the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Lost in translation

Over the weekend I was watching an episode of House Hunters International where a family was moving from the Midwest to Paris. While touring the second floor of a house in the Paris suburbs, the mother pointed out to the realtor that there were no screens or any safety devices on the windows, how was she supposed to keep her two-year-old from jumping to his death? And the realtor answered in English with a deep accent, “Vell, you tell heem not to jump out zee vindow, and he will not jump out zee vindow.”

You guys, why did she not think of that?

I sat there and rewound that segment about seventeen times, pausing each time on the realtor’s face when that mother asked that question, his eyebrows raised to his hairline. I don’t know if there is a French word for DUH? but his face said it.

(maybe, le DUH?)

Perhaps two-year-old French boys would hear, “Do not jump out the window.” But I’m guessing that those boys have been drugged.

Most would hear, “Outside this window is the most amazing toy ever invented. No other child on earth has one. In order to get it you must jump as far off of this ledge as possible. But you have to do it when no one is looking or the toy will go away. Also, the toy will be even bigger if you make a huge fuss over dinner and then kick your mother while she tries to pull your pajamas over your head. One last thing: your big sister is going to find out about this toy in less than 24 hours, so you should probably set her bed on fire while she’s sleeping.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave