An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Here’s a resolution

I am just about to complete my first game of Words With Friends. Stop. Don’t say it because I already know it. WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN. Get your hands off of your hips. Stop shaking your head. I’m hopeless and, frankly, a total disappointment. I already know this because my seven-year-old told me so this morning.

I could tell you that I rarely have time for games, but then the hairs would stand up on the back of your neck and next thing you know you’re shouting at me about what a bullshit career mommyblogging is. And you’re right. Those people need to go get a real job.

But I just wasn’t paying enough attention to know that Words With Friends isn’t something you have to sit down and devote an hour to, unless of course you want to, and if you have that kind of time I wish you’d come over to my house and write about my kids for me.

So, yeah. First game. Right now there are zero letters remaining and my opponent is beating me by … wait for it … wait … you ready? TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE POINTS. For all you lazy mommybloggers out there, that’s 205. A couple hundred points more than where dignity exists.

And I was the one who played the X. I think this game defied physics.

(Opponent played amu. AMU. I’m sorry, but amu is not a word, DICTIONARY.)

And you know what? Not only am I not embarrassed to admit all this, I’ve decided that since I’m an eternal optimist I’m going to turn this into a win. I’m going to become the valedictorian of losing Words With Friends by at least 200 points.

Except then I’ll have to call it Words With Assholes and my opponents will have to call it Words With That Idiot.

  • Cellar Mouse

    I am just about to finish my very first game too. However, somehow I am winning. It is making me feel insanely guilty. Like sorry I blocked all future possibilities with a three letter word just so I could get a triple letter score. I did manage to use the Q and spelled the word qua with the q on the triple letter. There it is again… guilt.

  • Issa

    I won’t tell you that I’ve been playing for 18 months. Ahem. ;0)

    However, I will promise you that if you keep it up, you’ll get better over time. I have a knack for remembering crazy words people use on me. Words I’ve never even heard of. It’s fun.

  • WebSavyMom

    –>I love playing WWF but with people smarter than me so I have a mission to beat them, some that are about equally as smart/stupid as me and then some easy lay up opponents that I chuckle at for leaving the TW open.
    I mean really.

    My “best” game was playing ORGY, ANUS, SHITS and POO.


    (on Twitter and WWF)

  • luv and kiwi

    LOL You were beating me there for awhile!

  • ronnagail

    I just discovered Words with Friends last week. I spent the first couple of days getting my ass kicked, but the tables have turned now!

  • mama2beans

    The trick is all those double letter and triple word spots. Learn to aim for those with bigger point letters and you’re set. I once totally kicked my mom’s arse playing a word that ended up getting me 110 points all by it’s little lonesome. It was JEAN, of all things, when used in combination with a triple letter/triple word/double word letter play. It was a thing of beauty.

    username mama-beans, find me on WWF! Don’t worry, I usually get my arse kicked, you have a fighting chance of being that arse kicker.

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    There are many people who will not play Words with Friends/Scrabble/Boggle with me anymore. Hey, I give them fair warning!

    X? ax, ex, ox, xi, xu. Get that X in a nice vowel filled corner with a double or triple letter? 50 points making two letter words BOOYAH!

  • The Dalai Mama

    I have stayed away from Words with Friends. I did download the app onto my phone, but haven’t pulled the trigger to actually play yet.

    205 points uh?

    Maybe I could play one game….

  • waitimaprincess

    TOTALLY addicted over here. I mean, seriously (b/c I’m a word geek and rarely get people to play traditional board game Scrabble, UpWords (yep, still got it!), or Boggle, my life is truly complete. I bought my husband an iPhone for Christmas. He recently added WWF. I have beat him a total of six times in three days always with a margin over 200+. I remind him there is a reason he calls me Word Girl.

    Last night, I asked what he’d like for dinner.
    Him: Huh? (gazing intently at phone)
    Me: Dinner. Fish or chicken?
    Him: You are truly asking me about food when I have no fucking consonants?

    He now refers to it as Words With Enemies.

