An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


Hi. How are you? Fine? You’re fine? Is that the truth? You want me to stop asking? Leave you alone? But what if I care? What if I really care? What if I told you that I’m asking not because I’m supposed to ask but because I set aside the next hour of my life to listen to what’s bothering you or making you happy or tugging at your heart or making you want to throw a rock through a window? (Put down the rock.)

How am I doing? Well, I asked you first. But if you really want to know, I’m hanging in there. What does that mean? Hm. I guess I’m doing okay. I’m focusing on today, this hour, this word. I try not to think about tomorrow or the day after that because sometimes when I lift my eyes and stare straight ahead I see miles and miles of fire. Flames stretching so far that they hide the entire sky. I see waves of terrifying, oppressive heat spilling out across every inch of ground in front of me. And then panic swells in my lungs, that old familiar rush of anxiety and dread and certainty that the world is going to fall apart. So I look back down at my hands, at this word. And this word. And this one. And everything is okay.

Right now I know which end is up. This end, this one right here. This is up.

How are you?

  • patrice108

    I’m okay. I could really go for some egg salad though.

  • dooce

    @patrice108 I’ll meet you at the deli.

  • tyleralysea

    I’m doing okay, today I get to go talk to someone else for an hour for a change, so that’ll be nice. After that I’m hoping to be fabulous.

  • Rita Arens

    I’m having anxiety spikes this week. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I don’t wanna.

  • jeckmann

    Honestly? I’m like a duck. On the surface everything is calm and serene. Underneath the surface I’m floundering like crazy trying to keep it together. I’m in love with someone that will never love me back. Wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

  • Daisee

    Wonderful and glad you are doing good.

    In about an hour and a half, I will be cycling by the lake and hopefully catch a glimpse of the loons 🙂
    This makes me crazy happy.

  • eco

    I bought running shoes three weeks ago and have actually (gulp) managed to run. 8 times. The world may be coming to an end. Just thought you should be warned.

    p/s… ow.

  • Armaych

    It’s nearing 5 AM here in Tokyo and I’m emerging from an all-nighter. Not the fun kind – work-related. Feeling…weary of body and soul. Ah well. All will look brighter with a little shut-eye, I reckon. Thanks for asking. 🙂

  • pepperflynn

    hi-i am ok. I don’t like my job anymore but I always feel guilty complaining since lots of folks don’t even have one. I am wishing I was still on vacation or at least that my dog could come to work with me. I am worried about you too! hope things are ok. And that book sales are strong! did chuck have fun at the book signing? will you do a post about that? hang in there!

  • jeckmann


  • Lauren3

    I’m at the library studying (and procrastinating, and procrastinating usually involves checking up on this here website).

    The library always brings all kinds of encounters with people, ranging from the obnoxious to the awesome.

    A sampling of today:

    – Struck up a convo with a dude because he has this sticker on his laptop: and I complimented him on it. He has been to several Lebowski festivals and has met the dude who The Dude is based on. (Haha.)

    – Had a staring contest with a really cute baby.

    – While stretching, discovered that there is a series of novels about a pair of detectives. Who are cats. AND THE SERIES IS NOT FOR CHILDREN.

  • melnyc

    I got good medical news about my 3-year-old today, so fabulous. Everything else that’s shitty takes a backseat to that. Glad you are OK. Take care of yourself!

  • addie877

    Me? Right this minute, I just really wished I looked like that chick on the ‘Pink’ ad on the side of my screen…other than that, just trying to get my son to pass 5th grade in the next 3 weeks so he can go onto 6th grade, a bit overwhelming…

    Thanks for asking though!

  • Cooky

    Super shitty morning. A good friend was admitted to the psych ward at U of U. Was officially notified I did not get my dream job from last month. And found out the 2,000 shares of corporate stock at this soul sucking piece of shit job are now officially worthless.

    The day has to improve from here. It can’t get any worse.

  • eco

    Oh, in the good news department, my brother is in remission from his very aggressive gamma/delta t-cell lymphoma. A flat out miracle, because of how aggressive it is. In the “oh, shit” department, he absolutely needs to have a stem cell transplant, and I (his only sibling) am not a match. We’re hoping there’ll be a match in the database or that people will get the free kit to be tested ( It’s no longer necessary to have surgery to donate (it’s pretty painless, actually, and the expense is paid by the recipient).

    Mike has been a teacher for 27 years, teaching karate and helping kids face bullies without having to fight; he’s saved a lot of lives. I’m so proud of him, it hurts.

  • Issa

    Yeah. I could have just written this. Shitty morning…but I’m still okay.

    A bit ago, I found a Cheeto puff shaped just like a p*nis. Can I say p*nis on your site? Whoops. Sorry. Ahem. I’d send you a photo, but that seems like an odd thing to send someone. It’d probably get me kicked off this site or something.

    I do know it’s the first thing that really made me laugh in days.

  • dooce

    @melnyc great news!

    @Cooky fingers crossed it gets better.

  • dooce

    @Issa You can shout PENIS on this site. And link to a picture of one.

  • Squeetthang

    Fucking fantastic over here…a mere hour away from beer:30! Four days from the weekend. Beach weather is upon us despite it being only 60 degrees today…in typical Southern awesomeness, it will be 85 by the weekend.

    Hang in there Heather! You are thought of often by many. 🙂

  • carapiccoladiva

    i am okay, but only recently. and i want to tell you how okay it is on the other side of things like this, eventually…but that seems trite. and i want to tell you that i know what you mean, but no one will ever know one-zillion-percent what you mean, because its so different for everyone, and that’s alright too. and also that seems trite.

    lame, huh.

    so i’ll just say hi, and that i think you are lovely.


  • GreerPowers

    I’m doing very well! Getting ready to graduate from college and just accepted my dream job as an Emergency Department nurse. Thankful for a healthy, happy family. Also grateful for your blog and your honesty and transparency. Please know that I think of you and pray for you and your family often…

  • SPM

    My beautiful baby boy turns 1 on Friday!! I’m happy I’m not where I was this time last year (10 months pregnant–UGGGH) or this time 9 months ago (anxious/scared/sad). I’m feeling blessed this week to have this wonderful little person in my life and completely overwhelmed with love.

  • tantelized

    I am currently sitting at work and wondering why it has taken me so long to get an account here and leave a happy, encouraging, and supportive message for you. Mostly I think I was afraid that what I had to offer was trite and that being 23 didn’t give me the insight to say the right thing… Needless to say I have abandoned that train of thought and hopped onto a new one.

    So HOWDY FROM DALLAS, HEATHER! It’s awesome to be finally leaving you a comment because for so long I have admired your strength, your courage, and your ability to withstand dog farts — I know when my pup lets one out I am halfway to Cali before the fumes can reach me.

    Good on you for sticking it out — through everything =]

  • Bea_OT

    It’s been so long since I signed in that I forgot my password! Then I requested the new password. Got the link and didn’t know how to change my password…cause I’m a numbskull!

    Other than that I’m above water…which is good since I’m not a very good swimmer. I’m worried my son may have speech delays and have trouble eating solid food…but that’s not surprising…yet I’m worried because I guess that’s what parents do. Or am I the only parent who does that? Boy I got to get out and make some friends with kids!

    I’m glad you’re ok. I’ll try the focusing on this word…let you know if it works!

    Hope the mass of us who are suffering too may give you a sense of community. You are not alone. Though I wish I could magically make all problems disappear…though what would we blog about then? Hehehe

  • superkittn

    How am I? A boiling cauldron of neuroses and self loathing, thank you very much. Existential Crisis number 17,855 (I counted). Unemployed (I quit). Out of money. Unable to simply give a shit. Sooooooooooooooooo irritable that I purposely try to drive bad drivers off the road, into a tree, or pole, or over an embankment to their stupid, fiery deaths. Trying to decide if throwing myself off the cliffs in Palos Verdes or ingesting the gigantic bottle of Ativan I’ve been hoarding is the better option. Then alternatively wanting to literally be a vampire so that I can see how this big, giant, fucking mess all turns out.

    So, pretty much the same as you. Thanks for asking.

  • BritKaye

    Even though I’m 25, broke and have no direction..I’m pretty good!

    Heather, I just wanted to say what an inspiration you have been to me and that you inspired me to start a blog and share my own struggles with depression and an eating disorder. I was floored by how many people in my own life responded with their own pain. I can’t imagine the support you must sometimes feel with your precious following.

    Just know that you directly inspired me to grow the balls to be honest about my own life with others. For that I thank you.


  • HankySpanky

    I am ok and am glad you’re still hanging in there yourself.

    I had my weekly one on one phone call with my boss who is so extroverted that he makes me feel as though I am some sort of exotic life form that he cannot understand. He actually said “Give me a stream of consciousness”. Definitely not the best thing to say to an introverted person when you want to encourage them in conversation. So I said “Let me get comfortable” and walked over to my couch, sprawled out, and gave him a moment of silence. It was the only moment of peace in my morning. I think that really confused him.

    Sometimes there’s just too many things circling around in my brain to stop and try and lay them out linearly.

