Heater, Mother of Lance

Day two of solo parenting

My friend Cami came to the rescue this morning just in time. I’d been awake with the baby since 5 AM, and already Marlo had tried to stick her head in the toilet. Twice. I guess maybe she thought that would take away her misery? Because nothing I do seems to soothe her, and she just wanders around moaning: Brains! BRAINS! And then suddenly her arm falls off.

So I indulged in a work out. I know, who the hell indulges in a workout? It’s like Cami showed up and I was all, PHEW! Now I finally have the time to strip down naked and beat myself with this leather, medieval bullwhip! And then jump into a bath of ice! WHEE!

But the gym is my church. My trainer is my bishop. Someone recently asked me what I do for fun, and I couldn’t wait to talk about the series of squats and lunges I do carrying thirty pound weights. I love the challenge, the sweat, the pain, the concentration it takes to do it for five more minutes. And this person was like, you know most people respond with going to the movies or something that is the exact opposite of a squat.

Yeah, well. I’m not most people. Have you seen my chin?

So I got back from the workout a few minutes before Marlo woke up from a nap, and when I took her pants off to change her diaper a handful of smashed goldfish crackers spilled out. And I was like, um, Cami? Were you aware that you put my child down for a nap with her snack in her clothes? And Cami pointed to my shirt and said, “Oh shut up, you’ve got sweaty tits. We’re even.”

That’s why I keep her around.

  • jacqueline

    2010/10/08 at 12:57 pm

    ahhh working out sucks, but i’m glad you got the break!

    dude, i’m loving cami, bring her around the posts more often!

  • kcbelles

    2010/10/08 at 1:05 pm

    Let’s hear it for great friends; they just seem to know when they’re needed. Glad she was able to give you a much needed break.

    It still amazes me that you can take something like a sick child and make it hilarious.

    Sure hope she feels better, soon, though – poor thing.

  • Mindi@B_A_Bookworm

    2010/10/08 at 1:38 pm

    I love how you make all of the mundane stuff that happens in every day life so entertaining. I hope that you get the chance to hop in the shower & that Bo-Bo is feeling better soon too. Thank you for being you and making me smile, yet again.

  • mommica

    2010/10/08 at 1:38 pm

    Are mormons ALLOWED to say ‘tits’?

  • SweetAdeline

    2010/10/08 at 1:42 pm

    Whatever you do, DO NOT feed that baby brains! Seriously – brains can be very dangerous for children.

    Plus then it turns into “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”. Like now it’s just brains, but soon she’s going to want to hunt someone down and eat them right out of the skull.

    Don’t make me call CPS on you, lady.

  • grad.nauseam

    2010/10/08 at 2:59 pm

    Wait, so you’re saying smashed goldfish crackers are worse than what you expected to find in her diaper?

  • workroom

    2010/10/08 at 3:46 pm

    i keep goldfish crackers in my pants all the time.

  • The Dalai Mama

    2010/10/08 at 4:03 pm

    If smashed up goldfish are the worst thing in Marlo’s diaper–you are LUCKY!

  • jennisdrinking

    2010/10/08 at 4:03 pm

    Working out helps the soul! I’m glad you have good friends, we all need those. YAY for Cami!

  • Laura in Paradise

    2010/10/08 at 4:14 pm

    Soon I will be attending the same church. My hope is to feel the religion the most in my abs.

  • Brea

    2010/10/08 at 4:35 pm

    Working out is like a form of meditation for me – particularly running. I like your church analogy.

    I’m a total freak when I haven’t had my endorphines.

  • evergrey

    2010/10/08 at 5:50 pm

    You are crackin me up!
    Major sympathy for doing the single parenting – I hate it when my hubby goes out of town and leaves me in charge of the two monkeys we gave birth to. But when he gets back I get to take a huge chunk of time for “me” time. Woo Hoo!

  • Rainyday

    2010/10/08 at 6:39 pm

    Reminds me of the time my oldest got up from his nap and upon changing his diaper, several hunks of cheese fell out. Eeeeew. Turns out he hadn’t even eaten it – just mashed up his whole snack and shoved it down his pants. Lovely.

    Hope the solo gig is over soon for you!

    Ha – my captcha: cournmer orous. The scientific name for the Diaper Snack Syndrome.

  • AussieMel

    2010/10/08 at 9:54 pm

    I can’t believe you got a break from baby hell and then had the audacity to complain! 🙂

  • greeblemonkey

    2010/10/08 at 11:26 pm

    At least you are aware of the lunacy. And have a hot bod to show for it. My love handles hate the gym, but adore Netflix.

  • Moomser

    2010/10/09 at 5:11 pm

    I so wish the gym was my church… right now the stove is my church, but I do have great attendance, at least twice a day! So my bishop (that would be the fridge) can consider himself satisfied of my piety.

  • kristi.demeester

    2010/10/09 at 8:48 pm

    I worship at the church of Spinach Artichoke Dip and pray daily to the Patron Saint of Sitting on Your Ass. You could most certainly share some of that motivation.


  • RoseTattoo

    2010/10/10 at 12:10 pm

    St. Mattress is my church.

  • picklesalt

    2010/10/10 at 1:02 pm
  • Blahggy

    2010/10/10 at 8:31 pm

    Only the bestest of friends point out your sweaty tits. And pancake nipples.

  • AlexandraDare

    2010/10/11 at 8:13 am

    Sweaty tits? LOL. Safe to say I don’t think I’ve ever had THAT problem before, but good for you!


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more