An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A blog about cantaloupe

I bought a whole bunch of fruit over the weekend but didn’t have the foresight to have my camera rolling as I taught Marlo to say cantaloupe. She’s much better at it now, but I still like her little spin on it. Am I about to post a video of my kid’s developing sense of pronunciation? What is this? A mommyblog? UGH. So gross. You better hope your girlfriend doesn’t catch you smiling at this video, BRANDON. I’m on to you.

“What are you watching?”

(quickly closes video screen) “What? Nothing. I’m not watching anything.”

“Was that a video of someone’s kid?”

“I wasn’t watching anything.”

“Are you reading a mommyblog?”

“PORN. It was porn. You caught me.”

“You were smiling at that kid.”

“NO! It was totally porn. I’m addicted to porn.”

“A mommyblog?! IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE, BRANDON.”

“You have to hear her say cantaloupe! IT’S SO CUTE!”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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