the smell of my desperation has become a stench

The only time you will ever hear me recommend a pair of crocs

hand-knitted mittens picture by Heather B. Armstrong for

In an effort to save a few extra dollars every month I’ve set the thermostat in the house a few degrees cooler than I have in winters past and this means that some spots that get no sunlight are freezing to the point of being uninhabitable. Those are the rooms where I store the bodies. Sadly, I’m running out of space.

The office has a bit of natural sunlight, but when the snowstorm hit this weekend and temperatures dropped into the teens, I realized I’m going to have to break out my fingerless gloves in order to operate the keyboard. That is, if I continue this game of chicken with the thermostat. And guess what, thermostat. You picked the wrong valedictorian to fuck with.

Cue these hand-knitted numbers from Mareshop, a mother and daughter operation run out of Latvia. Look at those adorable ombre crocodile hands. Can you even? I mean? Just? Yeah.

Winter, I will find ways to like you, so help me god.

1. Blue crocodile fingerless gloves $32

2. Extra long red, orange, burgundyfingerless gloves/arm warmers $54

3. Extra long brown, white, mustard fingerless gloves/arm warmers $54

4. Black and gray crocodile fingerless gloves $32

5. Red cabled fingerless gloves $28

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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