the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I’m replacing his chair with a throne

Back when Tyrant started as our assistant he and Jon decided that in an attempt to combat the chaos in our lives we should have our calendars and schedules synced with our phones. Meaning now whenever I have an appointment or a conference call my phone starts screaming at me. It’s really charming and doesn’t at all remind me of the fourteen-month-old living in my house who is so angry at the two teeth poking through her gums that Jon finally lost it last night, stood over her after she had thrown her tiny body on the floor again while screeching! screeching! screeching! and yelled, “YOU’RE RUINING THE WORLD.”

I told him he should stop exaggerating so much.

Late last week my phone started screaming that it was time to take a look at Leta’s school schedule and start planning for her first week. Jon had asked Tyrant to take a look at my week and pencil in a time specifically for this task, otherwise we’d let things get away from us and next thing you know it’s the night before her first day, and we’re all, wait. Is she in third or fourth grade?

Except Jon was out running an errand, and it was at the end of a very long day. So I ignored the reminder thinking we’d get to it when Jon returned home. And instead I took a few minutes to relax and browse the Internet, something I rarely get to do with abandon anymore. Which is really sad because when I do I very frequently run into things like this:

So user Lauren3 of the community sent me a link to this video of dogs wiping their butts on the ground set to Prelude by Bach, which I know sounds completely immature AND IT IS, but holy god I needed that laugh. And not just because of the dog-butt-wiping angle, but the comments on YouTube, oh man. Apparently THIS IS NOT FUNNY. These dogs need to be taken to the vet immediately! And I’m sure their owners felt some compassion, at least after first pointing and laughing at these helpless animals who I’m sure have at one point in their time on earth sprayed a gallon of diarrhea on the wall:

I was really tired and punchy that afternoon, so I watched this video about twenty times, and each time I laughed harder and harder. Jon returned home while I was watching it, so he stood behind my desk and laughed with me. Right then Tyrant appeared OUT OF THIN AIR, his right foot tapping on the floor, his jaw clenched a little too tightly.

“Something tells me that you’re not looking at the website where Leta’s school schedule is published.”

I GUESS NOT, MOM.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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