the smell of my desperation has become a stench

More about this fad diet humans ate for millions of years

A couple of weeks ago when I wrote about changing my diet, only a few of you griped! What is up with that? Only one of you accused me of bragging, and then only one other told me I was susceptible to fads! Where is all the spit and vinegar? YOU GUYS. I AM BULLYING YOU WITH MY DIET.

A lot of you had some questions for me, so I thought I’d actually collect them all and answer them here, for those interested. For those who just can’t be bothered, well then, SCADOODLE. Go attend to your more pressing matters. Like that poo you need to take.

Do you just eat pasture-raised beef?

I wish I could say that I only eat the meat of the cow I’ve raised in my own backyard. Billie Jo, that’d be her name. And she would taste lovely. We’d give her a proper goodbye complete with a slideshow of her life, and then as we grilled her flanks we’d reminisce about how she used to stand there, eat grass, and poop.

I try to eat only pasture-raised beef. Yes, it is more expensive and not always easy to find. And then when I do find it I inspect the label and see that it has been shipped from Uruguay. Which means that the fuel used to ship it here sort of defeats the purpose of trying to save the world.

I guess you could say that I do the best I can with what I’ve got. I recommend watching Food Inc. to understand that enormous change needs to happen in this country when it comes to our food supply. Since I can afford to buy meat that has been raised humanely and without hormones or antibiotics, I do. I think I have a responsibility to do so.

How did you feel after that tostada?

While I was shoving that tostada in my mouth it tasted better than anything I have ever eaten. Twenty minutes later I felt like I might die. In fact, death sounded like fun.

What do you eat before working out?

Since I always work out in the morning, my fuel is breakfast. I’ll be totally honest here and tell you that I don’t know if I could continue to eat this way if it weren’t for Larabars, and no, they did not pay me to say that. In fact, after I wrote about going Paleo they actually contacted me and said, hey, do you know about our bars? And I was like, um… I have sex with your bars every morning.

The bars are gluten-free and contain no GMOs. I buy them in bulk at Costco. Some mornings I’ll have the apple pie bar (raisins, walnuts, almonds, apples, dates, and cinnamon) plus a fruit shake made with bananas, strawberries, and a little bit of orange juice.

And then! Sometimes I will go all out and do something like this:

You go right ahead and get your mind out of the gutter!

Rico’s is a local company, and they make the best guacamole and salsa that I can find in town.

We use these eggs because the chickens are cage free, but I’m hoping that once Kate’s chickens start laying their own eggs that she will let me shop at her house.

And these are the best sausages in terms of ingredients we can find. YES. SAUSAGE. SAUSAGESOME.

Where can I find good information on it?

Here are some of the resources I used:

Paleo Plan
Paleo Diet Lifestyle
Robb Wolf
Latest in Paleo
Mark’s Daily Apple
Living Paleo
Everyday Paleo

Is there a limitation on the amount of food that you can eat?

Nope. Not at all. It works because the foods I’m eating are totally satiating, and I notice that where before I would want a second serving, I’m now full before I finish a meal. This, for me, is the best part of living this way because I’m no longer walking around all day looking at the sofa or the coffee table and thinking they might taste good with a whole bunch of salt.

How did you manage this in Bangladesh?

Cooked meat. Plus I smuggled an entire box of Larabars in a plastic bag duct-taped to my torso.

How is this affecting your poop or lack thereof?

People, I have never been more regular. Some of you used to tell me that you would go poop at least three times a day, and I was all, SHUT UP YOU POOP BRAGGER. Not possible. You’re stealing someone else’s poop and claiming it as your own.

Since this website is loaded with information you did not need to know, I’ll just go ahead and tell you that I poop at least three times a day. My poop is totally better than your poop.

How did you make the leap? Was it a gradual change? If so, what did you start cutting out first?

The first thing I cut out was processed food. No more “bagged” food like chips. Then I cut out white bread and switched to whole grain pasta. Then I cut those out of about 80% of my meals. Then I discovered Paleo and cut them out entirely. I wasn’t eating that much sugar to begin with (I prefer salty things like French fries and George Clooney’s hair), so I dropped sugar, dairy, and legumes cold turkey AND NOW I’M JUST BRAGGING.

What were some of the difficulties?

Don’t hate me for saying this, but there haven’t been any. This has been the easiest change I’ve ever made in terms of what I eat. I love eating this way. Wait, there has been one difficulty: Tyrant’s incessant mocking. I fully expect to walk up to the office one day only to find a dead cow lying across my desk.

Has this lifestyle change affected your psych meds?

No. I am not willing to risk going off any of my medication. Period.

Is Jon participating?

No. He’s still recovering from gallbladder surgery and the tiniest thing can make him feel sick. One day a salad put him in bed for the day. But he’s been really nice about it and isn’t standing over me crumbling gourmet cheese onto my forehead.

And there you go! My diet and poop are better than yours!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave