An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


Last Thursday Jon and I headed to Palm Springs to attend Camp Mighty, but not before I noticed that Coco was not acting loco. In fact, she was calmer, more still and morose than Chuck, and when she refused to eat breakfast I knew something was wrong. Coco would eat a tire if it was not attached to a car. Preferably a tire covered in her own feces.

My mother was going to watch the kids, and we were supposed to board the dogs for the weekend. But my instinct told me that Coco needed to see a vet. The rest of this post could just be a neverending string of one THANK YOU after another to Tyrant for what he did for us and that dog. Because if we had dropped her off at the kennel she’d be dead.

The vet had not seen dehydration like that in a dog in years. Two X-rays and a lab inspection of her stool sample showed that she was, well, very very sick. So sick that she’d need to eat and be let outside every three hours. Tyrant texted all of that and a picture of a slightly more perky Coco Thursday evening after we landed in Palm Springs. Not to worry, he said. He’d take care of both dogs. We should relax and have fun with friends.

In the meantime I was navigating the security line at the airport with my space boot. I’ll admit that the boot was a hell of a lot easier to maneuver than crutches, but that moving walkway between terminals? I had to stand to the side because walking was too painful. You guys. The daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader does not stand on a moving walkway. The daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader RACES down a moving walkway to show you that you will never navigate a terminal with that kind of dexterity JUST STOP TRYING.

So I picked up my foot in the boot and set it atop the hand rail so that when anyone looked at me and wondered, “Why is that idiot just standing there?” I could point to the boot and say, “I just got back from the moon. I’m tired. SUE ME.”

Have you guys ever been to the Palm Springs Airport? Because it epitomizes every reason I love Southern California: you have to walk outside to get from your gate to baggage claim. That’s how confident they are in the weather, that it’s going to be so fucking spectacular you will totally forget you’re in an airport and instead are strolling through a palm tree-lined path to redemption.

If it’s raining? Complimentary umbrellas.

Sorry, Leta. Next year we’re not going to Disneyland in the fall. We’re going to the Palm Springs Airport.

We rented a convertible Mustang and spent a few hours touring the midcentury architecture and marveling at the field of windmills just outside town.

While reconnecting with old friends and meeting online friends in the flesh for the first time, my mother was battling a sinus infection and spreading it to Leta back in Salt Lake. My mother could barely form words to describe how horrible she felt, and that’s not the first time I was reminded how lucky we are to have the help that we do. We have the most amazing, generous people in our lives.

So generous, in fact, that they are willing to pull up to passenger pick-up at the airport in this:

Remember this?

Tyrant jumped out and shouted so that the surrounding crowd of people could hear, “Hey, Heather! Hey, Jon! I LOVE YOUR CAR! It drives like butter!”

  • lisdom

    I just love Tyrant.

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    ohmyfuckinghell hilarious. i too <3 tyrant. great picture.

    >>Sorry, Leta. Next year we’re not going to Disneyland in the fall. We’re going to the Palm Springs Airport.<< and we might even take you! do you travel with the kids much?

  • kmpinkel

    Oh My God! He feels very secure in his position. Either that or its pay backs from dealing with CoCo! Ha!

  • awholelotofnothing

    I had a boot for 6 weeks with a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old. It gave every excuse in the world to not have to run after them, except it wore out my back while walking with a limp.

  • suebob

    Those windmills freak me out. They make my head all spinny!

    Glad to hear Coco is better.

  • Becky Cochrane

    And JUST LIKE THAT, Tyrant became the Valedictorian of Vengeance.

    (Hope everyone’s feeling better now.)

  • slappyintheface

    How did he get that car? …. while taking care of a sick dog? Master multitasker that fella is.

  • mybottlesup

    i love tyrant. can you clone him?

  • jan001

    One of my cats developed what I, reading between the lines, believe to be the same problem Coco had. No idea how it happened but she was a sick kitty by the time she SHOWED me she was.

    Coco all better and back to her loco self, I take it?

    (Welcome home!)

  • knolting

    Thank the tiny baby jesus for Tyrant! I’m glad to hear Coco is doing ok 🙂

  • megrit411

    Awesome. Sauce.

    Glad Coco is doing better. Here’s hoping she’s back to her crazy antics ASAP!

