An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

To stave off the Doritos

One of a few diet tips my trainer shared with me when I started working with her over a year ago was to snack on canned tuna (diet here does not refer to losing weight, but instead to eating healthy), and before you go and make that gagging noise that Jon does every time I even mention it, just hear me out. Or maybe you can’t hear me over Jon’s gagging. That’s fine. Sometimes he can’t hear his geek podcasts because of the sound of my eyes rolling.

So I buy little cans of StarKist solid white albacore tuna and add a little flavor either with soy sauce or a spicy mustard. It’s 110 calories with 20 grams of protein, and I’ve never had a snack keep me so satiated between meals. Also, it helps my muscles recover after my workouts. Does it smell like tuna? Yes, it does. And if your husband is wont to break out crude jokes he learned in middle school, brace yourself.

Today I got home from spin class and headed straight for the cabinet where I keep the tuna. Marlo has an amazing radar when it comes to food, can sense it when we’re even thinking about eating, and she wants a bite of whatever you’re putting in your mouth. She has no fear, no hesitation, and if she doesn’t like the taste of something she’ll just open her mouth and dig the offending food off of her tongue with her hand. Sometimes she’ll just open her mouth and wait for it to fall off or for Coco to come and take care of the dirty work.

You parents without dogs… my god, the work you must do sweeping up crumbs.

I hadn’t even opened the can of tuna and Marlo was tugging on my pants while saying, “Up! Up!” This should be interesting, I thought, especially since I was opening up a new exotic mustard I found online. You guys, this combination is awesome, and it gets even more awesome if you add in a whole wheat tortilla, some shredded cabbage and a blow job!


So I made my little concoction, picked up Marlo and sat down for my snack. And I had everything balanced so that I could give her a bite. Except… as the fork got closer to her mouth she started to get that who farted? expression on her face. And then she started to move her head as far away from it as she could, her face contorting even more until she let out an audible, “Ewww!

Oh, whatever, kid. I’m not the one who lets a dog eat out of her mouth.

  • brookesummer

    I don’t know about the tuna (ewwww is right Marlo!) but I absolutely agree, I don’t know how parents feed children without dogs. They’re automatic vacuums for crumbs, SO much better than a regular vacuum cleaner! And a vacuum can’t pick up slimy stuff that the doggies love! 😉


  • greeblemonkey

    You have probably pointed this out, seeing as you know, they’re your kids and all, but wasn’t Leta super finicky when she was younger? Funny how the 2nd kid always seems to be opposite.

    And sidenote, Declan will eat anything, and I mean anything. Mussels are like his favorite thing in the world. He even tried caviar recently.

  • freckleface

    Wow… it astounds me how many people wouldn’t at least skim over the comments above them to see if maybe someone else has already lectured you on the perils of mercury. How annoying.

  • mrs.notouching

    Not only you are a bully you are now responsible for extinction of all damn tuna! I am just concerned nobody dug up any deadly facts about that mustard, cause that one surely looks like it could nuke the United States of America.

  • Lazisme

    Bwah! That reminds of when my mom used to torture my brother and I with her cans of deviled ham and hominy. I hated that little can of ham with it’s creepy devil on the label. With a label like that it had to be evil. Potted meat
    products… ::shudder::.

  • cassidy.stockton

    What a great idea! Always looking for snack ideas that will keep me full through the day. Yes, I’ve eaten tuna, but never thought to add mustard or soy sauce (duh!).

  • Lazisme
  • bighugstudio

    Hi Heather,

    I highly recommend Portuguese BOM Petisco Tuna, it’s really good. I hope you can find it where you live. I always thought tuna was all the same but that’s not true. The BOM Petisco is really something else.

    I often have tuna in the morning because it keeps me full. I add about a teaspoon of mayo (either Polish, Japanese or Russian, because it’s much lighter than Hellmans) and I add some chili flakes and when I’m feeling ambitious, some freshly chopped CABBAGE. This is a great combination and I don’t think I need to tell you how healthy cabbage is. It will fill you up even more.

    Of course, if you’re looking for a healthy snack, I also have a great recipe for Green Hummus, it’s a Spinach-Arugula Hummus with Jalapeno pepper.
    I hope you check it out on my blog, Big Hug Studio.

    Oh and if you’re looking for a cool mustard, I just tried a grainy maple flavoured one that’s amazing from Savvy Chef.

  • They made me choose a username

    It’s true that with 5 kids and no dogs, we clean up a LOT of crumbs. (I mean, we would if we cleaned them up. I should probably have just said, “We HAVE a lot of crumbs.”) But it’s also true that we don’t have to clean up dog puke or dog diarrhea.

    Also, was the point of this post to make me want Doritos? It worked!


    I’ll just echo what the others have said Heather:

    Whenever you try to create a healthy snack and implement it as part of your lifestyle, it will ALWAYS turn out to advance your death sooner and kill the earth at the same time.

    But seriously, it’s a great idea; much better than all that salty rubbish.

  • greendragonfly

    I have a strangely odd and yet yummy tuna (or scrambled egg, works well for either application) recipe:

    1 can drained tuna (or a couple of scrambled eggs)
    couple of big forks of dill pickle relish
    jalepeno mustard to taste
    couple tablespoons ranch dressing
    1/2 cup or so of broccoli sprouts, chopped if long
    one large carrot, shredded

    Mix all. Eat on chips or tortillas or bread or… YUMMY.

  • victoriasauce

    Tuna is responsible for the extinction of unicorns.
    The nerve of you, really.

  • laura.elaine

    Your fancy-pants, smarty-pants readers are scaring me with all this mercury talk. And I love tuna. Especially albacore tuna. Yeesh. I’m never coming HERE again! (Kidding, of course. I’ll come here til I DIE OF MERCURY POISONING)

  • strawberrygoldie

    I’m with you, Marlo.

    The only way I eat canned tuna is if it is prepared with tons of mayonnaise and boiled eggs. And salt. And topped with swiss cheese. And smushed between two pieces of buttered toast.

    I gave up sweet tea (OHGODTHEDERRICIOUSGALLONSOFTEA) about five years ago. I replaced it with fattening, unhealthy tuna melts.

    That, my friends, is called balance.

    *please back up with the big ass pin aimed at my delusional bubble*

  • juliemewood

    You really do have no idea how much sweeping is involved! We have hardwood floors, which I love, but a pile of crumbs the size of Mt. Saint Helen to pick up every day, which I hate. It would be nice to have a crumb picker upper but I guess sweeping beats picking up dog crap from the lawn, oh wait, Coco takes care of that for you, you’re golden.

  • love guru

    Be aware about eating Dorritos next your match ;))

    Check this

  • Keep It Simple Foods

    I wish I had not read this post during lunch (coincidentally, a tuna wrap). Although I love the idea of tuna and mustard (yes! keep doing this!), the thought of a dog lapping food out of a child’s mouth is so repuslive, that my appetite has instantly vanished. Perhaps I should thank you for saving me the calories? 😉

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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