Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Featured community question wherein we get to blame our parents

This one comes from member CurlyCat:

And the reason I’m featuring it is because some of the responses are just too good.

For example, the quip of a concerned mother:



Lesson learned. If Leta does something weird with her hair, the proper response is, “I see you did something interesting with your hair!” Not, “Was it your intention to look like you’re on the verge of death?”

And this one from a concerned father:



If my father ever said this to me I don’t think I’d ever get in a car again. Or even leave the house because CARS ARE EVERYWHERE.

This next one should win an Academy Award for Awesome. And I may actually try this one on my kids:



This mother obviously hadn’t ever heard of the five-second rule:



The best part of that one is the waiting… like, THANKS MOM. I could have enjoyed my summer, but I was waiting to die AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

And this final one is just so mean that now I’ve got a serious fear of going to the bathroom anywhere:




When I was a kid my dad told me that if you cross your eyes and someone comes along and knocks you in the back of your head that your eyes will stay like that forever. To this day I have to leave the room when someone is joking around and crosses their eyes, because I’m not sure I could resist hitting them in the back of the head just to see, you know, what if?

  • apricoco

    I was probably about five or six years old and I fell and cut my leg pretty badly. The wound required six stitches. In my childhood logic, since they hurt going in they were going to hurt coming out. I may have done a death grip on the door a couple of times and hid once and we missed two doctors appointments to have them removed.

    Finally, my Mom showed up early to pick me up from school, she told me that she spoke to the doctor and if I didn’t have the stitches taken out ***THAT VERY DAY*** that my leg would turn green and fall off. “Do you want to have no leg?” She asked…. You’ve never seen a child more eager to go to the doctor. Never.

  • Jessedup

    I once picked up a twinkie (still in the wrapper) on the school bus. I was eating it when I got home and, rightfully so, Mom wondered where I got it. I explained. She was horrified. Her sage words? “Someone with AIDS could have peed on that!!”


  • lilbrice

    I have the worst one. and its not my parents that did something (although I have a ton of stories for them!) but something I did to my own son. I am a huge fan of april fools day pranks. so one morning on april 1st I told my 8 year old son that there was a spider on his head, ready instantly to yell APRIL FOOLS. instead my son began to cry and wonder why his mother would let a spider sit on his head without doing anything to get if off of him! my son is now 25 and claims he needs therapy for his insane fear of spiders. he brings it up in our family on a regular basis to say the least. and I still feel guilty every time! didn’t really think that one all the way through!

  • maisonsmommy

    My friend from college… we’ll call her Sally… got a bikini wax… She was showing her ultra Southern mother the results. Keep in mind that when this woman speaks, she makes Scarlett O’Hara’s accent sound like a Yankee… Sally showed her mom the results of the waxing and her mother responded: “Sally! Put your pussy up!” We’ve been out of college for years and years and all of Sally’s friends still remind each other in our best Southern drawl to keep that thing under wraps.

  • patrice108

    I once had a toilet snake. I mean, “snake” is probably an overstatement because it was the size of a worm, but it was technically a snake because I could see its snakey head. it was only about 3.5″ long and I knew it wouldn’t slither up and touch me, but I felt terrible that there was no way on earth that I would reach in and get it out so it would have to die in that toilet when I flushed. the bigger issue was me wondering how it got there. it seemed unlikely that it slithered in there, seemed unlikely that it would have been able to come up to the second floor through the pipes…so…DID IT COME OUT OF MY ASS???

  • Sadie923

    When I was about 11 my mom picked me up from a friend’s house where I had spent the night at a slumber party. After chatting with the friend’s mom for a while, she looked at me and said, “Well, let’s go home. We have to change the oil in your hair.”

    I was mortified. Yes, my hair was dirty. And she was probably embarrassed. But dude. 25 years later, I haven’t forgotten.

  • LillyO

    My mom was having a cocktail party with her friends. She noticed I had used too much concealer to try to cover a pimple on my chin. A little lit, she pulled me closer to get a look and screamed. “OH, IT’S JUST A PIMPLE IN YOUR DIMPLE!” Then she hit the floor laughing at her clever rhyme. Over and over she would snork air between laughs and repeat “PIMPLE IN YOUR DIMPLE.” Nice, mom. Glad YOU were amused! Looking for your retirement home, now! ;oD

  • Karen Cordano

    When I was about 4 I sucked on the knuckle of my middle finger until I got a wart-like thing. My parents tried everything to break the habit, the gross tasting stuff you could paint on, taping my two fingers together, bribery. Nothing worked. Finally my dad said, “Listen, you can totally keep sucking on your finger if you want. But if you do the doctor is going to have to cut it off.” He was deadly serious. I immediately stopped and was scarred for life.

