Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Fun for the whole family!

Sunday morning after a late breakfast Jon was about to head up to the office to complete the edits on the video about working from home when he said, “You just WAIT. I am going to DAZZLE you with my edits. No, I’m going to BEDAZZLE you. NO! I am going to VAJAZZLE you.”

No, no, no. No you won’t.

There will be no azzling anywhere near my vagina. Is that a thing? Cami had stayed the night with us, and through a fit of laughter assured me that, yes, indeed, there is such a thing as vajazzling. I did not want to know how she knew this information so I just trusted her and then made a firm decision that I would not google this phenomenon. STOP. What are you doing? Slap your hands away from that keyboard! You cannot un-see a vajazzle!

Without doing any research we all three conducted an assessment of this activity. Like, glitter? Sequins? Confetti? Do you stand over a mirror and glue each individual piece? In the pattern of a star? A smiley face? The profile of your beloved pet?

How on earth could this be comfortable? You can’t walk around with glitter in your vagina, don’t even try to convince me otherwise. Is the glue urine-resistant? It had better be or you’re going to spend the better part of your day reapplying sequins to your butt.

And then there’s the dilemma of, well, certain activities that take place when adults have special feelings for each other. You can imagine that it might take away from the romance of the moment if someone has to stop every couple of seconds to remove a sequin from their mouth. And HELLO. Choking hazard.

But then I was like, what if you were kind of broke and really needed that supply of sequins? You’d have to stop that person from just spitting the sequin on the floor and then collect them in a pile so that you could do that craft project later.

You know, the one your child was assigned for homework.

But then why stop at glitter and sequins? If you’re a professional vajazzler I bet you could jazzle the shit out of a set of googly eyes and pipe cleaners.

Is all I’m saying.

And, yes. Cami is our hipster sister wife. Of course she spends the night.

  • playrawkstar

    that just sent me down a NSF rabbit hole of absurdity. how exactly did jon know about vajazzling again? 😉

  • CherryBop

    I want a hipster sister wife! I’ve been working on it, and I’m surprised we haven’t had any takers. I thought hipsters would be SO into that.

  • waitimaprincess

    Recycled vajazzled sequins. Mom, is this glue already on it…no, baby, wait…

    And ew (playrawkstar, I slapped my hands from Goggling at work, I did!).

  • slappyintheface

    What about those little pom-poms? OMG – you could make it into a cheerleader !!

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    Um…do not make any assumptions about my personal life and my ‘area’ after looking in my sewing stash, mmkay? Especially after seeing the bra I made that resembles a pair of cow udders on my dressmaker’s dummy.

    My husband likes his milk pasteurized.

    (Uh, don’t use latex adhesive on your lady bits or when you dazzle the male bits or any bits. Keep stinky glues away from your bits.)

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    Pack of sequins is a buck. Posting your efforts on Facebook, priceless?

  • OldMuthaHen

    Holy shit…funniest post EVER.

  • lilybillz

    oh dear, googled it… there is an official site with a FAQ page, including questions such as Can I vajazzle over my tattoos? WTF

  • Janice

    Now apologize to your Dad for not telling him to stop reading

  • CalissaLeigh

    Now to figure out an excuse to why I’m sitting here looking at photo examples of this on Google to my otherwise bewildered boyfriend. “Heather Armstrong told me not to, but I did it anyway. And now I’m forever scarred.”

  • hopevalerie

    You think that’s bad? Pejazzle. Enough said.

  • tracy

    oh man, as a crafter with a room full of glitter & random bits that could be used to fancy-up my lady-parts…..the possibilities are both endless, and extremely frightening. Lest you think I’m REMOTELY serious, it would take a very, VERY large sum of money to get me to adhere anything to my nether-regions.

    Just…. so very wrong.

    And while I seriously doubt I qualify as a hipster, I would very much like to apply for the position of sister wife. I’m a obsessive compulsive clean freak, and I kinda like order & control. I love dance parties in the kitchen, can keep all of your gorgeous new flowers in bloom, and my 3 year old is a funny as she is brilliant.

  • subjectivitis

    lol @Janice.

    The post was funny, vajazzling is ridiculous. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt started it.

  • QueenOfGreen

    Reminds me of a “most embarrassing moment” confession I read in a magazine. Wish I could remember which and cite the source so you’d know I’m not making this up, but alas, you’ll have to believe me.
    Story goes: Mother of a young daughter has a busy day ahead of her: takes the kid to school, does the grocery shopping, comes home, puts stuff away, etc, etc. Then off to the gynecologist, but a quick swipe of the nether region with the washcloth sitting by the sink before dropping it in the hamper and bolting out the door. Doesn’t pay much attention when the doctor (male) makes some comment about “taking some extra time down there this morning” or some such thing, because really? No idea what he’s talking about and do you really want to have a conversation when you’re legs are in the air? Doesn’t hit her until later that night daughter asks “Mommy, where are my sparkles? I left them in the thing in the bathroom!” Sparkles? Thing? Oh no. She makes a dash for the laundry hamper and yup – glitter all over the washcloth. And OH.SWEET.BABY.JESUS glitter all Down Under.
    Beware the unintentional vajazzling.

