An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A peek inside our day, the fifth hour

(The first fifteen minutes can be seen here. The first hour is here, the second hour is here, the third hour is here, the fourth hour is here.)

When we last left off with this series I had just summed up what thousands of dollars in therapy can do for you, at least, if you’re willing to do the work. Yes, that’s right. Therapy isn’t just the act of paying someone to listen to your drivel. You’re actually paying to work on the weaker parts of your personality. But don’t worry. Someone will probably invent a gastric bypass for the brain to take care of this.

One quick operation and no more insecurities triggered by senior prom!

The fifth hour of our day is lunch time. All of us take this lunch together because it really does make up for the socialization we’d get in a normal office. My cousin McKenzie is a practicing Mormon, but her ears are a little more forgiving than those of my niece who does not believe in evolution or global warming. Meaning now that my niece no longer works for us, Tyrant gets to talk about what it’s like for a gay man to date in Utah ALL HE WANTS.

And he is never at a loss for words, stories, or stealthily taken photos of the guys who take their shirts off to mow our lawn on Fridays.

Sometimes the shirtless guys don’t come until Saturday when Tyrant is off. So I’ll snap a photo myself, send it to him on the phone and text, “I changed their day on purpose.”


Jon says that one of us is eventually going to die if we keep trying to one up each other like this. I’m fine with dying as long as I’m winning while doing so.

Since having his gall bladder removed, Jon has had trouble eating like a normal human being. Add that to my Paleo diet and lunch can range anywhere from my (grass-fed, free-range) grilled steak to Jon’s (grass-fed, free-range) peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, and Tyrant is a vegetarian. McKenzie doesn’t have any dietary restrictions that we know of, only what is prohibited by the Mormon Word of Wisdom: tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco. Which is a bummer because we could save a ton on pepper if we could just grind up our cigarette butts.

Marlo? What about Marlo? She doesn’t deserve lunch.

Marlo is usually taking her nap during this hour, or at least slowly winding down into her nap, depending on whether or not there are any milestones approaching. Milestones are great in the sense of, YAY! Our baby is growing! And yet, AWFUL, because they carry guns and their number one target is her sleep schedule.

Teething? No sleeping. Learning to walk? No Sleeping. Made mama a hot dog? She’s up all night watching “Benny Hill” reruns.

And yet, I won’t complain too much because she’s so used to that crib and lying there in the dark that if we let her she will talk to herself for two hours. Wait, did I just tell the Internet that I let my baby girl lie by herself in the dark for two hours? AWAKE? Psst! Heather! You probably shouldn’t mention the “Benny Hill” reruns.

  • spedrson

    Glad I’m not the only one that leaves her daughter in her room for “hours” while she talks to herself!

  • mommica

    Well, as long as she’s not drinking. Because you know, drinking alone is a bad sign.

  • kristanhoffman

    LOL @ mommica’s comment.

    Adorable September header!

  • lbnassar

    I took a clue from our pre-school and called it “quiet time” – not nap time. I didn’t care if they played in their bed/room/toy box, as long as they were in their room and the activity was their choice. If they were tired, they took a nap. But at least they were calm, learned to entertain themselves, and I got a break!

  • ali in indy

    I agree – quiet time! My son will be 3 next month, and even when he’s done with sleeping during nap time, he will still have quiet time in his room. alone. because Mama needs her sanity.

  • WiseMona

    Mine are a little older so there are no more nap times, but we live out in the country and I keep them outdoors A LOT. WE have a rule: Unless there is blood they cannot come back inside.
    I think better when its quiet.

  • BellyGirl

    Just curious who does all the grass-fed, free-range cooking?

    Also, if Mormons can’t drink coffee, why are heavily caffeinated sodas permissible?

    Look at me, all loaded with questions today.

  • prestonk9

    omg Benny Hill. That show used to make me feel all weird and tingly.

  • mom2twins

    You joke about Benny Hill, but my mom was mortified when I told my Kindergarten teacher Benny Hill was my favorite show. Apparently my great grandmother was letting me watch it.

  • slappyintheface

    My lunch is going to be a Lean Cuisine meal eaten at my desk …. ah the good life. 🙂 I know … I know … there are starving nuns in Tanzania who would cut off their own arm for a Lean Cuisine meal … blah blah blah.

  • jenwilson

    Your talk of Jon’s gallbladder stuff is making me so nervous – having this soon. ACK!

    When my daughter out-grew her afternoon nap, we transitioned her to Quiet Time, where she stays in her room for two hours. By herself. Awake. I even make my 10-year-old do it on weekends sometimes. Mother of the year, RIGHT HERE.

  • apostate

    Loopholes, Belly Girl. Life is all about loopholes.
    Open up your D&C 89.
    Do you see anything there pertaining to Diet Coke? Nope? Didn’t think so.

  • apostate

    Incidentally, I’d talk about whatever during lunch with my fabulous gay friend and I’d call it a first step in “dealing with it”. Given what went into Prop 8, I think some Mormon “deal with it” therapy might be needed all around.
    Just my opinion.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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