  • The Bold Soul

    I’m glad YOU know which end is up. Now I know who to call when I can’t find “up” myself. This month I survived moving house AGAIN (we moved 2 years ago) despite crippling pain in every joint in my body (still trying to find time to get some xrays) and what keeps me going right now was finding out, a month ago, that a good friend is fighting for his life in a hospital with stage 4 cancer he didn’t even know he had until he went in for a simple scan because of “abdominal discomfort”. He’s 51 and has a wife, 5 kids ages 19 to 5, and a thriving dental practice with employees and patients who rely on him, and a more wonderful, decent, kind and caring man you’ll never meet. Knowing what he and his wife and kids are going through helps me keep my own crazy life in perspective. And makes me grateful for every day and every bit of the craziness. Perspective helps.

    Glad you’re hanging in there. I have faith you’ll get through this, you’re stronger than you may think. Are people (i.e., us?) driving you crazy asking how you are? 🙂

  • MJBUtah

    I am okay, thanks for asking. I just moved to Salt Lake (from Ogden, so not a HUGE move) but it was an empty-nest kind of move, and it’s lonelier than I thought it would be. Dogs help, although the big one is shedding enough to make three new dogs and the little one ate the rubber handle off the furminator so it is covered with duck tape.

    My new apartment though has baby ducks, and the other day when I was walking the dogs they were “water sliding” down the waterfall at the pond, and the momma duck was at the bottom reasurring them and moving them off to the side so the next one could come down. You could almost hear them go “wheeee!!!”. I teared up.

  • prestonk9

    Well, as long as you asked I am irritated with myself. I’m currently procrastinating getting lunch and using the restroom – why? It makes not sense and yet here I sit. And why do I stay up so late? Do I really NEED to stay up and find out which house the property virgins from Poughkeepsie decide to buy? Does it have any positive effect on me? (No, but geez I KNEW those idiots would pick the most impractical house. Whatever.) I’m the dumbest procrastinator.

    Thanks for the dialogue. And BTW yesterday’s re-post of the PNW farting was so effing funny!

  • Meow

    I’m still breathing at least. My anxiety is pretty high this week, my cat who has a tumor on his belly has to go back in next week for another check-up. The first time he went they did an ultrasound on it and biopsied it, said it was probably benign but to watch it and if it grows he needs to come back in. Well, I think it’s grown. This might mean surgery and he had a hard time coming out of anesthesia with his last surgery in 2009. Now he’s older and I’m scared of what might happen if he has to go through another operation. He’s my light and has been the only thing that keeps my head up sometimes…

    To top all that off, I have a massive paper for my grad-level English class that is due next week and I feel like I’m drowning with all I still need to do, I have a paper to write for a work presentation in Park City, UT next month that I haven’t started yet (paper or presentation), and a huge work project has been giving me fits all week.

    Thanks for asking, I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay.

  • poohbeargs

    Hmmm…okay, I guess. I put a deposit down on an apartment yesterday and will move out of my marital home in the beginning of June. We still need to contact an attorney and file for divorce, but I am taking baby steps. I have packed up most of what will come with me that is not in use on a daily basis, so that’s good progress. And I continue to see my awesome therapist, which is also excellent.

    Thanks for asking…glad you are okay!

  • Libra

    Not doing so great here. But I’m going to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.

  • pridgethiele

    I’m hanging in there. Realized I may be struggling with depression. I’ve never really dealt with this before. Not bad, debilitating depression. Just exhausted. Lost. Forgetting who I am and what my purpose is some days. Trying to remember that things could be much worse and other people have issues much bigger than mine. Makes me feel stupid and whiny for complaining. I’m sorry to read that you’re having a hard day, a hard time. I can’t imagine the things you are feeling and experiencing. Sending good thoughts your way and praying for sunshine in your life. Thanks for continuing what you do in spite of the hard stuff going on. (In that pic you posted today of Chuck wanting to kill Coco, is that Cami in the background? Is she wearing lavender windbreaker pants? She wears some crazy a** stuff, but that just might be crossing the line.) 😉

  • artmeetslife

    Geography is destiny. Here in SW Florida it is a breezy 72 degrees. The beach is too windy and rough, so the only option on this cloudless impossible April day is to eat peanut butter crackers and send bouncy balls heavenward on the driveway.

  • Tracye

    How am I? I’m alive. I’m still here. Despite the Universe conspiring against me to help me evolve…I am, surviving the very best I can.

    It IS best to live in the NOW. For that is all that exist,this moment right here.

    Heather, LIFE is just teaching you something you probably need in order to handle whatever it is that is coming next which, could be unbelievable happiness.

