In case you don’t follow me on twitter

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“Food rolling out of the shopping bag and around the back of my car is responsible for at least 50% of the murders I commit.”

“I love to watch golf when I’m sleeping.”

“‘Fever’ is the sexiest love song ever written about strep throat.”

“The Cranberries came on the stereo at the gym and, well, it turns out the music in this cop’s squad car is even worse.”

“Yes, I know this is my CHAIR, gay man who got carried away with the label maker.”

“‘You have a right to a quiet trip free of horn-honking.’ – sign in NYC cab. This car honors my private parts more than Republicans do.”

“Toddler saved all the marshmallows in her Lucky Charms for last LIKE A FUCKING PRO.”

“In a couple of months when they perform my autopsy, the report will come back saying, ‘It appears her kid recently turned three.'”

“It’s not road ‘rage’ if I’m laughing the whole time I’m doing it.”

“You guys, I need better handlers. One was feeding me kibble through the cage and I managed to bite her hand. Amateur.”

“Toddler, knocking and eager to join me in the bathroom, ‘Open de door, Sweetie.'”

“They should just rename tapas Appetizers For The Wendy’s Cheeseburger You’re Going To Need Afterward.”

“Fed the toddler a wasabi pea because how else do I prepare her for Facebook?”

“Is marijuana legal in the Holland Tunnel?”

“If you’re sitting next to a power outlet at the airport and aren’t using it, don’t be surprised by your impending obituary.”

“‘She doesn’t love her kids.’ – person who has no idea how much Ke$ha I’ve endured in the car.”

“Headed to the ballet with the 8-yr-old and hoping there are no ‘men in tights’ so I don’t have to answer any ‘questions.'”

“Don’t hate the playa? My god, who would ever hate geography?!”

“‘I lied. That wasn’t the end. 50 more reps.’ – the trainer whose body I just dumped in a river.”

“You know what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? STDs.”

“‘I don’t want to become a statistic!’ – 100% of people who have no idea how statistics work.”

“An eight-yr-old’s resume would list ‘has perfected the art of being bored’ above any other skill.”

“You don’t believe that we descended from monkeys and yet I just watched you happily pick a booger out of your kid’s nose.”

“The toddler got bored so I handed her a tampon and told her it was a sucker.”