Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

CB radio

Marlo still takes a nap in the early afternoon, and sometimes that nap is just two solid hours of dialogue between her and her stuffed animals in the dark corner of her crib. When that happens bedtime comes a lot earlier than normal because as every parent knows, a tired toddler is a nuclear bomb. You could offer the wrong thing for dinner and next thing you know there’s a hole in the earth where the western hemisphere used to be.

I still use a baby monitor to keep track of when she falls asleep and when she wakes up because sometimes that dialogue is barely louder than a whisper. And I’d otherwise think she was sleeping when actually she’s doing this:

“Shhh, puppy. Don’t tell. Imma scurr her! Like monstuuurr!”

And then I feel terrible. Because I’ve illegally wiretapped her room, and later when she comes around that corner like monstuuurr, eagerly hoping to scurr me, I’ll be like, yeah, yeah. I already knew you had that planned, SORRY TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Cami comes up on the weekends to keep me company, and my kids love that woman as if she were made entirely out of chocolate ice cream. Marlo is especially fond of her and becomes intensely possessive of her when we try to have a conversation. To the point that she will crawl up into Cami’s lap and place her entire body in front of Cami’s face so that she cannot see me. As if Marlo doesn’t weigh less than a sack of flour and can’t be easily picked up and held over my head so that I can finish my damn sentence: “Like I was SAYING. Does this make me look like a doily?”

(A lot has been said about my situation in the last couple of weeks, and one rumor going around is that I’m dating Cami. Someone actually took the time to say, “You and Cami are going to break up, TOO.” I am not going to dispel this rumor because those of you in touch with reality know better, and those of you who aren’t? CAMI IS ONE HELL OF A SNUGGLER. Or so I heard.)

One afternoon last week Cami put Marlo down for her afternoon nap, and then we both sat down to relax and read. Marlo remained silent for about ten minutes and then she suddenly piped up. Through the monitor we heard: “Mom? MOM?! Open my door, Mom. Mom? MOM. OPEN MY DOOR. MOM!

This request continued for about twenty minutes until I finally went into her room and reached down in her crib to touch her head. “Marlo,” I said as I brushed her hair behind her ears. “It’s time to nap. You need to sleep. I’m going to leave and close the door. Okay?”

She agreed. “Okay,” she said and then rolled over as if resigned to the state of things.

I was feeling proud about how well that maneuver worked because it usually doesn’t and then what do you know, someone wised up and yelled, “CAMI? Cami. YOU open my door. Cami open my door. CAMI OOOOPEN MYYY DOOOOR!”

It really sucks when kids aren’t dumb.

  • Daddy Scratches

    Wait, so you’re *NOT* dating Cami? Damn, my gaydar isn’t what it used to be. I was SURE there was a scandal afoot.

  • Wallydraigle

    Wait, what? Aren’t you and Cami related? Or am I thinking of someone else? Either way, that’s a completely bizarre speculation.

  • gcostaki

    Do NOT make a sex video unless you want it released because they always “get stolen” by the “trusted cleaning person”. Believe me, I know.

    -animal

    http://www.AnUrbanStory.com

  • gunter

    hehehehe
    funny rumor 🙂

  • apostate

    The links are fine. But when I am not allowed to navigate away from a page by pushing the red X in the top corner, I get angry. I don’t want additional messages or requests for confirmation. Tell your advertisers.

  • dooce

    @apostate I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but if it happens again, take a screenshot and send it to me and I can try to get it sorted out.

  • Mme Wong

    Our Beastie is the same age as Marlo. I tell you, the level of parental entertainment in our house would not be the same without the monitor! (When feeling especially mischievous, she has also taken to climbing out of bed, fishing the monitor from under it and unplugging it… Damn brilliant kid!)

  • crivens

    I just keep wondering how in the heck you keep Marlo still enough to paint her nails! Sprout would love her nails painted…and I would not love my walls with nail polish streaks about 36 inches off the ground.

    Also: you’re not immediately using the separation with Jon to have a hot lesbian fling with a relative? What kind of celebrity are you, anyway? Get your agent on that, stat.

  • kristanhoffman

    Lol. Yup, it’s quite the conundrum, b/c you want your kids to be smart, but then they’re so much more challenging to parent! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    (But my guess is you and Jon and the Armstrong/Hamilton village do just fine. :))

  • Funnygirl78

    Internet speculation – it’s like seeing the underbelly of humanness via plain text. Can’t they at least hook you up with Salma Hayek for hot lesbian action rather than, oh, say, a relative?

  • NicoleC

    My kids figured out that saying they needed to poop would get them a pass out of bed. I never thought I’d hear myself say the words, ”well then you’re just going to have to poop in your bed!!”. Suckahs!