  • Hedda

    My grandmothers were truly evil…

    One grandmother used to sing a little ditty that went like this:
    Heather, Heather, is no good.
    Chop her up for kindling wood.
    Put her in the fire bright,
    And we’ll be warm throughout the night.

    Oh, haha. How cute.

    The other grandmother casually said to me a couple of years ago, as we watched my much younger cousin open a Christmas present that consisted of a bug catcher, “You know, daddy long legs was the only bug you wouldn’t let me put on you.”

    Me: “Hmmmm……. (pause)…. WHY were you putting bugs on me???”

    I tell these stories when people give me funny looks as a way of explaining it is just not my fault I am so weird.

  • kristinaj21

    When I was little, my Dad and I used to go fishing a lot. I was afraid that the hooks hurt the fish, so I was a little hesitant. My Dad told me not to worry, fish didn’t have nerves in their mouthes, so they couldn’t feel the hook. I felt so much better, and this led to years more of fishing.

    Flash foward to college. I was in a car with a few of my friends, and I was telling them about how I used to go fishing all the time with my Dad, and wasn’t it convenient that fish didn’t have nerves in their mouthes, so they couldn’t feel the hook. Everyone turned and stared at me in awe. Mind you, I am a fairly intelligent person, so this would have been (as I learned shortly after), a bit of a ridiculous statement. So I say, “What?? Fish do have nerves in their mouthes??” which was met with a lot of laughter. I called my Dad, demanding to know why he told me that. His response, “How else could I get you to go fishing with me? I can’t believe you still believed that!!”

    Thanks Dad 🙂 I’m sure he’s still having a laugh over that one.

  • iPattie

    My parents told me that the sunflower seeds I ate were taking root in my stomach and that sunflowers were actually starting to grow. I kept waiting for a sunflower to pop out of my mouth, certain it would kill me. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

  • SuzRocks

    My dad always used to joke about how he had to carry a big stick to keep all the guys away.

    After I got my hair cut once he says to me, “Well…I guess I can start carrying a smaller stick.”

    Thanks dad..

  • swerner28

    It wasn’t a parent, but my uncle… I have freckles, and when I was a young child of 5 or 6 someone at a family function was telling me that they were little angel kisses. My uncle cut in and very matter of factly told everyone that they were not kisses from an angel. He continued to explain that what happened is that a fly had shit on my face. Really? Why would you do that? To this day I hate my freckles…

  • missusclark

    Ah, the damage parents do to their kids…. Many years ago, when I was maybe 14, curvy, yet all of about 105lbs, I was floating peacefully, face down, on a raft in the pool of our Phoenix apartment. My mom, with cigarette in hand,looks over at me and says, “Jesus, kid! Your ass is an ax-handle-and-half wide!” I rolled of that raft and it took more than 30 years (and the love/admiration of a good man) for me to be comfortable showing my bare thighs.

  • Canadianna

    A few years ago, while sporting a colourful coiffure and working at a quilting store, a frazzled parent warned her child:

    “If you don’t behave the woman with the purple hair will bite you.”


  • Gulliver1

    I was about 9 years old and was watching a documentary with my family. The narrator mentioned that the exhumed prehistoric man had worms and my mom looked at me and said “that’s what you have.” I seriously thought I had worms for years and even wrote a will stating that I died of worms. Looking back, she just said that because she thought i ate too much all the time.

  • buckien

    this little ditty was told to each of us by my grandmother: if you sit on a boy’s lap while you are wearing a bathing suit, you will get pregnant. my grandmother originally told this to her two girls, my mom being one of them. then she told each of her grandchildren as they got old enough and started dating. my daughter is now 15 and has her first “boyfriend”. while my grandmother is no longer alive, fear not! the other day my male cousin texted me to make sure I pass on our grandmother’s sage advice to my daughter. funny and sweet.

  • Wendy Hill

    When I was a kid, I believed EVERYTHING that came out of my dad’s mouth. We were sitting down for dinner one night and I asked him why we ate this with that and he told me that one time he was walking through the woods and a little troll popped out of a hole ih the bottom of a tree and invited him in for dinner. That’s what he was troll was serving and he’s eaten it that way ever since.

    Or one time we were fishing and he told me that he had cousins that were indians and lived in the the forest (what is it with trees anyway) so from the boat he hollered towards shore “Hello”, and then it would echo back…of course it was his ‘cousins’ saying hello back. sheesh!

