the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Monkey see, monkey do

A couple of weeks ago we had a large shelving unit for our living room delivered. It was so heavy that it took two burly men to get it through the door and over to the wall. After they stepped away I gasped, because seeing it in person was nothing like seeing it online. Kind of like when people see me in person having only read this website, and they’re all I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING ABOUT THAT CHIN!

Nope. Not kidding. This chin can slice raw meat. That’s really disgusting now that I actually wrote it. Moving on.

So I was standing there choked up because the shelving unit it so beautiful, and I know, SO WHAT. It’s just a shelving unit, for crying out loud. People have real problems, HEATHER, and here you are going on and on about a shelving unit? Could you possibly be more out of touch?

And then you call me douche. End scene.

It just so happens that this is the shelving unit I’m going to use to file away all the paperwork concerning the charities I work with. HA! SEE? That’s called a NEENER.

Marlo was toddling about the living room as we signed some paperwork, and when she stopped and beheld the glory that is this shelving unit, she put her hands on her hips and yelled, “SHUT. UP.”


And then she did it again. “SHUUUUT. UUUUP.”

One of the delivery guys did a double take and said, “Well, THAT was rude.”

Marlo’s response?


I stepped in front of her and explained that I often express my astonishment and wonder by shouting that phrase. You know, like, NO WAY! SHUT UP. It’s means “how incredibly awesome!” So Marlo was just saying that this shelving unit is the total shit. She wasn’t trying to insult you. In fact, you’re lucky she didn’t tell you to suck it.

He turned to walk out the door and mumbled, “Well, if that is okay in your house.”

Judgy judgles! Whoa there. He just told me I was doing it wrong. IN MY LIVING ROOM. Oh my god, you guys. You know what this means? Those comments on YouTube videos?


  • angelbee

    2011/06/14 at 2:35 pm

    Hilarious. Must see video of this event!

  • jan001

    2011/06/14 at 2:37 pm

    LMAO!!! “SHUT. UP.” I’m gone again – ahahahhahahahaha!!!

    I have to tell a particular BFF about this. Her daughter is my god-daughter and that god-daughter now has a 2.5 year old, and this sounds exactly like something she would do.

    I don’t know how you kept from cracking up right in the Mr. Burly’s face.

  • Daddy Scratches

    2011/06/14 at 2:38 pm

    Nothing better than the hired help spouting off unsolicited insults about your parenting skills IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. What a douchesicle.

  • Mindy Lee

    2011/06/14 at 2:48 pm

    My family is a little, um, addicted to The Simpson’s. We’ve all watched The Simpson’s Movie – well – let’s just say a few times. We’ve even developed the game “would Bart do it?” and if the answer is yes, you better not.

    As such, we all sing the Spider Pig song quite often.

    And we find that pretty much every question in our house can be answered with “No you can’t, you’re a pig.”

    What? Try it.

    So, I’m at tennis practice with my 13 year old. He had a smoothie, and I wanted a sip, and so I said “dude, can I have a sip of your smoothie?” and he responded, in song, with “no you can’t! You’re a pig!”

    I took a big old sip and he smiled at me. And the woman next to me said “I would NEVER tolerate that kind of behavior from my son!”

    I started to explain, but the fact is, she just won’t get it.

  • Mindy Lee

    2011/06/14 at 2:58 pm

    Double Post. And I didn’t even click anything.

  • Heathers Garden

    2011/06/14 at 3:04 pm

    Must have a photo so we can behold the glory that is this shelving unit.

  • themomdane

    2011/06/14 at 3:27 pm

    Dude. Is judging people right to their faces in order to ensure you do not get a tip the way you do things in YOUR house? Shut. Up!

    (Also: must see the shelves o’ charity.)

  • tallnoe

    2011/06/14 at 3:31 pm


    And um, judging is not cool. Especially when you’re a visitor.

    Shut. Up.

  • SwoozyQ

    2011/06/14 at 3:32 pm

    Hahhaha… yes, those people on youtube ARE real and they will judge the shit out of anyone… even a two year old. Personally, I think I would have cracked up to see a kid reacting like that to a piece of furniture… “shut up!!” I am still laughing. Kids are awesome.

