Of all the illegal things I have done in my life (please take me seriously and tell my mom), acid isn’t one of them. But when I go several days with little to no sleep I develop weird spots in my vision and start thinking that maybe I’ve stumbled into a hidden dimension where the spirits of dead animals are sitting around drinking tea. For some reason all of the ferrets are wearing top hats.

Is that what an acid trip feels like? You’re going to have to tell me because dropping acid is not on the list of things I want to do before I die. Owning a miniature Australian Shepherd wasn’t either, but I did that and look how THAT turned out.

Yesterday morning the smoke alarm in my room and Leta’s room started screeching for no reason at exactly 4:27AM. This happened back in January, so maybe they were feeling ignored? Leta jumped out of bed and ran down the hall as I was trying to disable the noise, so I told her to climb in my bed. I walked to Marlo’s room, pressed my ear to her door and stood there totally dumbfounded when I realized that she was still asleep. Kid can sleep through a smoke alarm? The? I am DONE trying to figure out kids. For those of you on the fence about whether or not to procreate just ask yourself this: would you mind being screwed with every single day for the rest of your life? Also? Poop.

Leta was understandably freaked out, so it took me a bit to calm her down. I think we both fell back asleep by 5:15 and not ten minutes later Marlo was up for the day. Up. Super up. I had unlocked her door after the fire alarm sounded—OOPS! Did I say “unlock” her door? I meant “unchained her from the radiator.” Anyway, she came running down the hall, jumped into bed with both me and Leta, guns blazing. PARTY. Balloons, fireworks, pin the tail on the donkey, cocaine.

Ugh. Yeah. So, 4:30 wake up call. Counting my blessings like the Mormons always do and am happy that the smoke detectors were a false alarm and Marlo hadn’t tried to get out of bed seven times. But WHOA the cats at the tea party are speaking Italian which is stupid because tea is so British and oh my god there’s a skunk.