the smell of my desperation has become a stench

To stave off the Doritos

One of a few diet tips my trainer shared with me when I started working with her over a year ago was to snack on canned tuna (diet here does not refer to losing weight, but instead to eating healthy), and before you go and make that gagging noise that Jon does every time I even mention it, just hear me out. Or maybe you can’t hear me over Jon’s gagging. That’s fine. Sometimes he can’t hear his geek podcasts because of the sound of my eyes rolling.

So I buy little cans of StarKist solid white albacore tuna and add a little flavor either with soy sauce or a spicy mustard. It’s 110 calories with 20 grams of protein, and I’ve never had a snack keep me so satiated between meals. Also, it helps my muscles recover after my workouts. Does it smell like tuna? Yes, it does. And if your husband is wont to break out crude jokes he learned in middle school, brace yourself.

Today I got home from spin class and headed straight for the cabinet where I keep the tuna. Marlo has an amazing radar when it comes to food, can sense it when we’re even thinking about eating, and she wants a bite of whatever you’re putting in your mouth. She has no fear, no hesitation, and if she doesn’t like the taste of something she’ll just open her mouth and dig the offending food off of her tongue with her hand. Sometimes she’ll just open her mouth and wait for it to fall off or for Coco to come and take care of the dirty work.

You parents without dogs… my god, the work you must do sweeping up crumbs.

I hadn’t even opened the can of tuna and Marlo was tugging on my pants while saying, “Up! Up!” This should be interesting, I thought, especially since I was opening up a new exotic mustard I found online. You guys, this combination is awesome, and it gets even more awesome if you add in a whole wheat tortilla, some shredded cabbage and a blow job!

Snack

So I made my little concoction, picked up Marlo and sat down for my snack. And I had everything balanced so that I could give her a bite. Except… as the fork got closer to her mouth she started to get that who farted? expression on her face. And then she started to move her head as far away from it as she could, her face contorting even more until she let out an audible, “Ewww!

Oh, whatever, kid. I’m not the one who lets a dog eat out of her mouth.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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