  • apostate

    2011/06/14 at 2:57 pm

    I want a chin implant and lipo for my neck. My chin kind of merges onto my collar bone like a freeway on ramp.
    And every bit of extra weight I gain goes to my neck. Every photo taken of me makes me look 100lbs heavier than I actually am. Now I’m no waif, but I’m not morbidly obese either. I want neck lipo and chin injections but first I need $3000. My husband disagrees that this is important.
    Your chin makes me break the 10th commandment which prohibits covetousness. I want a chin that could slice meat.

  • spedrson

    2011/06/14 at 3:40 pm

    You killed me with your last line! I wonder if You Tube etc… is making people more rude?!

  • Jeca51601

    2011/06/14 at 3:45 pm

    Ah, well…It’s cute when it comes from the mouth of the 2 year old…

    My older daughter Ana, who’s 9, is a fervent follower of all things “Top Gear”. And her favourite if Jeremy Clarkson, so you can imagine what’s coming…

    Couple of weeks ago, she had a playdate with a girl she met at skating lessons. When we took her friend back to her home, Ana came out of the car to say goodbye and I started talking with the girl’s parents. All of the sudden, Ana goes:”Excuse me, do you know what “cara” and “peach” means in foreign language? It means ‘gentlemen’s sausage and “lady’s bush”!”

    (It’s the “Albanian special” from the latest season of “Top Gear”, the episode we watched only couple of days before…)

    To say I went purple and started sputtering explanations is not necessary is it…?

    They were very polite, but did say their goodbyes much faster than planned.
    Also, I think very soon I’ll have to explain to Ana why she’s not playing with her friend anymore…

  • writtendad

    2011/06/14 at 4:38 pm

    Two things: First, people like that should SHUT UP. Second, if Marlo had told him to “suck it” she would have automatically won every contest ever and, in my opinion, earned you a free bookcase.

  • kah825

    2011/06/14 at 4:43 pm

    @Daddy Scratches…

    I think you should post a picture of this glorious shelving unit…i’m intrigued. Burly Bookshelf Boy sounds like a total tool.

  • ClaireinAustin

    2011/06/14 at 5:57 pm

    love Marlo.
    the furniture guy worries too much.
    pics of shelving unit, please?

  • Terroni

    2011/06/14 at 6:30 pm

    When I read this, I totally pictured her saying it while doing the Elaine Benes “GET OUT!” shove.

  • makfan

    2011/06/14 at 7:28 pm

    I would be all, “delivery dude, ever heard of slang? No, then shut. up!”

    The fact that anyone can read the above and laugh is one of the craziest, most delicious things about language.

  • Cecily

    2011/06/14 at 8:25 pm

    That is a terrifying thought.

  • momof8

    2011/06/14 at 10:02 pm

    I wish you had a video of her reaction to the shelf–I think it is the cutest thing ever! A child who appreciates awesome shelving! Way cool. The delivery dude? He is a mormon who was raised to believe the “s” word is shut up and the “d” word is dumb. 🙂

  • pixiegolightly

    2011/06/15 at 1:13 am

    I love your kid. That’s all.

  • bschaefermann

    2011/06/15 at 2:18 am

    made me laugh this morn – thanks! 🙂

  • WorkingDiva

    2011/06/15 at 6:55 am

    Too funny! When I taught high school, one of my band students was named a National Merit Semi-Finalist. When called to the principal’s office to be told the good news, she replied “SHUT-UP!” The principal, a Catholic Marianist Brother, was so stunned at her response, he just said “Excuse me?” The student regained her composure, apologized and thanked him for the news. He shared the story with a group of teachers later and we were nearly on the floor we were laughing so hard. Fortunately, he had a great sense of humor about the whole thing.

  • Alevai

    2011/06/15 at 6:59 am

    That’s hilarious! It reminds me of the time I was about 4 years old and told my babysitter that I didn’t see “no damn god bus” coming as we were waiting at the stop. Apparently the bus stop was next to an old folks home and I seriously scandalized the elderly people waiting with us.

