An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A tribute to Uncle Doug

Several weeks ago when Marlo caught the cold that had already afflicted everyone else in the family, we were constantly chasing her around with a wipe to clean up her face before she rubbed it on a piece of furniture. Or on my shirt. Or — and I’m not kidding about this — on Chuck’s head resulting in a tannish dog hair mustache on her upper lip.

Eventually a sore, chapped spot appeared on her cheek, and we tried to be careful to avoid that spot when wiping her face so that it could heal. Have you ever mud wrestled a wild boar? Me neither. But I imagine it would be safer and more sanitary than trying to wipe Marlo’s face.

So her cold finally went away, and we kept waiting for that spot to clear. But that never happened. In fact, it looked like it was becoming more and more chapped. Like maybe she was secretly cuddling with a sheet of sand paper at night. Who knows! I wouldn’t put anything past that kid. She doesn’t learn from pain. Like that one time she was underneath the coffee table and for five minutes she kept hitting her head as she tried to sit up. MOVE TO THE LEFT, EINSTEIN.

Last week I got really concerned that it wasn’t going away, and everyone in the house started making guesses and googling possible conditions. Eczema? Psoriasis? SHINGLES!? And then Tyrant starts telling me about a friend he had in LA whose kid had a rash on her face, and it got so bad that it ate through her cheek and left a gaping hole. I was on the verge of crying when he said that the kid eventually joined the circus as The Girl With Two Mouths because she had taught that hole how to speak and sing opera.

I’m thinking I should rent Tyrant out for parties.

I finally said, screw it, let’s see what the doctor has to say about this and then immediately regretted that decision as I chased Marlo for an hour in the waiting room at the clinic. Last time we were there she wasn’t walking. This time? Totally different. As in, I would rather spend another semester at BYU than an hour chasing my toddler around a waiting room where her sole goal was to put sick people in her mouth.

That bad.

We finally got in to see the doctor when she took one look at Marlo’s face and was all, oh honey! Your kid has ringworm!

You have got to be shitting me.

It's not contagious. Sort of.

How appropriate was that diagnosis? I mean, COME ON. My chipped-tooth baby Bobo done got ringworm on her face! Guess I’ll just cover it up with some tape, dope her up with some hill juice, and we’ll cuddle on the bed with some Cheetos and wipe our hands on the sheets!

  • gretchie

    Forget the damn ringworm, that clears up. What caught my attention is “this kid does not learn from pain.” My daughter has been like this since day one. Also, she has a high threshold for pain (except shots, c’mon!) She is in kindergarten now and I can best describe her as BOLD. Take this advice: find a very physical activity she can engage in on Saturdays when she starts school. My daughter takes gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I’m toying with putting her in sumo wrestling or cross-country skiing next, just to wear her down a tad. Stories are fun, but reading isn’t as AWESOME as jumping off of really really high things. Also, she hasn’t slept 12 straight hours regularly since infancy. I’m lucky to squeeze out ten on a weekend.

    Don’t worry about breaking her spirit – SHE WILL BREAK YOURS.

    I swear all those pretty blue eyes are a survival mechanism.

  • CO

    Poor Marlo! But thank you once again for a great laugh early in the morning! 🙂

  • Bobbie58

    I also had ringworm as a child (caught from my neighbor’s cat).

    My mother had to take me to the vet to be diagnosed. In a closet. With a black light.

    I ended up missing the last week of third grade because it was so contagious.

    I hate cats to this day.

  • leesavee

    Ringworm, schmingworm! She’ll be fine. Antifungal medication should clear it up in no time.

    I returned from Ethiopia just over nine months ago with the two most amazing children in the world (my son and daughter), and they’d been living in an orphanage for almost a year. Oh, the ringworm.

    We were at the orphanage for Christmas, and I managed to pick up one more skin infection I didn’t know you could get. Some of the kids had HERPES infections on their scalps. I, of course, got both the ringworm my kids had, and the herpes the other kids had ON MY NECK (which made me look like I had hideous hickeys). The ringworm cleared, but the herpes is with me for life. Did you KNOW you could get herpes ON YOUR NECK? I had no idea. It’s like having an enormous cold sore in a very strange place. Oh, well. Better than genital herpes…

  • subjectivitis

    Does she climb out of her crib yet? Do you have one of those nets that goes over the crib. I have the similar affliction of having an active child and I totally thought about getting one for him when he was young and had slightly less sense than he does now. I ended up just going with a toddler bed instead.

  • missaudreyhorne

    Ringworm is a nightmare, only in that it is hard to get rid of. My fiance had it on and off for like a year, kept treating it and then it would come back. It felt like failure every time it came back. So make sure to just keep treating it for as long as they say even if it is gone. THANKFULLY I never got it from him and our cats didn’t have it either.

  • stoves48

    Too funny, as I was reading about Tyrant torturing you with flesh eating bacteria stories the song Tyrant by OneRepublic came on my iphone(which is on shuffle). Did you know he had a song named after him?

  • ORKMommy

    Totally unrelated… That picture in your banner, on the far right, you totally look like Madonna!!! Seriously!!

    Marlo will be aw-ight. My daughter had a tick on the back of her head a few months ago. Luckily we caught it early. She also had ringworm on the back of her head a few years ago. Again, she recovered. Parenting is pretty gross most of the time!

  • sorcha

    Memories! I had ringworm as a kid when we brought a stay cat home. But it was no biggie, as many have said it’s just a fungus. And for those who go FUNGUS, EW! I will gross you out further by informing you that you have fungus living on your skin RIGHT NOW. Under the right conditions it can multiply to the point where you can see it. And then you go to the doctor and they go HEY! you have ringworm! or athlete’s foot! or jock itch! or whatever. 🙂

  • BaconPecanPie

    I had never heard of ringworm until I read this. So today my mother in law, for some strange reason, starts telling me about her friend’s daughter, and how she had kind of a weird rash on her face, and I say “It’s ringworm”, and yes, it was. So, thanks! Although it didn’t stop her from telling me the whole story, even when we knew the ending.

  • An Unencumbered Life

    My son had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. Twice. In two months. His feet were so bad that he was walking on his toes. It took me two days to realize something was wrong. We felt like horrible parents. Horrible parents and white trash, because really? Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease? It just sounds like something you get from being dirty and not wearing shoes.

  • cobaltblue

    If it helps at all, organic virgin coconut oil is antifungal, antibacterial, and antiviral. You can put it on Marlo’s skin and you can even give it to the dogs to keep them healthy inside and out.

  • amybobamy

    That sucks! And you know what sucks worse? Ringworm comes back. My daughter developed ringworm on the corner of her mouth when she was about 3, and although Neosporin clears it up quickly, she is 9 now and it still rears its crusty head about once every 6 months. But for now, maximum strength Neosporin all the way, and it should be gone in just a few days!!!

  • deborahjmum

    When I saw the word SHINGLES in your list of provisional diagnoses, I remembered that at the time you had your case of them, I was still operating with an old computer that wouldn’t let me view videos. So now I got to watch it for the first time, and yes, Heather, I just want you to know that you ARE the looniest loonball of them all. Congratulations on your wonderful survival skills and thanks for the entertaining way you have of sharing the experience with us.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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