  • amyd

    WHY oh WHY did I not listen.

    I googled. I saw. Teach me how to unSEE.


  • Lovebuzz38

    A few months ago I had to create a retail ad for vajazzling. I had no clue what it was! Needless to say, a little internet research goes a very looooooooooooooong way. And so does vajazzling, aparently.

  • tdotjen

    I think I learned the word vajazzle when most other people learned it: after that JLoHew interview. However, only now that you’ve admonished me not to google, have I finally gotten an accurate picture of what it is, and it’s slightly (only slightly) less crazy. No actual vaginas are bejewelled. It would appear most often that vajazzling is applied just above the pubic hairline, which I’d call lower abdomen.

    Figures, since nobody seems to use the word vagina to mean what it actually means. The vagina is a completely internal body part, but most people apply it to the entire female crotch area, though I’d say it’s a stretch to include even the area vajazzled in the term crotch.

  • missusclark

    Naturally, I googled it. And, really? There are website devoted to decorating one’s girl parts with crystals and sequins!? Dear god….

    Alright, it’s official. Our culture is completely bankrupt.

  • barbara

    This post, along with the comments, had me cracking up! I heard about this trend awhile ago after seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt talking about it on TV. I’d like to meet a woman that’s actually done this! Probably only strippers…

  • HungryGrad

    So, if one can vajazzle, can one pejazzle or tejazzle?

    Tejazzling might be better due to minimal changes in size. Heh heh, gives new meaning to “the family jewels,” eh? [cue dirty old man laugh here]

  • slappyintheface

    @TheQueenofGreen I read that story too! … and it’s the first thing I think of when people talk about this kind of stuff.

  • sheena scott

    This will tell you everything you ever wanted/needed/wanted to know but were too afraid to Google it, about Vajazzling.

  • Juliejules

    I’m too lazy to keep a landing strip tidy.

    And pejazzling? I admire the penis’ work, but that right there is lipstick on a pig people.

  • jenwilson

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or cringe, but there is no way in hell I am googling that. I learned my lesson about not being able to un-see things and my left eye hasn’t grown back yet.

  • Not So Glamorous Housewife

    I just did my first post on nipples and I thought of you…and then I was outdone by your vajazzle post. I will never live up to your uncomfortable blogging topics. never.

  • The K Spot

    I can attest to the fact that is was actually a wonderful experience..providing, of course, that you are completely are almost completely Mr. Miagi down there. If you don’t subscribe to some level or amount of waxing or electrolosis or laser removal for the vajayjay then it’s not even an option. Takes seconds for the tech to slap the design on. You may think you would never like it or that it would be a horrible experience to deal with the after math of a normal “interlude” with your partner…but the reality is it’s hot and sessy and it stayed on for at least a week and a half. I loved it and so did my partner. Totally recommend it.

  • Satyr

    This blogpost made me snort and spray my tea over the keyboard. And it takes a lot……..

  • LaLaBoo

    I have seen this bedazzling of skin-not a vajazzle, but other parts and I hate to tell you there is no glue involved-I made the mistake of asking the chick who had her shoulder & arm done how it was applied and she said… “its sorta like wall anchors” OUCH!!!!!!!!!

  • cearat

    Love it! And you know what they say about glitter… it’s the herpes of crafting. It gets everywhere and just when you think it’s all gone, you find more.

  • lcwfreeagent

    This made me laugh so hard, my coffee came out of my nose. OUCH!

  • mybottlesup

    my mom once overheard a woman checking in at the gyno’s office. this woman was in front of my mom in line, signing in, and my mom had to stand there and listen to this woman talk about exactly WHY she needed to be fit in for an appointment immediately.

    according to my mom, this woman had gotten out of the shower that morning and went to apply some “freshener” to her “area” (i don’t personally understand the deodorizing of ones vagina, but whatever). she was in a rush to get out the door with her kids, and grabbed the can of spray from under her sink and applied. then she got dressed, headed out the door, and it wasn’t until she was halfway through the grocery store that she realized her vagina was on fire. she went to the bathroom in the grocery story (GROSS) and scoped out her situation. apparently this woman’s kids had replaced her feminine deodorant spray with glitter-in-a-can.

    not quite vajazzling… but pretty damn close. also, a fire hazard.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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