An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Bootylicious Since 1742

The other day I was in spin class getting my butt kicked when the riff from the Stevie Nicks song “Edge of Seventeen” started playing on the instructor’s playlist. And I was like, AWWWWW YEAH, MY BODY’S TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR YA BABE! Except, it wasn’t Destiny’s Child. It was the actual Stevie Nicks song, and right then I was like, I hope no one from Williamsburg or Park Slope is eavesdropping on my mind right now! HOW EMBARRASSING.

The title of this post was the tagline for the first masthead I ever designed for this website (It didn’t make sense then. Still doesn’t.)(I didn’t start designing mastheads until September 2001. Before then I was a bit busy sowing my oats.)

Sunday marks the tenth birthday of Writing that sentence simultaneously blows my mind and makes me want to yell incoherently at some stupid kid to pull up his pants. Ten years. It’s older than my first child. Older than the dog I adopted from a shelter in Pasadena, California a few months after 9/11. It’s older than my marriage. I’m thinking it should go blonde to hide all its gray hair.

I’m heading out of town today, and since I am going to be gone through the weekend Tyrant decided to play a little trick on me yesterday. Luckily it did not involve setting my hair on fire. Aaaaaand great. Now that I’ve written that I’ve given him all sorts of ideas. PUT DOWN THE FLAME THROWER, DUDE.

Leta was just back from school and all of us were hanging out in the living room when Tyrant burst through the kitchen door shaking his head in disgust.

“Um… there’s… did you guys feed something weird to Coco? Because she’s over here cowering in the corner and there’s a giant puddle in the dining room.”

Dear Lord, seriously? Again? I’ve got a million things to get done before I have to leave and I’m going to spend the next hour on my hands and knees cleaning up dog vomit? Or maybe dog diarrhea? Is there a preferable option? YES, THERE IS. And that option is lying naked on a heated table while Zac Efron gives my shoulders a deep tissue massage.

HE’S LEGAL. Stop looking at me like that.

So I stomp over to the dining room expecting a scene straight out of Apocalypse Now only to see a dozen assorted cupcakes sitting in the middle of the table, ten birthday candles, and a small flag jutting up through the frosting on each cake, each flag printed with a message that bears great meaning to the evolution of this website.

How incredibly thoughtful of someone who once tricked me into thinking I had eaten my dead pet fish.

No, really. How unbelievable is this? The lovely people at the Sweet Tooth Fairy put this all together for us, and by us I mean all of the people living and working in this house, and you, you who have come on this wild, vomit-inducing car chase with me.

To celebrate this birthday, I would love to share these cupcakes with each and every one of you, even the readers who insulted my bathroom tiles, YOU, TOO. But since I can’t I’ve decided to give away a $1,000 cash card to someone. (That’s 10 plus a couple of zeros, see how clever that is? I came up with that all by myself. Calculus, you were worth it!)

This isn’t some sponsored giveaway. This is straight from us to you.

So, what I want to know is this… dooce was a nickname I had back in my single days, the result of an idiotic, frequent typo I made when trying to tap out duuuuuuude in an instant message window. I know, it’s not the greatest story ever told. In fact, I want to punch myself in the balls for you. Which is why I want to hear about yours. (Your nickname, not your balls. Unless you’ve got some Pulitzer Prize winning groin, and in that case I’M ALL EARS. )

What is your nickname, and why?

I’ll pick a random winner from the comments which I’ll close at 10 PM Mountain Time on Sunday night, February 27, 2011, and then announce the winner on Monday morning.

I can’t thank you enough for the support you’ve given me over the last ten years, especially to those of you who helped me through those dark months in 2004 when you let me know I was not alone. I am alive because of you.

Thank you for helping me live a dream.

  • beak3chimps

    My nickname was and is Diddle. When I was three I loved the associated nursery rhyme, and refused to answer to anything else. You can see why I don’t use this name as a handle on the internet….

  • patticakes

    Patticakes because my name is Patti and I like to bake. Yawn.

    You’re my favorite read. Happy Anniversary.

  • Krisitin

    Aw man, mine is a lame nickname also derived from a typo. I can’t spell my own name Kristin when typing too fast so the Tyrant in my life loves to call me Krisitin and never lets me live down my bad typing mistake.

  • mirielmargaret

    In ninth grade someone nicknamed me Sassy Pants. It got put on the back of a sweatshirt. Imagine the confusion whenever anyone saw me when the first letter was not immediately visible.