  • Rivercat0338

    Don’t need to devote an hour? Wait til everyone you’ve ever met finds out you’re playing. I have three simultaneous games going with the mom of my brother’s high school girlfriend. It’s a black hole. You’ve been warned.

  • Katintherat

    Qi, qat, xi, jo, and their plurals. These are your BFFs. Know them well!

  • anniavee

    I just discovered this game not even 48 hours ago and already, I’ve played ‘vulva’ and ‘urea’. One time, all of my tiles could be arranged into the following:

  • Helen Tarnation

    I played this for a while, but found that the people I beat then didn’t want to play anymore. I have a very short attention span, anyway, and was getting kinda bored. Then, a friend told me about Hanging with Friends…it’s a cross between Hangman and Scrabble. You send people words you make with the letters they give you, and they have to guess the word. I’m pretty much obsessed!

  • nikimathias

    Here is the solution you need:

    Happy new year!

  • FairlySilly

    My husband has the spelling skills of an illiterate illiterate and gave up playing real life scrabble with me years ago because I would always kick his arse. Fast forward to WWF and guess who kicks my arse regularly? Miserable sonofabitch cheats! He sits there and tries different combinations until it lets him have some obscure mix of letters which gives him a gazillion points at a time. Not only that, but the stupid game won’t accept REAL words from me! In the last week it has not let me have the word ‘latin'(but it would let me have ‘latina’)or the word ‘satan’. WTF?
    I call it Angry Words with Arseholes

    Unfortunately, I am adicted.

  • Jan

    Love, admire and respect you, but isn’t it your “job” to keep us up to date via posts. Na na, yeh, I know, so unfair, but isn’t it this way everywhere else?

  • Bea_OT

    I just played for the first time last week…with my sis. I finally beat her in a game! We have not played again because she will beat me and I’ll have to figure out how I can continue being the writer in the family. I never knew I was so competitive!

  • Monkey

    So what you’re saying, essentially, is that you are NOT the Valedictorian of Words with Friends?

  • wicked opinion

    This exact scenario is why I don’t play either Scrabble OR WwF with my sister M. She’s like the Notorious BIG of Scrabble. Bitch is GANGSTA. You can’t even come close so don’t even try. Playing with her makes me feel like Flowers for Algernon happened to my brain every time. It’s ridiculous. She is not exactly, um, shy about her prowess either. Sometimes I just wanna say “Can you please put your Scrabble dick back in your pants? We’ve seen it. Thanks.”

    Boo for Words with Assholes. I’m down for a game of Words with Idiots though. I can haz triple letter score with an A?

  • Midnight

    My husband and I both play WWF (I find that responding to games all at once saves it from being an eternal time suck fyi), and we’ve let our 8 year old daughter sign up (she plays against us, her grandmother, and three aunts) – it’s actually been pretty entertaining, and I guess it could be considered quasi-educational…

    Also, I think is cheating and immediately voids potential valedictorianism (is that a word?) of WWF!

  • slappyintheface

    Just don’t play with that Baldwin guy … I hear that he hates to lose.

    go ahead and download Hanging With Friends … I dare you …. muahahahahaha

    I have at least four WWF and two HWF games going at all times.

  • mommica

    I have resisted the game so far. It was easier a few weeks ago when I didn’t have an iPhone. That’s right: I JUST got my very first iPhone. I’m the valedictorian of being worse than you.

  • QueenOfGreen

    I think those people who are winning by hundreds of points are using Descrambler. (It’s an app.) At least I tell myself that when I’m down by 200 points and losing all dignity. I *was* valedictorian for heaven’s sake, how can this happen?!

  • girlfromipanema

    I discovered Words With Friends a few days ago and I found this post searching for some tips to win. As many here I got beaten a lot, but since English is not my first language I think this is ok. I like the function to shuffle the letters to get more ideas. I also use to train my “anagram building”-skills 🙂

    The most interesting I discovered after I lost a couple of games by almost 200 points is that my opponents gained a lot of points using two or three letter words. I am probably going to start to learn them all – I will be back…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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