    Anyway, great post!

  • LillyO

    2011/06/15 at 7:35 am

    Shut up! I swear I can hear you saying it all the time (even when you don’t) in your posts. It’s no wonder Marlo uses it as an adjective…and the fooken world needs MORE of that shit, not less! ;o)

    I do wonder how involved in the day-to-day child-rearing “the critical moving man” is…I always wonder that about people who spout “rules and regulations” first. Do they see their kids as humans? Or things to be RULED?

    Now…off to a meeting. I plan to make Marlo proud by putting her tactics to good use:

    “We need to shift our paradigm and create some synergy in our next phase of development. You know, create some REAL buzz.”

    “SHUT UP!!!!!!” ROTFLMAO!!!!

  • Judyinky

    2011/06/15 at 8:42 am

    He must be a Republican

  • Anxious Annie

    2011/06/15 at 8:46 am

    From the “monkey” reference in the title I thought you were going to say Marlo began climbing the new shelving unit. OH. That will be NEXT! Is that humongous thing bolted to the wall? (seriously)

  • JWysok

    2011/06/15 at 9:06 am

    @Anxious Annie, I thought the same thing (and had the same concern).

    But those must be some amazing shelves!

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    2011/06/15 at 9:19 am

    i haven’t read this entry yet. just want to say, as i wear flannel pajama bottoms and a life-is-good tee shirt, that i love the camilla series and have checked out her blog. i’m SO not into fashion as i barely have time for a shower, let alone shopping and hey! those jeans from high school mid-80s fit fine (levi’s — still in style, thank you). i love how she puts it together in (imo) bizarre ways and it looks sleek.

    carry on …………

  • ChickWhitt

    2011/06/15 at 9:24 am

    as someone who just a few hours ago told her dad to suck it, I completely understand.

  • Diary of Secrets

    2011/06/15 at 9:47 am

    LOL!!!! My kid says SHIT! I’m a terrible mother by those standards.

    Oh and picture of the awesomeness please : )

  • rivervision

    2011/06/15 at 10:11 am

    That mover man is obviously not from the south, at least the south east. If he were, or had spent any time there, he would have instantly recognized Marlo’s comment as the compliment that it was.

    Brooke, formerly of Blacksburg, Va (for the first 18 years of my life) and now up here in Logan.

  • Suburban Snapshots

    2011/06/15 at 2:10 pm

    You can’t hear my sigh of relief, but it’s there, and it’s audible. I JUST posted an entry about my three-year-old’s affinity for profanity. She curses in context, which is nice.

    Also, douchesicle sounds kind of, I dunno, refreshing.

  • vietadword

    2011/06/16 at 1:57 am

    thiết kế nội thất : monkey like kid :p

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    2011/06/16 at 11:53 am

    The RC W’s delivery guys drove 120 miles to my house in Bendover only to find me answering the door very wet in my bathrobe. I knew, KNEW, they’d show up during my shower. It was a profound moment for everyone involved.

  • CalissaLeigh

    2011/06/21 at 11:24 am

    I did that to a set of friends once. Some girl said a joke and I was all “Shut Up!”. As in, that’s so funny!

    It was the 90’s after all.

    The next day, they all approached me and said I couldn’t talk to them any more or hang out because I told someone to shut up. I didn’t even remember what they were talking about at first.

    When I realized what they were talking about, I tried to explain, but it’s like explaining a joke two days after you’ve already ticked off the blond you insulted in your joke. Yeah.

    They were totally not hip on lingo.

    That guy needs to get into the groove.

  • bella-not the one from Twilight

    2011/06/22 at 6:24 pm

    On a lovely date with my boyfriend walking through a garden. Turned around and saw him down on one knee holding up a ring, “SHUT UP!”

    Stay classy, self.

  • Not Marlo

    2011/06/29 at 7:06 pm

    Pictures please!!!

    I am shopping for some myself and wish to behold the splendor. 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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