  • Wendy Hill

    Ooh, one more. When ever I got hurt, pinched my finger in the door, fell down and scraped my knee…my dad would just say, well let’s go out the shed and we’ll have to cut it off. Wouldn’t you know it, but all of the sudden my owies would fell 100% better!

  • Cheryl M.

    My father used to try to catch my tongue if I stuck it out at him…which can be an awesome game if you are around six years old.

    Well, one day, he was in the bathroom shaving, so I snuck up next to him and stuck my tongue out at him.

    I swear, it’s the first time he ever caught anything, and it was my tooth! He moved so quickly that he pulled it right out of my head without me feeling an iota of pain, and it wasn’t even loose!

    Also, I am adopted (by my birth mother’s sister), and have a younger sister (cousin by blood). When I was ten and she was around five, any time we got into a fight, she would say “Mom loves me more because I’m her real daughter!”

    Naturally, that statement devastated me. So I said the only thing I could think of in response…

    “No, she loves me more because she got to pick me. She just got stuck with you!”

    Ahh the joys of childhood!

  • ArtisticFlair2004

    My mom told me when I was seven that she really liked the fact that we lived in a small town because no matter what my sisters and I did SOMEONE was going to end up telling her about it. After that I never missed a day of school, got really good grades, always made a complete stop at stop signs, and never drank underage or tried drugs. Sneaky, Mom, sneaky…

  • Bunnie W.

    Y’all know about the Chlorine Man, right? The guy who waits for you to be in the pool alone and then swims up out of the drain at bottom of the deep end, grabs your ankle, and pulls you down? Terrifying!

    I have my mom and her sisters to thank for that one. It scared them when they were young, so they thought they’d pass it on to the next generation.

  • Krissie

    My grandparents told my mom and all of her brothers and sisters that the Ice Cream truck only played the music when they were OUT of ice cream! That is just mean.

  • jessiehartman

    My husband recently told our oldest daughter (who is almost 6) that if she kept playing with an olive pit he was going to make her eat it, and then she wouldn’t be able to poop.

    She forgot he told her that she would need to eat it if she kept playing, and then was told to eat it. Besides her telling him that he was insane, and he had lost his mind – she then yelled, “I want to live, and I want to be able to poop…”

    Nope, no therapy going on in her future. FYI – she was not made to eat the pit, but write “I will listen”…

  • tidw0516

    I know I already posted one, but I just thought of an instance where my parents totally traumatized me (I tend to block it out, so it took me a day to remember). I started my period when I was 10. My mother called all of my teachers to let them know in case I had to go to the bathroom more than usual. THAT’S NOT EVEN THE TRAUMATIZING PART.

    A few minutes after I got home from school, a flower delivery person came to the door. With flowers for me and a card that said, “To my little woman… Love, Dad.” Most mortifying moment of my life.

  • Briana

    Report card comments in Ontario used to be picked from a bank of pre-set comments. My grade 7 gym teacher made the terrible mistake of picking one that said I was doing well in sex ed (thanks Mr. Russell). My parents laughed and laughed about it.

    Then at my birthday party, my dad called me a ‘sexpert’ in front of all of my friends. Ahhhh!

  • MaritimeSinker

    Last year, my parents, my brother, a friend and I were out to lunch and the topic of abortion came up. My brother said, “If people would just use condoms…”
    To which my mother cut him off, saying, “Sweetie, those things never work.” AND PATTED ME ON THE SHOULDER. I cried a little bit.

  • Totah Sam

    My mother is Spanish. I was 5 when she told us the story of La Llorona and admonished us not to cry when told to go to bed.


    Because La Llorona would get us.

    I’m still scared of the dark.

  • Hendo

    Come on, Heather. You knew toilet frogs existed. I’m Australian. I grew up on the coast (near Byron Bay NSW if any other Australians are reading) with frogs in the outdoor toilet (we had an inside toilet at home as well) … frogs in the toilet blocks at school (they were separate to the main building, my school was tiny, 30 kids)… frogs in the gutters, the washing machine pipes, the dog’s water dishes, we even had one in the WALL. One big frog used to climb into the insulation in our garage wall and croak whenever it was about to rain, for years.

    They weren’t there EVERY time but they were there enough that I honestly couldn’t tell you how many times it happened. I :can: tell you that I check toilets every single time I use one in case there is something unusual in there.

    Someone even a song about redbacks (poisonous spider) under the toilet seat… that’s how often we get crazy stuff in our toilets… outside the cities anyway!

  • TK

    Regarding the frog in the toilet. That could actually be a true story if Grandpa lived in Australia.