  • Zannah

    Congratulations on ten years! My nickname has been Zannah for as long as I remember (short for Susannah). Not all that exciting. Some of my friends called me Q in high school (short for Susie-Q, which I hated). My husband is constantly trying out nicknames on me (all food-related), but he’s never settled on one.

  • poohbeargs

    I have two. The first is Mags, which is what my grandmother calls me. My full name is Mary Margaret, and I used to get called Mary the Maggot (lovingly, of course), which she shortened to Mags.

    When I worked at Girl Scout camp, my camp name was Pooh Bear, which means that a whole generation of young women still call me that, mostly on Facebook. That is sometimes shortened to Pooh or PB, as well.

  • pehuff

    Many variations of Spam. My favorite is Lady Spamela (well before Lady Gaga).
    It’s silly but regal.

  • lilysmc

    Ever since I was little my dad has called me Ike. My name is Stephanie. If you can tell me where he got that from then you will have answered the question i’ve ask myself and my father for 25 years with no luck.


  • nikki B

    sweetgoose is what my husband sometimes calls me. It’s because of the way I curl up on the couch.

    Happy Birthday,!

  • tuggs

    I have a few, but my favourite is ‘truck’. My soon-to-be step-son couldn’t pronounce “Jill” when we met (he was 16 months old). He also couldn’t say “truck”. He’d say “gnnnnnk” instead. Which is nowhere near truck. He adores all forms of transportation, so I was secretly thrilled when he started addressing me as “truck” as well. He now calls me Jillybean, but the name stuck with the rest of the family.

    Happy Anniversary!

  • iamwhimiscal

    My name is Alison, so my nickname is Ali… It’s really unique.

  • carriecakes

    My parents nicknamed me “pookie” when I was a baby and they still insist on calling me that even though I am 40!

    My husband calls me CarrieCakes…no idea on that one.

    Congratulations on 10 years!

  • Joana

    I have a really funny nickname my uncle gave me: Gimmeou. This is from the song “Joanna Gimme Hope”, which my uncle, not knowing that much of english (we’re portuguese from portugal), sang like “Joanna gimme ou, Joanna, gimme ou!”. I still love it when he calls me that.

  • molspins

    What a lovely post. Made me tear up a little

    My nickname for the longest time was “McButter.” Cuz my name’s Molly. Get it?

    Ugh, I know.

    Anyhow, through the years, I’ve been Flamingo, ButtChin, Mols, and — of course — Miss Molly.

    But McButter was the best, because it was always sung in a high, operatic voice.

    Good times.

  • mycouchhascrumbs

    Well, currently? My best friend, my brother, and my husband like to call me The Hammer. Because at thanksgiving this year when I went to LOVINGLY punch my brother in the shoulder for making some remark, they all decided to notice that I cant punch. I swing my fist like a hammer, and obviously the results are not very impressive. Lame, maybe, but they all think its hilarious. They hijack my fb and say dumb things like Tha Hammer is coming down…they like to post MC Hammers song to my profile. Its not MY fault neither of my brothers took me aside and never taught me how to punch! Thats it though, nothing special 🙂

    Congrats on 10 years Heather. Even though I havent been here the whole 10, I have read it all. And you have made me realize that its going to be alright on the days where I worry it wont. Thanks for that.

  • Lizzy B.

    Hi. I’m Elizabeth aka Lizzy B. aka The Notorious LIZ. What what.

  • Heidi from NJ

    Happy Anniversary!

    Was called Speidi Hot Potato in high school by the older sister of my good friend.

    My husband and I called each other variations of Stupidhead when we were dating and once found a framed quote of “Love is being stupid together”. Of course we had to buy THAT.

  • paulroub

    My login captcha text just now was “meemp Wirsing”, and I considered claiming that as my nickname.

    Nicknames never stuck to me for some reason… single-syllable first and last names probably had something to do with that.

    In college, though, my roommate and his friends notice a resemblance to someone from Family Ties. Nick, right? Maybe Alex? No. Skippy.

    I think it was the haircut + awkwardness combo that did it. So to that crowd, I was forever Skippy, or later “Skip”.

  • Plano Mom

    Beth from my mother.
    Lizard Breath from my brother.
    Dad shortened it to Breath.
    B from my best friend.
    Bethy from my grandmother, and only her.
    My last name was Rich. I’ll let you use your imagination on the stupid nicknames. Whatever you come up with, it’s been done.

  • ashanne

    Smashley – let’s just say i had quite the alter ego after a few too many shots!

  • ingabite1979

    My name is Jody and my husband has taken to calling me Jobi-Wan Kenobi on occasion in honor of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I do not know where this came from since neither of us are into Star Wars. But he calls me this when I am trying to keep a straight face and he knows something this stupid will surely make me crack.

