An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Order Araneae, Class Arachnida

Me: “Oh my god, it’s 7:10! How did we sleep in so late?! Where’s Leta? Is the baby still alive?”

Jon, awake and calmly reading the news on his iPad at the other side of the bed: “Everything’s fine. The baby is still asleep. I think I heard Leta get up and turn on the television.”

Me: “She didn’t come into our room last night and sleep on the floor?”

Jon: “Nope.”

Me: “That’s awesome! That’s progress. What a huge step!”

Jon: “Well, I did tell her last night that she had a better chance of escaping the spiders by remaining high up on her bed.”

Me: “What?”

Jon: “You know, spiders like to crawl on the ground.”

Me: “So you basically threatened her with spiders.”

Jon: “No, I threatened her with science.”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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