An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


So, as things are wont to unfold in this life of mine, I returned home from California last week to a walking child. Marlo had been walking on and off in the days leading up to my vacation, but she would usually take a few steps and be all, SCREW THIS. And then she’d drop to the floor and crawl to her destination three times as fast. That’s math, y’all. Or is that laziness? Hmm. Don’t answer that.

And then the Saturday that I was away she suddenly decided to cross off that milestone in her life, and now it’s all walking all the time. And I wasn’t there. This is where the haters are all serves you right for taking a vacation, you self-entitled ho-bag. And this is where I’m all you mean WELL RESTED self-entitled ho-bag.

For those of you who weren’t reading a few years ago, Leta didn’t walk until she was almost two years old. And by then she was so interested in books that she never used her walking to engage in something dangerous. You guys, I can’t overstate the convenience of giving birth to a nerd. The danger only comes into play years later when they’re experimenting with potassium chlorate.

Marlo seeks out danger. Where is something she can climb on top of and then swan dive onto the floor? Is that a set of stairs over there? Because she’s thinking she could jump and clear at least six of them. And stop grabbing her arm to try and pull her away! Because watch! This shit is gonna be straight up insane!

I’ve had experience with these kinds of kids, but then I got in my car and I drove away.

Now I’m tasked with figuring out how the hell to deal with this, and the solution is pretty much this: don’t ever blink. Because in that second she’ll be on some ledge four feet in the air, the end of a power cord in her mouth and a smirk all over her face that says I can’t believe I have to deal with these amateurs.

  • lunacydress

    Oh, the guttulence! It’s too cute!!

  • Tobie

    Other ppl might have already said this, I haven’t read thru, but – did you leave her at a relative’s when you were on vacation?, I ask because, sometimes the “change of pace” seems to motivate their developmental changes. Like while on a beach vacation, they decide they want to swim, whereas previously they were afraid of the water. Or decide they are going to potty-train themselves while at Grandma’s.

    I dunno what it is, just something I’ve observed!

    She is too cute!! 😀

  • francabollo

    Oh, sweet Jesus … that belly. I want blow on her belly button, making farting noises.

  • Mrs. Cave

    I totally understand. My daughter, now 3, started walking at 10 months. No wait, not walking, running. I effing kid you not, she was a quick little thing. And no, this is not a brag. I was not all that thrilled with the early running as I have had to become not-so-lazy. And I liked my laziness.

    However, Marlo is super cute with that big belly sticking out and arms all up like a gorilla. Congratulations on becoming the mother of a baby stunt double. We should start a support group.

  • misheru

    Not only is she walking, but I distinctly heard “Daddy” “Bobo” and “Go” in that video — she is so going to spin your head around!

    In a few years, you’re going to look back on that video and absolutely sob your heart out as you see that baby and her joy in pulling grass (she must call herself “Bobo”, too).

    I took a video of my son on his second birthday, back when he called everything delicious “birfday cake”, and afterward we watched it and smiled. Fast forward five years — I find said video on the computer and my husband finds me 10 minutes later in a pool of tears. Gone is the “birfday cake” and the “feets” and the “for bubbi” and also the dear great-grandmother.

    Relish this time! And be sure to backup the server with the videos…always.

  • Holyoke Home

    I think that – usually – keeping a kid’s pants around her knees is a good strategy for slowing her down. But not this one.

  • Celestia

    My daughter walked at 9months so I feel your pain. The only good thing was she wasn’t a risk taker so I got to keep my sanity. Too bad I lost it through lack of sleep.

  • witchuponastar

    If you raise the crotch of her pants above knee level it will be a whole new world for Marlo!

  • kcbelles

    Too adorable! I wanna blow razzleberries on that babybelly!

    Very nicely done, guys – love the background music, soft enough to hear, but still able to hear the bobospeak 🙂

  • jadoyle

    It’s a wonder they learn to walk at all with that huge wad of diaper between their legs, isn’t it? She’s adorable 🙂

  • CJDaily

    How come when I walk around with my leggins falling down and my belly hanging out it’s just not THAT CUTE!? Congrats on your little walker. Clear off all the tables!

  • kittyvicious

    The combination of the baby belly and the saggy leggings is just too much. My head done ‘sploded from all the cute.

  • carla

    i like the skinny jeans

  • sarahfromthenorth

    You’re so lucky to have a second child to experience all these firsts with .. must be even cooler the second time around!