    Oh, when I had the chicken pox I got Scabby Hayes alluding to actor Gabby Hayes. I was like six and didn’t know who the hell Gabby Hayes was, but I was still pissed.

  • jwesch88

    My nickname is Mootsie. When my mom was a kid, her mom called her moo cow (because she liked cows now because she was fat) and when i was born, one of the first things my grandma said was look at the little moo cow! then it was shortened to little moo. and little moo was shortened to moo moo. then moots came about over the years. then one day my mom was being all cute and she said moooottssieee time to wake up. and mootsie stuck. I am 22, and my family all still calls me moots or mootsie.

    my little sisters nick name is “tuda” pronounced like “too-ta” when she was a baby she farted ALL the time! so we called her toot-toot. and through the years it has been shortened to tuda and everyone in our family calls her that!

  • Jenknee

    My nicknames are either “Jerimiah” or “Barcelona” …. which came from my gay roommate. And are actually more tied to the wigs we wear when we’re in Jerimiah (crazy big hair) or Barcelona (sleek brunette) costume.

    And yes we do this sober. And in public. We’re weird…. BUT FUN!

  • donnabogie

    Donna do you wanna, was my nick name and i usually wanted to!

  • crcwarner

    Sadly,I have no real nickname. In high school my friends called me “Atilla” after Atilla the Hun. Thankfully that never stuck. Now, the only real nickname I have is a shortened version of my already short (5-letter) name. So boring!

  • IndiaJen

    Beanie, due largely in part to a mild interest in jelly beans as a toddler and my parents latched onto it. Ugh. I wish I had some cool alter ego moniker but when you’re named Jennifer it’s an uphill battle.

  • EZK

    I had the nickname Easy E in high school! (My initials were EZ back then)

    I was known as Big Bird in Elementary school because I dressed in a weird bird outfit in the 4th grade play.

    And I was the Jolly Green Giant before that.

    I might of had a huge growth spurt in Kindergarten that made me a foot taller than everyone else until high school…thankfully, I didn’t know that I could be offended by these; I thought they were hilarious!

  • avallen

    My husband calls me Shunny. It’s a mash-up between Seinfeld’s Shmoopy and Honey.

    I’m assuming since this one isn’t “sponsored” us Canadians can partake.
    S’boot time.

  • 2bdboys

    sadly my nickname-only my husband calls me this-is ‘poop’, it has to do with being pregnant, many details my husband didn’t really need to know about, (still doesn’t) he has no filter-I happen to be pregnant again-15 years later and he just told his basketball team i’m 40% effaced…like they know what that means or care…anyway, it’s not malicious at all and he does call me that in public…what’s worse is that most times i answer…

  • Petey

    My nickname is Petey. I got it in a bar in college – over 20 years ago! An older guy who was in one of my classes recognized me from class, asked me my name and said “Yeah – I don’t like it. I’m gonna call you Petey.” And from that point on – everyone called me Petey.

    Interestingly enough I ran into that guy in a bar a few years after graduation and he introduced me to his brother. Who I am now married to.

    And if I win – I’ll tell you my real name!

  • Deuberj

    Well, by my friends its always been Doob (last name is Deuber, pronounced Doober).

    My dad on the other hand has taken to callin me Leetle Juan… the Latin version of “little one.”

  • valeriegp

    Sadly, as an adult I don’t really have a nickname, except for the shortened version of my name–Val. As a kid, though, my nickname was Motor Mouth. As the story goes, I liked to talk a lot. Apparently I talked and talked and talked and talked. Seriously, they say I would never shut up. It’s incredible, really, that I don’t remember talking so much. Are they making this up? Was it some kind of tease because I was too quiet, but I’ve blocked out the terrible memory so I have no idea what the truth really is? Did I not cheer enough in the dugout at my softball games? Did I — for shame! — give away secrets? Clearly, this nickname affected me greatly.

    Motor Mouth – sheesh.

  • smodan

    Grace. Given to me by my now-husband on our second date. I was dressed oh-so-prettily in a blue dress and sexy sandals when I took a header off the curb onto the street, badly bloodying my knee and ripping my lovely dress. Did I mention our first date was at Home Depot? We’re cool like that.

  • similicious

    My nickname is Pizza. I wanted my daughter to call me Sima (my first name, Simi, and the Bangla word for mother, ma, joined). Clever, ya? But she flipped the syllables, and the vowels, and can’t pronounce the letter ‘m’. Get it?

  • Tatstar

    Well I don’t really have a nickname in real life – my name is Tara and that was always too short. Although in high school I was sometimes called T or T Baby, depending on how sassy people were trying to be when getting my attention.

