A shared paradigm

My psychiatrist after saying something raunchy: “If anyone ever tells you that you take it too far you can tell them that it’s nothing compared to your conversations with me.”

Me: “And then I’ll list the number of diplomas on your wall.”

Him: “I should have one up there from the time I served in the military because that’s where I learned how to curse. I was such a benevolent Mormon that up until that point I hadn’t even called a lazy person a ‘bum’ because someone might have thought I was referencing someone’s ass.”

Me: “From the tone of our previous conversations this is blowing my mind.”

Him: “Oh yeah. I was such a perfect kid, I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, except for that whole masturbation thing.”

Me: “Does any Mormon boy escape adolescence without masturbating?”

Him: “I’ll tell you this… when I was twelve and had to meet with my bishop to get a temple recommend to perform baptisms for the dead, he brought up the question of masturbation. Had I ever done it? I asked him why he had to go there, and his answer was that it was a standard question in terms of qualifying to go through the temple.

So I told him, you know, every boy that has sat in front of you has masturbated, and the only ones you’re going to let go through the temple are the ones who lie. So what you’re telling me is that the Mormon Church prefers lying masturbators to common masturbators.”

Me: “I take it you didn’t get your recommend.”

Him: (shakes head)

Me: “You know you have to let me share the term ‘common masturbator’ with my readers.”

Him: “Give me credit.”