the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I’m replacing his chair with a throne

Back when Tyrant started as our assistant he and Jon decided that in an attempt to combat the chaos in our lives we should have our calendars and schedules synced with our phones. Meaning now whenever I have an appointment or a conference call my phone starts screaming at me. It’s really charming and doesn’t at all remind me of the fourteen-month-old living in my house who is so angry at the two teeth poking through her gums that Jon finally lost it last night, stood over her after she had thrown her tiny body on the floor again while screeching! screeching! screeching! and yelled, “YOU’RE RUINING THE WORLD.”

I told him he should stop exaggerating so much.

Late last week my phone started screaming that it was time to take a look at Leta’s school schedule and start planning for her first week. Jon had asked Tyrant to take a look at my week and pencil in a time specifically for this task, otherwise we’d let things get away from us and next thing you know it’s the night before her first day, and we’re all, wait. Is she in third or fourth grade?

Except Jon was out running an errand, and it was at the end of a very long day. So I ignored the reminder thinking we’d get to it when Jon returned home. And instead I took a few minutes to relax and browse the Internet, something I rarely get to do with abandon anymore. Which is really sad because when I do I very frequently run into things like this:

So user Lauren3 of the community sent me a link to this video of dogs wiping their butts on the ground set to Prelude by Bach, which I know sounds completely immature AND IT IS, but holy god I needed that laugh. And not just because of the dog-butt-wiping angle, but the comments on YouTube, oh man. Apparently THIS IS NOT FUNNY. These dogs need to be taken to the vet immediately! And I’m sure their owners felt some compassion, at least after first pointing and laughing at these helpless animals who I’m sure have at one point in their time on earth sprayed a gallon of diarrhea on the wall:

I was really tired and punchy that afternoon, so I watched this video about twenty times, and each time I laughed harder and harder. Jon returned home while I was watching it, so he stood behind my desk and laughed with me. Right then Tyrant appeared OUT OF THIN AIR, his right foot tapping on the floor, his jaw clenched a little too tightly.

“Something tells me that you’re not looking at the website where Leta’s school schedule is published.”


  • texas2tennessee

    2010/08/19 at 9:42 am

    We call this “butt-hole surfing” in my house. In a juvenile moment, we said this in front of our vet and he fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.

    You’re welcome.

  • kristanhoffman

    2010/08/16 at 2:12 pm

    Oh sure, you’re snarky now, but just wait until Leta starts listing Tyrant as her emergency contact and asking for him to come in for Parent Days.

    (JUUUUUUST kidding! My parents were starting their own business and had childcare help when I was growing up, and I’m very close to them. And I’m also not a serial killer. EVERYONE WILL BE FINE.)

  • kristanhoffman

    2010/08/16 at 2:14 pm

    PS: I’ve never been first before! Don’t I get a gold plaque or something?

  • TexasKatie

    2010/08/16 at 2:18 pm

    My dog will occasionally sit on the floor and spin in circles. It is then that I know it is time to go in and have her anal sacs expressed.

    How gross of a job must that be? Anal Sac Expresser. “Hi, I’m Joe and I am an anal sac expresser”.

    Have you ever been in the same room as your dog when they get their ass sacs expressed? It is vile. Horribly vile. I am not sure which is worse – the possibility of having crap smeared on the rug because my dog is doing sit-and-spin to relieve her scratchy, poo-filled butt — or going to the vet and smelling the wretched odor of anal sac goo.


  • Therese

    2010/08/16 at 2:18 pm

    I can’t decide if having a Tyrant of my very own would make my life run super smoothly, making me magically complete all attempted tasks, fulfill all good intentions and just generally appear far more awesome, or if it would be like having an extra guilty conscience telling me where I’m going wrong.

    I suspect it’s a mixture, but you come out on top.

  • Truthful Mommy

    2010/08/16 at 2:19 pm

    So funny. I think I could possibly barf if I watched the dog video. My head goes to why they might be doing this and it just turns my stomach. I’m conjuring images of a plethora and parasites.Ewww! The 1st day of school, I so dread it. Ours is Thursday and my eldest is starting Kindergarten. It will be a little somber around here. I am planning a small funeral for her preschoolerness complete with black hats and veils.Pictures to be posted shortly:)Hope you got it all sorted out. Those damn backpacks and uniforms won’t get themselves:) Happy Mothering!

