the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Monkey see, monkey do

A couple of weeks ago we had a large shelving unit for our living room delivered. It was so heavy that it took two burly men to get it through the door and over to the wall. After they stepped away I gasped, because seeing it in person was nothing like seeing it online. Kind of like when people see me in person having only read this website, and they’re all I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING ABOUT THAT CHIN!

Nope. Not kidding. This chin can slice raw meat. That’s really disgusting now that I actually wrote it. Moving on.

So I was standing there choked up because the shelving unit it so beautiful, and I know, SO WHAT. It’s just a shelving unit, for crying out loud. People have real problems, HEATHER, and here you are going on and on about a shelving unit? Could you possibly be more out of touch?

And then you call me douche. End scene.

It just so happens that this is the shelving unit I’m going to use to file away all the paperwork concerning the charities I work with. HA! SEE? That’s called a NEENER.

Marlo was toddling about the living room as we signed some paperwork, and when she stopped and beheld the glory that is this shelving unit, she put her hands on her hips and yelled, “SHUT. UP.”

Yeah.

And then she did it again. “SHUUUUT. UUUUP.”

One of the delivery guys did a double take and said, “Well, THAT was rude.”

Marlo’s response?

SHUT UP!

I stepped in front of her and explained that I often express my astonishment and wonder by shouting that phrase. You know, like, NO WAY! SHUT UP. It’s means “how incredibly awesome!” So Marlo was just saying that this shelving unit is the total shit. She wasn’t trying to insult you. In fact, you’re lucky she didn’t tell you to suck it.

He turned to walk out the door and mumbled, “Well, if that is okay in your house.”

Judgy judgles! Whoa there. He just told me I was doing it wrong. IN MY LIVING ROOM. Oh my god, you guys. You know what this means? Those comments on YouTube videos?

THOSE ARE REAL PEOPLE.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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