    You have a great life. A really great life. Sometimes there will be bumps, everyday can’t be Christmas, but your life is awesome. Anyone that has a place to live, and food to eat, and a job is doing awesome in this world that is imploding at the moment so…

    How am I doing?

    I’m doing grand.

    Thanks for asking 🙂

  • Issa

    Heather I sent it to you through Instagram/Twitter. Penis. Penis. Penis. Heh.

  • Jeca51601

    I miss my home country, my family, my friends. More and more with each passing year.
    I moved to Canada 11 years ago. I have a good husband, great kids, friends. You would have thought I would be comfortable by now. But, noooo, it doesn’t work that way with me, I guess.
    Is that why immigrants move back to their home countries after retireing…? Hmmm…

    My husband has epilepsy. Petite mal fortunately, but 3 years ago, before we knew anything about anything, he collapsed right in from of me with a seizure, and I thought he’s died. I kept thinking, no, no, no. He can’t leave me, he can’t. We need to retire and buy two muskoka chairs and sit at the lake shore and bicker. This is not right…
    He’s OK now, medicated and everything, and about every 6-7 months experiencing mild aura’s. And whenever that time comes, 6th or 7th month, I am a wreck, utterly lost and alone. Brave face and all in front of people, but inside dying, dying…

    But hey, this too shall pass…

    On a funnier note, my two budgies are shitting all over my hardwood floor, it’s like I have rabbits instead of birds. Anybody heard of budgies’ diapers…?

  • SherpaTat

    I am OK. During the day I feel OK, at night I have so much anxiety. About my marriage, my disease, money. I would love to take pills every night to sleep soundly.

    I hope your life gets better.

  • sibhusky2

    At this point in my life (63) I’m doing fantastic! I’m a pet sitter….spend all day with animals (mostly dogs) away from people and couldn’t be happier.

    Although I have had bad patches in my life (cancer and a husband who shot himself in the head) I made it through those things and thank the universe every morning I get up that I am now in a very happy place.

    Thanks for asking and know that you will be able to feel this way too in the future. Remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; sounds trite but is SO true.

  • WeezaFish

    Why thanks for asking, glad you’re doing okay. All good here. Life is generally going well. Kids asleep right now, hubby also. Me blogging 🙂

  • tokenblogger

    I am not okay.

  • ladygray

    hello heather! glad to see you peeping in. 🙂

    the whole family over here is coming down from our youngest’s 1st birthday party yesterday. (he’s a 4/20 baby… sigh. that’s all the ammo his future college buddies needed.) it was a crazed affair full of fun and 50+ people traipsing around the house. a good time, a tiring time… today we are all taking it easy.

    big love to you and yours, mama.

  • jonibisoni

    oh, hi heather. I’m doing ok, I suppose, just as you said, I’m hanging in here. Last night I couldn’t sleep and I ended up reading those comments about you on gomi and they made me feel uneasy. Maybe because you’re also a cancer woman (the star sign, you know, yes, I’m a future cat lady) I’ve been thinking maybe we’re kind of sort of going through similar things, although, you know, not at all. I’m thinking August things will be better, I’ll be living in Australia a who knows, maybe my acne will be gone, and I won’t be anxious and depressed. I hope you can find some peace, too (all of you, guys).

  • jenradish

    I’m not ok. I am wondering how you put into words everything that I am thinking today. Thank you for this post, for helping me see that we will all get through this day, and then the next.

  • juliejackson

    I feel the same way, fire on the horizon as far as my mind can see.

    Wish you lived closer, I would love to go out and get our bourbon on, though I’m sure I’d regret it the next day.

  • juliejackson

    p.s. Shingles would cheer me up.

  • juliejackson

    This helped for a second or two:

  • kmpinkel

    Well, since you asked, which I TOTALLY appreciate, because no one has bothered to ask in a few days, I am cool. My washer is dying, I need a new ball cock in one of my toilets and my brakes are only functioning at 25% and I am broke. but its cool. At least I don’t have Shingles (Jazz hands!). Can’t wait to see how your hair is doing.

  • HooliaAnn

    As of today, I am 40 weeks pregnant. I’m currently carrying an extra 70 pounds, and my waist is measuring DOUBLE what it usually does. I haven’t slept longer than 45 minutes in weeks, everything aches, and the thoughts of “I will be pregnant forever” are running rampant in my brain.

    That being said, I looked at some of your pregnancy archives last night and perked up some. So thank you. Thank you for your honesty that helps some of us get through a day. I hope our comments/emails sometimes help you get through yours.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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