  • dragonfish

    can i please, please, PLEASE be tyrant’s fruit fly? fag hag? pen pal? DOG DAMN he is friggin awesome.
    jami <3 tyrant forever.

    hope leta coco and your foot are on the mend. i will say that cast looks like it could use some bedazzlin - when i had mine for EIGHT WEEKS this spring i just busted out the glue gun and sparkles. if people are going to stare, it might as well be at the silver KISS logo in rhinestones, am i right???

    happy mending.
    p.s. tyrant - call me!

  • Monkey

    Aww, poor Coco..Any idea what caused her to get that sick?

  • kristanhoffman

    Love the windmill pics!

    Also was wondering the same thing as Monkey: what was wrong with Coco?

  • lauriek

    Good intuition and lucky for Coco! I have beagles and if one of them skips even a single meal, it’s off to the vet. These dogs may not be able to speak but they can certainly communicate.

  • annecat

    The Maui airport is kind of like that. As if anyone needs more reasons to go there!

  • ChrisB

    Hey! That place you are describing and photographing above? That is my neighborhood!
    And yes, we do consider ourselves lucky that we get to live in a place where the airport has an open air architecture, because, well, ceilings are not needed.
    I am glad you had fun and that Coco was well taken care off by Super Tyrant!

  • jenwilson

    Oh, that last line made me laugh. Out loud. Which really hurt my goodbye-gallbladder incisions.

    I’m glad that you and Jon could get away together for a couple days. You needed it! 🙂

  • kellyjoco

    Fernando’s ride !

  • jesterqueen

    Is Coco going to be OK? Because right now, in my mind, she’s left hanging dehydrated at the vet’s office or possibly in Tyrant’s friend’s maroon lighnting-bolt-striped-butter-driving PT Cruiser. What was the cause of the dehydration?

  • Janice

    Happy for you that you had an opportunity to get away, to enjoy, to have an awesome support system that includes an assistant (albeit a whistler) that will take care of sick dogs, but…

    like so many, what about Coco?

  • ambermentz

    Tyrant’s adorable. The end.

  • Anu

    Holy cow!! Tyrant sure knows how to get back at you. Can I borrow him for few weeks 🙂

  • katamigan

    Love the car!

    Watch your back while wearing that aircast. My boyfriend just got over a pulled muscle in his back that resulted from the aircast/limp he had.

  • ladygray

    BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA! oh shit. that’s amazing.

    i’m so glad Coco is better. I hope your mom, Leta and your foot follow suit.

  • tallnoe

    Traveling with a boot is always fun… Well, maybe not. But keep the booth – sometimes it can come in handy. I used it to get on my planes to Ecuador first when I went there… It worked… didn’t even need it!

    Glad Coco is better.

    Also, I concur with Katamigan… it hurts your leg – the other one. I was all kinds of messed up.

  • momof8

    So when are you guys gonna marry Tyrant? He’s awesome!

  • sybann

    Whatever you pay him, it’s not enough. 🙂

  • Ralemap

    Add me to the “I heart Tyrant” club. That’s just magnificient!

  • Palola

    I can’t emphasize enough how much I love Tyrant. He’s exactly my kind of people!

  • rebeccacdm

    Ah, thank you, Miss Heather and (actually more so) Tyrant.

    I was all sad in my business-travel-hotel-room in Denver, whilst getting nostalgic about the windmills in Palm Springs (adding to the sad) and then BOOM! Tyrant in THE PT Cruiser. I just laughed until I cried. Thank you all!!!

  • Christal

    My boxer pup was down for the count yesterday also. But they said intestinal infection… he got so weak, he couldn’t even stand up. Hubby hit the vet asap. Just water & meds yesterday, then chicken broth & water today. Adding chicken tomorrow. And of course he’s our chow hound. He spent my dinner time drooling at me. But he’s up and about and even ran some when I got home. At least he didn’t barf… but it’s pretty worrisome when they don’t move…

    I’m headed to a boot on Friday… Bad time for ice and snow! Yuck. Last time was in July… much better planning.

  • apostate

    OMG! Fernando’s car! It’s Fernando’s car! btw I totally knew before clicking on your link. I’m that good.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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