  • meganithappen

    2010/08/16 at 2:19 pm

    Ahhh, yes. When my dog does that my husband says “Time for a butt squeeze at the groomer!”

  • flickster94087

    2010/08/16 at 2:20 pm

    in that case you should check out THIS VIDEO.

    I don’t know if you like corgis as much as I do, but it’s still reallly hilarious to watch this dog leap into the air to jumo into the water, only to land barely a foot in front of where he was, barely clearing the dock. it even has slow mo. 😀

    also the dogs doing that just remind me of Hot Tub Time Machine!

  • BuenoBabyGirl

    2010/08/16 at 2:21 pm

    Love @yoyoha and all his tweetings. However, that one was the best yet.

  • MN Sukie

    2010/08/16 at 2:22 pm

    I have three dogs — that video makes me want to clean the carpets and all the floors. Ew.

    Just thought — my lab constantly licks her rear end — I wonder if that is the same as dragging it? Maybe she needs an anal squeeze.

  • dittoditto

    2010/08/16 at 2:24 pm

    I only feel sorry for the unfortunate carpet.

  • tokenblogger

    2010/08/16 at 2:25 pm

    Yeah, but sometimes? Couldn’t their but just be itchy?

  • PeachKiss

    2010/08/16 at 2:33 pm

    I have cats. They shit in a box. It’s much easier to manage.

  • Greta Koenigin

    2010/08/16 at 2:39 pm

    is anyone having post-childbirth empathy for these dogs?

    somehow, i often feel like the buzzkill of the comments section.

  • austinmomof7

    2010/08/16 at 2:42 pm

    I totally need to get me a tyrant. Today I looked at I can haz cheezburgers for fourty five minutes when I was supposed to be cooking breakfast for my zillion children. “Leave mommy alone and make yourself a bowl of cereal” I think it’s my job to teach them independence.

  • relativevirtues

    2010/08/16 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you for that video.

    I just sat here laughing, shaking & wiping the tears from my eyes, trying not to be heard by the rest of the office, because they think I’m weird enough. I’m glad someone else finds this funny, in spite of the ewww factor.

    My family calls that maneuver “scooting” by the way.

  • Cojo

    2010/08/16 at 3:23 pm

    Relativevirtues,my family calls it that too and diarrhea is referred to as “the scoots” I’m from Iowa, we’re strange.

    Heather, you call him Tyrant but every time I read about him I think “He Who Must Be Obeyed” would also be a suitable name. Because, you know, everyone needs a nickname or 2.

  • SuzieQ1

    2010/08/16 at 3:29 pm

    Forevermore I will visualize this video when I hear one of my favorite pieces. How could you? I must go and lie down for a while….or maybe have a cocktail.

  • AshesVonDust

    2010/08/16 at 3:37 pm

    We call it bum-walking in my family. My older dog would do it when he needed his anal sacs drained (he had the worst time with that, his ass would explode -literally, leaving a hole- if we didn’t notice it right away… poor thing) but my current dog only does it to dislodge clingons (poo bits clinging to butt hairs, as opposed to Klingons, which is some nerdy space thing)

    Actually, now that we have hardwood, she doesn’t seem to do it much. Might also be because I clean her bum all the time because she can’t reach anymore.

    Wow, all this talk of poo makes me think I’m at a family gathering!

  • kcbelles

    2010/08/16 at 4:15 pm

    Wow, seems even if you’re self-employed, you can’t screw around; got someone watching over your shoulder too. But wait… you hired him, so…

    Perhaps he’s doing what you hired him to do, huh? LOL so no calling him “Mom.” Sounds to me like I’d like a Tyrant, too!

