the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Look at what I did

Last week I posted a horribly embarrassing harmless photo of my brother and me from 1993 to celebrate his 40th birthday. Did I hope that someone from his work would see it? And maybe pass it around to a few other people because NO WAY IS THAT RANGER? The boy in that photo has HAIR! And doesn’t look like he routinely feasts on cockroaches for fun!

Yes. Yes I did. I hoped I hoped I hoped I hoped I hoped I hoped I HOPED! (And then, oops, I accidentally squeezed the bunny to death. I’m going to hide it under the couch and no one will ever know.)

That afternoon I was talking to my mother on the phone and she asked if I remembered that it was my brother’s birthday, and I was like, um, of course I do. Unlike the time you forgot my 24th birthday, MOTHER. You guys, I have totally forgiven her. That was a long time ago, I know. But the commandments don’t say that we have to forget. And I am living the commandments all up in here. THOU SHALT HANG ON TO ALL THE LEVERAGE YOUR MOTHER OFFERS UP.

I told her I had posted that photo earlier in the day, and she said she hadn’t checked my site yet. Yes, my mother reads my website. So I can’t post the animated GIF I made of myself making the jerk-off motion. I’m rolling my eyes and sticking out my tongue and I’m standing behind Chuck and the best part is he has NO idea. But I can say damn and shit because the first time I ever heard those words they were coming out of her mouth.

“The Book of Mormon is so damn true.” Something like that.

Five minutes after we ended that conversation she called back and said that I should catch up on my email, that I’d be rather pleased. And what do you know, a few hours earlier I got an email from my brother. Subject: Look at what you’ve done. Attached was this photo:


Turns out he showed up to conduct a training session at one of the many locations he oversees, and when he walked in that photo was projected up on the wall. Someone at work saw that photo, all right. They’d been trying to come up with something to add a little punch to his birthday and I came along and handed them a precious, golden gift in the form of a 21-yr-old, 6’4”, 140-pound, un-bald Ranger Danger.

The only thing missing was my father giving me a dramatic standing ovation. I may have the Hamilton chin and the Hamilton righteous indignation and the Hamilton legs that start under my arms and the Hamilton love of tomatoes, but pulling this off shows my father that I was paying attention and learned how to be an asshole from the best.

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    2012/03/19 at 1:23 pm

    He done raised you right! I imagine this dramatic standing ovation starts with the slow clap…to show how truly proud he is.

  • PlanetA

    2012/03/19 at 1:49 pm

    Such awesomeness! Thanks for making me laugh to tears.

  • Shea

    2012/03/19 at 1:57 pm

    The primary reason I regret only having one child is that he’ll never truly know how much evil you can get away with based on the look, Mom and Dad are laughing defense.

  • HowToBeADad

    2012/03/19 at 2:48 pm

    If my brother and I hadn’t pulled kitchen knives on each other or thrown dining room chairs, I think I would’ve been maladjusted. MUCH MORE THAN RIGHT NOW.

    Sibling warfare is part and parcel to every family.

    On his birthday, I posted a Facebook photo of my brother (when he was five) mooning the camera with the coyest expression known to man. That photographic evidence is my gift to him.

    Family gives gifts that keep on giving. Much like pink eye.


  • Daddy Scratches

    2012/03/19 at 3:13 pm

    That’s impressive. If I were you, I’d consider it a major blogging victory. Nicely done.

    Of course, I’ll change my tune if ever my sister should start a blog and share my late-’80s mullet with the world. Just sayin’.

  • ThePeanut

    2012/03/19 at 3:18 pm

    Oh man, that is awesome. Well done. Your work here is done!

  • Moomser

    2012/03/19 at 3:31 pm

    You know this is how siblings end up stabbing each other right? Unfortunately for Ranger he can’t retaliate with any embarrassing pictures of you as you seem to post them all on here yourself. And with that you’ve managed to take the fun away from him AGAIN. Brava!!

  • KatieKat484

    2012/03/19 at 3:52 pm

    That’s just straight up awesome. I never had the chance to torture my sibs like this, but my hubby… that’s another story involving a pic of him I stole from his momma.

  • Mom Gone Mad

    2012/03/19 at 5:54 pm

    OMG so awesome. Living vicariously through you as I am an only frigin child!

  • lollynx

    2012/03/19 at 8:18 pm

    Oh my goodness, reading this site is painful now. Another reader gone. My best wishes for your daughters.

  • AliciaMaria

    2012/03/19 at 9:01 pm

    Haaaa job well done. 😀 Nice to see you laughing and having a good time now and then, even if it’s at your brother’s expense. 😉 And wtf is the deal with the person above me? Another reader gone… okay then, BYE.

  • strawberrygoldie

    2012/03/19 at 9:46 pm

    If that shirt had snaps at the crotch and was therefore a bodysuit, I had this item of apparel and freakin’ LOVED IT. Also adored my black catsuit that I wore with a gold chain belt and a cropped denim jacket. And damn, I thought I was HOT.

  • Carol Ann

    2012/03/20 at 2:03 am

    “…. but pulling this off shows my father that I was paying attention and learned how to be an asshole from the best….”

    Have I missed something, because the way this reads is just horrible. Learnt how to be an asshole from your dad?? Nah, man.

  • iliekcheeze

    2012/03/20 at 7:01 am

    daddy issues are so 1995

  • Nuffie

    2012/03/20 at 8:24 am


  • fancybob

    2012/03/20 at 9:00 am

    And now I know what I’m going to do for my sister’s birthday next month!

  • debramac

    2012/03/20 at 9:14 am

    Hey Heather.
    Don’t you hate it when people don’t get you or are you over it by now?
    When people don’t get you I lose faith in humanity, because it’s pretty frigging apparent to me you are not disrespecting he what spawned you, you are paying homage to him in a very Dooce/Hamilton way that you clearly believe he will appreciate. Noticing you have done the same thing to she who brought forth Dooce and loving you for it! Hugz.
    Must we explain everything?
    Rock on sister friend.

  • apostate

    2012/03/20 at 10:27 am

    Ha ha ha! When I got married 11 years ago “for time only”, my mom decided to save money by having the photographer she had hired take a family photo right before the ceremony. So we all showed up 20 minutes early in different outfits. The photographer told us all how to pose and I thought it was a little strange, but went along because he was a professional. It turns out that he thought my brother was my husband to be. So those photos turned out to be pretty much unusable. I kind of cringe when I see them, which isn’t often.

  • debramac

    2012/03/20 at 9:16 pm

    No one even worried about the bunny?
    Strawberry you reminded me of one of my fav hot outfits from back in the day..
    Okay halter (no bra) leotard (ie no crotch snaps for potty). Then those pants that tie around waist like an apron then the whole mess goes between your legs and then ties around the front. Topped by an adorable short sleeved jacket.
    So you know I’m cute as a bug at that PICNIC until I have to completely disrobe to pee in the portapotty.
    And I’m all like, I did not think this outfit thru!
    AND I thought the urinal was a shelf for my purse (or entire wardrobe)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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