”

  • arishell

    2010/07/23 at 12:06 pm

    I would love to see a movie about why Abe Froman never showed to the restaurant!

  • PunkinP

    2010/07/23 at 12:42 pm

    Oh my gawd, so funny! Now, I have people to follow on Twitter(not that I ever use it; I don’t even follow my husband)

    I had to hold my hand over my mouth to keep from laughingb but I think a few “Eeeps” escaped.

    Oh, and happy birthday to Jon. You and my son share the same birthday. Go Leos!

  • paulamichele1

    2010/07/23 at 12:59 pm

    Dooce, thanks for affirming that being asked to talk dirty can be completely distracting. I wondered if I was the only one.

    I should make that [new year’s] resolution about not being cranky on or about the internet. That is a really fabulous idea.

  • girlplease

    2010/07/23 at 1:37 pm

    Great posts. But this is why I don’t twitter. It’s bad enough my FB is all about “someone left an ass bomb in the company toilet and didn’t flush” or “Some twat farted cabbage on the train. Seriously. Who farts cabbage at 6:30 am?” or “my deodorant kicked out by 11am. Stay away from my cube.”

    Yea. Not really what social networking is for.

    Or is it?

  • tallnoe

    2010/07/23 at 2:28 pm

    Fabulous. Thanks for these people… they’re great. And I love twitter, it’s a strange beast, but I like it…


  • lisdom

    2010/07/23 at 6:34 pm

    I love Twitter so much more than FB. See, I like all those random thoughts, but don’t care so much for all the filler. Twitter gets rid of that. This post is awesome! Can’t wait to get my new crazy phone tomorrow (Droid X) and tweet to my heart’s content.

  • sarahdoow

    2010/07/24 at 2:32 am

    Using one’s three wishes for the stuff one is too lazy to fetch from downstairs sounds like a fine idea. I must remember that for the next time a genie comes upstairs.

  • screwdestiny

    2010/07/25 at 9:30 am

    Whoa, why are we bashing on the dirty talk? Girls are supposed to like that because we’re more auditory. Anyway… I hate Twitter. Think the idea of it is idiotic. I get enough of people’s random thoughts through Facebook and Myspace. But, I did enjoy those tweets that you posted.

  • d3 voiceworks

    2010/07/26 at 2:59 pm

    chuck as a baby is holy way cute!

    with twitter, why is the @ sign used? that bothers me. as does twitter.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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