This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

A selection of recent spam

(I am currently out of town on business, so for the next few days I’m going to post some things from my archives that many of you have probably never seen. This following was originally published on January 23, 2007.)

Just now I got a spam with a subject that made it look like it was going to be filled with fake stock tips, and as I was marking it as junk I noticed that inside it said this:

Hurry! Act now to secure your weblog toast!

Did you know about this? Because I had no idea there was such a thing as weblog toast, and now that I do I just might have a reason to go on living. I just hope they have a loaf in whole grain.

Last night I read one that took me several minutes to decipher, and am I ever glad that I took the time:

morning-breathing nutmeg liver,
conceal the winter in your heart.
that i had known it
and purposely care
you destroy the rest of the world.
to wish at least.

Here’s what it says in English:

I am 14 years old, and my parents won’t let me get a tattoo.

And then there’s always one about penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction or one you’re afraid to glance at because you just know you’re going to get a subject heading stuck in your head and all day long you’re going to have the urge to shout NURSES SPEWING SEX FRIES every time you open your mouth, but sometimes, if you’re patient enough to receive the blessings of the Universe, sometimes those can be the most meaningful and inspiring ones. For instance:

The quantity of my sperm had been scanty, that I felt ill at ease. I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn’t help. Raisins didn’t help either. About a month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend. And he said that I should try xxaaVOLUME. I thought, sounds interesting. The next day this supplement increased the sperm volume and improved the mobility of spermatozoa. I’d even say, it changed my life.

Okay. One, I had no idea that men were going around eating raisins because they thought it would make their sperm less scanty. Where have I been? Raisins can do that? What does this mean for people who eat raisins? Because I eat a lot of raisins. I don’t really want to know the answer to that question, nor am I about to do a Google search on RAISIN SPERM because the last time I did a Google search for anything I ended up at a site that had a picture of a gutted pig carcass lying on the hood of a Ford Mustang, and I’m thinking that a picture of a sperm transformed by raisins would be as equally uplifting.

Two, you get the sense that this drug has really helped this guy’s spermatozoa, a drug recommended to him by a friend, and so here you have a heartwarming story of friends helping friends when they need it the most. And who can’t relate to that? I know I can, and you can, too, even if you don’t have any spermatozoa. Because the spermatozoa is just a metaphor for something bigger, for whatever it is that is holding you back or making you sad or stopping you from being everything you can be. Do you fear trying new things? That’s your spermatozoa. Can’t sleep at night? Spermatozoa. Trouble saving money? Common spermatozoa. Have relatives from the South? SPERMATOZOA.

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