We have tragically betrayed our children’s beloved nanny-dogs, raising them irresponsibly, training them to be aggressive and then turning them into pariahs when they behave as any dog would in similar circumstances.
– Crayon creatures: figurines made from children’s drawings
– You’ve probably seen some of these, but holy holy holy holy ho ho ho.
“Suddenly gays can get married and I’m leaving my wife because I’ve got a new girlfriend. That’s the gay agenda at work right there.”
– Gorgeous design portfolio of Louise Fili.
– No, those aren’t tears in my eyes. My face is just raining.
– “No, I did not eat the sprinkles.”
– If only everyone were this generous.
A few of my favorite recent tweets:
Whenever I’m in a hurry, my kids have two speeds: slow.
— Shane Nickerson (@shanenickerson) January 13, 2013
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) January 30, 2013
Sometimes I use big words I don’t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
— Your Deadbeat Dad (@YourDeadbeatDad) October 15, 2012
FACT:French Fries were first invented when a guy accidentally brought a sack of potatoes and a deep fryer to a knife fight.
— Spittin Taint Paint (@WeissBrandon) January 25, 2013
Wish I could find a way to iron my pants without burning my legs.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) January 25, 2013
dont eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that one part of the dryer
— Kelly Dwyer (@KDonhoops) September 8, 2012
I’m at my most athletic when the automatic flush goes off when I’m still sitting on the toilet.
— Unicorn, mostly (@Datingunicorns) September 22, 2012
KEEP CALM AND WHY ARE WE USING ALL CAPS TO CONVEY THIS MESSAGE
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 5, 2013
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in four days my coworker was telling me about a dream she had & it took ages to bury the body.
— Chanibell (@ThisPartyisLame) January 23, 2013