  • loving to learn

    2010/08/16 at 4:34 pm

    BIG mistake to be eating breakfast while reading the comments thread on this! Anal sacs and muesli just DON’T GO TOGETHER. Live and learn, live and learn…

  • sugarleg

    2010/08/16 at 4:59 pm

    that kind of punchy laughter re-oxygenates the blood. good for you for the rewatches.

    also, as owner of a bum wiping Golden Retriever this pleased me into giggles especially because another part of that very concerto from Bach was what my cousin played for me to walk down aisle at my wedding.

    I am no longer married and dogs scooching the itch out of their bungholes to the strains of my wedding processional just cleansed my brain of that shitty relationship in a way nothing else has.

    awesome. now I can go back to work.

  • doobrah

    2010/08/16 at 5:05 pm

    The Yorkie is particulary funny, but oh, how vile.

  • grad.nauseam

    2010/08/16 at 5:08 pm

    Awww. It’s funny but I really can’t help but pity these little creatures and their poor itchy little butts.

  • aubriane

    2010/08/16 at 5:46 pm

    Heather, I’m pretty sure that you are really, really going to enjoy this link I am about to share with you. It is a live feed from a webcam set up in a chicken yard, and I have on occasion spent hours watching it or just leaving it open in another tab for background noise.

    You’re welcome.

  • LuckIsMyMiddleName

    2010/08/16 at 7:45 pm

    The funky buttwalk!

    Today I really needed to laugh so hard I cried. Thank you.

  • HungryGrad

    2010/08/17 at 5:39 am

    Er… I’m sorry I’m an asshole, but I can’t help it; isn’t that the cello concerto in the background?

    (The reason I know this is because while I was dying laughing, my bf who is the owner of the gargantuan marimba of epic proportions plays Bach’s cello concerto on it. He says I’ve forever ruined the song for him, but this has seriously been the highlight of my day so far.)

    Edit: Riiight, it’s the prelude TO the cello suite. Not a concerto. I’m an idiot.

  • Daily Cup of Jo

    2010/08/17 at 12:24 am

    Oh, thanks for “Dogs Wiping Their Bums”. Really, thank you. I wasn’t expecting to wipe tears from my eyes this late at night – for any reason.

  • minxlj

    2010/08/17 at 4:00 am

    I need to borrow Tyrant to get me organised, seriously. I’ll send you a couple of chickens and a baby hippo in exchange, ‘k? 😀

  • kerri lynne

    2010/08/17 at 5:15 am

    i am immature and i am crying from laughing so hard. and i’m happy to say, my boyfriend came in and caught me watching this and started laughing, too! at least i’m not the only crazy in the household.

  • gretchie

    2010/08/17 at 5:49 am

    Well, maybe the school board *SHOULD* post videos of dogs scootin’. I pay my taxes! Why do I even have to ask for that? Geez. And why didn’t they leave the part in where the dogs sniff the part of the floor they ruined? “Mmmmmm…. me… mmmmm….sniff…me… mmmm….sniff….” Okay. Dogs are simple.

  • lisdom

    2010/08/18 at 8:42 am

    This is just one more reason I will never ever own a dog. Funny video, though.

    Also: Maybe Tyrant and Jon could develop a Tyrant application for the new Android phones, and then you can feature your new Droid X’s (I have one, too) using the Tyrant app. Like, when it’s time for a meeting or something, the phone can say something witty in Tyrant’s voice.

  • pachase

    2010/08/18 at 9:12 am

    Our American Eskimo Nanook (may she RIP) used to do this – we called it the “boot scootin’ boogie”.

    Now our 13 year old, grossly overweight and insulin dependant cat Snickers (aka the big fat boo) does it. Guess she’s channeling the dog…..

  • confusedkaty

    2010/08/18 at 11:10 am

    Those dogs look like me when my bikini line starts to grow back in. Without the pretty music.

  • JennfromCanada

    2010/08/18 at 3:12 pm

    @flickster – That video was taken in my neck of the woods. The life jacket is a good idea. But the part I love the most is the slow-mo part where his/her back legs are stretched out and it looks like he/she is only 1 inch from the dock. Too funny! Thanks.

    And for my totally disgusting question of the day, how come some dogs go back and sniff where they scooted? My Shithead, err I mean Shih-Tzu, Charlotte scoots sometimes but mostly outside on the gravel.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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