    Now when the internets were invented and it was time to choose a name for email addresses, my friend and developed a combination of our initials followed by “star”, because – well we were teenage girls and thought we were stars. So Tatstar has been my default user name/email from the moment I stepped on the web super highway. Of course most people assume that I have a lot of tattoos, but it just happens that my initials were (I’m married now) TAT back in the day. I still use it, even though my initials are TAC now.

    Happy 10 years.

  • briar0rose

    My father’s nickname for me was Peedelpoot because when I was born, he said I wasn’t any bigger than a poot. His nicknames were legend.

    My oldest & closest friends, including my husband, call me Chris instead of my full name. Which makes things confusing around his family because they all call him Chris (his middle name) while I know him by his first name (John). Yeah, that huh? expression you’re wearing now? I love telling this story just to see it on people.

    Congrats on the 10 years of great writing! Here’s to 10 more!

  • busq

    Busquakerson K. That is what my husband calls me. Sooo sexy.

  • hockeybrad

    My wife and I have been together forever, so long that her first nickname for me was cutesy and lovey and teenagey. “Bradee”. Well, my guy friends heard it one time, and since we’re all still friends, they love to whip that one out on me in the locker room before a hockey game. Nice.

    I’ve really enjoyed your site all of these years. I tuned in right when Leta was born and it’s been quite a ride since then. I bought and enjoyed your book, and I’d love to shake your hand some day and tell you face to face that I admire the courage in your writing.

  • montana mommy

    my ski coach in high school called me “cheesey” i guess i smiled a lot. other wise no nicknames, but now i go by momma, mommie, mamma. it fits 🙂

    i’ve been a fan since april of 2004. right after my first daughter was born. i spent many colicky nights going through your archives and posts that spring/summer. really helped me get through the first few months of baby. it was fun to read about leta and kinda go through the same thing with my daughter at the same time.

    sunday, feb 27 is my birthday too! although i’m a little older than 10! happy birthday dooce!

  • sarahd2

    It’s still Rahrah. Because my sister couldn’t pronounce my name when she was little. And it’s fine when my dad still does it but when my college boyfriend’s friends run in to me randomly and yell “Rahrah!” it’s kind of creepy.

  • jconnolly

    Storman Norman because my maiden name was Norman and during the Golf War when General Norman Schwartzkopf was head of the surge I was also one who had a tendency to push right through without a thought or care of whom it might affect

  • teamtradermom

    I’ve had several – Haras (name spelled backwards), A-T (first letter of each of my hyphenated last names), and SAten (first initial of 1st name and first 4 letters of last name)!

  • ashley_crenshaw

    Ass-ley.. given to me by a three-year-old back in the early 90’s because she couldn’t say Ashley. Not only do I have a large ass, but sometimes I can be one. It’s sad that a child could see that. Sigh.

    Happy 10 years!!! I have loved you the whole way!

  • Kona

    My nickname is/was “boner.” Because “Kona” rhymes with “bona,” so my mom used to call me “Kona bona.” Then my friends in high school realized that “bona” sound like “boner.”


  • picksadaisy

    They call me Cookie, because cookies are awesome.

  • rachaelizabeth

    My nickname is Reek since my initials are REC…My friend’s father gave it to me when I was 15 and it has stuck ever since (I’m 28). I’m about to get married though so my initials will turn to REM. We’ve already wondered if my nickname will turn to REEM, like a reem of paper. but that seems weird.

  • Girassol

    Happy anniversary! I’ve been reading you since the “Elopacious” photos were posted, and have been back nearly every day since. Even though I’m (gasp!) an active Mormon. I just love your fresh take on the world, and I think it transcends religion, gender, age, race, geography, and all the other barriers that we like to put up. You’re funny and you’re human, and in the end we all are, and you’ve helped me take myself and the world less seriously.

    I have a first name that has no nickname options, so the only one that has ever stuck is Spitfire, which my dad gave me as a kid. Because that’s basically what I do when provoked. (See what I mean about needing to take things less seriously?)

  • SheilaJ

    Sam, Sheila Ann M……

  • alisons21088

    right, so my name is alison (obviously) but my nickname from the time i was a baby is oopie (or oopy) when i was little i was prone to falling all the time and i would jump up and say “Oops! i’m ok!” somehow that got turned into Oopie. 23 years old and i’m still Oopie to my family and old friends.

  • Mrs Squirrel Assassin

    My maiden name was Batte (pronounced bat) so my mom often called me Dingbat. Does that count?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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