  • Julia B

    Hahaha! I can so relate to this (uh, the toddler napping thing, not the lesbian rumor thing). I’m so glad my kid is not the only toddler who spends her “nap” talking to her stuffed animals rather than sleeping. She also typically uses this as a ploy to convince me to come back into her room, regularly reporting (e.g. screeching) that her doll is hitting her/teddybear is stealing her pillow/etc. Oh the drama that goes on in that crib!

  • apostate

    Maybe apostate is losing it because I saw the word “cream” and did a little chuckle and clicked on the link and was somewhat disappointed to see the result. Nothing at all racy. There’s no longer a link there. Am I losing my mind?

  • HeatherG38

    Isn’t Cami your cousin or niece? And isn’t she engaged? If people are going to assume then they should at least read what you write.

  • tiny apple

    “it really sucks when kids aren’t dumb” is so true. that and “smart kids don’t sleep” as my mom always says. i should have these tattooed on my forehead as a way to explain to people why i look haphazard and batshit crazy most of the time. thanks for the smile…i needed it today!

    ps – if you break up with cami, can i have her? i could really use a good mormon wife around the house.

  • subjectivitis

    You and Cami, eh? That’s ridiculous! RIDICULOUSLY HOT! Seriously, why does everyone think you two are related? I thought you were just friends or just lesbian lovers or something?

  • Hundewanderer

    To this day, I have absolutely, positively, hated sleeping behind a closed door. If you *have* to close the door, leave it open an inch or so. Try it, your kid might thank me =)

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    that pic of cocoa in ‘a hug goodnight’ is tdf. to. die. for.

  • lisa miller

    Like many of my fellow commenters, I thought Cami was a relative as well. I hate not knowing these things so I did a little research for all of us. In several previous posts Heather mentions Cami as a friend. So I’m deducing that she’s not related. Here’s the earliest post I found where Cami is mentioned…enjoy. doocecom.uoycbnb4-liquidwebsites.com/daily-photo/2008/11/18/i-pal-around-terrorists

  • quiet june

    I think you ought to record these conversations Marlo has with herself. And then we can play The Wire and pretend like she is an adorable gangster.

  • Tracye

    Um…isn’t Cami your cousin?

    Some people’s children…

    Should learn how to pay attention when someone writes, MY COUSIN, Cami…

    I’m just saying…

  • Aprilisin

    Uh, I thought all Mormons were related somehow…

    AND, though my child is nine, I still have my monitor tucked away in a safe place…sage advice from another mom: keep it handy for when they are teenagers. Yeah, ya’ll can steal that one…you’re welcome.

  • kelcut

    I feel there’s an important issue that hasn’t been addressed yet…

    WHO GETS CUSTODY OF TYRANT?!

  • jen.yaya

    All I can think after reading this is how amazing it is that you have such a good, supportive friend during this time. I’m sure you already count her as a blessing, but you should, again. Not everyone has such kickass friends.

  • dooce

    I consider Cami a family member, but she is not related by blood. I met her through my cousin GEORGE! They grew up together in Dallas.

  • ltlepaw

    So Marlo and C-note (my son) are the same age, and sometime your stories are like my guidline for is my child insane. Now I’m totally wondering…is my kid REALLY the only one that insists on taking out EVERY.SINGLE.PAIR. of socks at night-every night????

  • ltlepaw

    Oh, and @Hundewanderer…I’ve tried leaving the door open a little. My son then decided to grab his Elmo blanket and run as fast as he can w/ it being his cape. He really does seem to think he should be able to fly w/ that thing.

  • Lizzy

    You’re kids are so not dumb and they’re so not ugly. My goodness! How do you stop the smooching of that child?

    Also, I’m totally going to use Tiny Apple’s mom’s quote of “smart kids don’t sleep” to justify my children. Please, dear god, let that be true…

  • reflecting_ball

    Yay, I can finally comment! I hope you’ll forgive a couple of belated remarks: I’m extraordinarily sorry about you and Jon, and my heart went out to you when you mentioned feeling afraid. There can be genuine terror when the ground shifts under our feet, even when we’re doing all the same stuff and we’re surrounded by all the same stuff as before.

    Also, it was lovely to read about Leta’s amazing piano performance, and what a gorgeous purple dress! She looked stunning. She looked like a person whose mother cares enough to make sure she is dressed beautifully, and who knows how to pick out just the right outfit.

    Linda

  • floridagal73

    That’s hilarious. My 21 m.o. wakes up, starts talking and, if I don’t retrieve in a reasonable amount of time, starts to yell “Ma!” I swear she sounds like she’s from Brooklyn.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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