    Marlo is awesome, I especially love in this video her need to chatter something that clearly makes total sense to her, and she just cannot stay quiet. It’s really a great keepsake!

    BTW .. did you notice how she is ‘rather’ more bald than Leta was at 1? hee hee .. sorry, couldn’t resist!

    Your remodel is gorgeous and I’m using some of your ideas to enhance my own home office – thanks for the tips!!

  • tdotjen

    The contrast between Leta and Marlo is not unlike that of the sons of someone I know in that the older one plays it safe, and the younger one is basically reckless. When my friend’s younger one started getting himself out of his crib, she asked for advice on how to keep him there, one suggestion was to tie a volleyball net over his crib. Just thought you might want that in your back pocket when Marlo starts doing this!

  • hardtoplease

    Please tell me she is going as Baby Frankenstein for Halloween. Pretty please? I love when they walk like that. SO CUTE! Must. Eat. Brains.

  • kirby

    I totally understand the wild child – my son was the crazy fear no evil type too. At my sister’s wedding (which I was matron of honor) I hired a teenager to spend the weekend at our cottage on the lake were the wedding was taking place, to watch this 3 yr old hell on wheels ring bearer. My sister’s MIL made fun of me at the rehearsal – what the heck do you need someone to watch your boy, family about and such…. mid way through the wedding she approached me, as my boy was running up and down the beach, out to the end of the dock, around the carport, climbing on tractors, up the pear tree… and said “what a good idea it was for you to hire someone to watch him”.

  • akhowell

    Just saying, the “W” sitting Marlo is doing in the beginning of the video is harmful for little developing legs. She should be encouraged to sit cross-legged instead.

  • MissAga

    Oh, my gosh, is she saying: Go, Bobo, to Mommy and Daddy? Heart-melting.

  • sabina

    God, that is precious. That little milk-belly is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Go Marlo go!!!

  • jamesgang9831

    Sooo Sweet!!! Can’t wait to see how fast she is when she pulls her britches up all the way and quits bustin a sag… 🙂

    Lotta work ahead of you guys, Good Luck!!!

  • Maggles

    I didn’t notice- did anyone ask about the music being played? If not, what’s playing in the video?

  • sarahatlee

    Hey Ms. Dooce! Would you share with us the name of the song & its artist that’s in the video?

  • chasethefirefly

    Your video makes me think of the movie Babies. Awww, Bobo, be happy you’re not the Mongolian baby.

    My household went from 1st baby not walking till after 2. Second baby meeting all milestones on time, in a nice calm manner. THIRD BABY, she never looks before she leaps, and the higher the starting point the better.

  • Daddy Scratches

    This must be some sorta “second kid” thing. My son always seemed to hang back and watch other kids do crazy shit, seemingly studying the strange little earthlings who engaged in this thing called “fun.” My daughter, meanwhile, from the moment she mastered self-propulsion, was perfectly content to launch her body off of whatever was tallest, trusting to fate that someone would be there to catch her.

    Let’s hope she doesn’t take the same approach to risk management during her teen years.

    Oy vey.

  • paminmi

    I love it when babies first start to walk: So Night-of-the-living-dead’ish. What a cutie!

  • Anxious Annie

    The visible tag on that pillow on the sofa in the meeting area is driving me nuts. The room is PURRRRFECT except for that darn tag!

  • JanineGWebb

    I’m here to tell you to count your blessings. My firstborn is a boy, now three-and-a-half. He’s not so much a daredevil, but more like a little Indiana Jones…a very curious, explorer type. Imagine dragging all your gear to the beach, setting up, and NEVER ONCE sitting down as you chase a toddler to every towel, every seagull, and every sea creature in sight. Then imagine Christmastime in Tokyo, as he refuses to sit in his stroller among fifteen million shoppers. So, when I became pregnant again, I prayed for a girl. A nerdy girl like me, who’d sit and read for hours. I was a good, easy kid that way. I DESERVE a placid, calm child. Apparently, my husband did not earn the same karma, because our sweet, sixteen month little girl, makes her brother look like the bookworm. Where my son will think and then run, my daughter climbs right to the highest point she can find in a “do not pass go” sort of pace, and laughs as she teeters on the edge. Heaven help us all…

  • dominiquewynand

    K, I’m seriously NOT trying to be mean, but I’m a little tired, and swore that was you for a split second! =)And that is not a mean sentiment…actually, it’s quite adorable how similar your non-behinds are! =)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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