    No word of a lie here. I was staying at my brother’s house in Australia from January – April this year. About a week before I left to come back to Canada my brother said “had the weirdest experience this morning…. you know those green frogs we have around here, I went to take a piss this morning, lifted the lid on the toilet and there in the toilet bowl looking up at me was a green frog….”. I asked what the frog did then… “he turned around and swam back down into the toilet”.

    SERIOUSLY, this happened 3 times in one day….

  • TK


    Loved Byron Bay mate!!!

    My brother lives outside of Brisbane on Bribie Island. The spiders and snakes are something I can happily live without…. Thank God I never saw a red back but the Huntsman were enough for me. Three HUGE mother fuckers I encountered there. One of them was when I went to the bathroom one night when we came home from dinner. I saw that huge ass Huntsman scurry across the toilet seat, down the side, up the wall on to the ceiling… like I was going to be able to pee with that thing hovering above my head! Thank God my dad was still up. Two days later, one chased me down the hall into the kitchen and I hopped up onto the island in the kitchen – yep, we had company that night too!!! The 3rd Huntsman was in my bedroom late one night. I was sitting on the floor organizing some stuff and I see this movement out of the corner of my eye, something big running beside the wall, I hopped up off the floor where I was sitting, ran across THE BED and out into the living room. Of course, by this time, everybody else in the house was asleep and would have KILLED ME if I’d woken them to deal with the spider. SO, I went back into the bedroom, grabbed my running shoe, chased the fucker into the closet and then beat the shit out if him with the heel of my shoe. Then I flushed him, just to be sure…..

    For those not familiar with the lovely Huntsman spider, picture a big bald tarantula and that’s about what I’m talking about. They are not poisonous, but, they will bite if provoked…. which apparently hurts.

    OTHER THAN THE SPIDERS AND SNAKES AND OTHER VARIOUS BUGS, Australia is a lovely place. But the magpies can kiss my ass too. They killed my baby bird. Shortly after I arrived there, my brother and I found a baby Butcher Bird – they are a smallish bird that eats bugs and stuff and they sing very loudly and beautifully. They are a blast to feed if you toss the food in the air and they will fly and catch it. I’d do this if they were sitting on the roof, otherwise, they’d eat out my hand. The baby we found had a broken wing. We looked after her for almost three months. Feeding her several times a day. Usually just raw meat and if we killed any bugs or anything we’d leave her the bodies which she would eat. The the fucking magpies ganged up on her and tried to kill her. I saved her from their 1st attack, by about 10 seconds… three birds, 5x her size had her pinned to the grass and were trying to kill her, I stopped them and I actually thought she was dead. But she lived. However, she was never the same after that. The magpies kept coming and looking for her but we’d chase them away. But a few days later, she was gone. We think she’d actually been a lot more injured in the initial attack because she started to look pretty frail. Then one morning she just never showed up for breakfast again…

  • MN Sukie

    To get to the movie theatre in my home town we had to walk over the Higgins Ave Bridge, it is very high and the water is very shallow. When I was 4 or 5 my oldest sister (who was about 17 or 18) told me that if I went too close to the hand rail the wind would pick me up and flip me into the river.

    I am now 42 and still stress out when walking across a bridge. She thinks it is funny.

  • TxSuzyQ

    Uhm, yeah. Enough with the Camilla bit. She is gorgeous, but those clothes are hiddeous and not at all fashionable. Please do not encourage her to wear these outfits in public!!!

  • zaneeta

    my parents told me , after i started reading in the bathroom with the door locked (i was the BIGGEST bookworm when i was little), that if i sat on the toilet too long my insides would come out my butt…didn’t figure out that was a lie until college.

    oh, and also, my mom once told me (we were watching a movie in which one of the characters was coughing and then later died) that she knew someone would die because they were coughing. i thought she meant anytime anyone coughed anywhere, and i was terrified whenever someone i knew coughed. my brother had a similar problem where he thought everyone that sang died because my mom listened to oldies and everytime he asked what a singer was doing now, she told him they were dead. he still doesn’t sing.

  • downloaddriver4u


    When I was a kid my dad told me that if you cross your eyes and someone comes along and knocks you in the back of your head that your eyes will stay like that forever. To this day I have to leave the room when someone is joking around and crosses their eyes, because I’m not sure I could resist hitting them in the back of the head just to see, you know, what if?
    My blogs:

  • jennifah19

    my mom told me not to place my flowing locks anywhere near the bathtub drain, because that was how Telly Savalas lost all his hair (you know, in that terrible hair-sucked-down-the-bathtub-drain accident). the most lasting/damaging effect of this story results from having to picture telly savalas in the bathtub.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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